GRRR How do you deal with the guilt trips ?

[Sheen]

I would like to get some outside thoughts on how you all deal with guilt trips thrown by your adult children.
A little background , I live in Europe with my hub and youngest daughter and 2yr gs. Usually once or twice a year, I make the trip back to the states to see my other two daughters  and other gd. We have always had a fairly good relationship and I speak to both of them every day, either by me calling or by them calling.  On my visits back home, I try to split my time evenly between them as they live in different states but without fail, each time I go, I hear how I spent ten days at one and 11 days at the other. This is usually caused just by the airline flights I obtain and in no way are done intentionally.

My oldest daughter just visited here and we spent a nice two weeks together and our plans are making our trip this year back in November .  I have already offered to help my middle daughter with tickets so that she can travel to her sister 's home for Turkey day and we can all have a nice holiday.

Yesterday, my middle daughter called and wanted to know if she bought me a ticket , would I fly to the states and stay with her for the summer, two months and babysit my 6yr gd.  I explained that it was really not a good time, as my hub  has just started medical treatment  which requires ivs every two weeks and has just been put on a total  gluten free diet.  On top of that we had just gotten back from rome and were trying to save the money for the trip in November.  I offered to pay for half of the cost of summer camp so that  she was not so strapped and even offered to pay for the tickets in Nov but none of the offers were good enough.  She proceeded to place a major guilt trip on me for not coming, saying everything else could wait, she needed someone to watch gd, how I am never there when she needs me etc.   

It just seems that no matter what I do , someone always gets upset and if I could just divide myself between the three girls I would be fine.  At times like this, I sometimes think it is kind of a blessing that my son does not speak to me because I don't think I could deal with four of them  laying these guilt trips on me .   Thoughts ?

[Nana]

Dear Sheen...It is not fair that our children act selfish and want to get their way no matter what...you have very valid reasons, ie.  your husband's treatment.

Permit me post what I read in e-How


This is the website. http://www.ehow.com/how_2077212_survive-guilt-trip.html



Sheen...you know in your heart that you are right...do what is right.

Love

[Pen]

Hey Nana, this is very interesting. Can you post the link to the original article ASAP? Links are OK but we can't post copies from other websites here. Once you post the link I'll take down the copy. Thanks!

[Pen]

Sheen, I like what Nana posted. Sometimes we get sucked in by the guilt game because we don't want to be seen as selfish, but there's nothing wrong with taking care of ourselves. In this case you have your DH to tend to as well. It's scary when we have reason to worry that we might lose our kids forever by standing up for ourselves. It sounds to me as if you've managed to keep things as equal as possible, but kids (even adult ones) know which buttons to push for sure.

[Nana]

Sure Pen


This is the website. I dont know why it doesnt come up as a link.  http://www.ehow.com/how_2077212_survive-guilt-trip.html




Love

[Nana]

Oops....it did.   Need training on this.....
Love

[Pooh]

Lol Nana!  I need all kinds of training at this.  I kept messing stuff up!

Sheen, my thoughts on this are going to sound harsh but I don't know how else to say it.  I know you want to help and I am sure if it was possible, you would do what she asked to help her.  You have reasons that you can not.  She is an adult and she chose to have a child.  It is her responsibility as an adult to work out her child care.  It is not your responsibility.  I think you offered some great help and she was not happy with your offers to help and only wants it done her way.  I know you don't want her mad at you, but the only person she should be mad at is herself right now.  She's taking it out on you instead of owning up that it's her problem. 

The other issues of comparing how many days you stay with one versus the other is also their problem.  I know that doesn't help you feel less guilty but really, it is not your problem.  You have your own life, your own DH to think of and are making every effort with money and trips to keep in touch with your children.  You really have nothing to feel guilty about.  You can't make them feel different about the situation but you can make yourself realize that you are doing nothing wrong.

[lancaster lady]

Hello Sheen :

The more times you refuse , perhaps they will be more considerate before they ask you next time .
This ''You would do it if you loved me '' , wears a bit thin , especially when they are adults .
My DD thinks I am here in this world just for her , to make her life easy and with no stress .
That's fine when they are 5 years old , but as an adult , time to stand on their own two feet .
Throughout my adult life I have had no outside help from anyone .
My parents were there , sure , but ''in the old days'' once you left home , that was it .
I think it made me be more independent and I knew that whatever I came up against
it was up to me to sort it ! A stronger , confident person I became , so maybe a bit of tough
love won't go amiss .

[pam1]

The really horrible thing about guilt trips is that they only work if you let them.  For instance, if someone is calling you and you don't want to speak for whatever reason, say you pick up the phone on the 10th ring....they just learned it takes 10 times to get you to answer the phone.

IMO, that is what your children are doing.  Send Mom on a guilt trip and keep on badgering her, she will give in at some point or she will feel guilty and will do something else for me. 

It's not right.

[Sassy]

Okay, you asked.   So this is my first thought:  Your 6 year old GD is probably more mature than your middle daughter.

I'm sorry, she is so out of bounds to try to guilt you into leaving your husband and your life because she wants cheap available day care.  That's not only unfair play, it's an insult.   As if your own life is so insignificant it should be instantly relegated to being a full time service provider as a convenience for hers?    Bravo to you for not getting angry with her for even asking.   

The offer for summer camp was beyond generous and that she turned it down makes me curious if it is some control thing on her part.  Where she's going through something where she just wants to make someone do something.  Anyway I am glad to read you turned it down.  That's good news for both of you.   As she obviously needs more practice in how to find her own resources to meet her own needs.

[Sassy]

she needed someone to watch gd, how I am never there when she needs me etc.   

And I'm back with another one, LOL. 

Wanting free live-in babysitting is not a need.  Parents know school is out is in summertime.  Every summertime.  She had months and years to plan for this.  If finances were her need, she turned it down.  No one is ill.  No one is in need.  To say you're never there when she needs you is just manipulative bunk.  If she actually needed you, you'd be there.

GD is 6.  Is she going to need you every summer for the next 12 summers.  If you acknowledge her desire as a need, then you'd acknowledge your 2 other daughters also need you every summer all summer too.   They each need a limb and a third of you for having a child? I'm Grrrrr-ing there right with you.

[elsieshaye]

What your daughter is asking for is over the top, in my opinion.  "Hey, I demand that you leave your sick husband and provide me with free babysitting in another country for a couple of months.  Never mind that I have other options available that you're willing to help me pay for.  Otherwise I'm going to take it as proof you don't love me and will be sitting over here pouting."  Really, it sounds like it's all about sibling rivalry and "you never pay attention to meeeeee" than anything else.

I totally agree with the comment that she's acting less mature than her 6 year old.  This is not your problem, and you're not being a bad mother if you don't enable her.  (Your husband has far, far more of a right to expect your presence at this point than your adult child does.)

[gretchenw]

I think you should be proud of your daughter for independently bring up a child.  It sounds like she is doing a good job of that.  (But don't be her summer babysitter!)

I have two nephews, ages 27 and 29, who live in the basement of their parents home, don't go out to see people, and play video games day and night.  One of them has a 1/2-time job.  I have a friend with a 22-yr-old nephew who is scared of getting a job, stays up until 5AM every night, then sleeps until late afternoon.  He is avoiding life and mooching on his mother.  All these boys need to be kicked out of the house!!

Your daughter, on the other hand, seems to be doing a very good job of raising her daughter.  Tell her congratulations for me.  Tell her she has done a wonderful job solving problems so far and that you are sure she will figure this one out too.

And when your daughters complain about your unfairness?  Roll your eyes, laugh and walk away.   You could even tell them what I tell my kids.  "Life isn't fair".

gw

[Keys Girl]

I have found the phrase "You wouldn't be trying to guilt trip me would you?" to be very helpful.

The answer is usually "No".

[cadagi101]

Just the heading how do you cope with guilt trips, has made me breathe a little easier I could cry right now  I wish I could give you all the history in a short story, I am very sad right now, I will get back to you when my heads in the right place...
Julia