New here, don't know what to do

[luise.volta]

You are in the right place. Never forget that. And the mext move (for you) is to get that what she thinks and does is about her, not you...and that you willnever be able make sense of the senseless. Focus on saving yourself and healing. We are ll here for you. Sending love...

[dvg]

Thanks.  DD has been communicating with me more - because SS has been very mean to her.  In addition to putting the hole in the door, he has been keeping her up late with his drinking, bringing his so-called friends over, and yelling at her for not keeping the place clean enough - of course, he never picks up after himself.

I've offered to go there and help her kick him out, but then she tells me that if I show up at this place - which I'm paying for - she will run off and drop out of school and I'll never see her again.

It's like she turns to me for a sympathetic ear, but then doesn't want me to do anything to get rid of SS.

I'm already bracing myself for Christmas.  SS will not be allowed here again, and she probably won't want to come unless I let him come, and I really don't want him in my house.  I'm trying to let her know that I'll be there for her, but not him.

Also bracing myself for the housing fight for next year.  I'm going to tell her that she can live in the dorm or find something that will cost the same as the dorm, which means roommates - in the dorm or with roommates SS will not be allowed there, and if she has an apartment I know she'll let SS back in, no matter how much she says she "hates" him when he is so mean to her. 

That will be the only way to keep costs down and to keep SS out.  Her "brother" has been a nightmare for me and for her, but she seems to go through these cycles of being very hurt by him and then forgiving him everything.  On the other hand, I might forgive him, but that doesn't mean I'll let him back in my house.

[lancaster lady]

DVG:

I think you are being very patient with your DD .
I must admit if it was my DD , I would be there in a split second and have that scumbag out on his ear !!
Stick to your guns re Christmas , I wouldn't have him in my house either .
I hope she comes to her senses soon , and turfs him out ! Also I hope she is managing to keep
her studies up , otherwise it will be a waste of time and money her being there .
We jump from crisis to crisis with our kids ....I don't think it ever ends !
She is lucky to have you DVG she will realise this one day .

[amflautist]

Save yourself and your sanity and your job!!  You are not going to be able to support DD or anyone if you lose your job. 

Step 1.  Tell DD that you don't want to hear about her drama with SS.  It is her responsibility to kick him out and get down to work with her studies.  Also tell her that if she withdraws from school, the free apt is gone: she will be asked to vacate, and she will be evicted if she refuses.

Step 2.  When she withdraws from school, tell her that she is welcome at home without SS, but that you are not going to support her there, and that you are subletting the apt to another student.  Have her and SS evicted if they refuse to leave.

Your job is to be a good mother.  Good mothers are not doormats.  They set the standards for the family and they set good examples.

We will give you all the moral support you need. 

[amflautist]

P.S.  If you are sure that illegal drugs are in the mix, tell your daughter that it is her responsibility to get rid of them.  If she doesn't, notify the landlord. 

[Pooh]

Amen AM!  I totally agree.

[sesamejane]

Yep, AmF, my thoughts exactly! 

[Pen]

Well put, AM. I agree as well!

[Rose799]

I wish I had all of you in my life years ago!  You not only possess wisdom beyond measure; you also know how to flex your muscles when necessary.  Luise will be so proud when she reads this thread!!!  : )

[dvg]

Thanks to all of you.  I am so glad you are here.

I've offered repeatedly to go down there and throw him out, but she says if I do that, or if I notify the landlord, she will take off and I'll never see her again, and  I'm afraid to call her on that.  If I could be sure she wasn't there, I could call the police, but if she was there, she would be arrested along with him, and I know she would suspect I informed on them.

I have told her that next year, I will not pay for any housing arrangements that involve SS living with her - whether it's the dorm, renting a room in a house, or finding an apartment with roommates (no one would put up with SS being there).

She sometimes calls me to vent when SS is being mean to her.  He yells at her over nothing, and he won't buy any food.  She does realize that he is derailing her academics - she has had to drop a course she was failing. 

Today he took off and she was worried that he might be dead.  I listened, and then made the mistake of telling her that I understood how worried she was, that is how I feel when I don't hear from her - and she hung up on me.

She is terribly depressed and I'm afraid she might commit suicide.  She's talked about it.  If she did, I would too because I could not live with that. 

Thank you for being here.  I have nowhere else to go.

[luise.volta]

Any talk about suicide even secondary is beyond the scope of this forum. You need to get some one-on-one help with this. Please follow though with that ASAP.

[lancaster lady]

Dvg ..........I think its time to pay your D D a visit if you and her are feeling this way. You will feel better having seen her , also it will give you the chance to talk . You never know seeing you might be just what she.needs . This is what I would do .  I think.she needs you more than she realises .

[Rose799]

I remember your earlier posts regarding dd & ss, & I understand your concerns.  What I see though is that neither you, nor dd, are making moves to improve matters.  You're the one paying the rent & for her education.  You are ultimately responsible for what goes on in that apartment, and you do have the power to put a stop to it.  The longer this goes on, the worse it's going to be.  If I were in your shoes, I'd call her bluff.   Do what you know needs doing, for all your sakes.  Putting your foot down may even save ss in the end, no telling.    Unbeknownst to us, dd's bf was an alcoholic.   They were living together & she covered for him as best she could, until he dumped her.  They would still be together today, had dh & I put up with it.  Dd was headed for a life of misery.  She was supporting bf while we paid for her school.  Dd wasn't happy with us but she moved on, she's got her degree & is happily married now.  She knows she doesn't have to take abuse from anyone as she's fully capable of standing on her own.  Our shoulders sometimes have to be broad enough to carry the entire load, Dvg.    She may pitch a fit, as mine did, but hold your ground.   I know it feels horrible, but contrast that to how you'll feel in 10 years when she blames you for her lot in life?  You can do it, dvg, have faith in yourself & faith in your dd. 

AM gave you some great advice earlier...  Hang in there, dvg!

[dvg]

It's been a while since I posted - thanks for all the great advice.  I've thought about it often.  Amflautist, I especially wanted to thank you. 

The cycles have been continuing - she calls me to vent when SS is being mean to her on his drug rants, but then he's nice to her again, and she forgives him.  Once she admitted that it's like an abusive relationship.  I'm trying to talk her into going back to the counseling center - she went a few times.  She won't get rid of him.  She says she's afraid if she did, that he would ruin her life, and physically hurt her.  I want to throw him out, then again she says if I came there she'll never talk to me again. 

The latest is that now she might not come home for Christmas.  I had hoped, and expected, that she would come at least for a few days, and I told her that I would even put up with SS for a few days.  Now she says that she wants to spend all of her semester break in New York because she won't get a summer vacation because now that she dropped that class, she has to go to summer school.
 
Christmas involves my mother too - and she's been very good to DD and is going to be very hurt that DD might not come.  Plus she's getting up there in years, and this could be her last Christmas, and I know if it is, DD would regret it.  My mother sees it as DD choosing her awful half brother over her, and I understand that.  I"m really hurt and angry too.

DD says that the only way she would come is if I got her a ticket to NY, then to come here for a couple of days over Christmas, then back to NY, then back to school, which is expensive.

I don't know what to do.  Actually, at this point I don't feel like I should have to pay for her adventures in NY.  I'm tempted to tell her I'll get her a ticket to come here for Christmas but that's it, that I will not get her a ticket for NY.

She says she doesn't care about Christmas, but she sure wants presents - sent me a list of stuff she wants (I'm tempted to take the advice I gave about giving to charity instead of to ungrateful adult children). 

What complicates it is that SS will be going to NY, and I don't want her getting in the car with him.  When they drove before, he went 110 on the freeway, tailgating, and had a couple of near misses at that speed.  DD was terrified - and if I don't get her a ticket and he wrecks the car and she gets hurt, I'll feel guilty. 

What would you do? 

[luise.volta]

DVG - Good to see you! First off, I would stop the "what ifs." What if she takes a plane and it crashes? What is she stays home and a tree falls on her? What ifs never end. You do whatever you do and what follows is not under your control or your fault. When I start that, (and I do), I tell myself that I'm not that important and the world doesn't revolve around me.

Secondly, I would say no. Without explanation or apology...just no, you are not going to do it. Period. Your call and that's it. Sending love...