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How much notice for weekend guests?

Started by Scoop, June 08, 2011, 09:43:45 AM

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Pen

IMO, the hard cold truth is that for those we love and feel comfortable spending time with, these pre-guest chores are no problem and aren't resented. Resentment builds when we feel obligated to entertain people we don't know well, don't like, or don't feel comfortable around.

DH & I are not loved by DIL, hence no invites from them. The reason we don't resent readying for a visit by her & DS is that we will do just about anything to see DS.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

justus

Gretchen, it isn't about punishing your DH, but about helping him understand that you can't just pull a guest ready house out of your behind on a moment's notice, and the best way for people to learn is through natural consequences. Most guys don't "get" that it takes planning and work to have guests, so they shrug it off, expect you to just go with it, and don't understand why you can't relax and enjoy the weekend. This leaves some people feeling like they are being taken advantage of or taken for granted and a bit like furniture. I certainly have felt like this with my DH and have had to give him a demonstration, for lack of a better word, of the value of all the "little" things I do that add up to a lot. My DH is a great guy who does a lot for me, and I enjoy doing things for him, but he used to feel sorry for himself every once in a while, because he was "doing all the hard work." He knows differently now through natural consequences.

Scoop, definitely put getting the groceries on your DH's list of chores. It sounds like an issue for you, so let him deal with it so you can let it go and not get angry about it. DH has a wheat allergy and when we went to visit his parents last summer, we went grocery shopping to get the special items DH needed when we got there. I just don't get that demanding guest sort of attitude. As a hostess, I always make sure I have special items on hand if I know my guest likes or needs them, but no one has ever expected or demanded it, and I don't expect it as a guest.

BTW, I am totally jealous that you have a made. It is just DH, me and the dog, but I could use one. DH just knowing that someone else was going to see his mess would induce him to start picking up after himself.

I read the Dance of Anger years ago and it helped me immensely with my FOO and in so many other areas of my life. I highly recommend it.




Pooh

So many of you guys have endorsed that book.  I think I am going to have to order it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

lancaster lady

just going off subject here a bit .....we have decided to sell our house !
Will my DH get his finger out and do all those little jobs that have been annoying me ....err NO !
So when I say I'm going to get someone in to paint xyz .....no need for that says he, I'll do it !
so it looks like we'll be here for quite a bit yet !   >:(

Pooh

Quote from: lancaster lady on June 10, 2011, 10:03:50 AM
just going off subject here a bit .....we have decided to sell our house !
Will my DH get his finger out and do all those little jobs that have been annoying me ....err NO !
So when I say I'm going to get someone in to paint xyz .....no need for that says he, I'll do it !
so it looks like we'll be here for quite a bit yet !   >:(

Oh LL!  Bless your heart!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

pam1

LOL LL!  I hear ya.  Finally received a long overdue payment from a client so I took it, opened a renovation account in my name only and it's going towards a new kitchen.  He left a paint job unfinished for over a year, I give up.  Professionals it is.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pen

Are we all married to the same guy, LOL? I'm with you Pam; as Annie Lennox says, "Sisters are doin' it for themselves!" Unfortunately stuff is needing updating and repair faster than I can save for it. I need to come up with some brilliant scheme a la "Waving at the Bus."

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

It is funny how similar they are, must be the breed LOL
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Keys Girl

Scoop, to get back to your topic, I think you need to tell your husband that you require a minimum time frame (notice) for weekend guests.  If your MIL's job is so demanding, she can plan ahead and put a weekend aside and then you can plan for it too.

It's been decades since my in-laws used to descend on me, with expectations of elaborate meals, etc. while my ex found spending time with his parents boring so he used to leave met to entertain them.

I have to say it was one of the best bonuses of my divorce that I never had to put up with these tiresome, exhausting weekends.  I now only invite people who I love to see and who I love to make elaborate meals for.

Good luck, and as the old saying goes "always change a losing game".
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Scoop

Well, it's Monday morning and I still don't know *if* I'm having guests this weekend.

I have done some of the prep work, but I'm not knocking myself out.  Sadly, it's DH who will suffer.  We haven't made any other Father's Day weekend plans, so he will miss out if they don't come.

Hey!  The Dance of Anger?  That's MY book suggestion.  I guess I'd better take my own advice and read it again.

As for the cleaning lady, I would never give her up.  The way it was explained to me was, if I smoked, I would be going through more than the $80 every other week that I pay my cleaning lady.  AND if I made LESS money than I make right now, and I smoked, I would STILL be going through that money!  The best 'reason' I give to other people to convince them that they *need* a cleaning lady is that not only do you NOT have to clean, you also don't fight over cleaning.  So now, we run around like crazy, tidying up on Monday nights, and then by Tuesday afternoon the house sparkles!

Pen

Gee whiz, Scoop. A planner like yourself doesn't have alternate plans for Father's Day? JK..but seriously, maybe you should have some little outing in mind so as not to appear P/A  :P

I just don't understand people who can't be considerate enough to be definite about their plans to visit. If they can't give you a yes or no in a timely manner they get what they get.

Thanks for giving me permission to hire cleaning help  ;D   I should start smoking so I can give it up and justify putting the $$$ towards a cleaning service. Alas, we don't fight about it...I just do it all, I'm the one with more time although I do work outside the home.

I hope your weekend is nice, whatever you end up doing. We haven't heard from DS, so I have no idea what DH's day will include. Guess I should make some flexible plans as well.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

LOL Scoop, I thought you had may have read it, I wonder if you were the one who suggested it to me lol :)  Very, very good book so if so, thank you!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Sassy

This is how I would handle this.  Not saying you should!  This is how I would.  I can't handle a dangling unanswered RSVP and the rudeness about it without getting cranky.   I'll answer no for them if they won't.   When inviting, I usually say "let me know in the next few days" and after that I will assume it's a no and tell them we've moved.  It doesn't happen a second time.   Less than a week is not enough time for me to have high maintainance guests staying with us.  It's unreasonable to expect someone to keep a schedule open for weeks without a yes or no.  Unless it's a touch and go medical situation or a special circumstance they explain, I think its flat out rude to take advantage of my time and energy like I'm not worthy of an RSVP.   If someone tries to, I can't leave myself open to it.   Long term, I would not want this maybe, wait and see, and keep waiting, and keep waiting, to become these visitors new visiting tradition.     I will not teach them this is an acceptable way to treat us.

For all those reasons, I would let the other people know it's a shame they haven't been able to determine their schedule, but we figured by not hearing back if they are planning to come in the last few weeks, at 5 days out we read the writing on the wall, and have decided to go ahead plan our own schedule for this weekend.  I'd let them know we'd been looking forward to celebrating Father's Day and are making other plans to do so.   I'd let them know June 24 th and July 8 th is still open for entertaining them, and if they can let me know in a few days, I'll put them down in ink for that time.

For me, one of the advantages of me being responsible for most of the planning for the guests is also being able to set limits so I'm not treated like an afterthought.     If someone were to treat me for weeks like a stay in our home is that low on the list, I lose all impetutus to make it fun and engaging for either of us, and the point of the visit, sharing good company,  is lost. 

luise.volta

Scoop: I started having a cleaning lady in my 20s and now in my 80s I still have one...who has also become a dear friend. They are good at what they do and I am not. They like to do it and I don't. That's a no-brainer for me, since what I do doesn't interest them in the least.  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Scoop

See? The "waiting waiting waiting" has already become their visiting tradition.  I think it's a control tactic on MIL's part, to see how long she can keep us dangling.

I would tell her what I think about it, but I don't speak with her on the phone, nor do I e-mail her.  All communication goes through DH.  They don't call the house phone (and NOT because it's been forbidden, they just don't) they call DH on his work phone (while he's at work).  I don't know why, but he doesn't call them from home either.  I've never said anything about it, one way or the other.

So this is just one symptom of a bigger problem - I know.

I wish I had the chutzpah to take DD and take off for the weekend.