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OMG

Started by themuffin, May 25, 2011, 06:28:48 AM

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themuffin

Good morning Wise Women!

   Well, here's the update.  DS texted me yesterday that if FDIL were to ask I should not tell her that I know how her dad killed himself.  I immediately knew something was up so I texted back, "Sure, but why does it matter?"  DS, "It just does."  Me, "That's a bad sign.  Is she mad? Don't worry, I'll never mention it."  I didn't get another text until two hours later.  DS, "Yes she's mad cuz not 2 long ago u text her and told her no 1 loves her and now dis hpn nd she don't want u 2 throw it in her face."  I couldn't text back to that, I called him.  I told him that I never told FDIL nobody loved her.  Why would I do that? How do I know who loves her.  Show me the text! So 20 minutes later I get the text.  This is what I wrote. My son was loved and would not say such things.  U cried when U said nobody loved u.  I wanted to love u but now i c y." 

I wrote that after receiving some VERY nasty text from her, calling me everything from a thief to a liar to a drunk.  Not to mention being told she won my son and I didn't have him anymore and that I would never see the grandchildren.  And yes I admit my text says that I understood why she was so hard to love, but it was FDIL and not me that said nobody loved her.  And when she said this she was a sad and pitiful sight.  She sat on my couch rocking in a ball of pain, just crying and whining, asking why nobody loved her, why did everybody throw her away.  She said her mother threw her away, her father threw her away.  Everyone she loved just threw her away.  This was said after she found out that DS had another girlfriend.  She said she told DS how everyone else in her life had hurt her and she asked him to please not hurt her.I held her and I comforted her and I let her cry.  I told her that she was loved and that the people that mistreated her were wrong.  I told her that DS wasn't worthy of her love and that she deserved to be loved better.  I was so upset to DS for hurting her like that.  This is when I went to DS and begged him to please let her go if he doesn't love her.  I told him it was wrong to hurt her and hold on to her if he didn't truly love her.

Anyway, I told DS to read the text.  I told him I didn't say nobody loved her, she did.  I reminded him that about the incident.  He remembered.

I told my DS that I loved him, but I could tell that this is not going to work.  She's just too filled with anger and I can't let her make me unhappy.  I said she's your future, not mind.   You should love her and she should love you, but we just aren't going to get along.  I told him that I'm his mother and I always will be and I will always love him, but not to worry I won't bug him very much. 

I later sent him what will be my last text on the subject.  I told him that I wanted him to remember that I was good to FDIL. And I listed some of the many things I did for her never asking or expecting anyting in return.  I told him that I tried really hard to be good to her and that I don't think I could have been any nicer.  I told him that I know that we are going to drift apart, but that I loved him and I wanted him to be happy.  I wrote that I wasn't mad at FDIL but that I felt sorry for her because she's a wounded, sad and angry girl.  I also said that if the worst thing she can say about me is I'm a drunk, a liar and thief than I feel pretty good about that, because we all know that's not true.  I just told him to be happy.

This doesn't end my relationship with my DS, it's just giving him his space to have his own life.  FDIL won't allow us to be close, but I'm okay with that as long as I know he's happy and that he loves me.

Donna's was the most wonderful son for many years of his life.  He changed when he entered middle school.  He was still just as sweet and loving on the outside, but he had some issues going on (stealing and lying).  When we moved to our new home in a different town and he had to do one more year of HS, the school staff would actually call me and thank me for allowing such a wonderful young man attend their school!  He was truly special on the outside.  But DS has his demons on the inside. I'm not saying he's a terrible person, but he has some serious personalities flaws.  He lies about things that it simply makes no sense to lie about.  And he's not good at it.  He's gotten caught in many lies and has lost mostly all of his friends.  He doesn't have any long term friendships.  Once people find him out they leave the friendship.  He talks badly about everyone.  He thinks he's impressing people when he's dishing the dirt, but many found this to be a very negative character flaw and they would tell the person who he had said negative things about, ie: his brother, his best friend, other friends.  He also made up stories to make himself seem more interesting.  He would tell lies to get sympathy especially to girls.  They felt sorry for him and well....you know.
Anyway, DS is not all that lovely.  Part of the reason FDIL disliked me instantly is because DS told her I was phony, controlling, nosey, and a border line incestuous pedophile.  I think I would have had some dislike toward my MIL if my DH had told me things like that as well.  So he's almost as much to blame.

Well, that's it for now.  I still feel good about me and DS. Not too concerned about FDIL at the moment.  Even in this time of grief she wants to still be angry. 

OMG, she just called me.  I didn't pick up.  I just called DS and asked if she wanted to be mean to me because I can't take it. I just want to enjoy this long weekend.  My heart is racing.  He said he'll call her right now.  She left a voicemail but I'm too afraid to listen to it.

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pam1

(((TheMuffin)))  I was afraid this would happen.  She sounds extremely angry and that anger has to go somewhere.  You handled this so well, I'm terribly impressed.

About your son, he reminds me of someone I know with borderline personality disorder.  I'm not a fan of labeling people but you might want to google it for more of an understanding.

Stay strong.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pooh

She is definateley looking to lash out at someone right now and you are an easy target for her.  Stay strong, you are doing the right thing.  She has to come to grips with her life right now and what has just happened. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

Muffin,

I'm going to share something with you. I got into a fight with a friend of mine and blogged about her in a really nasty way. I sent out quizzes on MySpace attacking her because of her political views. I was 24 at the time. Really immature and stupid. And I learned the hard way there are some things you just can't take back.

Her husband was killed two days later in a helicopter crash along with several of our other friends. I called her from a phone booth and told her how sorry I was for her loss. She was also pregnant at the time. I apologized for my behavior. It doesn't matter what she said to me in the fight, because at that time, no matter what she did to me, I hurt her. Even if I thought she hurt me more, it didn't matter. I was sorry for what I did, no matter what she did to me or what she was going through.

Naturally, she hung up on me. I gave her space. Lots of it. She eventually called me 8 months later before her baby was due and we both apologized about the fight, which had nothing to do with her husband.

She was already angry at me to begin with, and then, no matter the circumstances, angry with the world. I was a big part of the bad she saw in the world at that time.

If I had the security issues your FDIL has and confided in you at the time as someone I trusted, and then receive a text message like that...I think I would need a good long while to cool off. I would feel as if I confided in you and it was thrown in my face. I realize her 2 page text message was awful and instigated your response, but you put a spotlight on a feeling that she has to quell every single day. I think you would be one more person I couldn't trust for a little while. Not saying that whatever she did is right, but I'm just saying that pain is so heightened for her right now, and like it or not, you were a part of previous pain for her. I also think that given her grieving process, anger is totally expected. And, maybe, she doesn't need anyone to feel sorry for her. "Wounded, sad and angry" aren't what I want to hear about myself when I'm in turmoil. I want to hear that I'm a fighter and that I'm angry but it'll pass and that I'm strong and confident enough to beat this. I would think given the cirumstnaces, her life might depend on hearing that, and surrounding herself with positive people who can do that for her seems prudent.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I just think that right now, the loss of her father and the  mannger in which it happened  is a bigger problem than what is going on, or not going on between the two of you.

Pooh

I totally agree with Holly.  The nice text you sent her the other day was good, but I think at this point, initiating anymore contact will just anger her right now. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pooh

And let me add, that's not your fault, just circumstances right now.  You have been great in how you have been handling everything.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

themuffin

Hi Holly,

That was such a sad story.  So sorry it happened, but glad that you both were able to heal in the end. 

About DIL...for weeks I texted FDIL affirmations.  "You are beautiful", "You are loved" You are FABULOUS" etc.  every morning.  I brought her home gifts "just because".  I even allowed her to bore me to death while she gushed over shoes and dresses.  I even let her give me a lecture in my own home on snooping in my own home.  When DS was told that he and FDIL had to leave, I tried to contact FDIL because we were on good terms.  I wasn't throwing her intot he street.  Her family had just moved into a new home and she was supposed to go with them anyway.  She had decided she would rather stay just a week earlier.  We agreed and she was to pay $20. I was going to tell her why she would need to go home as previously planned and that I was sorry.  She rejected all my calls, later learned DS told her to.  She's not the type that listens to DS.  She wears the pants.  The very next day she was ten shades of nasty.  Called me and harassed me at work no less.  My comment wasn't any more or less nurturing than the trash being thrown at me.  She didn't confide in me.  We weren't haven't a heart to heart in that sense.  We weren't exchanging secrets and I betrayed her confidence.  Still, I see where you are coming from.  However, I think it says a lot about her that she would disregard all of the many, loving, giving postive things I did and latch onto one thing that wasn't loving.

DS just called and said it was safe to listen to the message.  Why don't I trust it?


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pam1

TheMuffin, I think when people are so chronically angry like that, they often take out their anger on safe people.  Sounds backwards but think about it, she has no real fear of you so it's safer to unload anger on you.  To get that angry in life she must have been in very scary situations with scary people in some form or fashion.  She's progressed from a victim to a bully, she learned that from somewhere.  Bullies pick on safer people, they don't pick on people their own size.  KWIM?

You're a safe and kind person, an easy target for her.

It's sad and especially tragic at a time like this but I think a person with those type of unresolved issues cannot really be helped until they are willing.  She's not willing right now.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

themuffin

ummmm....gosh.  I've got tears in my eyes.  I listened to the message.  She made me want to hug her and tell her how sorry I was that we are at odds.  In her grief she called and left a message asking me to please not stop talking to me my son. Saying it was a misunderstanding and she was angry.  But just pleading that I not take it out of DS.  Her tone was so caring, she must truly love DS.  I tried to call her and just say thank you and I was going to say so sorry for everything, but my number is restricted on her phone.  Her's is restricted on mine as well.  I could call her from my job phone, but I'm scared of leaping too much on her too soon.

I'm so touched by her message.  I was so angry with her yesterday, and today I just want to hug and try to make this all work.

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Pen

What a roller coaster for you, TM. Please take care of yourself. You are wise to be concerned about not rushing in.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

themuffin

Quote from: Pen on May 27, 2011, 08:04:33 AM
What a roller coaster for you, TM. Please take care of yourself. You are wise to be concerned about not rushing in.

Sorry, off topic -"TM" Trade Mark, lol.  ;D Okay, back to topic.  I sent FDIL text message which isn't rejected by her phone.  This is what I wrote:
U made me cry...in a good way. Don't worry urself about me and "DS". We will be fine. At a time like this you need to take care of u. I appreciate your message so much.  I have behaved badly and I am sorry."

what do you guys think?

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Pooh

I think that's excellent!  Way to go trade mark!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

themuffin

LOL Pooh.

Thanks for the feedback.  Well, me being me, just had to call using my office phone.  It's not blocked.  She answered and I told her that I just wanted to tell her thank you and that it meant so much to me and really touched my heart.  I said I really, really appreciated it and that I was so sorry for everything.  She said you're welcome and she thanked me and that was it.

I feel good about it.

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Tara

Muffin,

I wrote a long message to you and in the meantime many were posted that i agree with.  Holly's points are very well taken.
I encourage you to stay out of the middle of any of the pain, suffering and drama right now and try to be neutral loving MIL/M
to ds and dil  keeping the focus off you as much as possible.  I also agree with Pams statements. 

Is it possible to get a crisis intervention session with a therapist? 




Tara

oops, I meant to say:  stay out of the middle of ALL the pain, suffering and drama.