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Started by cremebrulee, November 30, 2009, 09:51:54 AM

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isitme?

it's very sad when this happens.  The way I see it, my BF and his brother grew up in a family that put up with bad behavior from his mother.. and so they didnt' learn how to recognize bad behavior when they saw it.  The two of them are both really nice guys but have somewhat of a henpecked air about them.  BF's told me a lot of nice things about his sister in law - but for some reason everyone in that family has just emphasized how rich her family is - that was kind of a turn off for me because I come from a family that is not at all materialistic and we are not impressed by things like fancy cars and quarter million dollar weddings....  I wanted to think the best, but when I met her, she just struck me as a spoiled shrew that harps and harps and harps and crys when she doens't get what she wants.  I hear her constantly belittling her husband (BF's brother) all the time but it dones't seem to bother him - he just tunes it out, and I think it's because he's used to tuning out his mother when she harps on him.  I DON'T want to be like that though - and I think BF appreciates that about me.  I find it hard to spend time with his brother and wife though because I"m uncomfortable with how she talks to him (and to everyone else... we once went out to dinner and she ordered dinner for me and then took away my menu!)    I'm sure she has many nice qualities though but sadly, I havne't really seen any of them yet... I'm trying to be understanding though...and at the end of the day, it's not so much my problem so I can let it be... but I certainly see a pattern....(which BF is trying to break mercifully!)..

So I don't think that ALL guys marry their mothers.... but some of them do.  It is kind of a stereotype....  we look for qualities that remind us of our parents sometimes.  BF definitely has some of the protective qualities and a fascination with the world that totally reminds me of my own father...  but sadly, I think sometimes the negative gets picked up along with the positive. 

SunnyDays09

Creme, chickie   ((((((((Hugs)))))))

  Thank you so much.  I find ALOT of comfort in your posts/words/thoughts.

   I hope Santa brings you EVERYTHING you desire.  And then some. 

cremebrulee

Quote from: HappyDays09 on December 12, 2009, 09:11:54 AM
Creme, chickie   ((((((((Hugs)))))))

  Thank you so much.  I find ALOT of comfort in your posts/words/thoughts.

   I hope Santa brings you EVERYTHING you desire.  And then some.

He already did....this web site...
Thank you always for your kind soul and great big heart...
Love ya
Creme

2chickiebaby

It is isn't it, Cremebrulee,  it's a welcome place and I am so glad.  Glad you are aboard :)

lilyofthevalley

I think we probably marry people who have some aspects of our parents that we value, but not all, and don't have aspects of our parents that we didn't like.  For example, my husband's mother is very organized.  He, sadly, is not, though he likes to be around people who are.  I am also very organized.  I think that was an attractive feature to him.  He is soft spoken and doesn't raise his voice.  Even if he's angry, he will calmly express his opinion and so I feel comfortable enough to express mine.  It reminds me of the way my grandfather was, and is different from how my dad was (raised voice for everything from who won the ball game to who dented his car, I guess now you'd just say he's a loud person).  I liked the quality in my grandfather and didn't like the way my dad acted.    And I ended up picking a guy who acts like my grandfather in that regard. 

And I can see some of myself in my DIL.   She loves to entertain, she's great at planning and hosting things, and she cares passionately for animals.  On the flip side, she has  a different decorating style, likes romance movies (I'm more for action/fantasy/scifi), and is way more "plugged in" than I ever was (though that may be a sign of the times.  I think most people my son's age have the phones that double as minicomputers).  She can also keep any plant alive, and has even managed to save a few at my house when they've come to visit.  I can keep outdoor plants alive, but bring them inside and they're dead.  I guess what I'm saying is that I can see my son married someone who has certain qualities I also possess and has qualities that I don't possess (I know, big surprise, I haven't been cloned).  Did he do it because he liked those qualities growing up or just because he loved her?  I don't really know the answer to that one.  Would any person have some qualities like me?  Probably, but in some ways there are a few times when I can see myself in my DIL.  I think that also makes it a bit easier to relate when things are happening that I don't really get.  I know that she's a reasonable girl, we just might have different reasoning sometimes, and sure enough once I ask and she explains, it makes perfect sense.  Not the way I did it/would have done it, but a completely reasonable way of doing things. 

Ok, I'll stop rambling now.   

cremebrulee

your not rambling at all, I enjoyed reading your perspectives...food for thought...
and it's nice you know your DIL so well...that you know her likes and dislikes...
your lucky in that respect...I on the other hand, do not know her...therefore, I can't really say if she has some of my character...what I can say is, I love to cook, entertain dinner guests...she does not like to cook...I love to decorate, and spend more money on decor then I do clothing for myself...not into make up or the latest styles...color my own hair, and do not wear much make up at all...she is the opposite in that respect..she could care less about decorating, cleaning, shopping...and is into fashion big time.

It makes me sad, that I don't have a DIL with whom I am friends...I know so many people, both young and old who get along so well with their MIL and love them...
I don't envy them, but it does make me sad that things are not good.  I had these expectations when they weere married...expected to get along with her as well as I do my son's friends who are now married women with children.  Some of them still call me mom...

I think, if it wouldn't be for them, my confidence would be so depleted...so, it's nice to hear your stories...thank you for sharing.


Pen

My MIL was very different in beliefs, upbringing, etc. but we found common ground and focused on that, letting the other stuff go. I've tried to find common ground with DIL, thought I was making progress, but to no avail. DS is able to love us all, but she can't. He gamely tries to get her to appreciate us. She bravely tried the outdoor life on vacation with us before they married, to her credit. Once the deal was done, though, so was she. I think DS is realizing he may be in for a battle if he wants to take his future children camping or hiking!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

I understand that your DIL might not like camping, but...to stagnate her children from all opportunities, b/c she doesn't like something is so down right selfish...not only to them, but to you...I'm very sorry, you sound like a very nice MIL....matter of fact all the women here sound patient and like they've tried so hard...it is very sad...

cremebrulee

Anna, that was an awesome post...

yanno, what is so sad about all this....I don't really know what good qualities my DIL possess, since, this started immediately when I went to visit them the first time....I've not been around her enough to know...for the past 12-13 years, I've only seen them 1 or twice a year for short visits and maybe, a visit to see them, once every two years, if that...and each time I was around her, she was nasty to me...and most of the time, my son was around, therefore, I have no idea what she enjoys or doesn't enjoy...

Very sad....

cremebrulee

December 21, 2009, 03:26:38 PM #69 Last Edit: December 21, 2009, 04:23:01 PM by cremebrulee
Glitterati

yes, your right, in the beginning, some of the moditors were very nice and friendly, and gave some very good advice...

one of the moditors inparticular, lured us back to her site, and then, when she got us back, she allowed the DIL's to get real nasty to us...

it wasn't that I wanted them to agree with me 100%, but they started making excuses for my DIL's behavior...or make up reasons why she was acting the way she was, had to be because of something I was doing.  When I disagreed, and tried to explain, the more events I told them about, the more they started blaming me...or making fun of me...

Some of those girls were very kind right up until the end...but some of them were brutally nasty...which only proves to me, why they don't get along with they're DIL's.  I actually went on there hoping we could all help each other...much like this site is...but it became very clicky, and I could tell they were all ganging up on me....some of them felt that had to to stay a part of that cliche, and others wre just plain manipulative and mean.  I believe I was bated into comeing back...I was emailed by a monitor who asked me to come back...then when I did, as soon as we were getting along, one gal couldn't stand that and would constantly come in and attack...then the others would join in...it had nothing to do with them agreeing with me 100%, no two people are ever going to agree all the time...then I aslo had girls one inparticular follow me around from site to site and actually had the nerve to come into my threads and start in on me wtih her bullies...



2chickiebaby

Creme, the same thing happened to me!!  I was on some of the original sites, long ago.  I wanted advice on the new ways of thinking.  I didn't understand the new rules. They lectured me on Boundaries and other psychological things.  I tried my level best to understand. I was new into the new ways so it was hard.

The DIL's were nice at first and then, without notice, they turned mean, insisting there was a reason my DIL didn't like us. I was followed too.  Tried to be followed here. They are so unhappy that they will try to make your life H. E. DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS.

When I'd try to explain, they got meaner.  They followed me from place to place. Then, the new site for MILs....they lured me there.  Nice at first and then, the DILs came on.  It was chaos and hatred that really made me sad...like they were face to face people.

Some of the MILs turned out to be DILs!!  What?  They told me I was paranoid...uh.. no, I was not paranoid;  I was seeing DILs,  that's what I was doing.  I hesitated about starting this site but we have Luise.  :) and she won't let that happen here.

It still scares me here.  If it wasn't for Luise and her not allowing that to happen, I wouldn't be here so I know what you're talking about!  :) 

We are safe here. That means a lot to us who have been chased around the block.

cremebrulee

I noted how controlling some of them were....and how insecure...
when I'd post something they'd accuse me of directing that post at them and tell me how insulted they were...I didn't...I opened the thread for general conversations and feedback...matter of fact, I'll open it here...it makes for good conversation and awareness...it was an exercise in Church study.