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Is it Me ?

Started by lancaster lady, May 29, 2011, 01:33:56 AM

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lancaster lady

thanks Holly :

I guess this statement translates totally different in this country .
I would take it as being aggressive , and I really don't want to go down that path
again .
Another instance of why would you do that ......
I bought a beautiful dress for my GD as agreed and 'passed ' by my f/dil for the forthcoming wedding .
It was agreed that I could buy all of my GD's outfit as a contribution towards cost .
My f/dil saw the dress before I bought it and thought it was wonderful , so I purchased it .
Two weeks later, she went out and bought another dress for my GD for the wedding ???
Her explanation was , I haven't decided which one she'll wear ....!

Now how does this translate , for a couple who are struggling to pay bills ?
To say I was lost for words ( my original post title ) was an understatement .
Rather than start a 'discussion ' , I said ''It's your wedding , whatever you decide '' !

So these little episodes are going over my head , but perhaps remaining in my heart .
No big deal I know , but niggling away just the same .

luise.volta

Thoughtlessness comes in all shapes and sizes...sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Ok, to me that one is different.  If she agreed you could purchase the dress and approved it ahead of time. that was just plain rude and selfish.  She could have asked you to wait until she decided or at least had the courtesy to ask before she bought the other one if the one you bought was returnable and would you be upset that she found a different one.  I would be willing to bet, just what I know of you on here, that you would have been happy to return the first one and get the other one had you been asked and wouldn't have thought twice about it.

What's wrong with people......
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

Oh now that would be different in my eyes too, LL.  I would think you would absolutely have the right to bring up the dress b/c FDIL agreed to it.  IMO, that was really, really rude and inconsiderate.

How old is she? 

I don't think it has to be a huge discussion but stating that something hurt your feelings and moving on does do some good at times.  It puts other people on notice that you are not a doormat.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

LL,

I think the dress needs addressing (lol, that sounds weird). It is your money...and dresses aren't always returnable. Could you nicely ask her what she planned on doing with the dress she didn't want to use?

Coupled with that, I can see why her earlier comment would get you feeling upset. I think it will only build from there, which is why some of this stuff should be addressed. Perhaps, if the dress were talked about, you could have nicely made a joke of the earlier comment, "Like, oh, well, GD and I will have a great time. I'm twice the fun of anybody b/c I'm G-ma!"

Not everything should have a lid kept on it. I don't think issues with money should ever be suppressed either. It can create resentment as well as the expectation that you're there to shell out money on a moment's notice. I'm sorry, LL. I hope things get better once this big wedding is over and done with.

Pen

Nothing like a wedding to amplify whatever is going on to a higher degree! LL, know that we're with you all the way. Don't forget to take care of yourself during this time...let the little things go, do special things for yourself that feel special, enjoy the party (but don't get sloppy drunk.)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady

Thank you ladies !

My take on everything is that my f/dil still wants to stamp her authority on my GD.
As you know I wasn't allowed to interact for the first year with my GD .
Now that I'm 'allowed' , everything has changed , as my GD loves me to bits !
Her face lights up when she sees me , and she runs to me laughing to be scooped up and hugged .
We sing , tell stories , and giggle , what fun we have .
Looking at us together I think she resents this , and still has to have that last say , hold , on every situation .
Also the fact that my DS has asked me for money makes them beholding to me , which I'm sure she resents .

I have never brought up our previous drama , or the fact that they are having financial trouble .
I never probe or ask about the wedding , just what I am told , as initially I wasn't involved at all .

Now I could really take everything to task and kick off and moan about things , but for me
that would give her fuel for the fire that might be smouldering .
Pooh :
You are correct in thinking that I would have exchanged the dress . That's why I got her approval
before the purchase , to make sure it was the RIGHT one .
We have still to buy shoes and accessories for the little one , I will just pay for whatever
her Mom chooses .

Not saying I am going back to walking on eggshells , but just aware of each little transaction .
For instance yesterday she sent me a video by email of my GD dancing to pop music !
How sweet was that , so mixed messages being received from every angle .

She is young and preparing for a wedding , so in a turmoil , I know .
So these lips are sealed , and the wheels on the bus go round and round , all day long ,
as me and my GD sing together !

lancaster lady

Donna :

Just a quick note for you .
I wasn't always strong .When I found this forum , I was a quivering mess , weak and in a turmoil .
Week by week with the help of my friends on this site , I became stronger .
It helps to know that you are not alone in your family traumas . When it is a family row , the ones
you would normally turn to are sometimes involved .
It was wonderful to find my cyber family here with these wonderful ladies .
I hope it will always be here for a shoulder to cry on , or somewhere to vent .

I will always be grateful to Luise for her time , consideration and effort , for her selfless act
of forming this forum which was an oasis in a desert for me .


SassyDI

Quote from: lancaster lady on May 31, 2011, 12:49:39 AM
Thank you ladies !

My take on everything is that my f/dil still wants to stamp her authority on my GD.
As you know I wasn't allowed to interact for the first year with my GD .
Now that I'm 'allowed' , everything has changed , as my GD loves me to bits !
Her face lights up when she sees me , and she runs to me laughing to be scooped up and hugged .
We sing , tell stories , and giggle , what fun we have .
Looking at us together I think she resents this , and still has to have that last say , hold , on every situation .
Also the fact that my DS has asked me for money makes them beholding to me , which I'm sure she resents .

I have never brought up our previous drama , or the fact that they are having financial trouble .
I never probe or ask about the wedding , just what I am told , as initially I wasn't involved at all .

Now I could really take everything to task and kick off and moan about things , but for me
that would give her fuel for the fire that might be smouldering .
Pooh :
You are correct in thinking that I would have exchanged the dress . That's why I got her approval
before the purchase , to make sure it was the RIGHT one .
We have still to buy shoes and accessories for the little one , I will just pay for whatever
her Mom chooses .

Not saying I am going back to walking on eggshells , but just aware of each little transaction .
For instance yesterday she sent me a video by email of my GD dancing to pop music !
How sweet was that , so mixed messages being received from every angle .

She is young and preparing for a wedding , so in a turmoil , I know .
So these lips are sealed , and the wheels on the bus go round and round , all day long ,
as me and my GD sing together !

May I ask why DS asking for money makes them Beholding to you.  And did FDIL want DS to ask you for money.  I know DH has taken money and a new window from FIL and it didn't make me happy at all.

Pooh



May I ask why DS asking for money makes them Beholding to you.  And did FDIL want DS to ask you for money.  I know DH has taken money and a new window from FIL and it didn't make me happy at all.
[/quote]

SassyDI, from her previous history with them, I think she meant beholding as in she wasn't getting to see GD for a long time and she thinks the money now has made them try to have more contact with her again on a regular basis? 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lancaster lady

thanks Pooh :

That is perhaps partly true .
The money is for their wedding SassyDI , when I offerd previously it was declined .
now money is in short supply , and they approached me together .
I just feel that she feels perhaps she has to make more of an effort re GD's visits
also to include me more in the plans for the wedding .
I may be completely wrong , and she loves me really .....lol

Pen

LL, if I'm reading this correctly, you aren't expecting anything in return for your financial help but your FDIL/DS are being more inclusive because of it. Perhaps this is good practice for FDIL and she eventually will appreciate you for you and not for your money.

I think you and I are in similar binds, in that our FDIL/DILs decided beforehand that we were not to be involved in any way in their lives. It's a form of predjudice against us as MILs/FMILs rather than based on anything concrete. It's a difficult position to be in since we don't know when we'll be shunned again. We want to go along with everything and do all they ask to avoid being cut off. Either we'll get sick of the emotional roller coaster or we'll find our peace with it for the sake of our DSs/GC.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

lancaster lady

who knows Pen:
She blows hot and cold , I never really know where I am .
The money is a gift and was always intended for them , but initially refused .
One minute I'm getting visits aplenty , the next none .
I am not expecting anything by way of a reward for this money , I just feel
perhaps it makes her feel like she has to be more friendly b/c of it . I really don't want
a forced relationship with my f/dil , but I do want a genuine one with my GD.
I feel it's better to wait for an invite or for them to want to visit , on the whole
things are going well between us . Just that now and again I pick up on a remark
or things like the dress .
I suppose the real test of our relationship will come after the wedding .

Kennedy

Good Morning One and All,
LL, the statement in your last reply about your FDIL blowing hot and cold.. well I can really understand that. One of our DIL's is like that. One week she is our best friend and talks to us and includes us in everything.. Then the next week she just may not answer one phone call our talk to us at all. She will tell us all kinds of things about her family ect. Then we see her family NOT doing all she claimed. Like them not being nice to her ect. So we know we can't believe her stories. We just listen. It is confusing!! And we feel like we never know what to expect with her. Kinda like the feeling of being on a roller coaster. LOL

lcollins

i dont think it was a dig, but we never really know what our dil's are really meaning. its sounds harmless. for now id let that one go, but its good that you are aware and will be able to recognize negativity if or when it does come from dil.