Suggestions on holidays;what to do

[FAFE]

I know for a fact that my OS and family will not be here for any holiday except for Christmas when they usually come for a week.  My YS might or might not be here for that.  But he does try.  My DD splits holidays with us and her in-laws.  I have learned to take whatever I can get and go with the flow.  Between my SIL and myself we do the other holidays with our blended families.  She knows anything I have, all of her family is invited and the same with mine for stuff she has. 

Just try and make yourself happy and busy.  DH and I have ended up having Christmas lunch at the Waffle House a couple of times over the years. 

[jdtm]

I really don't know what to say except to try and let this "dream" go - because that is what it is.

This is my quote to "justanoldgrandma".  What some of you don't know is that Father's Day is supposed to be "our" holiday.  Our son is divorced from his wife and is raising his children alone.  The kids see their mother once every three weeks or so.  Well, guess what - she wants them this weekend and our spineless son has agreed.  I rarely see them any more (especially the older girl); in fact, I'm not sure I would even recognize her in a crowd.  And yes, it hurts and I shed a tear; but I did not cry.   So - justanoldgrandma - I know how hard it is - but after being kicked and tossed to the curb again and again and again, it does get better. 

One thing I do that I know causes some "problems" and frankly, I don't care, is that I write to the children and wish them a "happy whatever" and then describe what we are doing.  I want them to know that they have always been included and that they are missed.  Some day, they will remember these e-mails and some day they will realize how "unfair" their mother and their father was.  You see, the mother used to tell the children that we did not celebrate holidays - it made it easier for her (and I suppose for our son).  Whatever - it still hurts ...

[tryingmybest]

FAFE, chinese restaurants are fun too

[Pooh]

I will have to check those out.  DH doesn't do the whole hunting, fishing stuff.  Being raised vegetarian, that was not an option.  He does love the karaoke machine I bought him for Christmas last year though...although while I'm holding my ears in the kitchen sometimes, I wonder if I thought it through.....

[Pen]

LOL! I've given DH a gift or two that ended up annoying me, too. True love...

[Pooh]

It has to be because I just went out in a major thunderstorm to buy him "hot and sour" soup because he text me from work and said his throat was hurting...AND now he's texting me fussing at me for going out in the thunderstorm....Lol

[luise.volta]

Oh, Pooh...ROTFL!! 

[justanoldgrandma]

Great replies; hope it keeps going at times bc it's nearly Father's Day and then 4th of July and before you know it, the major ones, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I see some people get some or all of the kids/gkids all/some of the time, some alternate, some get none of the kids/gkids any of the time....

It's very hard to be estranged from any of them; some of it is distance, some of it is conflicts of this or that. 

I appreciate the ideas from those of you who have made the best of it and enjoy the holiday (or skipped it!)   

I'm working hard to keep the family intact (attitude change) even though we aren't the "winners" in having anyone here or going there for holidays. 

Being upset just ruins whatever spirit is in the holiday itself.  I love the suggestions, many that I never would have thought of!

[Rose799]

After stepping back 6 mos ago, we've spent a total of 5 hours with dd.   It took a lot of effort, but I finally embraced the idea of having no expectations.   That's a tall order!  Dd has continued to call, about once a week or so.  That satisfies her, but it leaves a lot to be desired where we & gc are concerned.   For the first time this year, we've been invited to their home for F.D..  We feel dd views it as a duty rather than desire.  To me, it's an insult to celebrate M.D. & F.D. when we're not considered the remainder of the year.  In some ways, I think this one way street is more painful than being cutoff altogether.  It's like we're puppets that she brings out on special occasions.  We'll be going to ygs' 2nd b-day party in a couple of months.  He doesn't even know who we are.  What purpose does it serve to include us?  Is it just so dd won't have to explain why we're a no-show?   Dd treats us as though we have an on-off switch.  How do I cross that hurdle?  How do I enjoy being with dd when I don't truly feel welcome? 

[luise.volta]

I don't know how I would deal with that. I know you don't want to draw the line and be 100% excluded but it is asking an awful lot of you to force such insincerity. I'm so sorry. Sending love...

[jdtm]

How do I enjoy being with dd when I don't truly feel welcome? 

You can't, but in my opinion, it is the lesser of two evils.  Our son and his two children brought cards over to our home prior to Mother's Day.  I opened my cards and expressed appreciation, then we sat for five minutes - with very little to say.  I don't know him or our grandchildren any more.  However, this is the first time he made this effort in over 10 years and I will take "whatever" bit I get and be thankful.  It really is better than nothing.  And, I have gotten really good at "pretending" - if your daughter (or son-in-law) knows this bothers you and/or your husband, then she will have a reason to exclude you from her life and her grandchildren's lives.  I know - been there.

Father's Day is this week-end.  I wonder if my husband will also have a surprise visit.  I know the children will be spending the week-end with their mother (she gets ALL of the holidays even though our son is raising the children) so maybe, like Mother's Day, they might just "pop" over.  By the way, five hours with your daughter in six months is more than I have spent with our son in six years (and he lives less than half a mile away).  A little bit is better than nothing at all.

[Pooh]

I can understand you feeling that way Rose, as I would too.  I guess the hope would be if you can go and be gracious about the time she is giving, maybe she will want to give more time and want you around more?  I know that's a tough order when you feel the way you do, but worth a shot.  If it doesn't work out that way, then at least you gave it a sincere effort and there is nothing more you can do to change her mind.

[Pen]

It's a new beginning perhaps? Instead of looking at what you didn't get in the past, can you look at it as the start of a closer relationship? It's going to be awkward until everyone feels more comfortable.

[Rose799]

Jdtm, you're right, I should be thankful for whatever time dd allows.  At least I can occasionally see them for myself & know they're all right.  Preparing is sometimes very difficult but when I get there & my heart melts when I see the gc.  If our relationship ever improves, it has to start somewhere.  Just maybe F.D. will be the day, Pen.  I've felt deflated lately, but I'll give it my all, Pooh.  Thank you all, you gave me the attitude adjustment I was needing. 

I hope everyone's situations improve... 

[Rose799]

I don't know how I would deal with that. I know you don't want to draw the line and be 100% excluded but it is asking an awful lot of you to force such insincerity. I'm so sorry. Sending love...

Thank you, as well, Luise, for caring.  I love you, too...