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My son hates me

Started by pixie1223, May 18, 2011, 09:46:03 AM

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elsieshaye

Go, Ree! My ex-husband has a similar ability to push my buttons, so I completely agree that what you had there was a Victory!  You disconnected a button, and got peace as a result!  Have a wonderful trip. :)
This too shall pass.  All is well.

pam1

Ohhhh Ree!  I loved how you handled that conversation :)  The interjection about the weather was a wonderful touch.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pen

Ree, you handled that well! Have a wonderful trip, and happy birthday.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Oh Ree!  That was excellent!  I am so proud of you!  Now go pack for the trip and have a wonderful time.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Ree

Hey everyone,

Sunday's victory was still lingering on Monday until 4:00 pm.  My older sister (whom my son is now staying with) called me and asked me if I knew that he didn't have enough gas money to keep driving 40 miles one wayback and forth to work... was driving without car insurance and if I knew that he had put his iphone, ipad, laptops, gadgets upon gadgets, and even his car up for collateral at a title pawn.  I told her yes, I knew about all of that and I knew even more if she was interested in hearing what else is going on with her nephew and how my son rejected the solutions and financial support I offered him.
Until now I hadn't told anyone what he said and did to me on May 13th or any other time.  I did not want their view of him to change (sweet, kind, friendly, fun loving and loves his mom) It was OK for everyone to believe what he's saying and be manipulated by him until they experience a fraction of what I've endured for the past 4 years.  I come from a very large family of females and my son was the only male, nephew, grandchild, cousin, etc, for a long time.   Anyway,  I found myself crying and screaming in the phone as I told her what he did and said to land him in his current situation.
She was shocked (OMG! not sweet, innocent ...) My son is quite the charmer with the ladies by just talking quietly and Lord help any woman if he smiles at them.  And to think, I paid for those straight teeth too.  The conversation ended with my sister telling me that I should have slapped him when he called me those names instead of going outside to my garden (a very peaceful place I've worked on for a while) My son even followed me out there the day he was raging.  I left the area as soon as I saw him approaching me still talking loudly. (no way he was going to leave bad memories for me to deal with out there) I went back into the house and then to the front porch and I called my brother.  He talked with me and I put him on speaker phone so that he could hear my son's rants. Anyway, I thought yesterday was a small setback. to Sunday's victory.

pam1

Ree, I disagree with your sister.  You handled that episode with class and grace too. 

You have to do what is right for you. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Donna

Dear Pixie:

Many parts of your story, are so similar to my story, and I understand the years of wondering what you could have done better as a single parent, and more than anything I understand your total devotion to your children and giving up your life to enhance theirs.  Been there, done that.  I also understand the graciousness the DS can have towards his step father, and completely eliminate you from the situation; and I know how difficult, demeaning and hurtful this is.  I validate your feelings, your depression, your hurt, and yes your loss.

However, you have done the correct and the wise move.  If your son so wishes to eliminate you from his life, then you have finally gotten the message through the pain into your brain, and you have take now power over your own life.  This is to me all very recent as well, tho I realize it took a lot to get past the pain into my brain, that at 62 I deserve also some quality of life.

The consistent burden of carrying around, my DS and DD issues, should not be distressing me, as you; I completed my commitment to them of being the caring parent, and the payoff Pixie, is that you know you did the best of what you could do at the time with what you had and if as an adult son, he so chooses to not see your sacrifice it is his loss. 

There is also at work here nurture verses nature, and your DS has a nature that regardless of how much you nurtured, you would never get past that nature.  Perhaps time, will bring a growth to the DS; but in the meantime, that time is your time and is not to be wasted but to be lived. 

I would like to share on one distinct issue, and that is the relationship of your DS to your NH.  My DD and DS ingratiated my NH and always I was the outsider.  Little did I realize my NH was watching all of this happen and realized it was happening, but also knew my heart was to help my dear children, get them through school, get them to a point of being responsible adults.  My NH did not come into their lives until they were 17 and 18.  However, he was to them the savior, the king, and he did everything for them that they would ask as well, but he did it for me.  This I found out during the last journey with my adult children when I made the decision I could not even cry any longer.  It is only this weekend, my DH shared with me the absolute truth, of what he felt and why he was as good as he was, because he loved me.    You have a good husband, who is probably doing the same, trying to keep some kind of a connection because he loves you.  In time he probably will tell you, what he did he did for you, he's a keeper. 

Your decisions I support with a heart full of love for you, as in knowing your pain and hurt, I also know how brave and how difficult it is to make this decision.  Be proud of yourself, know you have many years of a new life.  What is behind you is in cement, what is ahead of you is life, live it and enjoy it.

Sometimes letting go is part of loving someone very much, perhaps the final stage, but it is part of the process.

Regarding the picture it only represents some of the anger you have inside of you, it rather is like a right to passage to your own life, he will never feel the pain of your destroying the picture, but you have vented with doing this, and it's just okay, as on the flip side it's only a photo, whereas you have been the actual target.

Many many hugs to you, and much encouragement, just go and enjoy your life, be free God's blessings to you.

Donna

Keys Girl

Dear Pixie, I have a son, who doesn't want me in his life.  I too was a single parent often struggling to find a few $ to take him to McDonalds while his father drilled into his head that I had ruined his life, while not paying child support.

I'm tired of being the football, to be kicked around for a goal while he and his bride to be cheer my humiliation.

It has taken me a couple of years to reach the point that Donna makes "Know that you did everything that your could at the time" and then drive on.  So many mothers spent so much time, energy, effort and sacrificed for these ungrateful adult children, I now think all the energy, etc. that I have in the future will be devoted to me.  It's not easy, but I remind myself that no one knows how much time we have on the planet, so if someone were to say to e tomorrow, "For example, you have three weeks left to live"......I don't want those weeks to be spent in despair or guilt or hostility.

I suspect that sometime down the road when I may or may not be on the planet, my son may find himself as a single parent with a mouth our two to feed, and perhaps then, he'll have some understanding of how hard I worked, how little sleep I go, and how what little money I had went to buy him toys, and send him to summer camps before I spent money on myself.

I don't think taking down the pictures is wrong, you can always put them back.  I've left the photos of my son where they were for the last few years, but as he isn't a part of my life anymore, I may just pack them up and box them up.  I'll put photos of the people who are currently in my life and who bring joy and laughter and hugs and kisses to me instead of the hatred and resentment that he chooses to bring to a boil.

I think the most difficult aspect of this is that perhaps we single parent mothers feel like we are failures, because the children we cared for have discarded us.  I look upon it (from time to time) as him choosing to adopt himself into my future DIL family.  Not that I would like to be part of that particular family but those are his choices.

Don't beat yourself up needlessly for any length of time.  In grief, anger and acceptance are part of the deal, and eventually I hope you will get let few minutes of your day be preoccupied with hostility or any of those other negative emotions.  Go through the grieving process and as time goes by, you'll find the anger and grief dissipating and happier emotions filling those spaces.

Sometimes things don't work out the way that you planned, worked for or prayed for.  "That's life", unfortunate as it is, but it is your life to reclaim, refurnish, rearrange and remember that you and you alone choose who is privileged to be a part of it.  I will not allow them or anyone else to treat me like someone that they can victimize at will for their amusement and convenience, and I encourage you to put up some big barriers so that can't happen to you. 

Make a list of things you couldn't have done while you were a parent.  Trek to Tibet, hike across the USA, do whatever you like, yes sometimes parenting sucks, but that doesn't mean that your life has to suck.  It's been a huge portion of your life, as it was mine, and it's hardly a teaspoon of my life, but there is space for some good new stuff, people, interests and volunteer work.

I say if these kids don't want us in their lives, respect their wishes, and drive on, doing the "Windsor" wave, like the Queen, smiling all the time.
"Today I will be as happy as a seagull with a french fry." Author Unknown

Donna

Greetings Keys Girl:

How beautifully written and how absolutely perfect you present the situation.  Hugs to all who hurt.

pixie1223

Thank you Donna and Keysgirl. I'm feeling better and better everyday. I actually feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders since i made the choice to give my son just exactly what he wants, my absence. The hardest part, for me, was realizing i couldn't do anything whatsoever about it. We moms are supposed to fix everything, right? I concede that I just can't do that anymore. The feeling of relief I get, now that I finally understand, is enormous. Everyday it's gets easier and easier and i think less and less about him. Out of sight, out of mind. All of you wonderful, strong, wise women who have posted here..thank you all very much. You've made a agonizing decision a bit easier. You all are the Greatest!!!!

Donna

Oh Dear Pixie:

My heart is with you, and each day becomes easier, and this is such a great place to be, as it keeps us strong just knowing we are not alone.  We are supposed to be the "fixers" and we are, every time they need something, but no one is there to fix us.  That we must do ourselves, and you are on your way, by realizing he is now an adult and can fix his own issues.  You have all of us at wise women unite for support.   What an eye opener to know what we have been so ashamed of, is so prolific in this society. 

Bless you Pixie.... Donna


meanlady

Keys,  Wonderful post!     :)  There are other people who care about me right in front of my face that I have paid no attention to because I have been so caught up in my grief over my kids.

Donna

So that means you are a very nice lady  :) and I am certain many people love you and care deeply.

Donna

We are going to have to learn some not push the buttons work.......difficult but a can do ---- now can you imagine how it would be if those buttons just did not react the way they are supposed to, my goodness some DC out there will think they lost their magic touch.  Gonna think hard on this one...in the meantime - breathe......

lancaster lady

We realise what we should have done , acted ,after many events have taken place ......Our DC act the way they do because we allow it . I can't figure out why we accept behaviour from our adult children that we never did when  they were young .Also.how.some DC jump on this as being a weakness and use  it against us .We can hope they will eventually see the effect of their actions .Meanwhile we can.help ourselves by not accepting their bad behaviour from the onset .Hard to see a solution whien going through a war and are under attack .Remaining strong always helps and  remove ourselves from stressful situations.Perhaps they have to go through their own rough patches to see the real world and find their own way , maybe  they.have to do this alone ......