OMG

[themuffin]

Hi Tara,

I also agree with Pam.  Thanks Pam.  You made some very valid points.  Although FDIL have called a minor truce now I know that the rollercoaster ride is not over.  She may be angry all over again tomorrow. 

I am comfortable with where we are now and intend to give both DS and FDIL their space.  I will take their calls if they call, but I won't be calling them.  I take comfort that DS will reach out to me if he needs me.  Right now I need to let them lean on each other and deal together with the first biggest crisis of their relationship.  This is between the two of them.  DS is behaving like a responsible adult now and I am proud of him.  I will respect him and treat him as such.

Thank you all for every comment.  I appreciate them.  And Holly, I have to say that I never thought of the impact that comment I made had on FDIL. You made me see it thru her eyes.  Although, at the time I was hurt and angry and didn't think it was the most vicious thing I could have said, reading your comment made me believe that it was perhaps worst than any name I could have ever called her.  That is why I felt the need to apologize to her repeatedly.  Thanks for showing me what I didn't really see before.
 

[themuffin]

Holly, I forgot one other thing. I didn't tell FDIL she was wounded, sad and angry.  I wrote that to DS.  In writing it to DS and also writing that I was not mad at FDIL, I was not trying to come across as insulting, but instead...understanding.  Now if I had texted FDIL that she was just wounded, sad and angry it would come across as insulting.  That was not my intent.

[holliberri]

Muffin, I knew you said that to DS. I also knew all of the wonderful things you had done for FDIL beforehand as well, so it wasn't like I wanted to single you out for that one text. I am fairly rational for the most part, but if I had to go through a situation such as this, I know I would not be rational. I think my point was that FDIL may be looking at all the bad at the moment, and none of the good. I'd also wager to say that she is having a perfectly normal reaction, and she needs people in her life that are not going to take her lashing out as her being a wounded angry person in general. They need to be able to take it for what it is: a mess of emotions that she just does not know what to do with. I think quite happy, well-adjusted people would have a reaction to this as she had...I also think that my relationship with my in-laws would be the aboslutely lowest of the low on my priority list at that time, if anything like this ever happened to me. Not because I don't like them, but because in comparison, one of my parents taking their life would be larger than life for me.

There is a possibility that she could get a hold of his phone to read that text, and there is also a possibility that he himself will tell her what you said. I think that is what I was afraid of, although I didn't say that in my post. People tell their SOs what parents say about them all the time. You also mentioned your son was not honest with her when he talked about you at first, so are you sure he wouldn't repeat that to her for some reason (any reason?)?

I think that the big picture is that this young woman lost her father in one of the most terrible ways imaginable. I've been reading your posts as  you write them. Here's what I see: you bounce back and forth between saying this girl did awful things and saying that you're sorry for certain things you did to her, but you then say you were justified in doing what you did to her because  what she did to you was worse. NONE of that matters right now. It is small and petty and useless, and it's not fair to her. I guarantee she picks up on your feelings about her, even if you would never say it to her.

I know this is an emotional time for you, but if there is one thing I think she needs in her life now, it is people who give her consistency. This is by far a more emotional time for her, and it seems like we are all forgetting that. Real, pure forgiveness (and not because she said sorry first, or left a nice but sad voicemail) might go a long way. It could also go a long way to help you heal as well. It might be the only thing you can do for her at this point.

[overwhelmed123]

Muffin, it sounds like there is a lot that has unraveled in the last few days and you've handled it all with grace.  I am confused about one part though.  I thought you said earlier that you texted FDIL after you heard and told her you were sorry for what had happened...did I imagine that?  If that happened, then your DS said don't tell her you know her dad killed herself and you said "okay I won't," is confusing to me b/c I thought she already knew you knew.  And when she called, it seems like she wasn't hiding what happened, so I'm confused.  Didn't she know you knew since the day it happened?

[Keys Girl]

Themuffin, just a small note, I would consider that everything you write to your son will be read by your FDIL.  That's been my experience.  Wishing you luck,

[lancaster lady]

I think Muffin just sent a text saying sorry , she didn't mention why she said or sent it .
I just know that each of you are there to support the other , whichever and whoever , and hopefully
all past angers fade into insignificance through this terrible tragedy .
Muffin , you have let them know you are there for them , I think they will be in touch when they need
you .
Sending warmest wishes to you in this traumatic time .
Be wary too Muffin , that everything you send to Ds will be shown to Dil , and sometimes taken the wrong
way .Tread carefully .

[Pooh]

Themuffin, just a small note, I would consider that everything you write to your son will be read by your FDIL.  That's been my experience.  Wishing you luck,

Me too

[seasons]

What ever happened to the idea of sending cards to people?  In this circumstance, I would want to send FDIL a sweet note card - probably one that didn't have any message on it, but one where I could write whatever I wanted.  I know that there were times in my life when receiving a card that I could put on my desk at work, or under my pillow, was very helpful. 

Does that date me?  Do young people do anything like that these days?

[themuffin]

Hi Overwhelmed, 

No you didn't misunderstand.  I did send FDIL a message saying how sorry I was.  DS asked me not to that that I knew how her father died.  Which is why I asked him why does it matter. 

Hi Holly,

This is a complex situation and emotionally draining.  The reason there seems to be no consistency is because I don't always feel the same way. Remember, I wanted to love FDIL, I tried very hard.  After we cleared the air she and I got along very well.  She didn't do anything awful to me, nor did I do anything awful to her.  We exchanged negative communications.  This all just began right after DS and I had our incident those five or six weeks ago.  I don't know if I used the words of feeling "justified", but I did imply that my actions were directly related to her actions. Meaning I wasn't the one who came out swinging, but yes I did fight back and for that I did apologize.   

About picking up on my feelings about her, I don't know how she could because right now I don't know how I feel about her.  When she lived with me my feelings were positive and I thought hers were the same.  I was blindsided when she called me and began the name calling.  We hadn't exchanged negative words of any kind prior to that.  I felt as if she had been faking it the entire time and just wanted the reason to tell me off.  So I don't know what kind of feelings she was suppose to pick up, there was nothing to say to her, even if I would never say it to her.

And yes, DS probably has let her read the text.  I thought of that possibility when I wrote it.  That's why I said that I wasn't angry with FDIL, and that I felt she was wounded, sad and angry.  I didn't say she was a evil, selfish you know what.  And the truth is, she is wounded, sad and angry. Even DS doesn't deny that.  I know her life story, or at least what she's told me, and believe me she has a reason to feel wounded, sad and angry.  Apparently, she did not take offense by it, because it was the last message I sent to DS and thus today I got the nice phone message.

And you are right, none of this matters right now, but I think I already implied that.


"I know this is an emotional time for you, but if there is one thing I think she needs in her life now, it is people who give her consistency. This is by far a more emotional time for her, and it seems like we are all forgetting that. Real, pure forgiveness (and not because she said sorry first, or left a nice but sad voicemail) might go a long way. It could also go a long way to help you heal as well. It might be the only thing you can do for her at this point"

I don't think anyone has forgotten about what FDIL is going thru.  This is ALL about her and her pain and how sorry everyone on this post has conveyed, including myself.  I put myself out there just to let her know that regardless of our petty differences (and I tell you I DON'T know why we are fighting!!!) I still care and am so sorry for her pain.  Oh, and she never said sorry first.  I did.  And not because I felt I was more wrong than she, but because I wanted to do the right thing and take the first steps to fix this.  Her voicemail wasn't "nice and sad" it was selfless.  In her time of grief she was thinking of DS.  It must have upset him that she was upset with me, so in order to help him she reached out to me.  I was touched by the love she showed for him.

And with that I better get some work done.

Hugs

[overwhelmed123]

Ohhhh...okay.  Makes much more sense now.  Sorry I didn't get it!  I didn't get much sleep last night!

[themuffin]

LOL, LL.  No problem.  I didn't sleep well last night either.  My cocker spaniel kept having nightmares and was crying in his sleep.  Poor baby.

[themuffin]

Opps, I met OW!!! see, we are both tired!

[overwhelmed123]

Seasons- I'm "young" and I love sending cards.  I do it all the time, and I prefer not to send personal matters over texts either.  I think this was just the easiest, quickest way for Muffin to communicate at this time.  But I don't think any of my friends really send handwritten cards.  I don't know why, but I do think it's kinda sad.

[holliberri]

I wasn't blaming you for inconsistency, Muffin. I just said it was there and not helpful to a girl that has apparently nothing consistent in her life at the moment.

[themuffin]

Hi Seasons,

I missed your comment, sorry.  Overwhelmed answered your question exactly as I would have for me! THANKS OW!!

It was just the tragic circumstances that made me send the text.  I wanted to reach out to her right away and I didn't dare call.  I did not want to waste time getting a card and sending it thru the mail.  This is the woman my DS says he's going to marry.  She had just learned her dad was dead.  I needed her to know that I cared.  It simply couldn't wait.  I have considered sending a card, but will let my heart guide me on this over the weekend.  It may be too much and I don't want to overwhelm her at this time.