How much notice for weekend guests?

[lancaster lady]

Hello ginger and Welcome :
Of course you can start your own topic ......
go to the category you think your topic comes under and click new topic .
We welcome all new members and would like to hear your story .

[ginger]

Thank you Lancaster Lady

[justanoldgrandma]

I won't get things going again, like any controversy, but Twyla and Ginger, I, too, am a MIL and when I first read the posting of the dil dreading the visit from the MIL and FIL, and how picky the MIL is, I felt the MIL must be really hard to like, let alone want in the house.  I totally did not like that MIL!  seemed so hard to get along with on purpose!

After reading Twyla and Ginger's posts, I, a MIL, can see that things aren't always black and white as I had thought.  I am really hesitant to buy gc clothing/shoes bc although my dil wouldn't say anything, I usually wait for a list my dil gives family so I get the right thing.  Otherwise I buy books and age appropriate toys.  I don't think the MIL was trying to be anything but helpful but what the dil and mil think is appropriate don't jive. 

Sound like the MIL does have some germophobia or OCD tendencies which would explain the seat wiping and not wanting to eat at dil's house.  I know people like that; it seems terribly picky but they actually cannot help it and do need help.

I know the dil feels overwhelmed w MIL's demands and DH is trying to please all.  I don't think that MIL cares only for DH even though she was too preoccupied w the adults to pay attention to gd; she must miss dh and doesn't "see" gd as needing her attention.

I also think if she disliked the dil so much there would have been no gift at all even though it is early for the date......

I know it was said that the MIL wants all visits at her house and except for brief visits at dil/dh's house, that might be best bc I honestly think that the MIL has problems like OCD or germaphobia and her pickiness might actually be caused by that.  She also seems not in tune with things like the radio, talking on the phone (things I consider rude but many don't) and not being able to decide at Starbucks.

She simply sounds like she has social anxiety and lack of social skills.  Perhaps she knows dil's feelings and this makes her so uptight she ends up doing all the wrong things to be pleasing; I know in my desire to do everything properly I have said and done things around dil that I regret; it came in my case from nervousness and walking on eggshells.

I don't really understand the MIL but do hope the family can continue to get together some for the sake of all.  The gc need to know their gparents and it's obvious that they love dh and vice versa and in some ways MIL and FIL do try to do a few things to show love for dil. 

It seems no one understands anyone else...... but I honestly don't think MIL is trying to upset dil.   If MIL wants the gatherings at her house, it might be better, at least the overnight ones, bc I think she has some social/germophobic problems......

Not saying this is easy for dil to handle bc she is trying to take care of her own family.  Dil is overwhelmed w daily duties and trying to accommodate an "unusual" mil esp. when dh doesn't help or explain or try to help in the situation, I can understand the dil's frustrationl

I can just see MIL and FIL not having a clue as to how to make dil happy and doing everything in a rather weird way.......  I really think she's trying, not just in being difficult!

Maybe dh can explain their behavior, esp. his mother's; and he could smooth the way before the next visit?  As a past dil and now a mil, I can understand some of both feelings...... I just hope my dil doesn't feel so irritated by me; I know I talk too much out of nervousness and I try harder than ever not to give advice.

This is all very difficult in most families; please try to tolerate MIL for everyone's sake, even if it isn't really frequent; dh and gc and even dil will suffer for a cut off. 

meant after thought for both sides!

[Scoop]

First off - Ginger, I'm sorry I haven't been on-line this afternoon until now to reply to your questions.  Even now, I'm typing on my phone - just to clear the air.  I'm not mad at you for joining the conversation (it's not butting in).  But please be patient, many members come on at specific times of day only.  It might take a whole day oe more before you "see" everyone.

Man, I don't know how kids do it - my thumbs are already sore.  I'll try and get on later and address your specific questions.

[Pooh]

Hey Ginger.  I'm very glad that you entered this conversation.  You will find here, we don't consider anyone "butting in" to give their perspective.  I am also an MIL that has a difficult DIL, but I have been around here for awhile and I know alot about Scoop's MIL.  I'm sorry your DIL makes your DS clean or no visit, but in Scoop's case, it's been a history of Scoop having to do everything to prepare for an in law visit, but yet criticized for her efforts.  The encouragement I was applauding on this is that she was trying to get DH to pitch in and help.  It shouldn't be a DH or DW always having to do everything for visitors, when both parties are inviting.  Both partners should pitch it to make the visit enjoyable.  Scoop wasn't getting that cooperation from her DH.

Her MIL has been very difficult for Scoop to get along with and not for lack of trying on Scoop's end.  It's hard to read a story and when it sounds familiar to our own, not see similarities, but I promise you this, Scoop is a very understanding, compromising, giving person and I would be thrilled to have her as my DIL.

I am glad you are throwing out your perspective, and I also agree with what Luise was trying to say...there can be something that drives someone bonkers that I think "that's not that bad" and I have things that drive me bonkers that I'm sure others say "that's not that bad".

I hope you stick around and keep "butting in".

[twyla]

Pollen is bad here today. That yellow crap gets everywhere even though my furniture is on the covered deck. Does MIL have allergies, Scoop? Since DH cleaned, was he offended by her production? Since he cleaned this time, it was his cleaning skills that didn't make the grade, not yours.

[Scoop]

Ginger - I'm sorry I can't help you with your specific situation.  I can only tell you about my experience with my MIL.  I have to say that this is one of the reasons I love this forum, we can talk about these things, without getting emotions involved.  You can say what you want to me, and since I'm not your DIL, I can't cut you off from your DS and GK's over it!

With my MIL, the biggest problems with their visits is that they don't give us enough notice.  I found out on Tuesday night that they were for sure coming last weekend, but even then, we didn't know for sure if it was going to be Friday night or Saturday morning.  I have enough work to do around the house that I'm not prepared to invest time in preparing for "maybe" visits.  If I have enough time to prepare for a visit, then I will gladly do my share.   (I should note that when MY family or friends visit, or we leave to visit people, I do the lion's share of the preparations.)  However, without notice, then my DH has to pull the greater weight of the work.  Part of my point in my initial post was that our weekend had gone sour before my IL's had even walked through the door.  So who can fix this?  DH can.  He can pin them down to a go/no go for visits far enough in advance for me to plan, or he can do all the planning and the 'work'.

In the end, he's the one who can do the most to smooth the relationship between MIL & I.  He knows what she wants, he knows what I want.  It would be up to him to do the 'relationship' work though. 

[Scoop]

Twyla, the thing is my MIL doesn't have OCD.  If this was something she did to ease her anxiety, then I would understand and I would help as much as possible.  Even then, it would be up to DH to tell me that's what this is about.

As for DH, he doesn't care.  It probably went right over his head that MIL cleaned off the chair.  He doesn't care that she throws her money away on stuff for us that we'll never use, that clutters up our house.  He doesn't care that our house wasn't clean enough for her.  It's not on his radar.

So then, this is why I've stepped back, why should I care if he doesn't?  I have to say my stress level, in terms of the cleanliness of our house, really went down, because I didn't get worked up over it.

I should also point out that this is where I come to vent.  I was perfectly civil to MIL all weekend.  I didn't call  her on any of this petty stuff.

[ginger]

You are saying that you do punish your husband due to the visit by his parents?  If it were your parents visiting  you would have no problem being caught up on household duties but if it is his mother then you are to busy?  You went on to say without notice, your husband can pull the greater amount of the work yet they did give you notice. 

I hear you saying that your initial point is that your visit was sour before it took place, and that if your husband does not come up with exact dates and times then he can do all the planning and all the work.  So my son is being punished for my visits, no wonder why he confided in me that he was no longer feeling like a man.  I'm sorry entered your topic Scoop.

Pooh thank you for the warm welcome but I do not hear where Scoops husband is not pulling his fair share all I can hear is he is being .. never mind

[Rose799]

Ginger, have you discussed your feelings with dil?  I know it isn't always helpful; I just wondered if you'd tried that route?

[lancaster lady]

Hi everyone ,feeling better today,ready to chat .....lol...      Re house cleaning ,last time I visited my DS ,I thought the house was dusty ,but then I  am not the house doctor and they weren't trying to sell me their house ! I went to see my GD , and I was so glad to be there ,who cares about a bit of dust !    Today I have been asked to go ,and my DS asked me to bring food for a  meal ! Reason being his partner doesn't cook !  LOL ........She hasn't from day one ........So Mom goes with supplies and cooks , my future DIL doesn't give a monkey .......she's glad someone else is cooking..                              Ginger..........why not open a new topic and share your story .Gives us an idea where you're coming from.  ...

[lancaster lady]

Oops ......just saw new topic ....

[Scoop]

Oh but Ginger, there *is* a difference between when my Mom visits and when DH's parents visit!  My Mom gives us a LOT of notice, more than a week - so I have time to plan everything that needs to be done, and then do a bit at a time every day.  Then it all gets done, without adding any stress.  Also, my Mom doesn't judge our housekeeping, she's here to visit *us*.

To find out on Tuesday, that we might have company on Friday, gives us only 3 days to: clean the house top to bottom, wash the guest room sheets and make the bed, get the special groceries required by the IL's, as well as the normal chores that take up so much time.  It's also the end of the year, so on Wednesday evening, we had a school picnic for DD.  How is it a punishment for him, to prepare for his parents visit, in the time given?

And my MIL does judge our housekeeping.  If the house isn't spotless, she finds a way to make a comment about it.  And she does it in a girl-bullying kind of way where it's not a sneer and a white glove full of dust, it's more of a 'look, shrug and sigh', or else it's a "what are these shoes doing here?".  Since DH doesn't "get" girl-bullying (because he's a boy), he doesn't see it and he doesn't care.  But *I* get the dig.  So in fact, I'm the one getting punished for him not cleaning to her satisfaction.  I can see that if I were more of a jerk, I would tell him that I'm not going to clean while he's watching TV, and I'm not going to put up with any judgments from MIL, so he'd better get off his duff and clean to *my* satisfaction or the IL's won't be allowed in the house.  But I'm not quite *that* much of a jerk.

[justanoldgrandma]

Scoop, I can tell you like to be prepared for your parents' visits, as well as your MIL's (and I do understand your MIL's pickiness..... seems like no matter what you do, it won't be good enough, and dh does need to help prepare for both your parents' and mil's visits.  I, too, was very organized and wanted to be prepared well ahead for visits.

Years ago, dh's family (including extended family w aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) would arrive at any relatives' house w/o warning and be made welcome, even if it meant sleeping on the floor; some rather poor people, some w/o phones, and maybe on road trips which were their vacations, stop to visit for a couple of days totally w/o warning, but always helped with meals and cleaning up.  But you can imagine how I felt w a carload pulling up to visit and I had to make beds and get food from freezer to cook while dh was so delighted to see them that it all fell on me!  (I was raised that if you didn't call, you wrote a letter that you would be visiting!)  I was very organized and this just blew my mind!  DH's mother and aunts always dealt w all the visits (both sides of the family) so he had no idea what I was going through.  I was berated by dh for being inflexible!  Now no one was picky but it was a tremendous amount of work, esp. since I worked outside the home!  Resented it, too, bc dh just didn't get it as this was how he was raised.

Thank goodness things have change a lot and the family has shrunk and if someone does want to visit we have plenty of notice and NOW dh has realized that the house needs cleaning & helps with the cooking and all.  We always wait to be invited or ask permission before visiting others.  In fact, he works his butt off preparing for any visit!

But I wouldn't wish anyone, Scoop, to wait years for dh to change; he definitely needs to help a lot before anyone's visit!



The way people were raised really makes a difference. 

[justanoldgrandma]

Scoop, I know you've said that mil wants you to visit them, and I know w dd's recital and all sometimes you can't leave your house to go visit them.  But since you visit not often and since dh resists helping so much and since mil is so picky and actually wants you to go to their house, why fight city hall?

i mean, go ahead and for next visit, go see them?  DH can do the driving both ways and you can let mil clean and cook to her heart's content.  Also, you can decide when you are arriving and when you want to leave; if she gets on your nerves too soon, there's always a reason for your having to return sooner!

I know this is playing into mil's hands, meaning this is what she wants, but let her do all the obsessive work!