MIL coming...

[AnonymousDIL]

Pooh,

I also don't like houseguests. I don't really know why. Just don't like them lol... When there are people in my ouse who don't "belong" there, I have a horrible time sleeping. Always been that way. Growing up, we had an overnight guest once, and then once when we were in college (That doesn't count the times that my grandmother had to come stay with us and booted me out of my room though.)... So, it wouldn't matter MIL, DM, or Jesus Himself! I wouldn't want them to spend the night lol (But Jesus would have the best chance of staying lol)

[LaurieS]

I took the liberty of pulling some statements from your postings under this topic. As a outsider, is what I heard you say:

"When they arrive my parents will have been gone less than 48 hrs, I be recovered fairly well from the c-section and new baby will be 3 wks old"

"They WANT to drive so they can have their car to go "do things".  I told my DH to pay for their tickets so we could control their stay (plus 6 hrs on a plane seems btr than 4 days 7 hrs each in a car) but they want to do what they want to do."

"Frankly, I have NO relationship with my MIL.  So at this most vulnerable time for me and my family, she is NOT someone I would choose to have around."

"MIL is so concerned for me and loves me so that she spoke to my DH asked to speak to our DD (for the 4th or 5th time this year) who said she was busy but didn't speak to me at all.  Gee, I feel the love & concern."

"I can see how my DH is kind to put up with my parents while I complain about the ILs.  When DD was born all MIL never did anything – just added to tension/stress of 1st time parent & made statements like "I've never seen a bellybutton that looked like that,"

"My parents came for 5 days while they stayed 3 wks.  While my parents were here they made multiple meals to refrigerate/freeze."

I have to agree that these views are not solely based on the arrival of a new baby.... while the baby does amplify the conditions I think it's obvious that there is simply no desire to really have these people in your life or in your home.  Of course if DH were to feel the same way then so many things would be simplified. 

I may be reading more into your postings then what you are trying to say.  Your relationships with family does appear to be lopsided and only filled with negative feelings concerning his family (as I searched for one positive example to no avail).. could this be what your dh was eluding to when he spoke about negative views?  While I hope the visit goes smoothly, I can't help but feel that this visit is doomed from the start. Once again I say that if you and your husband can not get on the same page concerning visits etc, I don't see how you can hold his relatives responsible for your lack of agreement.

The simple fact is you can pull the "It's your house...your call",  you will be backed and viewed by many as being ABSOLUTELY within your rights.  I guess the real issue is... do you want to be within your rights or do you want a life that included your husband's family.

My mother is not the easiest person to have come visit and while she does some things that could irritate a gnat my dh has never made me feel like she was not welcomed in our home.  Maybe dil's like myself are incredibly lucky as I don't think I had ever found that many negative pet peeves. 

I just don't see where the in-laws in this case can be on the winning side of any coin toss... they bring their own car so they can leave and give you time, yet you'd rather they be there without a vehicle so you can have an absolute time for their departure.  Yet if they are underfoot 24/7 they are going to be irritating pest because they are always there, thus giving you no privacy.  Meanwhile your own parents extended their visit and it was viewed as a blessing.... While I'm sure your parents were wonderful and very helpful, I have found that it was unfair to expect both sets of our parents to perform equally.   

[pam1]

Pooh, for me it's yes and no.  I can't relax with most visitors and anything over 3 days would send me over the cuckoo's nest lol.

But my MIL is not well and has behavior that others find hard to tolerate.  Most of the time you're playing defense with her and one of the few times I wouldn't be willing to play is when a baby is born.  I realize though that many and most MILs are not like mine.

However, I do think the good of the household is what should rule after a baby is born.  Having MIL stay open-ended at ST's house while DH is at work?  Doesn't sound like even in the best of IL relationships that it would be pleasant lol.

[Pooh]

Once again I say that if you and your husband can not get on the same page concerning visits etc, I don't see how you can hold his relatives responsible for your lack of agreement.

I agree with Laurie on this.  I can definately see where if DH and I were in disagreement on who could visit and when, it would be something we would need to work out before we even considered anything else. 

[Pen]

As a current MIL, I am not liked or valued by my DIL. We've never been invited to their home, and I'm sure we would not be invited to stay if/when GC arrive. DH & I are as important to DS as DIL's FOO is to her, but DS is kind enough to put up with his ILs while DIL is not.

Same situation here.  DIL won't let us visit her home while she is there.  If DS were to invite us, she would find an excuse to leave town.

I would never have complained about my MIL, or about receiving company when my children were babies.  I don't understand DILs who do.

Welcome, Seasons! I'm sorry you are going through this stuff, but I'm glad you found this site.

My MIL, whom I'd never met because she lived quite far from us, showed up on short notice with her daughter and her daughter's friend, both of whom I'd never met either. Our new baby was days old. How sweet, joyous, emotional, & heartwarming it was to see MIL holding her GC for the first time! I'm so glad I didn't pull the "my house, my rules" card (it never would have occurred to me.) I let them be, and they had a special bond until MIL passed away. It also helped me feel like I was part of DH's family, which I wanted to be. If a DIL doesn't want to be part of her DH's family I suppose bonding wouldn't be of interest to her. Choose your ILs very carefully, single women! LOL. I just happened to totally luck out, whew.

[holliberri]

Pen,

Did your MIL stay for weeks? I have no problem with people stopping by, or staying a few days, but I don't think I'm hindering a bond from forming between a GP and a GK by saying "please get a hotel" or "stay for 3 days." Matter of  fact, once we have two children, my ILs wont' have a choice but to stay in a hotel until we move again. Will that go over well? Nope. Am I hurting their bonding time with their GKs? Not really. We'll still have the whole day together, less the hours we'll be sleeping. Just because there are some things I can't accommodate doesn't mean that I'm interfering with bonding. I have no doubts that DD already knows MIL is someone special, I can tell by the look on her face. 

[Pen]

Oh no, Holly. I was addressing Season's post about no visits allowed at all.

Read my earlier post about houseguests so soon after L & D...and my addendum, LOL.

[holliberri]

LOL, okay. No, I don't think no houseguests at all is very fair. I am really hoping Seasons comes back to add some more explanation to what she wrote.

[holliberri]

I did read those earlier to be honest, that is why I asked. I didn't see the difference, but I see it now. Im' sorry.

[LaurieS]

I do believe that ST is not paying any attention to any of this... wasn't she scheduled for her c-section today?

[holliberri]

Yes, that is a good excuse right?

[AnonymousDIL]

Does that make this the waiting room?

[holliberri]

Good one!

Actually, she has plenty of time to hash a visit out...3 weeks before hand and an automobile make for lots of flexibility. I'd gladly research hot spots to visit for her if both she anthinks the ILs would be up for it. I am thinking of a getaway myself...might as well do some research on a new possible spot.

[seasons]

LOL, okay. No, I don't think no houseguests at all is very fair. I am really hoping Seasons comes back to add some more explanation to what she wrote.

****  It's my house.  Stress of a new baby.  MIL has said bad things about DD.  Don't want them here, when are they leaving, they aren't ....  ****   My head is aching from trying to read all that fine print about what the in-laws do and have done.

My attitude is just bring the kid in the house, strap him across your belly or your back, shovel out the fireplace, start the fire, hang the iron pot over the coals, and go back to work.  Folks, this isn't rocket science.  Just a darling new child for everyone to love.

With my first child, had no one to help me at home, but had a house full of builders who were ripping down ceilings.  It worked out just fine.  Second child, I was standing over the xerox machine at work when the water broke, had just enough time to drive myself to the hospital.  Kid arrived 17 minutes after I got there.  The next day I had a phone installed in my room at the hospital and worked from there.  I kept working, and it worked out just fine.

Kids are resilient.  All they need is a dry diaper and lots of love, lots of laughs, lots of being read to.  With that, they turn out just fine. 

But you know what?  I'm so very sorry for ST because she can't let her MIL become a member of her tribe.  And because I hear tension in her relationship with her DH when his parents are discussed.  It would be so much better if ST could just hand the child to her MIL, let MIL hold the kid, love her/him, talk and sing to her/him.  And while all this is happening, ST should take a well-deserved nap.  The dishes can wait, dinner can wait.  But the love and laughter and song need to go on.

Holly, have I said 'nuf yet? 

[holliberri]

I do appreciate your explanation. You said you didn't understand DILs that don't allow visitors to stay when a new baby comes. I am one of those DILs. Perhaps, you can read my story a little bit, and others, to understand just where we're coming from. Not all of us bar our ILs from coming to visit permanently, but sometimes we do need some space at times of upheaval. It doesn't have much to do with a child being resilient...it has to do with me being comfortable and trying to figure out the new mom thing on my own two feet.

I wanted time and space to figure out my family on my own...it wasn't anything personal. This ride is only coming around once for me, and gosh, I wanted to do it all or die trying. There was plenty of time for bonding when we traveled 7 hours in one direction with a 1 month old to see our ILs. I'd never deny my child the love of another human being.

I was waiting for you to explain yourself before I explained myself. I really do try to understand where my MIL is coming from. I try to meet her halfway; it is not the end of the world or the denial of a relationship to expect her to limit her visit or stay in a hotel. I wish she would show me some of the same in return.