Suggestions on holidays;what to do

[lancaster lady]

Hi old grandma:
I'm afraid Pen is correct .
My son is moving in with his future wife's family , before the wedding !!
They are in financial melt down ,and the fairytale wedding just makes it worse .
I only hope they survive the trauma of a house move , wedding , and living with the in laws.
Not the best start for married life .

[pam1]

Pen, in my situation we didn't have any leverage either before this last Xmas.  I mean, we could have been grown ups and just said no lol.

My point is with DHs FOO and others who do this kind of thing is that they are very sick family units.  Don't assume that your kids and their spouses like this, they may know of no other way.  Even I couldn't fight it, this type of upbringing does severe damage to people.  It is intense and scary work for DH, I am super proud of him.  But realistically if this last Xmas hadn't happened, I knew he would be a lot more behind then he is now.

I guess I like to think that something will give.  Whether it's your children talking sense into them or you modeling healthy family behavior or something bad happening they can't deny anymore.  Something will happen.

[Pen]

Pen, in my situation we didn't have any leverage either before this last Xmas.  I mean, we could have been grown ups and just said no lol.

Yes, you could have (and looking back, probably should have?) That's your leverage. If I were to do so, I'd lose my son. It wouldn't affect DIL's FOO at all, except they'd be thrilled that I wasn't around anymore! I can't imagine what disaster would shake them up, certainly not anything that might happen to DH or me. If DS were involved they'd be front and center and we'd be lucky to find out let alone be able to visit him. They consider him "theirs" now. If something bad happened to DIL's FOO, it would just push them further into their enmeshment (they've been there, done that, that's part of the problem.) DS is not going to leave his marriage over this, nor would we hope for him to.

So, we shut up and wait for whatever little leftover bits of time we get.

[Pooh]

Welcome justanoldgrandma!  I'm with the others, take a nice trip somewhere.  I saw pictures from a Christmas cruise a girl at work went on, and that looked like tons of fun!

[pam1]

Yes, you are right -- I should have done something at the time.  I felt like I had no leverage in my marriage though.  It is heartbreaking watching another adult put their parents wants before their own needs, let alone the needs of their spouse and kids.  I was too busy trying to save our marriage to give my parents much consideration.  In all of the therapist we've seen, each one of them has said this type of family dysfunction is one of the hardest for adult children to stop the cycle.  There are no bruises to point at and say I hurt.

From birth they are taught clearly they are there to fulfill their parents wants and needs.  Don't underestimate how incredibly hard this is to pull away from.

You are doing the right thing, they will come to you for a soft landing spot. 

[Pen]

Thanks, Pam. I hope you're right. In this case I honestly don't think things will change, but you never know. Since DIL's FOO is wealthy, DIL/DS are bound by that as well. DH & I really don't have much to offer in comparison .  I totally get it, but it still hurts.

[justanoldgrandma]

I have learned a lot of good points in the last couple of days and some excellent suggestions.  One is the letting go and trusting that things will change, gradually, for the better, but I can't make things change.  I'm fortunate to have what I have.   Like the saying goes, I can only change myself and my attitude. 

Pam, it's good to have the dil perspective bc some of the rest of us feel frustrated also; I think most of us are the opposite of your dh's FOO.  I'm actually very against arguing and making others resentful so i don't demand; in some ways I need to detach in order to keep the good that I do have.  Kind of a paradox!

Someone once told me that God is working to help us, that if we would let Him, he is trying to straighten things out, because He wants us to be happy, but it takes time and patience on our part which I'm short of (patience, that is.)   I just keep getting in His way, if only in my thoughts.  And others can sense my negativity.

Someone on this board said to forget my vision of what i expect life and family and all to be and (to adjust to reality; my addition.)   Like the song goes, "We don't always get what we want"..... bc what we want isn't always the best..... and I've learned no one has it perfect.

[Ruth]

Hi, this topic is also a sticky one for me.  Especially the past ten Christmas-es, I have developed a type of neuroses about it.  It grew to feel it was the most painful time of the entire year for me, and I would have almost cut off my right arm to be free of the turmoil these holidays brought into my life.  I could often numb out the sadness and sense of loss of DS and the craziness I thought my family was living, but not so at Christmas.  it has been a wicked brew.  and adding to all this is a horrible estrangement with MIL, I have hesitated to go here as it seems like no decent or sane person could be actually locked into two major estrangements, but I am.  I can't fix either one of them though God knows I've tried.  I just hunker down now and get through the day best I can, with no expectations and each year give it less and less of my life energy.  I try to live my life regarding all days the same, including Sunday.  This just works for me and I try and incorporate all these celebrating/worship elements of those special days into each day of my life in some small way.  I also work very hard in the retail store to give special treats to my customers and go out of my way to show I care for them.  sometimes this just has to be enough.

[lancaster lady]

Christmas just makes lonely people more lonely .All the media hypes the holiday for family occasions ,they should think of the people without any,or estranged . I for one after last Christmas am not looking forward to this one .If my DD was on a relationship I would head for the.hills ........when I mentioned doing this she cried ' what about me ? .....hhmmm......now sometimes she is the nicest person you could wish for .....and others......  don't go there !....Once the offspring grow up ,I think Christmas loses It's magic ,sadly .

[Pooh]

I think you have to make Christmas magical for yourself.  Christmas has always been my favorite holiday and I'll be darned if I let others ruin it for me.  We didn't see DH's daughter or my OS this year for Christmas, and although that is sad, we made Christmas great!  Turned the tree on, lights off and I bought one of those $10 smores cheapos from the store and we sat and made smores on the living room rug while watching a Christmas movie on Christmas Eve!  I filled his stocking in the middle of the night, he filled mine with silly gifts and we cackled all morning.  I bought him a remote control helicopter, and watched him for 2 hours try to fly the thing around the living room, crashing into everything!  We fixed a cholesterol filled breakfast, stayed in our PJ's drinking coffee til afternoon.

WE made our holiday.  We didn't rely on our children to do it. My YS was in on leave, but split the time between families and didn't come back til the day after Christmas.  I'm not complaining, I suggested it because he spent more time with us than his Father while in. 

Anything you do in life, you have to make yourself happy.  You can't rely on your children, friends, family or anyone to make you happy.  It's great when they add to your happiness, but in the end, you are responsible for how you live your life.

[Pen]

Pooh, your Christmas sounds really nice. It's great that you have a DH who shares the fun.

[justus]

Holidays were always hard for me. I grew learning not to want anything for myself  because I would just be disappointed. I am not saying "poor me" here, it just is what it is. It was my job to make sure everyone else was happy. My fOO is one of those totally messed up families Pam was describing. Despite me jumping through hoops, no one was ever happy. It just didn't make sense to me to get all caught up in how it should be when it never even could be that way. I never understood why people put so much emotional energy into holidays. Yeah, it is nice when it works out, but why force it? Why not just make the best of what you have? You will only be disappointed if you get all wrapped up in expecting this or that to happen, because it probably won't.

When DH and I blended our family, I decided not to fight with the other parents and with GMs who all wanted the kids on TH DAY of Christmas. We aren't Christians, so we decided to celebrate Solstice instead. It is a couple of days before Christmas and we were able to create our own special traditions. Then, everyone else could fight over seeing the kids on THE DAY. I did it as much for the kids as for us, because they were being pulled in so many different directions that I wanted to take some of the pressure off.

Now that all the kids have moved out of state, we never see them on any holiday. We really don't celebrate many holidays anymore so it doesn't really matter. We do make our own special days, and sometimes we use a holiday as an excuse to really treat ourselves to a trip or a special meal.

My advise is to stop expecting anything so you are not disappointed, don't think of it as a competition, and to start creating something else that is special, unique and fun. Our kids really appreciated the lack of pressure and when they were adults, they actually preferred our celebrations together to events with their other family because we were so casual, there was no pressure, no guilt, and the food and company were always good. It made it better if it wasn't on the day because there was no rush to be anywhere else.

If the actual holiday day is still important to you for religious reasons, then make the day a private, quiet religious celebration where you and DH focus on the meaning of the day. If it is a public holiday, attend some special event. Don't sit around and feel sorry for yourself. By doing so, you are giving someone else the power to make you unhappy. Take your power back.

[luise.volta]

I look back over recent and long ago Christmases and see that they are mostly a mirror of where I am and what I am coping with. A year ago last Christmas, I was in a wheelchair trying to be Val's care giver from that place. I not only didn't decorate, I didn't want anyone else to do it for me...I just wanted to get through it. Last Christmas, a guy who was very dear to me 70 years ago came across the country to spend Christmas with me and it was fabulous. I had moved to a studio unit (low income) in the same retirement center and it was again a mass of lights inside and out and little bags of gifts for everyone.

[elsieshaye]

In my son's 17 years, I have spent exactly 6 Christmases with him.  His father and I divorced when DS was 4, and because the ex's family is large and makes a big fuss over Christmas and Thanksgiving, I agreed to let the ex have the holidays.  My family and I would have celebrations with DS for those days, but either before or after.  (DS once told me that he liked the fact that every birthday and holiday lasted about a week, since there were at least 2 and sometimes 3 celebrations with different groups in the family.)  The first two or three were very hard, even though I'm not a holiday person.  What finally worked for me is planning something really fun for myself, especially after my parents died and I really was entirely alone on the holiday.  I typically start the planning a couple months out, and make sure that it's something that's a real treat for me.  A couple of times, I've delivered meals for Food and Friends.  (The ex used to take DS to deliver for Meals on Wheels on Thanksgiving day.)  I think the first year is just plain going to be hard, but after that it's up to you to take good care of yourself and plan things that make you happy.

[pam1]

Pooh, check out those duck and chicken hunter games....tons of fun.  We lost our duck on Xmas outside, the wind carried it away.