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OMG

Started by themuffin, May 25, 2011, 06:28:48 AM

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themuffin

Thanks Tara, that was a good website.  I hope FDIL and family are coping right now.  I imagine they are still in the shock/denial stage.  It just doesn't seem real. At least not to me.  I have no way of knowing what they are feeling.

Just as ADIL was kind enough to share, )))))thank you ADIL(((((( my FDIL told me that she also had suicidal thoughts in the past.  I hope she's able to work this out.  She can be very mean and nasty, but underneath that is a sad, wounded girl.  Yes, she's not always nice, but there is a history that led her down that path.  She has been taught from her bad experiences that adults are not to be trusted.  This would include her very own mother and father (rest his soul).  I knew that she had parent issues.  I had hoped to persuade her that some parents were good.  But it seems that she influenced DS to her way of thinking. 

She's suffering now and I hope that someone is giving her love and support.  I don't know if she can get it from mom, since mom must be suffering too.

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themuffin

Quote from: elsieshaye on May 25, 2011, 09:57:33 AM
Quote from: themuffin on May 25, 2011, 09:15:20 AMAnd even if she doesn't feel it's her fault that he did it, she still has to live with knowing that her last words to him were cruel and hateful.  She can never change that. 

Please be careful to never, ever say this to her.  She may very well not feel that her words were cruel and hateful, depending on what her past experiences with him were.  My father and I had some serious, vicious blowouts, and we both gave as good as we got.  My father saw any kind of softness or restraint as a weakness to be exploited, and only respected me when I used a sledgehammer.  He was not hurt by a single thing I said, even though most other people would have been.  Has she ever said to you or DS that she feels what she said was cruel and hurtful, or is this your assessment?  Either way, let this thought go, and just focus on being a soft, nonjudgemental place for both of them to land.

Oh Dear NO!!! I would never, say or imply EVER that her words were cruel and hurtful. If ever given the opportunity to talk to her about this I would allow her to do the talking.  I would reassure her that it was his choice and not her fault.  If she did mention that she said cruel things, I would further reassure her that she wasn't at fault and that many children sometimes say mean things to their parents.  I would tell her that I know he knew she loved him because even I knew she loved him. 

DS told me this morning that she feels personally responsible because of the things she said.  She feels that she pushed him over the edge.  I wish I was just assuming.  That is why my heart hurts so badly for her.

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Donna

OMG - this is not too difficult for the forum, this is you muffin, and you have just received two things, a devastating piece of news, and a son who wishes to repair a relationship that has been estranged.

Suicide is devastating to the many people left behind.  Now is a time for you to embrace your DIL and if it is in the way to make her heal and the conversation allows for it assure her it is not her fault, nor any other persons.  I think it important to include the other persons, as it gives a broader perspective and does not single her out.  However, this is a bit down the road, right now they are just reeling in pain.    This is a cruel blow to her, and not a fair one.  Somehow, wise women even tho they have endured such pain, know they have to lay their pain down, step aside from it, and become the individual that will mend these two together your DS and your DDL. 

Perhaps now "the muffin" you will also find out more of the why of his estrangement, perhaps he has in his own way been confused, embarrassed and saddened by this relationship and has not wanted you tainted by it.  We never know what is happening in the minds of others.

You have my thoughts, my prayers, and I am so happy Tara posted the stages of Grief. 

Please keep us knowing where you are in your feelings and thoughts, as I feel I want to be there for you.  I hope you get to give you son a hug soon as what he said to you this am was a huge over the phone hug, it basically is, Mom I love you, and I want this right, I don't know where things can go, but I want things right and for this not to happen with us.  You are blessed, he does have a heart, a beautiful heart just waiting for you.       Hugs to you....


themuffin

Ahhh, Donna that's just what I heard too.  I heard "I love you, mom."  I also thought just what you wrote, he does have a heart.  I was truly in doubt. 

This day is dragging by and I've done almost nothing at work.  I am anxious and scared to get home tonight.  Yes, I will hug DS.  I know FDIL will not be there, but if she did come and if she allowed, I would hug her too.  I would even apologize for any misunderstandings and tell her that as always, I want whoever my DS loves to be a part of my family too.  I want her to know that we will support her any way we can. But I also know that that both of us are going to have issues with sincerity.  For a while she pretended to like me, and perhaps I pretended to like her.  Or maybe we really did like each other, but allowed ourselves to forget when things got rocky.  We are going to be confused, but I'm willing to try.

Maybe DS and I can communicate again and find out what tore us apart. But I have a feeling that there really isn't a real reason.  One of those things that don't make sense. Perhaps we can both agree on that.

Thanks Donna,  You are a gift to this site.

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Donna

I am so happy you are looking forward to hugging DS.  If and when DDIL is there, maybe just let her talk first, and you listen.  A new beginning with listening and understanding where she is at under all of the confusion that will be coming her way is probably a wise way to go.  Be there support her, but listen.  As she talks she will be setting herself the parameters of your future relationship, as you can respond accordingly.  If she reaches out and wants your love and care, as she probably will, be there, but i would have her reach out. 

I think what I am saying is that under the circumstance of what happened, it's a big big lesson, and there is no sense to apologize or go over old wounds, as the suicide becomes part of that.  My thoughts would be to listen and move forward in a manner that reflects what you want and how you want.

This becomes a new chapter, there are so many dynamics involved around a suicide, it's just best you listen, and follow what your heart and your son's heart speaks of. 

With suicide and the many steps of grief, there is also the stage of anger and this is the stage I worry about with the DIL, as there will be someone she will have to lash out at, and I am praying it is not you.  So by saying little and listening lots, you are less of a target, or so I am hoping.  Just be re-assuring, and open. 

Oh my muffin she is going to have so much to get off her shoulders, I hope you have a big big bag to put it all in, and then you can tuck it away safe in some corner and prayerfully forget it's there offering sunshine only in your lives.

Day by day.......this is a whole new journey for you.......let us keep you strong, and hopefully let us guide you wisely, for this is truly a most difficult path ... kind of reminds me of years ago when we would have autograph books.   "Life is like a path of freshly fallen snow, be careful how you tread it for every step will show"...... 

I send you strength, courage, and faith along with tons of hugs.   

themuffin

Donna, thank you for your wise words and support. ow o We arrived home about 7 pm and I called DS to let him know.  He said he didn't think he could make it tonight.  He said that FDIL hasn't arrived home yet (still notifying family) and that when she returned they were going to tell the youngest son.  I asked and he said he was okay.  I knew this was draining him. I told him I loved him and that I was here when he needed me.  He said "I love you, momma".

I worked a bit in the garden and prayed that that family was somehow holding it together. 

You are so right about just leaving the past alone and starting a fresh chapter. I don't blame to discuss what happened or how he treated me and how much it hurt me.  I hope that when it is right that we can just communicate about what we want and need from each other in the future.  For me it would be consideration, appreciation, love and respect, but not necessarily in that order.  I suppose he would want the same as well as his space and me staying out of his personal life no matter how wrong I may think his actions.

I don't know how this experience will affect FDIL. It may just taint her even more against allowing herself to trust the adults in her life.  I would hope that it force her to reevaluate the value of life and what is important, as it seems son is doing. But she's been thru so much today, I can't imagine that she's thinking much about mending our relationship at this time at all.  Perhaps with time I will be able to hug her and once again try to let her know that I would love who ever he loves.

Thanks again Donna.  Your support and that of the other Wise Women on this forum has sustained me thru this terrible day.

Feeling the hugs

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Rose799

Quote from: themuffin on May 25, 2011, 06:10:32 PM
Feeling the hugs

Here's mine, (((((Muffin))))) & when you have the opportunity, give fdil a collective hug on our behalf.  Hopefully, she, too, can feel the love.   

You're all in my thoughts, Muffin~

themuffin

Hugging you back, Rose.  :)

As soon as I hit the post button the door bell rang.  It was DS.  We hugged each other long and hard. It felt sincere.  His dad and brother were at the gym so it was just me and him.  OS came down, but he still doesn't want to forgive. He didn't say a word.  And yes, he knows what happened.

Anyway, he was alone and I was a bit relieved.  It may have been a little too much emotion if FDIL had been there.  DS and I held hands as we talked.  We talked a bit about what happened and how the family was doing.  We talked about us.  He said that this scared him and that he didn't want to think of anything happening to either of us and we weren't on good terms.  He said that he needs for me and FDIL to get along because we are the two most important people in his life.  He said that he's going to talk to her and hope that she's willing to have a relationship.  He admitted that he knows she has her issues, and that she takes the smallest things over the top.  This is how she is, he says and he needs me to understand this about her and be accepting and patient of it.  He also said that it was her that said that he should call me.  I asked him if that was the only reason why he called me and he said, No, he was going to, but she also said he should.

I told DS that he knows I was good to her the entire time she was here and we were getting along until the incident where I told him he had to leave.  He agreed that I did treat her well, but she was hurt and she lashes out when she's hurt.  I told him that she called the first names when she called me a liar and a thief. He said he knows I don't lie and steal and that she was wrong, but again she was hurt.

I told son how hurt I was that he angrily threw me away like I was trash. That he looked at me and spoke to me without any love in his heart. He said he was sorry and that he handled that wrong. He said that he should not have taken sides, but at the time all he could think was that she was his future and he had to protect that.  He apologized several times. 

I told him that I was willing to leave the past in the past and that if she was willing I would like for us all to try to have a relationship again.  I reminded him that I would love whoever he loves and that all I want is for him to be happy. If she wants that too, than I don't see why we have any problems. He agreed.  He said he just wants for us to get along, he wants his family to be whole. He said he wants to be able to come by with the grandchildren and have BBQs, and sometimes leave them over when he and FDIL want to go out.  He said he wants them to have a grandmother.

So tonight we took our first steps.  We hugged again before he left.  I asked him to tell FDIL and family how sorry I was.  I told him to call if there was anything I could do.  And with that my DS got  into his car and drove away.

Oh, and he didn't ask to come home, or for any money.  He didn't even want anything to eat or drink.  He said he's got another job, currently works 80 hours a week so that he can provide the things he and FDIL needs.  I don't like that he seems to running on empty, but he's determined. He said that he and FDIL are thinking of buying a home and they each need a car. Oh and he got his first tattoo, "I am what I am" on his  inner arm. This was something dad and I were against, but we knew when he was of age he would do what he wants.  It doesn't look too bad.  I guess we all are what we are.

Hugs and love

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Donna

"the muffin"  I am glad you are at this point in today....and that you have spoken with DS and both of you said those most important words, I love you


I pray you sleep well tonight.  Nothing can be done about what has happened, it is set - done; no sense getting in a tither about the future, don't know what it's going to be - so enjoy the moment the words with DS and go to sleep hearing him say, "I love you, Momma."

Day by day.

Donna

To "the muffin"   First Steps - wow wow wow - those were giant leaps and bounds girl.  I am so thrilled for you, and you got so many answers.  FDIL will be okay in the future, it is so good to hear that she asked him to call, she validates her true feelings for you, and he also validates to you how she reacts, so in the future, with what he told you, things will change, he has brought about awareness. 

I am so glad you said, you will leave the past in the past, that was so wonderful and loving of you.

I can relate very well to his tatoo - I am what I am - be cool with it, it's his body, his decision.  Not something I would do to my body, but today it is a different world.

I am so over the moon for you, just so over the moon.  I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see that hug you two had.  OS will come around - let things rest there, let him choose his time.  DS has just grown up in leaps and bounds. 

Wow, talking about barbques, you babysitting, you deserve every little bit, and here is one more hug for the road.

I am so very very happy for you "themuffin" also in realizing this is born from a very sad event - but in all clouds there is some kind of silver lining. 

DS has truly made some great strides, and part of this was you're telling them to leave, as difficult as it has been it was probably the most loving thing you did for him, as his perspective on life has changed dramatically.

Feel that warmth, you are but blessed.

Rose799

Thanks for sharing, Muffin.   It sounds like that boy you were once so close to is working hard on becoming a man.  He loves you, Muffin, & he loves fdil.  If not, he wouldn't be putting in those 80 hours...  I truly hope things come together for you all.

Tara

Muffin,

Glad you and you son have broken the ice and begun to reconnect.

blessings

Tara

Donna,

I like that quote on a recent post:  "Happiness is a form of Courage"

Donna

Thank you Tara - love your religion - kindness.....it is the best, and this is a good day for "the muffin".  Glad you like the quote, no idea where it came from, but I truly like it.  Thank you.

Rose799

Quote from: Donna on May 25, 2011, 11:33:37 AM
"Life is like a path of freshly fallen snow, be careful how you tread it for every step will show"...... 

I like this quote...so true~