New here, don't know what to do

[dvg]

There was another big blowup yesterday.  DD and stepson accused me of going in her room and moving something, which I didn't do - I hadn't even been in her room! - and stepson accused me of spying on them in their sleep (as if I'd want to).  Then stepson screamed at me about how I'm controlling and manipulative and have agendas (if I do, all it is, and I told them this, is that I want them to be happy).  DD called me every name in the book accusing me of something I did not do.  He also accused me of going through his stuff and hiding something of his - so did she - of course, when he looked a little more, he found it.  Neither apologized.

Thing is, I know to walk away from the screaming, and that is what I usually do, but I am so emotionally and physically exhausted that I stood there and took it.

Both of them crossed a line with me.  I'm being very distant with them and barely even speaking to them.  So it looks as if my worst fear - estrangement - is happening even though they are both here (they stormed off, but then apparently decided they did not want to fork over the money for a hotel). 

I'm beginning to look on my relationship with DD as emotionally abusive on her side (if it is on mine, I don't know what I'm doing wrong).  She will get her college tuition paid, and her housing because I agreed to that, but no more extras, simply because I am too hurt to feel like doing much for her now.

I tried.  Time to accept that the best I could do was not good enough for her.  Oh, she'll be in touch as long as she is financially dependent, and by the time she's not, I can hope and pray that she forgives me for being the horrible mother she thinks I was.

And I have to remember I was a person before I had her, and will be if she walks out of my life.

I'll be careful to not overcorrect in demanding respect.  Right now I'm thinking that more distant communication is the way to go.  If she gets in any trouble, I know I'll hear from her.

[Pooh]

Bless your heart dvg.  There is absolutely no excuse for their behavior.  Please set some boundaries with them and stick to them.  If they can't treat you with respect, they need to move out.  If they can not communicate like adults, then they need to move out.  I also know that you agreed to give her the college money, but she needs to uphold her end.  Her end is to treat you with respect. 

I am afraid that even if you give her the money, she will continue to treat you this way.  She is not learning and you don't deserve that.  SS needs a lesson as well.  It is your home dvg, so it's your rules.  They don't have to like it, but they need to abide by it or move on.

You said it all with "I have to remember I was a person before I had her, and will be if she walks out of my life."  Please dvg, keep repeating that to yourself and set some boundaries for yourself.  You deserve it.

[Rose799]

I'm so sorry, dvg.  Back when we had issues with dd & she was in college, we took quite a bit from her in order to see her graduate.  She took her grant $$ & left, knowing we'd pay her tuition.  I wish we could go back, as it didn't do a thing to improve matters.  Though dd was fully grown, I found good advice through this website.  They suggest sensible alternatives other than doing battle with them.  I also ordered their cd's.  Dh & I had many aha moments.  If only we'd known then what we now know...   They also offer advice for dp's who have ac living at home. 

http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/default.aspx

[Rose799]

I should have added this link.  You'll find Total Transformation articles, & parent blogs here, & you can also sign up for free e-mails...

http://www.empoweringparents.com/

[Ruth]

I believe your dd will do a full swing at some point, I don't know when but I saw this same thing happen with my niece, in her case it was after her own children were born, but the explosions take the wind out of you.  I am so sorry and share your pain.

[Bcos]

Hi DVG,  This is my first time posting on this site, I normally look at the DIL/MIL forums but stumbled upon your post and really felt I wanted to write as I WAS that teenager.  I was awful to my mother when I was around that age and she prescribed to the tough love method.  I understand you feel that your daughter is in danger but I think she is essentially just being a teenager, testing the boundries etc.  I was taught that there is a consequence to my actions, if I behaved badly I paid for it by having privileges taken away.  If your daughter thinks you went into her room and moved stuff, who cares .. you probably paid for everything in there right? Therefore it actually belongs to you and you have every right to take it away or move it!  It sounds like you are doing your very best (only now that I'm an adult I have heard about the hell I put my Mum through, she hid it very well.) the biggest thing my Mum said about it was stick to your guns and have a very good support network.  I wish you all the best and I'm sure one day when your daughters crazy hormones calm down you two will be the best of friends! Big Hugs!

[Pen]

Hey Bcos, welcome to the site. If you haven't already done so, please take a minute to read the Forum Agreement under Open Me First at the top of the home page. Your post is fine, we just like everyone to know the policies of the forum.

Thanks for giving a lot of moms some hope. You sound like a great daughter now!

[Nana]

Welcome to this Forum Bcos....I agree with Pen....you sound a very good daughter now....sometimes it is only a transition time and we go back to be what we have always been.  I also remember having a bad relationship with my mom in my teens....I was not rebelious but Iwas very hard to pleased....and I was driving my mom nuts....she just put me in my place a couple of times.  Later on, we were very good friends until the last day of her life....

DVG...dont lose hope.....and very good attitude....you were someone valuable before being a mother (just as she is) and you will continue being a whole person...with or without her.

I wish you luck .....they are young DVG...have a lot of learning to do.

Love 

[Bcos]

Thank you ladies, I wasn't sure how my post would be received! Dvg my mum and I are the best of friends now, I threaten to cut her off and told her I hated her how many times and the thought of it now makes me sick, I can't imagine life without her, she is my best friend. I really hope this gives you hope in dealing with a teenager. But please set boundaries with her, if you're paying then you're the boss! She is only young and has a lot to learn but at this stage in her life she thinks she knows everything ... My husband has told me he doesn't want daughters because he thinks they will be like me as teenagers ... And I think I agree with him... Please feel free to email me personally if you want to deal with a horrible teenager like I was! Again sending you big hugs! Xx

[luise.volta]

Welcome!

I, too, was the "bad" one. Kicked out of Girl Scouts and church choir for insubordination. Sent to the Principal's office(s) for the same thing. Lots of problems for my parents and probably sleepless nights. I played in school instead of working and my grades where a horror. (Both of my sisters were wonderful.)

Fast forward to when my mother was gone and my dad was 85 and alone, who do you suppose brought him to WA and made a home for him because neither of my sister cared? Yup! Every once in a while he would try to regale my DH with stories about what a difficult child I had been and DH, a psychologist, would laugh and say..."How many times was she picked up for shoplifting? Oh, none? How many fights did she get into? None? Did she get a STD or have an illegitimate baby? No? Expelled from school? Not that either? Was she into alcohol and drugs? Never? Hummmm..." And then we would all laugh! 

My dad was the most wonderful man and he thought I walked on water...eventually. 

[Pooh]

And here I was Luise picturing you as the meek, goody two-shoes, as a child and teenager.....NOT!!!! 

[luise.volta]

 

I know this sounds self-serving, because it is, but sometimes those of us who march to our own drummers don't turn out all that bad. 

[elsieshaye]

I know this sounds self-serving, because it is, but sometimes those of us who march to our own drummers don't turn out all that bad. 

That's what I'm hoping for with my son.  He definitely has his own drummer (heck, he's got a whole orchestra in there), and I can see how a lot of his currently-eventful qualities will really serve him well later in life.  I gotta say, I have never once worried that he wouldn't be able to take care of himself or have an interesting life.

[dvg]

Thank you all so much.

Pooh, you're right, I'm going to have to set boundaries.  There is a mismatch in that I'm a pacifist and she is very stubborn and self-willed.  After the last blowup, there was another one and stepson screamed at me for over two hours.  I'm beginning to look at the behavior of both of them as emotionally abusive.  It's reached the point where I can barely function.

Rose, thank you for the links.  I need all the help I can get.

Ruth, I so hope you are right and that she will turn around, but have to be prepared that she won't.

Bcos, God bless you!  Thank you so much for giving me hope that some day my daughter will act differently.  You are a wonderful person now, and I'm so happy for you and your mom that you get along so well now.  There have been times when D and I get along well (she's vented to me when SS is awful to her) but other times when we don't get along at all. 

I'm also trying to hide how much D is hurting me.  So far, she hasn't seen me cry over her, though I have shed many tears.  So glad I found this site because this isn't something I can share with many people.  With all the happy families out there, I feel like such a failure.  I did my best an maybe it wasn't enough.

It seems that sometimes the tears will never end.  Right now neither of them is talking to me, and I'm avoiding them.  The coldness is better than another major blowup.

Although I don't have insurance, I'm thinking of finding a family counselor and going myself.  I feel I can't take any more.  The two of them act as if nothing had happened - they only screamed at me for hours.  Stepson called me stupid for not getting her a cheaper apartment and a car rather than one with access to public transit.  The way I'm feeling now, D can go back to the dorm next year or drop out.  I am so exhausted from being treated like dirt or else like an ATM machine.

Trying to practice unconditional love, but not accept unacceptable, emotionally abusive behavior.  It's a fine line.

Luise, I don't think what you did as a kid was so horrible - it's the total disrespect, namecalling, yelling, pure hatred, and disappearing act that is killing.  If only it didn't have to be like this.

[luise.volta]

You have to remember that was in the early 1940s. It was horrible then.