MIL coming...

[Pen]

Anyway, what I wanted to ask is what would get you to the closer relationship with your DIL?  I tried calling regularly in attempt to talk but am always inundated with info about SILs kids or family gossip (stuff that would anger me if I were the topic).  I send MIL all the same photos that my FOO receives.  I am at a loss at where to go from here.  When my MIL "concentrates" on our DD while she will be talking about SILs kids.  We live 2000 miles away from all ILs so DD sees these cousins (who are 5-10 yrs older than her) maybe once a year.  We don't really talk to them nor they to us (DH is somewhat at odds with his DS). 
I appreciate everyones input it gives me a lot to think about.   But for now, I am going to concentrate on the baby & DH & DD and what every else will be, will be.

ST, I don't know. I think my DIL kind of set us back by saying we'd done nothing wrong, but she hated us anyway. It makes it awkward to call her or want to communicate with her even though she's been willing to join DS on an occasional visit since then. She's very busy; I may be wrong, but I feel the last thing she wants to spend her precious free time on is a text or call from her MIL. Sometimes I wish I had done something I could apologize for or fix so we could move on. The reason we don't call or drop in on them with short notice is because we've been trying to not be buttinsky ILs. I'd love to communicate more or feel free to call when I'm in the 'hood, but DIL has made it clear she doesn't want us around. It's odd, because she says we don't call often as if that's an excuse for her to encourage DS to favor her FOO. But if I were to call/visit as often as her FOO does (at least daily) she'd hate me even more! I patiently wait for DS to contact me, which he does when she's not around.

DS has questioned why we don't call him when we're in the vicinity & I've told him we know he & DIL have busy lives; I haven't mentioned still feeling uncomfortable from the DIL shunning episode. I so cherish those spontaneous times when a visit works out, but I doubt DIL will be inviting us over anytime soon.

[lancaster lady]

Pen .....:.I don't know how you tolerate your situation. How can you be civil to someone who said they hated you .......?         
I would find it very hard.I  would have to tell my DS how I felt ,he must wonder why you don't call when  nearby,even though your DIL doesn't want to see you I'm sure he does .If you keep away doesn't that mean you're giving  into her silly demands ,when you've done nothing wrong ?

[holliberri]

ST,

I think your MIL will make comparisons (however wrong) b/c that is what GPs have wanted to do. My MIL doesn't really want us adopting b/c she said the point of GPs is to take pride in who they look like most or where they get their traits from. While I think she's totally wrong...I understand that premise for a normal GP. You can't help but be excited when you see that a GK has someone's nose, or waves their hand like so-and-so used to do, or when you see the similar stuff between your GK. My DD points at everything (so does every other child at her daycare) but the ILs say "Oh, she gets that from us, GS does that too!" Are they wrong? Uh-huh. Does it matter? Nope. They even call my DD a ginger. If you saw my facebook, my DD is a blonde. But, they choose to see what they want...I can't help that or change it. I just can silently disagree and chuckle lightly when someone says, "Oh your DD has some blonde locks!" If I let it get to me (or keep letting it get to me), I'm certain that it won't change and I will go bonkers.

Plus, I think I've said this before, my ILs live far away from both of their sons. So, when they see something similar in both GKs they jump on it to talk about. I don't know my nephew...I've met him twice. I don't really care about all the wonderful things he is doing either. BUT, my MIL does. Her chatting about that with me is probably a way of keeping her family together somehow. It can't possibly feel very together for her with us all located so far away.  It's not really about me or my feelings, it's about her, and that is okay too.

Good luck with the baby! You'll be fine no matter what comes!

[SassyDI]

You need to have a time frame and set into place for both parents.  Tell them we can only have you in our home for x amount of time.  I can only imagine how annoying it would be to have house guest who are not helping you.  To me thats kind of the point you coming to help.  If they are not helpful they can get a hotel room and visit for a few hours each day. 

FIL and his wife never offered a thing of help the day DD came home.  My mom was in the house cleaning the day we came home from the hospital and they didn't offere a single thing.(sat there holding DD then left as my mom cleaned up the house)  Then left and let her daughter start something.  So yeah for me ILs with newborn not so much of a good experience. 

I myself am glad they don't live far away from us.  While my mother and father would be very helpful not having my house to myself would drive me nuts.  I learned that the hard way.

My friend came in from the army he refused to stay with his parents and was going to get a hotel.  Who lets a serivce man get a hotel I felt I could not.  It was Christmas time he was suppose to leave to go up north for Christmas but plans got cancalled.  He thought he was going to spend Christmas with my family that wasn't going to happen.  He came sat on my couch and did nothing.  Never even offering to clean up after I cooked him a meal left dishes.  And just plain tried to take over my tv.  My condo is not big(It wasn't so bad when I lived in my 2400 sq ft house) and it made me want to rip my hair out.  He was always in my way.  And stayed in my house for four days and  never showered so gross.  So needless to say yep I don't do well with house guests.  I like my space.

You and DH need to get on the same page.

[holliberri]

SassyDI,

That was nice of you to do that. I'm sorry he didn't appreciate it. Depending on how long he was deployed and to where, it might have been a bit of a culture shock for him to start showering everyday. I used to have to send my brother dryer sheets so he could put them in his sleeves and pant legs to "freshen up." Some days down range he would go 3 weeks before he had enough water for bathing. He said when he came home, he felt guilty for free use of water at first. But, SIL basically hog-tied him and he spent 2 hours in the bath tub one night and got over it. LOL.

I just asked my DH about this. He said, "If I am lucky enough to do it over again, no in-home visitors for the first month." I reminded him that we didn't have any in-home visitors. He said, "With how stressed out we were, (I didn't think we were, LOL) I think house guests of any sort would be too much. I didn't realize it then, but I relaize it now."

Ahem, I need a cold drink now. He must want something.

[pam1]

Holly, did he mean no visitors at all to your home?  lol about wanting something.

If we are lucky enough for it to happen our visitation hours will be really brief for the first month or so and then we would have a welcome baby party when we felt ready.  I can't get behind the idea that a set plan needs to happen b/c as I learned with DD, can't plan anything when a baby decides to show up.  I also learned that I didn't really need much help, IME people who wanted to "help" thought it was helping to hold the baby and feed her lol. 

I also can't get behind the everyone is equal mindframe.  My MIL makes my FOO nervous, the last time they saw her she talked the entire time about a person who died over 30 years ago and how her mourning was going.  This is not an unusual occurrence with her, she's the "bride at every wedding, corpse at every funeral" type of person.  IMO, I think it would be foolish to try to rack our brains and wrap ourselves up in pretzels trying to accomodate her at that time.

Sometimes there is just plain old consequences to behavior.  My FOO doesn't have those issues, respect space and boundaries, stays in a hotel...etc.  MIL does not and last I saw she was still talking about death when babies are born.

[holliberri]

He meant people staying with us. He said he was okay with people staying in a hotel...he also said he didn't want them over all day. Amazing that he says this now. If it winds up that our second child comes via adoption, he already said his parents probably aren't going to be interested in a visit anyhow...so I don't know that I have that to worry about anymore. I have some other issues to worry about, apparently, lol. Gosh, I hope he isn't right about his parents disinterest in an adopted child. I hope that is just temporary until the child actually comes home. I relaly don't want to have to think about consequences myself.

[pam1]

I hope they are accepting of the child but I would guess DH knows best.  That's really sad, Holly. 

[seasons]

As a current MIL, I am not liked or valued by my DIL. We've never been invited to their home, and I'm sure we would not be invited to stay if/when GC arrive. DH & I are as important to DS as DIL's FOO is to her, but DS is kind enough to put up with his ILs while DIL is not.

Same situation here.  DIL won't let us visit her home while she is there.  If DS were to invite us, she would find an excuse to leave town.

I would never have complained about my MIL, or about receiving company when my children were babies.  I don't understand DILs who do.

[holliberri]

Hi Seasons,

Welcome to the Forum. Please read our Forum Agreement under "Open Me First" if you have not had a chance to do so. Hopefully, you are comfortable here. Hopefully, reading on the site will give you a chance to tell your story and read and learn about others. I am not sure any of has have any real understanding of the situations we're in, but we always try to empathize with others and what they're going through.

[Nana]

Dear Still

This is what I think.  I am a mil....and do think that your parents and husband's parents should be treated equally as grandparents. 

But.....in this case (your case) I feel that Luise is right....it is your house ...it is your call.   You, dear Still, should not be worrying about in-laws at this point.  This is all about you and your new baby....Mil stresses you a lot, so why have her near so soon. I dont think it is the right time for her to visit  You need to to organize yourself and need to adapt/bond with your baby.   Having your mother is different...the difference is that you feel relax with her, and as a member of your family you cant tell her anything without her feeling offended, second, she helps you a lot....and you will be needing help.  Usually Mothers are always there to help their daughters. And last, your husband will not be home because he will be working ..... I can just imagine the tension in the environment. 

I always knew my dil would have her mother helping her when the babies were born and that didnt bother me at all...(what bothered me is that she did not want us ever near lol). it was just normal..... Young mothers need their mothers and should be stress-free.  Your mother is coming to help...not to visit....that is what you can explain to your husband.

I wouldnt like to be in your shoes Still..... you have the right to be happy and to look forward to such a beautiful event... in the privacy of your home.  Now,  you cant stop her from coming at this point now, but I also think that 4 -5 days is more than enough . 

Best of Luck

[RedRose]

Same situation here.  DIL won't let us visit her home while she is there.  If DS were to invite us, she would find an excuse to leave town.

I would never have complained about my MIL, or about receiving company when my children were babies.  I don't understand DILs who do.
[/quote]

I totally agree with you seasons.

[holliberri]

Thats okay, I don't  think my MIL understands me either. Sometimes, it would be nice if she did just say, "I understand."

It wasn't because I was trying to keep her from the baby; I'm just an introvert that can't play hostess well during a stressful time. It wasn't really personal. My parents weren't allowed to stay either for more than an hour or so.

[Pooh]

Ok, just putting this out there....and it's just my observance of different posts over time.  I am thinking this doesn't have so much to do with "new baby" but just guests in general?  It looks like that those that are having issues with people coming after the new baby, would have these issues at any time.  I think we have had these convos before that some people don't like several days houseguests and some of us don't mind.

I could be totally wrong, but that's what I'm seeing. (I do realize that you guys have MILs that arent' great houseguests).  Like RedRose and seasons, I never minded who visited after either one of my children, but I also don't mind house guests at any time....so that's where I'm going with this.

[holliberri]

Pooh,

You nailed it. I can manage it under okay circumstances. A new baby? Forget it. Introversion means that I need time to myself in a place I'm comfortable in to recharge. It's not easy, but talking/socializing for long periods of time takes a lot out of me. It's never personal. I wish I was an extrovert. Then I would draw my energy from the energy of others and I'd be totally psyched for DD's birthday party and a weeklong visit  with the ILs. I enjoy time with them, just not a lot of time. It's like that for anyone. DH is the same way.