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Am i a horrible human being?

Started by catherines, June 05, 2011, 02:37:22 am

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I don't really know how to start this. I have been married for nearly 3 years with an amazing men, and we have since had a little baby. I have had past history with a rather crazy MIL, who was sure her son was her property and that i was the evil witch that was out to get him. eventually she got her way and i left her son. I was very worried when i first met the mother of my current husband, she was however very welcoming and nice to me, as was the rest of the family. I should mention in passing that we live abroad from them, so we don't see each other very often. Everything was ok until we married. My husband had already told me before that his mother was a control freak and wouldn't listen unless you say what she want's to hear. She tried at first to play me against my husband by asking me to do things when she full well knew my husband had already told her no. I started telling her to discuss this or the other with her son rather then to try to get me to do it. When our baby was born she would give me advise that i hadn't request. I told my husband that she was hurting me with her attitude and he addressed it with her. Instead of being smart about this she made it worst by making me aware that he had talked to her. My husband gets very agitated when he spends too much time around his parents, and it causes tensions between us, which i hate as i love him dearly. My husband just had a big birthday and his parents didn't even send him as much as a card, let a long a present, whereas my family showered him on the occasion. When he addressed this with his mother she started  making up tons of excuses, of past gifts (which had never even existed) and finally told him it was because the baby slept too much on their last visit and they didnt see him enough! So basically she was punishing her own son for a baby that naps during the day!!!!! oh yes and probably that is also the reason the little one didn't get anything for christmas..... how sad is that! Now they are planning on coming to visit and i can not master to have them over to our house for more then a week, she has told her son that they aren't going to come for just 3 days with their grandchild, they want to come 2 weeks. I'm a nervous wreck just thinking of it and i literally feel like i'm going to kill someone if they come that long!!! Also they have a MASSIVE hygiene problem that i always tried to down play with my husband because i know he sees it and that it hurts him, but it's really bad. What can i do??? i can't have them come for 2 weeks, 1 week is already bad enough! I don't like myself for feeling like this, and i would love to have a good relationship with my in laws, but somehow they get the blood from under my nails! She always manipulates everything to make herself look like a victime! They are pretty loaded and we are well off as well, but still whenever we are with them we are paying for EVERYTHING! we are starting a family and have to build a life, we need that money for our kids future, for our future. My parents pay for everything when we see them, because they want us to save our money. They don't set rules as to "give some to get some", they are just caring people. I try to reason with myself, to remember that someday  could be a MIL and that i would want a good relationship with my DIL, but still i get anxiety attacks just at the prospect of having to have them around for a week, let along 2! this also means i don't want to leave my child alone with them for more then 1 min, as she has proven in the past that she doesn't listen to what i say or ask, she just does what she want to do!!! it drives me up the wall. Am i a horrible human being? because i feel like it. I just always dreamed of a great MIL with whom i would do things and which i would at least like if not love. I have nothing of that, and it makes me sad for both my husband and for my child as I do alienate them from our lives. C

lancaster lady

Hello Catherines and Welcome :

You are joining a forum where your problems are common place .
We have lots of DIL.'s and MIL's who can relate and help you  .

As your MIL hasn't considered you in her plans , or been very kind previously , I reckon
you are well within your rights to create your own rules and boundaries .
Remember this is your house , your baby , your rules .
Without being discourteous , let your MIL know what you're happy with .


Welcome Catherines :)

No, you're not a horrible human being.  You're just different than them and different is ok!

I think I would let the gifts and comparisons to your FOO go.  It's simply not fair to compare the two.  And it's ok if someone doesn't have the same philosophy towards gifts that you do. 

Two weeks is a very long time for visitors.  Heck, one week is a long time.  We've talked about this a lot here and the general consensus is 3 days.  Even with 3 days there are still different trains of thought about guests staying in the home vs a hotel.  In any case, this is definitely something you and DH have to talk about and it isn't about being horrible or not liking someone.  It's very, very common for people to limit and lay out boundaries for house guests.  Your home is your castle!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift


Its not up to her how long she stays that is up to you and your DH.  I mean by all means she can stay in the country as long as she wants but she can't show up and expect you to have in your home or hang out with her as long as she wants too.  Tell her the 1st week they can hang out with you guys 2nd week can be spend being a tourist and the last full day feel free to stop by.


I agree. It is hard for some parents, who have "always" made the get that a new family unit has been established and that their adult children have the same rights. The parent's don't' get to continue to direct and control. It was once necessary because small children don't "drive the car." If you put a 2 year-old behind the wheel you can predict the result. So parent decide and parents teach and parents supervise and parents are totally in charge. However, when those same children become adults, the parents don't continue "to drive the car" with those same children still in the back seat. Picture that. Ridiculous, right? However, some parents try to keep right on driving the car because they always have and they know how to do it better than anyone else; especially a new driver.

It can get to be a habit...and parents can think that it is a fact of life. They may feel their influence and preferences will be perpetuated...that is not true and it isn't even healthy.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama


CatherineS, welcome to the site. If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the Modified Forum Agreement as well as How This Happened under the topic of Open Me First at the top of the home page. Your post is fine, but we like everyone who joins to know the ropes.

I hope you get the advice, support and help you need to make progress in your situation. It sounds like a tough one, but you seem to be willing to do your bit to make it work out. You do have a say in the matter; it's totally doable w/o making you or your ILs feel "less than." You just need to find a happy medium and hope that everyone can act like civilized adults. Easier said than done sometimes, LOL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Quote from: SassyDI on June 05, 2011, 07:52:41 am
Its not up to her how long she stays that is up to you and your DH.  I mean by all means she can stay in the country as long as she wants but she can't show up and expect you to have in your home or hang out with her as long as she wants too.  Tell her the 1st week they can hang out with you guys 2nd week can be spend being a tourist and the last full day feel free to stop by.

What a great suggestion, SassyDI. It sounds workable and very generous to the ILs. Now if CatherineS can just make it through that one week, LOL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb


Welcome Catherines to a place you will find great support and advice.  I want to address your topic question first.  Absolutely not!  You are no way, shape or form a horrible human being.  You are a person who wants to have a better relationship with your ILs and are not getting very much help out of them.

I agree with everyone else.  You and DH can set your house rules.  Tell them you would love to see them, but the baby does sleep alot like most babies do, so if they could stay at a hotel and just come over for a few hours at a time, that would be the best solution.  I also think SassyDI had a great idea.  Let them know that you thnk it's great that they are getting to come for 2 weeks, but you think they deserve vacation time as well so 1 week around you guys and 1 week going to see everything would be awesome!

Hang in there.  They may not like it, but sick with it.  Present a united front between you and your DH and stand your ground.  They will either accept your compromise, or not.  If they don't, you did your best and they were not going to like anything you suggested.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell


I can see both sides of this visit question.  Your MIL is coming from overseas to visit and that is a costly proposition in she would like to get as much time in with you as she can.  Still 3 days to one week of in house visitation should be more than enough closeness to satisfy conventions.....the remaining time should be done from a hotel/motel/bed and breakfast location on her part.  Any self respecting adult should also be paying their own expenses on trips and such....if one can't afford to go they should stay home.  Of course, this would apply to yourselves on any visits you two decide to take.

  Keep letting your husband handle his mother with you supporting him.  Keep the discussion open between all the parties involved...don't take everything personally and remember as you are learning to interact with a new set of family members, she is also having to deal with her changed status and learn new behavior patterns herself.