OMG

[pam1]

Give him a hug and just be mom, TM.  There's no right way for anyone to react right now.  One moment at a time, try not to think too far ahead in the future.  Take care of yourself, remember that. 

[themuffin]

Thanks Pam.  You're right.  One moment at a time. Everything will fall into place.  BTW, what is "TM".  My mind is just shot right now.

[AnonymousDIL]

Unfortunately, sometimes complete and utter hopelessness just swallows us up and we are incapable of thinking how it may affect the family members that would be left behind. All that can be seen is the despair that we are in. While, I do believe it is a cowardly thing to do, I completely understand it 100%. I have personally struggled in this area (and sometimes still do struggle). When you have that level of despair all you want is for it to end. It very seldom has anything to do with anyone else. Sometimes the thought is "if I just end it all, I won't have to deal with XXX." It isn't about sending a message or hurting anyone left behind, it is pure selfishness.

I hope that your FDIL will see that it is not in any way her fault. 

TM =  The Muffin ;-)

[Pooh]

You did support her by sending that text.  Don't read too much into her not answering right now, I'm sure she doesn't know which way to turn.  You sent it and now it is up to her...that is being supportive.  Like pam said, just be there for DS right now and be patient during your meeting.

[elsieshaye]

My best thoughts are with all of you, Muffin.

[pam1]

Thanks Pam.  You're right.  One moment at a time. Everything will fall into place.  BTW, what is "TM".  My mind is just shot right now.

TM is short for "TheMuffin" 

((((TheMuffin))))

[overwhelmed123]

Thoughts and prayers going out to your FDIL and her family- along with your DS.  Hang in there.  So sorry this happened.

[Pen]

TheMuffin, we're with you as you and your family go through this very difficult time. Please take care of yourself as best you can. {{{hugs}}}

[themuffin]

Thank you OW and Pen.  I'm so glad to have all of you.  You have no idea how this site has saved me during all of this.  I feel like I have a bunch of sisters looking out for me. I adore all of you.

"TM" = themuffin, I would have never figured that out. Dang my mind is a mess!  I was thinking "tender momemt."

[themuffin]

Thank you Elsieshaye.  I appreciate all thoughts and prayers.  I finally stopped shaking. This just doesn't seem real.  And yesterday was such a happy day.  My GM just turned 91.  Cousins I haven't seen in a while came out to celebrate.  GM is AMAZING! She still works as a foster grandparent at the PAL (police athletic league).  She's got all her wits about her and gets around great.  She even danced yesterday.  We were sooo happy...and today....this

[Keys Girl]

themuffin, remember to take care of yourself, you'll probably be on an emotional roller coaster (as will everyone else) for some time.  A friend of mine committed suicide and there is usually a lot of guilty on the part of the family and friends, who think they should have seen it and stopped it but there is nothing that can be done to prevent it.  It usually means the person has reached the limits of suffering that they can handle and need to stop it one way or another.

I would caution you as well, to keep your expectations low, as everyone's emotions will boomerang all over the place.  Just be a rock of quiet and unconditional support for everyone and see where the chips fall.

[luise.volta]

Thinking of you and sending love...

[themuffin]

Thank you so much Luise,
I'm crying again, but this site is like therapy for my soul.  I don't know how to thank you for creating it.  You are one of my heros.

So sorry about your friend Keys Girl.     Suicide is difficult to deal with even when you and the deceased on the best of terms.  However, I can't even imagine how one feels if they were fighting and said cruel, hurtful things to the person who committs suicide and believes the act was a result of their actions.  Can you ever recover from the guilt of thinking perhaps your words put  that person over the edge?  Believe me, I'm not saying it was anyone's fault.  I wish I could take that guilt away from FDIL.  I just know that FDIL can be very vicious with words, (I've heard her speak to dad while angry a few times) and I know she must be feeling ten kinds of terrible right now.  And even if she doesn't feel it's her fault that he did it, she still has to live with knowing that her last words to him were cruel and hateful.  She can never change that.  I think I must have cared for FDIL more than I ever realized because I can't stop hurting for her.

I don't have any expectations regarding DS and FDIL and our relationship.  I just want to be there for them now and deal with this.  The other stuff will fall into place later.  It's just not important now.  What is important is that DS reached out to me.  That he doesn't want to be the one with the regrets he sees FDIL having.  Also, that he called me almost immediately.  We, his family, wasn't an after thought. He didn't waste any time in reaching out to us and saying he wanted to make things right.  That's a big first step. We'll just take baby steps from there.

Thanks everyone. 

[Tara]

Dear Muffin,

I'm so sorry about this tragedy.  We are your sisters and here for you.

Its very sad...for everyone involved...even the dad.  I wanted to mention the stages
of grief in case you weren't aware of them;

The five stages of grief:

Denial: "this  can't be happening to me."

Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"

Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."

Depression: "I'm too sad to do anything."

Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what happened."


also Muffin, here is a good/short piece about grief after suicide, it looks excellent.

http://www.buddhanet.net/r_suicid.htm

You and your family are in my prayers.

[elsieshaye]

And even if she doesn't feel it's her fault that he did it, she still has to live with knowing that her last words to him were cruel and hateful.  She can never change that. 

Please be careful to never, ever say this to her.  She may very well not feel that her words were cruel and hateful, depending on what her past experiences with him were.  My father and I had some serious, vicious blowouts, and we both gave as good as we got.  My father saw any kind of softness or restraint as a weakness to be exploited, and only respected me when I used a sledgehammer.  He was not hurt by a single thing I said, even though most other people would have been.  Has she ever said to you or DS that she feels what she said was cruel and hurtful, or is this your assessment?  Either way, let this thought go, and just focus on being a soft, nonjudgemental place for both of them to land.