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New here, don't know what to do

Started by dvg, May 29, 2011, 07:31:17 am

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lancaster lady

DVG ....      You are worrying yourself ill about your DD . You only get from a relationship what you put in , and your DD isn't putting  in anything ! She expects so much without anything in return . I know how much you want to see her but at what a cost ! And a list of presents ! Why give into her demands ? Who is the parent here ? Be strong and refuse everything , it may surprise her and start her thinking .jmho

Pooh

Good to hear from you DVG.  I agree with LL and Luise.  The only way to stop this vicious cycle she has you in, is to quit playing the game.  It's on you at this point.  It's a game, and you are letting her win.  She can't win if you remove your playing piece and let her play solitaire.  I know you love her but she is using you for what she wants and using the knowledge she has that you do love her to get her way.

Say NO to the trip and NO to the list of gifts. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

firelight

dvg, I have been reading all 8 pages of threads as a result of this post and I totally understand you (welcome by the way).  I have done the same things, look at the pics, and really just mourn for a life that once was....I even have my daughter and grandbaby on my  computer background and my phone.  I am thinking of changing that.....not to forget but to move one from where I am now.  I have forced myself to decorate for Christmas, I am actually doing it!  For a minute there I thought I was going to put the tree back in it's box once I set it up.  But, I am going to put up my nativity scene shortly and focusing on that somehow lifts the heaviness somewhat in my heart.  I am finding I am getting tired of this feeling of stress and worry and tears all the time over my own situation.  Today I am having feelings of self-preservation and Luise is right, we have to save ourselves.  We mom's spent our lives providing and protecting our children.  I blamed myself for the longest and everyone keeps telling me my DD is an adult and has definitely makes her own choices, like yours.  They will have to suffer the consequences of their own poor choices.  We can be there to help pick up the pieces to an extent, but for what is going on now, we do have to save ourselves.  Try to stay busy....there are many steps to the grieving process and we just have to get through those steps.  It is the initial shock of it all that hits so hard......I, for one, am ready to try to move on.  My DD and GC are always on my mind but sometimes things are just out of our hands.  I have surrendered my loved ones to God.  I will always love them dearly, but this is a time in my DD's life that is a not so good growing experience.  Sometimes even when a bad road is staring them right in the face, they won't see it till the stare becomes a slap.  And that applies to us too.  Much love to you.  You have found a awesome community here and you are not alone! 
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

firelight

p.s.  and Pooh is right, the only way for the game to stop is to stop playing it.  This is the first year out of many I have decided to skip my beligerent (beligerent to me) SIL's birthday (and I did) and I actually have the Christmas items in my car ready to take back to the store.  Luise said if a dog bites you, you don't give him a treat......and I like to say, "If you don't reward the puppy, he won't do the trick again."  So, we'll see what happens....I am a giver at heart (as I see many of the women on here are) so for me not to do it is hard.  But after the last few incidences with my SIL, I am getting to the point where I just don't care anymore whether he gets a gift or not.  When my husband asked why in the world would I buy him anything this year?  I told him I guess I was just trying to hold on to the past (when things were better) and make the family normal again....but you know, there's nothing normal about what is going on this year and I'm frankly just tired of trying to make something happen that really is out of my hands.  We are only doormats if we allow it and I'm just done with that game.  I will continue to pray for my DD family and sometimes that is the best gift we can give.
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

sesamejane

Gosh, finally read the Coleman book, and it has a lot of good information in it.

I am sending $$ to Heifer this year on behalf of most everyone that I love and am estranged from, Somewhere someone will benefit from the "chicks, trees, seeds, goats, etc." I will not send a card to the estranged however - it's just enough that I did it. I feel good about the gift.  Maybe I'll put the Heifer card in a scrap book.

Say 'no' dvg. I have been there with my daughter, and you just say 'no' with love.  Let her have a tantrum, call the pollice when she threatens suicide (one visit from them, and that will stop that little trick, especially if there are drugs in the house).  Take care of yourself, and do not fund an education that is built on drug use.  I would not pay for her education unless her grades are solid (I would accept C because it is her choice if she performs or not - and C is passing), and I would insist on counseling.  But that's me.

My daughter started turning around when she started seeing a counselor that she liked. 

eneerglir

I've been through about the same thing several times.  First with my youngest sister and now with my youngest daughter.
I know it's hard but everything works out in the end, you just have to give your daughter patience and space. 
I bought my daughter a phone so she could always get help if she needed it.  I always made sure I paid the bill and if I got really lonely, I'd call just to hear her message and hang up real quick.  At lease I knew she was alive.

Pen

Eneerglir, if you've alread had an official welcome, sorry to be repeating it here. I looked but didn't see one, so here goes:

If you haven't already done so, please read the pink-highlighted Forum Agreement and How This Happened under Open Me First on the homepage. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit. BTW, disregard the awful spam that is hitting us regularly these days; we four moderators know about it and will eradicate it as soon as we log in from our various time zones.

Welcome to the site!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

dvg

Thanks so much to all of you.  I am so grateful that you all are here.  What a wonderful community you are!  I thought that I was the only one.  It's especially difficult at this time of year, with all the images of happy families, when the reality is that the worst emotional pain comes from the family.

DD and SS had a big argument, and tonight DD is staying with friends.  Thank God she's safe!  She's worried that SS might destroy everything in the apartment.  I told her that what matters is that she is safe, for her not to go back there alone, and that if he does damage her stuff, it's time for a police report. 

At least right now, she's ready to move out of there.  After all her stuff is moved out, I'll see about breaking the lease (hoping that when I tell the landlord the truth that he'll be happy to get rid of SS).  DD is already saying that she wants another apartment - no way.  She can move into the dorm next semester. 

I'll just have to hold firm and tell her that she's not going to manipulate me into another apartment.  She's put up with so much from SS and his drug using friends, she can put up with a roommate.  I've told her that whatever a roommate would be like, it would be much better than what she's had with SS.  She can move back here, or live in the dorm, or try to find a job.  You all are right, I have to stop playing her game and letting her manipulate me. 

It's been next to impossible to get my work done, and worrying about her has been literally making me sick.  As for her going to NY, with or without SS, I'll have to tell her that she is an adult and I can't stop her from going - but I am not going to pay for it, either.  If she wants to do that, she can get a job and pay for it herself. 

I pay for her cell phone, and often I check online to see if she's called or texted anyone.  It's proof of life.
She has to realize that I don't have unlimited money - and I've told her that I will never pay for any housing arrangement that would allow for the possibility of SS moving in with her.  She needs to get him out of her life.  Right now she is afraid of him and his violent temper.  It's like an abusive relationship. 

Thank you all so much for being here!  You're helping me stay somewhat sane...

Pen

You sound strong & sure, Dvg. Good for you for sticking to your guns. I have a feeling things are turning around for your DD. Best wishes.'
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dvg

Thanks... I love you guys.  Hoping and praying that things will turn around for DD.  She has to get away from SS.  For now I'm telling her first things first, be safe and get through the semester.  Since she's an adult I don't know how I could force her to get counseling but I'm going to keep pushing for it... she needs it.  I'm going myself.