How much notice for weekend guests?

[Scoop]

If only it were that easy.  At MIL's we STILL have to bend to her will, and it's her house, so I'm hip to that.  So we make our bed, the way she wants it done.  We don't leave a glass out, to have another drink later.  We don't let the dog on the sofa.  We don't make any noise when she's on the phone.  DH does the work they want done. 

Even then, it's not enough.  When it's time to leave, MIL comes up with more work for DH to do, that only he can do, that simply MUST be done before we leave.  Or else, she will do anything to try and keep us, offer us food or coffee, again and again.  Or she will try to make us wait while she packages up leftovers.

And when we do visit the IL's, it's not fun.  MIL spends her day obsessing over the cooking and the cleaning and her work.  She doesn't DO anything with us, she just sighs and moans at how sore she is from all the hard work she's doing - she's such a martyr.

The bright spot of visiting them is that SIL lives in their hometown and the DN's are DD's age and they have a BLAST together.  I love my SIL, she really is a nice person and I would dearly love to be able to stay at HER place and just 'visit' the IL's.  But that would be an unforgivable slap in MIL's face, even though the girls have SO MUCH FUN together.

[luise.volta]

I would use the "Cousin Connection" as an excuse. 

[Pooh]

Whoopie cushion, hand buzzer and invisible ink.... 

[justanoldgrandma]

Oh, gee, Scoop, and I thought my mother was bad about not leaving a glass out, all lights turned off immediately, make beds just right, kids ask before looking in the fridge!  Thank goodness my dh's easy going ways and my refusal to be like her kept me from being that strict w guests! 

Visits at her house sound horrible; (oh, and my mother, once widowed (( I know your mil still has fil)) ) insisted on my dh doing lots of "honey do" jobs around the house but she didn't prevent us from leaving w those chores nor procrastinate in keeping us there like your mil.

It is too bad you can't stay with sil...... I totally see why staying w mil is horrible; getting a break w cousins is a relief, but the overnights and all sound like nightmares.

wow.... staying at mil's sounds like boot camp with emotional trauma thrown in for fun!  Forget I suggested it!

Ok, I can totally see visits being held at restaurants as much as possible with as few overnights together w mil as possible! (with cousins/sil sneaking in to visit you!)

[Pen]

The way people were raised really makes a difference. 

Isn't that the truth! My DH's family & extended family did "pop-in" visits, complete with carloads of kids, back & forth for vacations. My FOO planned well in advance. I don't know which is worse; with the pop-ins I don't have time to worry myself into a frenzy, but my house isn't always "company-ready" & I've been embarrassed a couple of times. With the plans made months in advance I end up spending more money than necessary because I have time to think of every little thing that might be criticized. My SM is very persnickety and will mention my failings (DIL is similar, although she's getting better.)

[Sassy]

Your DD sounds adorable.  MIL is the one missing out. 

I am glad DH chipped in on the cleaning.  Maybe in the future, he will let MIL know when you'll need to know if they are coming or not.   

The guests brought along an unrestrained, unsupervised, untrained dog who pooped inside your house.  Twice.  And you said nothing. Gold star of restraint!   If it were me, next time a visit came up, I'd also want DH to be asking about them finding a kennel before they arrive.  For the cats, of course ;-)

[twyla]

Even if your MIL doesn't have an anxiety disorder, she probably has a few unbecoming quirks. Everybody's got 'em. I think it is great you were perfectly civil, but you still seen to care when she does the petty stuff...which means her being petty is working because it gets under your skin. Not only step back, but work on *not* caring at all. Who cares if she gets you nothing for your birthday or a brand new coupe? You've already set her up for failure by assuming that she gets you nothing for your birthday or you won't like what she gets if she does get it. Does it really matter? Is it possible to focus on what you do like about this woman? You enjoyed Sunday with them, but Saturday was rough. As for your DD, one day, she will be of an age when she will determine whether or not her relationship with MIL is acceptable or not. She may be perfectly fine with it or she may be upset, either way MIL will have made her bed and your DD will be happy one way or another.  As for the dog, it can't poop in your house if it's not there at all. A kennel or a dog house outside will take care of that.

[luise.volta]

There are those who refuse to put their dog in a kennel or a dog house. (Confession: I'm one of them.)

[elsieshaye]

Oh, gee, Scoop, and I thought my mother was bad about not leaving a glass out, all lights turned off immediately, make beds just right, kids ask before looking in the fridge!  Thank goodness my dh's easy going ways and my refusal to be like her kept me from being that strict w guests!

My XSIL is like that too, and visits with her can be very stressful, especially if DS and/or my ex (her brother) are there, because they are not good at picking up her nonverbal signals, and neither is very invested in trying to avoid antagonizing her by learning all her rules.  So she gets that much more tense and snappish, and I (because I tend to be a people-pleaser) get very stressed out waiting for the next explosion and trying to compensate for the behavior of the other two.  Which only ticks them off, and isn't enough to keep her from having a meltdown.  By the end of our last visit, I was very glad to leave, and found myself needing to take a long vacation from chatting with her, despite how hard I know she worked to make things nice for the visit, and how important I know it was to her to have things go well.  There is no way to explain to her what happened that she will hear, and she is convinced that the visit didn't go well because everyone is cruel, thoughtless and ungrateful.  Exhausting...

[Sassy]

Ok, Luise, LOL, should I ask this?  Do you watch out for your dog, walk your dog and/or let him out when he needs to go, when you take him with you to visit others?   

I have friends who bring their beloved dogs, but none of them have ever relieved themselves inside my home.   The owners stay alert to their 4 legged buddy's activities.  One friend crated their dog here at bedttime, so he didn't find trouble when she couldn't watch him.

[luise.volta]

1. I never visit anyone in their home and never have. I stay in a motel...even when I visit my son, Kirk. There is something about the energy in another person's home, anyone's, I don't feel very comfortable.

2. No one ever stays in my home, either. (What can I say...I help with or pay for the motel, if need be.)

3. I would never take my dog any place. Well, this Fall I'm planning a little trip and she's going to stay with Kirk and Sandy. They just love her.

I suppose I'm worse than weird. 

[Sassy]

Not weird at all, you know what feels right for you.  It's very courteous and respectful.  To people and pets!

I can't imagine bringing a dog into someone's house and letting that happen twice.  Once could be an accident, but would also be a warning.  The second time in two days, I don't know about that.   I wonder if testing tolerance for that that, like the "keep the weekend open just in case" is a sort of love test?  Now I'm probably reading too much into what could also be explained by thoughtlessness.... to people and pets!

[luise.volta]

Kind words, Sassy. Thanks. I've always needed alone time. Even when I was really young. When I have out of town or out of state guests, I don't turn up until noon. Then we go out to lunch and have a great time. After that I disappear again and don't show up until after supper and we hang out for a while.
the rest of the time they are on their own.

[justanoldgrandma]

Luise, there are many times I wish I'd had that option (staying in a motel or sending guests there); our families would have been insulted, I'm afraid, unless it was a huge family reunion!  But I think it's a great way to avoid conflict and work and to have a good visit! 

I admire that you also don't inflict your dogs on any guests; some people show up w their pets and invariably there is an accident on the carpet or the animal is irritating to someone in the house (jumping onto someone or knocking over a child.)  That's probably bc we have outdoor pets which we keep quiet for the neighbors' sake.  However, if the homeowner doesn't object and is asked if the pet is welcome, fine w me!

[Scoop]

I have to say that the dog mess didn't really bother me (see?  I'm dirty).  She's a very sweet, old dog, away from home.  And really, cleaning the hardwood was easy-peasy and we're replacing the upstairs carpet in the next little while. 

It was the fact the my MIL knew that we'd be away too long for the dog, and was not willing to cut back on her shopping, so that we could go home and let the dog out.  She knew there would be a mess, because as soon as we walked in the door, I sent DD to run upstairs and to let the dog out of the bedroom, and MIL yelled up "Is there a mess?".  I guess *our* house isn't worth getting too worked up over.

As for the second mess, DH said that his parents must have 'ignored' the dog's signals.

Elsieshaye, I really liked your description of your visit to your SIL's.  It's exactly like that with my MIL.  I guess I need to work on seeing how badly my MIL wants things to go well, and her efforts to that effect.