Re: Does anyone else just get tired?

[Ross99]

CPR- no, our daughter was the first person they cut off. Our son and daughter were very close growing up and I guess it was just too much of a threat to the dil.

[Pooh]

Welcome Ross.  Glad you found us but sorry you had to.  I agree with the other ladies.  A scrapbook, trust fund or bonds.  At least you would be assured that they would receive them someday if they come looking for you instead of wondering if they are getting them.  I have a GC I haven't seen in a year and a half, so I totally understand how horrible it feels.  Keep writing and venting here, it helps alot.

[justus]

Your description of your DIL reminded me of my SD. When she was an adolescent and when DH and I were first married, she would walk into the room talking loudly on the phone, then start talking to DH. The rest of us were just supposed to shut up so she could have whatever conversations she was having in peace. She was used to everyone stopping whatever they were doing because she deigned to grace them with her presence. She was the first GC on both sides and was the only GC and GGC for several years, so everyone competed for her attention all of her life. Enter me and my two kids. Yeah, that everyone stop what they are doing because SD walked into the room stopped very quickly. She found out the hard way that the world did not revolve around her. I held her to the same standards I held my own children to when it came to being polite and considerate of other people. It was a tough transition for all of us, but now she values my opinion over her family's opinion because she knows its honest and she knows whatever I give have no strings attached. She is still very self-involved, but she is a lot better than she was when she was an adolescent.

She used to have this ability to envision the world in the way she wanted it to be, and then persuade other people to play along. It was fascinating to watch. Those little worlds of hers all eventually collapsed and she doesn't do it so much any more. DD and I never played along and she eventually stopped trying to get us to pretend with her, but would come to me after the collapse to talk about it. DS did play along at first, but got burned so many times that he won't have anything to do with her. She used to go through friends like water because of this issue. She burned herself more than anyone else and I think she has finally learned her lesson at 26.

I bet your DIL grew up in about the same way as SD, because they sound like they are a lot alike.Frankly I am suprised that I was allowed to be a GM at all, and it is only because her M did some horrible things that I still am.

I would stop the gifts, but not the cards. Be careful what you write in them or it could be taken the wrong way. Just a simple "we love you and miss you" is best.

[lancaster lady]

It's hard to imagine that your own Ds would cut you off permanently , I wonder if he often thinks about his family .
I bet the g/sons also ask about you too .
I wonder what excuse she gives them ?
Another thought is that if they do go away to college , thats an opportunity for you to make contact , how you will
find where they are is another matter .
My DH still has minimal contact with his siblings , not through any trauma , that's just how he is .
However , my DD has always asked about that side of the family , and wonders how many cousins she has etc .
So never say never , they might be grateful for a loving granny someday .....

[Ross99]

Your description of your DIL reminded me of my SD. When she was an adolescent and when DH and I were first married, she would walk into the room talking loudly on the phone, then start talking to DH. The rest of us were just supposed to shut up so she could have whatever conversations she was having in peace. She was used to everyone stopping whatever they were doing because she deigned to grace them with her presence. She was the first GC on both sides and was the only GC and GGC for several years, so everyone competed for her attention all of her life. Enter me and my two kids. Yeah, that everyone stop what they are doing because SD walked into the room stopped very quickly. She found out the hard way that the world did not revolve around her. I held her to the same standards I held my own children to when it came to being polite and considerate of other people. It was a tough transition for all of us, but now she values my opinion over her family's opinion because
she knows its honest and she knows whatever I give have no strings attached. She is still very self-involved, but she is a lot better than she was when she was an adolescent.

She used to have this ability to envision the world in the way she wanted it to be, and then persuade other people to play along. It was fascinating to watch. Those little worlds of hers all eventually collapsed and she doesn't do it so much any more. DD and I never played along and she eventually stopped trying to get us to pretend with her, but would come to me after the collapse to talk about it. DS did play along at first, but got burned so many times that he won't have anything to do with her. She used to go through friends like water because of this issue. She burned herself more than anyone else and I think she has finally learned her lesson at 26.

I bet your DIL grew up in about the same way as SD, because they sound like they are a lot alike.Frankly I am suprised that I was allowed to be a GM at all, and it is only because her M did some horrible things that I still am.

I would stop the gifts, but not the cards. Be careful what you write in them or it could be taken the wrong way. Just a simple "we love you and miss you" is best.

Our DIL'S story is similar in some ways. She became the focus and great hope of her family when her father and mother divorced. He father is also a narcissist who had a profession where he was the focus of all. He had multiple affairs, and it became known. That ended his ability to continue in his profession. The family was very publically shamed. Our DIL was 18 at the time. She came to the rescue of her shamed family and took on the same profession. During one of the "meetings" I tentatively broached how traumatic that whole ordeal must have been. She tossed it off as a non-event and she was "over that" a long time ago. I don't think so little Missy. I think she is one confused, needy, hurting person. So, probably one way for her to keep the world from hurting her is to stay in control. When she couldn't control her husbands family, we were written off. It was far too threatening.

[Blind-Sided]

Ross ~ I have to agree.  Stop with the gifts.  I sent gifts to my granddaughter.  Although my son told me she got them and liked them, I often wonder how often the gift stayed around until it conveniently disappeared.  I've decided to set the money aside that I would spend on the gifts and put it into an account for her.  You might consider doing that.  Also, you might also consider writing cards to the grandkids and setting them aside for them to have when they are old enough to  receive them independent of their mother.  I had a friend whose father got custody because her mother had an alcohol addiction.  Her mother overcame her addiction, got on her feet, got a job and got involved with volunteer work.  Despite that, my friend's step-mother did everything to destroy the mother-child relationship by destroying cards that came for her and discarding gifts.  Wisely, my friend's mother kept a journal where she wrote to her daughter over the years.  After my friend came of age, she looked for and found her mother.  They quickly bonded and had a great relationship.  Her mother died 3 years later, but before she did, she got the journal.  Remember that kids can only be influenced so far by their parents and then eventually they start thinking for themselves.  As in my case with my granddaughter, I look forward to the day when she seeks me out to find out for herself who I am.  Trust me, she will as your grand kids will do for you.  All you have to do is stay healthy and look toward the day when that happens. 

[lcollins]

i would stop the checks but not the cards, maybe you could mention that they checks have not been cashed yet and you are trying to figure out what happened to them

[Sassy]

He father is also a narcissist who had a profession where he was the focus of all.  He had multiple affairs, and it became known. That ended his ability to continue in his profession. The family was very publically shamed. Our DIL was 18 at the time. She came to the rescue of her shamed family and took on the same profession. During one of the "meetings" I tentatively broached how traumatic that whole ordeal must have been. She tossed it off as a non-event and she was "over that" a long time ago.

I am trying to imagine the context where bringing up this shameful past of her father's affairs with DIL could have a positive outcome. 

[Ross99]

The context in which it was brought up was not inappropriate. The affairs weren't mentioned, just that we realized the impact of the divorce and assured her our compassion for her. It definitely was not talked about in a denigrating manner. She shared the history early on.