How much notice for weekend guests?

[justus]

I think it really depends on the guests. For guests like your MIL, two weeks minimum if you are the one doing all the work.

I am a planner, too. I make lists, menus, and start cleaning way in advance. I did this not only for guests, but for trips. I made lists, planned for snacks, made meals for the road, planned the route, bought all the stuff we might need, and gathered a bunch of information about where we were going so we had lots of options for activities. It drove DH nuts, because he would feel guilty for sitting there not doing anything, and I did get a bit tense about it. He kept complaining that I "planned too much." So, I stopped planning. After a couple of trips that went sour because I had not done all the work ahead of time, and he had to do a lot of last minute stuff he didn't normally have to do, DH said, "Well, you didn't plan this one very well." I said, "Neither did you," then I pointed out none too subtly that he hated it when I planned things, and he gave me a really hard time when I did, so wasn't going to plan things in the future. He apologized and told me he was an idiot. He actually initiates the planning now.

My advice is not to do a thing until you know for sure and then don't knock yourself out. There should be obvious consequences for their lack of planning. If they do decide to come, tell him what needs to be done to prepare for their visit and let him chose which half of the chores he is going to do, because you won't have time to do it all. Let him know you are not going to kill yourself trying to clean to his mother's standards, so if he is concerned about that, he should start now. Make a list for both of you and put it on the fridge. If he doesn't do what is on his list, don't do it yourself. Let "natural consequences" be your mantra. I might even leave the list up so that when/if your MIL complains or is displeased with something, you can say you did your best with such short notice, or point out that it was her DS' responsibility to do that. If your MIL is uncomfortable eating your food, make sure that your DH helps you prepare it, if he is capable. Or make him responsible for half of the meals. Have him prepare his specialty dish for his Dad, wouldn't that be a good gift for FD to his D?

I don't think most men appreciate the work that goes into having guests because we just do it without expecting them to help until the guests arrive. Time to help him understand what he is asking of you. If you do make him responsible for half the planning, you won't be so angry about the visit, and your anger won't sour it. It might be a lot more pleasant without that cloud hanging over everyone's head.

I don't think you should feel pressure because it is "a good FD gift for him." You shouldn't feel pressured or guited into giving a gift you wouldn't otherwise chose to give.

[pam1]

My advice is not to do a thing until you know for sure and then don't knock yourself out. There should be obvious consequences for their lack of planning. If they do decide to come, tell him what needs to be done to prepare for their visit and let him chose which half of the chores he is going to do, because you won't have time to do it all. Let him know you are not going to kill yourself trying to clean to his mother's standards, so if he is concerned about that, he should start now. Make a list for both of you and put it on the fridge. If he doesn't do what is on his list, don't do it yourself. Let "natural consequences" be your mantra. I might even leave the list up so that when/if your MIL complains or is displeased with something, you can say you did your best with such short notice, or point out that it was her DS' responsibility to do that. If your MIL is uncomfortable eating your food, make sure that your DH helps you prepare it, if he is capable. Or make him responsible for half of the meals. Have him prepare his specialty dish for his Dad, wouldn't that be a good gift for FD to his D?

I don't think most men appreciate the work that goes into having guests because we just do it without expecting them to help until the guests arrive. Time to help him understand what he is asking of you. If you do make him responsible for half the planning, you won't be so angry about the visit, and your anger won't sour it. It might be a lot more pleasant without that cloud hanging over everyone's head.

I don't think you should feel pressure because it is "a good FD gift for him." You shouldn't feel pressured or guited into giving a gift you wouldn't otherwise chose to give.

Really good points all around, Justus.

[Sassy]

Justus:  Applause!

Scoop: How is you DH with compromise?  And how is he with a maytag?

[Keys Girl]

I don't like this kind of thing.  Given that your husband isn't going to help do anything to "entertain" his family, the burden falls to you and he doesn't give you any notice.  Totally unfair.

I suspect that it will go on like this for decades, so I suggest the following:

A. Plan a wonderful weekend at the last minute and hire a cleaning lady for your fussy MIL.  Give the bill to your husband.
B. Give yourself a "Spa" day with all the works for at least 3 weeks.  Give the bill to your husband.
C. Suggest to your husband that if he doesn't give you more notice in the future, you'll hire a cleaning lady and a local restaurant to prepare all the meals for the weekend and you can sit around and "enjoy" the visit because you need more notice to organize things.

[luise.volta]

Oh, I just love those suggestions, KG! 

[gretchenw]

I'm starting to feel that I don't belong here.  Because there's no way I would punish my husband just because he and his family wanted to spend some time together at our house.

I never liked the extra burden of the big dinner parties my husband has every year for all his students.  (He is an academic).  He always told me not to worry, he would take care of everything, but I found that if I took his advice, all his guests arrived on time whereas he was at least 1/2 hour late (late because he was out shopping for food), then all his guests were starving before the food was ready (because you really can't manage to cook chicken, fish, steak plus vegetables for 20+ people on a small barbie in less than 2-3 hours.  I realized that I had to do the planning, most of the cooking, etc, and it took me 2 days - so that he could have a successful party.  I did (and do) this as part of our 35-yr partnership.  At least he's a lot better than an academic colleague of his, who has been known to invite 40 guests for dinner while forgetting to tell his wife!!!

On the other hand, you could treat your in-laws the same way my son's wife treats me.  I am not welcome in her house.  It is eminently clear to me that this is true, because she totally ignores me if I am there.  Ignores me to the point of fixing breakfast for herself while my husband and I sit waiting for my son to get something ready for us.

Is this a generational thing?  Or is it culture?  (I am posting from the Netherlands).

gw

[Pen]

Gretchenw, there are many points of view. I'm glad you are giving yours, it helps to have different ways of looking at things. You sound like a kind and giving person, and your ILs are very lucky. As for your DIL, I feel for you, because I'm not welcome at my DIL's either...DS will invite us in for a quick stop if we're all out together, but we've never been invited for dinner or whatever. I'm always willing to have DIL at our home, though.

I think the OP was frustrated because her DH never helped but expected her to be ready for a visit from his persnickety Ps on short notice.

LOL, your story about your DH's colleague who forgot to mention to his wife that 40 people were coming to dinner is pretty amusing. Talk about the absent-minded professor!

[elsieshaye]

Gretchen, I hear what you're saying.  For me, it always came down to balance.  Early in my marriage, and especially for the time that I stayed home with DS, I didn't mind making my then-husband's lunch for the next day, or helping out in any other way he asked, since he was out of the home working long hours, which helped me be able to stay home with our child.  I didn't mind planning for having company over, for the same reason.  It felt more like a partnership at that point, and I had no problem doing my part.

However, when the tables turned, and I was the one working two jobs while he was home most of the day (and often all day as he was quite frequently unemployed) and our son was in daycare, I got very resentful about still being expected to make his lunches, do all the housework, and be the primary caregiver for our child. 

There's give and take in a relationship, or there should be, and when one person feels consistently disrespected or taken for granted, that person is much less willing to do things for the other person.  I know I didn't feel angry about plans my husband wanted my help with until I started feeling that he did not take my needs into consideration.  My "line in the sand" was not doing the dishes, when I finally did try to find a way to make myself heard.  (Talking did not help.  He'd agree in principle, and then still get shirty with me if his lunch wasn't made, regardless of when I got home that night, or what our son needed.  Haha, can you tell that I'm still bitter?)

Scoop, please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like your main issue is not so much that his parents are coming, but that there's no recognition of (and no help with) how much work is required to prepare for them, given the expectations they have while they're there.  And you really do seem to care about their expectations.  I know my ex would have said "oh, don't worry about them - they're here to see us and don't care about the house" no matter how many snide remarks and digs his father made (all of which were directed at me because I was the woman, and none at his son the packrat who was responsible for 90% of what we owned, and wouldn't hear of throwing anything away, ever).  He had learned to ignore his father, and I hadn't yet.  I did eventually get to that point, because one seriously couldn't survive XFIL without cultivating a cheerful disregard for whatever came out of his mouth, and I started to mirror how his own children and other relatives coped with him.  When that happened, I spent a lot less time fretting about the comments and the visits were a lot less stressful. 

[pam1]

Gretchenw, I think it was nice of you to react that way for your husbands dinners.  However, I think overnight guests are a totally different ballgame than a dinner and guests for a few hours.

Keys Girl, I totally love your suggestions!! LOL

[foofoo]

Hire a maid service to come the day before they are supposed to arrive.  Make the maid service be his father's day present.  Then, all you will have to do is plan a meal or two.  Make the meal or two a bbq and hand him a plate of meat and a spatula.

[Pooh]

Ha ha..I love all these suggestions!

gretchenw, you belong here just fine.  We all give different points of view at times and will have great conversations about them.  I totally get where you are coming from, because I am like that.  I have always viewed as the "wife-female-woman" or whatever you want to call it, that I would probably be more of the planner.  He's just not that good at it.  That's ok, he mows the yard and does laundry most of the time.  He does help me plan visits or overnight guests, but when his friend comes, that equates to making sure he has steaks to grill and beer in the fridge. Lol.  I have to check the sheets, towels, bathroom supplies, etc.  He just doesn't think that way.  If he wanted to have a party, he would help but he wouldn't remember 75% of the things it would take to do it.  Again, he would have the food and beer covered but wouldn't care if we had napkins.  His thought, "we got papertowels?"   

If you will go back and find some of the discussions we have had on things like holiday, birthday cards and gifts, you will see we have varying opinions on that too.  Some of us just shrug it off and think "it's just what I do" and some believe the DH should be getting his own for his family.  I promise, we all get on the same page sometimes in here, and sometimes we don't.  But it's great to see the other side.

[luise.volta]

And sometimes we just get silly because it is fun to do that once in a while...like maybe putting up a big quarantine sign on the house?

[Pooh]

I like that, or she could hire one of those pest-control people to come place a big tent over the house like they are fumigating?

[Scoop]

The main problem for me is the "no notice" because it comes with a big helping of "planning expected".

I was also hoping to point out that, in our case, the weekend goes sour (on me) *LONG* before the IL's even show up.  Sometimes, instead of hating MIL, it comes down to hating the rigamarole involved with DH and planning these visits, and I will admit I take it out on them.

My DH finally called them and was told that MIL is still trying to rearrange her schedule.  This will always be a sore spot for me, because her work will always be more important than her family.  Missing one weekend will not make her lose her job, or put them in the poorhouse.  At what point have you made "enough" money, that you can take some time for your family (and yourself)?

But at least I'm not mad at DH (for this), he called them, like I wanted him to and last night he did do some work around the house.

As for the cleaning lady, I'm sort of ashamed to admit that I already have one and she *is* coming a few days before the visit.  We still have to tidy up before she comes (she doesn't know were all of our junk goes - she does the cleaning, not the tidying) and we'll still have to tidy up AGAIN before the IL's come.  We have to wash the sheets and make the bed.  We have to get the special groceries required when the IL's visit (MIL does NOT drink tap water and MUST have cream in her coffee, among other things).

I swear, I'm not an ogre, I want to be a good hostess, but I need TIME to do it.

Thanks for your replies - especially the funny ones!  I wonder if I can get a quarantine sign AND an extermination tent?

[pam1]

Scoop, have you read The Dance of Anger?  I'm only starting it but I think you would really like it.  It has already helped me in understanding why I get so angry over similar things, like the anger before the ILs visit and starting it out on the wrong foot for me.

Anyway, does your DH have a solution to this issue?  It seems to me that having this brought to his attention once or twice should at least be a signal that something has to change.  I think he may be silently hoping that you'll change lol. 

Question, does your MIL ever call you to schedule visits?  Do you want her to?  Or would you prefer that remain in DHs hands?