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Don't want to be around my 4 y/o grandson

Started by Gmom, June 12, 2011, 08:57:02 pm

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Well, now that one made me think.  I was reading about Sassy's post of "inductive parenting" and trying to size up what I thought of it when I read your post.  I don't think there would be any problem with "inductive parenting" in the home and can see it being beneficial, but I didn't take into account school.  How hard would it be on a teacher and a child to try to discipline a child when the child is used to inductive parenting?  A teacher wouldn't have that type of time to spend with a child trying to explain everything.  I would think that if you introduced this type of parenting, you would need to home school?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


It was very popular in the 1950s under a different name that I have now forgotten. The premise seems sound but the kids are really screwed up trying to access logic they don't have and aren't supposed to have yet. It created mucho-probems and lots of stress. Many kids ended up feeling later that they were neglected for not having safe and comfortable boundaries when they were little and had a right to expect them.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


I have to be honest here...I was horrified to think that someone would not want to be around their grandchild.  If my mother wrote me a letter as you have written your son, I would not have been very open to communication about my child with her after that.  I am not trying to be rude, but now that you have told your son that you do not want to be around your GC you may lose access to that child.   If they don't bring your GC around now (as you yourself have said that you do not want to be around him) you can't really complain about that.  I am shocked.  With all of the women that desperately want to have access to a GC to hear of one telling her child she doesn't want to see her GC is ... unexpected to say the very least.

This is your choice, but it has been said now - and written.  You can not take this back and it may have repercussions for years to come.  You have asked not to be around your GC.  Be prepared for them to 'honor' your wishes.

And you since your son said that GC was not that way when you were not around there is another possibility. You seem to be quite comfortable openly criticizing your son's parenting style, you are willing to cut out a 4 yr old child from your life because of what very well may be a phase - could it be that you are being over demanding of the abilities of a 4 yr old that sees you not as a loving Grandma that accepts him and loves him unconditionally, but as a mean lady that is never happy with him or his Daddy?  Kids pick up on these things and it may be possible that he is acting out when when you are around. 

Never say anything about your GC that you wouldn't want them to hear.  No, you did not say this to GC and it is doubtful that your son would ever tell your GC that you said such a thing, but this is a good rule of thumb.  Actually I was raised that you never say anything about ANYONE that you would not want them to hear, but this should hold double with children.  Especially when they are in your own family.

I know this reply may have come across in a hard way, but please know that my heart is truly breaking for you as I am most certain that this will end very badly for you and you will regret it for many years to come.  The hardest part may very well come in knowing that you asked to have him removed from your life. 


Quote from: cpr on June 13, 2011, 08:11:52 pm
I have to be honest here...I was horrified to think that someone would not want to be around their grandchild.  If my

cpr says "I have to be honest here...I was horrified to think that someone would not want to be around their grandchild.", and also says a lot of other stuff that I am having trouble reading and stuffing.

I have to be honest here also.  I find it perfectly natural to not want to be near your grandchild.  I don't want to be near mine either.

'Nuf said.  Except that the OP is not alone in this matter.  And from her description, I know for sure that I would agree 100% about her grandson.  Just wanted to weigh in on this matter.  I don't think the OP deserves such deprecation for her honest feelings. 

Nor do I.


Also want to say that I agree 100% with Luise Volta that children need boundaries.  The parents' job is to be parents, not to be friends and not to be colleagues and not to be debaters.  Children need unbounded love and they need firm boundaries so that they can feel safe.  When a child feels loved and safe at home, then he is able to go out into the world and explore and conquer it.  Love and a safe bounded environment are the responsibility of the parent.


Take what you want and leave the rest. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


Yup. One size does not fit all when it comes to childrearing theories or familial love.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady

The thing is .....how would you guys feel if your DM/MIL told you how to bring up your own children ?
Red rag and bull come to mind .
I think the old days of grandma rules are well gone , and maybe not for the better .
My own grandma was the head of my mother's family , and she was respected and loved , and what she said
went without question .Why would you question someone who has raised six children alone as her husband died at 42 .
We kids felt loved and protected in her company , sure she was strict , but her hugs were bear hugs and you knew she
loved you to death .
These days we grandmas get allotted visiting times , and dare not  attempt to mention parenting .
I understand not everyone  is mother earth and welcome kids in any shape or form , maybe thats my problem
and I want to be that 'ole grandma bear , I just love kids !
Getting back .....it's their child to raise how they think best , until he does something horrific for the authorities
to step in , we have to just observe . However if I saw my GD doing something dangerous or downright
nasty , I would certainly step in .....and wait for the backlash !!! 


from my post -
My plan is to just kinda skip trying to be with him.  Just do a token thing here and there.  And wait.  Surely this has to pass.  Surely his parents will eventually see that this mess needs to be cleaned up.

I actually felt that it was my responsibility to try to get them to see what was going on.  I felt I had nothing at all to lose, so I wrote them a letter telling them that I felt I had a responsibility to tell them the good, the bad and the ugly.  That perhaps they were too close to the situation and could use the help.  I know they weren't all that thrilled with the letter, but I feel that I have done my part.  I told them I loved them also, and so I let the chips fall where they may.

I did what I thought was best.  And certainly not all that was imagined by some on this board.  As far as I know, my son and his wife and I are on good terms.  I gave the kinda help that I know I would need if I were in their shoes.

Thanks for your replies.

lancaster lady

gmom......that's all we.can do is our best .......some of the ladies here have seen lots of bad stories re gc .....and were trying to give you a broader aspect on diff erent scenarios.....we like to look after our ladies here .....wishing you the best .......LL


Quote from: pam1 on June 13, 2011, 10:20:42 pm
Take what you want and leave the rest.

Sorry all.  I wanted to give Gmom a little support.  I imagined that she would be feeling really bad after reading the post prior to mine.  Sorry.  Didn't mean to offend all of you.


I wasn't offended, I thought it was good to point out that there are always two sides to any situation and people can only offer perspective.  I think it's a good thread.

So I guess I have to ask, because I kind of assumed something and we know that is not good.  Gmom, are you allowed to discipline your GC when the parents are not around?  I'm asking because I can see where if they do not allow you to discipline because you have different parenting styles, where GC could be picking up on "Hey, I can do what I want at Gmom's".  Or are they asking you to discipline "their way" when GC is with you? 

I can very much see where if you aren't allowed to discipline or it has to be their way of discipline where it would be hard to have GC over.  I was a much stricter parent than my Mother was as a GP.  She was allowed to discipline her way when they were at her house and the kids knew they had rules but probably got away with more at GM's than at home.  I was the same way at my GM's.  But I knew if I didn't behave at GM's that my Mom would have got me later, and my kids were the same.

Just wondering because I could see where that would send huge mixed messages to a 4 year-old and cause them to go wild at GM's.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I also agree with cpr..I thought it was a very wise post and is exactly what I wanted to say.

It is good to get thoughts and suggestions..there will always be different ways to look at things.

I still feel that this is just a phase and he will grow out of it. I love my grandchild...good or bad.

Even though you say it has not affected your relationship with your son and dil, it could and does happen when parenting skills are questioned...all the time.


Quote from: gretchenw on June 14, 2011, 04:19:30 am
Quote from: pam1 on June 13, 2011, 10:20:42 pm
Take what you want and leave the rest.

Sorry all.  I wanted to give Gmom a little support.  I imagined that she would be feeling really bad after reading the post prior to mine.  Sorry.  Didn't mean to offend all of you.

No need for apologies, all opinions are welcome.  I think this is a sensitive topic so it's more important to be careful how we phrase things rather than censoring what we say.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


I've noticed kids seem to act out with those they feel the most comfortable with.  Personally I take it as a sign the kid likes me lol and just hope they grow out of it soon.

I know it may not be popular but I've found kids I'm not really fond of either, it's usually something to do with the parents though.  Like the let the kid run wild in restaurants...so I try not to hold it against the kid.  Recently I've noticed a bunch of sensitive kids around DDs age that drive me nuts, they cry over everything, cry when they fall down and no visible marks, cry when they don't get to go first....ick.  And it's a parenting issue as well, this type of parenting IMO creates little people with severe entitlement issues and an inability to just get over it.  They are a little old to be doing that kind of stuff. 

For me, I don't think it's awful to dislike a kid, I think it just means the responsibility is on you to handle your feelings in a manner that won't affect others.  I don't feel the need to announce when I think a kid is awful to my friends, so I think that would sort of apply in families too. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift