March 28, 2024, 08:12:41 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


My son hates me

Started by pixie1223, May 18, 2011, 09:46:03 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

pixie1223

I didn't remove all the pictures i have of him from the house. I guess i wasn't too clear on that. But when i looked at the living-room the other day, i realized it was looking a bit like a shrine, you know? So I just de-shrined it a little. There's still the family pictures and his graduation pictures, and one particular picture of he (age 1) and his sister (age 4), that i keep out all the time. And i do not intend to cut him out of my life forever. But i will give him lots of space and stop trying to hold onto him. I will release him, to be his own man. He's moved on, in his life, as an adult and so i need to move on with my life too. And, if at some point, he changes his mind, well then, of course, i'm here. I'm allowing everything to be on his terms, when he wants. I really can't parent him anymore can I?  I can't force him to want to be around me. Yes, I've been carrying this around for some years now, that's why I started practicing, as I've seen it referred to here as "loving detachment". I want to get on with my life, it hurts, but i gotta do it anyway. I just blogged here because i was hoping that i wasn't the only mom to get this. I was wanting some support and to know i wasn't alone in this. I needed the reassuring words of others that have been through it, to reassure me that i wasn't nuts for my "empty nest" thing. Sometimes venting is a good thing, ya' know? Peace.

pixie1223

Oh, and thanks,AnonymousDIL, for reminding me that we all don't mature at the same time. I never thought of that, but you're absolutely right. Maybe he just hasn't matured to the "I still love my mom" point yet. Something to hope for  :)

meanlady

pixie, You are not alone!  My son grunts hello to me and barely looks me in the eye-ever.   He spends so much time with future in-laws and has made my ex-husband(dad) his best friend.  I do not have best relationship with ex since he abandoned us without child support when the kids were young.  New stepmom is fabulous to my son(gag).  She told me on the phone once that I was a bad mom but SHE sat by and saw the neglectful way my ex treated the kids before they became legal to drink and be buddies.  ???  Seriously they go to Happy Hours together at least 3 times a week.  Who is the bad mom?  I worked really hard to support these kids and now I am treated like a problem.   I can only imagine what is being said about me now since future in-law and ex get along wonderfully since they are all alcoholics.  Son is expecting a child in October and I am the last to know. Ex husband and stepmom present when at home test was taken.  Not included in any of the information about sex or health of child while other parents are there every step of the way, even going to doctors appts. with mom.  My solution is that I am moving away as quickly as feasible because I can't stand being so close and getting this thrown in my face constantly.  The hurt of having a grandchild so close and not being included in it's life will just be unbearable!     I guess it seems childish to run away but I have had counselors tell me to do just that.   The whole situtation is really dysfunctional with lots of alcoholic activity involved and I need to remove myself.  I won't be much of problem if I am 8 hours away and maybe I can find some peace in helping other people.  Moving won't fix everything and may seem childish but I see no other solution to the constant craziness.  My health isn't the best and I want to spend the rest of my time in peace and being appreciated for the giving person that I am.  In my mind I can just pretend that the reason they don't visit is because of the distance.   :'(

meanlady

Sorry for the rant yesterday! I was having a pity party!

AnonymousDIL

(((((((((((((((Meanlady))))))))))))))))))))

Maybe your son hasn't reached that "Mom did the best she could" point yet. I don't think you are childish in "running away" on this. I understand the logic. "Well, if I am xx hours away, of course I won't see GK that often. It's normal. It won't seem like I am being excluded. If I am only 15 minutes away I should see GK at least once a week, and if I don't it is because they are trying to exclude me (which does seem like what they are doing)."

I think moving away for you would be a wise choice. You have another child? How is your relationship with them? If it is "bad" too, move somewhere and get to know your neighbors little kids. Become "Adopted G-ma" to them. My Ex-BF's mom was an "Adopted G-ma" to two little girls. She spoiled them rotten and they adored her.

I don't have any kids yet or I'd tell you to move to PA lol

pixie1223

I just read your post from yesterday. Being a parent is difficult from the very beginning and you never stop worrying, huh? There's no clear-cut solution. I guess we just have to try to survive our kids and love then inspite of themselves. The more we try to help them, the more they pull away. When their young adults, they think they know more than we do. But, the older these kids get and the more life happens to them, the smarter we parents get. I'm just going to sit and spin and try to get on with my life and give him all the space he wants and hopefully my son will come around, someday. Which ever happens, I'll survive, just like my parents survived me. I'm sorry your having such a hard time. Parenthood is a two edged sword, isn't it? All you can do is wait til it passes. Peace.  :)

pixie1223

I agree with AnonymousDIL. My son's childhood best friend, i'll call him R., is closer to me than my son it. He has two adorable kids and I've become a 2nd mom ton him his two toddlers. I get to lavish all the attention on them that i can't on my grown kids. I don't think a kid can ever have too much love. I have and need to give my love to someone. My grandson and R's toddlers actually want it, so it's a good fit. Can you do the same thing?

meanlady

Anonymous & Pixie,  I don't think my son will grow up anymore than he has, he has an alcohol problem and his father feeds it.  As long as he has future in-laws and dad to party with I am of no value to him.  I do have a 23 year old and he is very affectionate to me but doesn't contact me unless he needs money.  :)  I have some big health issues and am facing a series of surgeries,you would think ONE of them would pick up the phone and ask how I am doing?  Not mom can I borrow $$$$$.  Thank heavens I have a sweet husband who see's the pain and wants to move also.  This is not what I expected but I can only work with what I have got and try to find solutions.   One thing that bothers me is that I have cut ties with some of my freinds that have better situations with their adult kids because I am embarrassed and jealous at same time.

Pen

ML, I understand your sorrrow, embarrassment and jealousy. You are taking steps to make your life with your wonderful husband something positive and affirming. I think in time you'll overcome the embarrassment and jealousy; you wouldn't stop seeing a friend who won the lottery or was able to buy a vacation home or got a graduate degree, would you? When your feelings regarding your son(s) aren't so raw I hope you can enjoy your friends and their good fortunes again.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pixie1223

I understand ML. I'm envious of every one of my friends, because they all have loving, respectful sons. I'm envious of the TV ( I know it's not real life) shows that display love between mother and son. I, like you, have a loving husband, who sees my pain and does his best to make up for it or explain it away. Anything to make me hurt a little less. If your husbands up for the move, then do it. Whether your son grows up or not, you'll be in a better place and can concentrate on yourself and your wonderful man. Your son will just have deal with the choices he has made. These years are supposed to be our "golden" years. I guess it's up to us to make it so. So you do what's best for you. This is your time. Make it glorious.  :)

Ree

May 21, 2011, 07:25:04 PM #25 Last Edit: May 21, 2011, 09:20:40 PM by pam1
My only son hates me too Pixie.  His recent rage was to tell me that he was dead to me...I'm nothing but a stupid not so nice name!  He also grabbed my wrists and shoved me. This was the last of many disrespectful straws for me so he was told to get out of my home then. He was living with me for over 3 and a half years rent free (after being kicked out of the military after 22 months service). Now he lives with my older sister who is an alcoholic and treats our own mother very badly.  Our mother is almost 75 years old. I was thinking of asking my older brother to talk to my son but my brother is so angry with him that he told me to go take out a restraining order on him to keep him away from me.  He has never had any trouble with the law so I didn't do it.  My son is angry with his father for ignoring him all these years and he has lashed out at me a lot.  He'll be 25 next month and his father and I divorced when he was 4.  I never remarried and raised him as a single parent.  I am to turn 50 this summer and I have been saving for 6 years to take a special vacation to celebrate my entering a new decade.  QUESTION:  Should I call my son to check on him anyway?  He told me never to call him and he took almost all of his things. and put them in storage.  My older sister claimed that he told her he was sleeping in hs car and that he was hungry so she sent him a plate of food via my niece.  The next day I took 3 loads of food to my sister's house for him only to hear from my mother that my son didn't eat anything that I brought him.  My sister didn't call me, she called our mother.  What's that about?  My sister also told my mother that she was worried about my son because he's not eating and she doesn't know where he is at times...There are rules here.  That's why my son didn't want to be here.  I don't want anymore bad feelings from him and I don't want to start something even more negative with my older sister.

pixie1223

Wow, parts of your post sounded exactly like mine: my sister also lives with my mother and treats her, in her 80's, terribly. My older sister is also an alcoholic. My son hasn't seen his father since he was 4 either. Someone once told me that you rob your grown child of feeling good about their accomplishments and proud of themselves, if you are constantly bailing them out of problems. I know that's true because I did the same thing. I too worry about my son constantly, as he's working his way through college and lives some 100 miles away. He never writes, never calls and seems to want nothing to do with either his step dad or me. So, i just cut him loose. Your son is a grown man and he has to experience the bad to get to the good. I am forcing myself to stop being an enabler or as I've been told by my daughter, quit babying him. That's a hard thing for a mom to do. I'd just leave him alone, if i were you. Take your, long awaited vacation, celebrate the new decade and have a wonderful time and forget about it. You need to get mad and stay mad, you can't see clearly unless your mad, at least that's been my experience. Your son harbors a lot of anger and only he can resolve that. You are only responsible for his actions until he's 18. At that age, you just have to step back and see how you did and allow him to get through his own problems. I don't even get word of my son's well being through family members, since he's keeping them all at a distance too. I guess he just want's to left totally alone. So, I just had to let go and let God. You can't keep feeling bad because of difficulties your son's going through. He got himself into these troubles and, at 25, he's old enough to get himself out of them and learn from it. It's not fair to you to be the received of all his anger and the butt of every problem. You didn't cause them and you can't rescue him from them. He has to do that. And, if you're not around to bail him out, he has nobody to blame for his circumstances but himself. He's at a crossroads in his life. He has to choose which path to take. Just take your vacation. You've absolutely earned it. Have a ball. Have the best time you could ever have. I hope this has helped, maybe just a little. I feel for you, I really do, cuz' I am struggling through the same thing. Sometimes parenthood sucks. Peace.

elsieshaye

Honestly, no - don't call, don't bring food, and focus on your own life (as hard as that is - I can completely understand your worry and hurt).  He needs to get through whatever is going on with him on his own.  He's an adult, and needs to get his head straight, whatever that takes.  He's so caught up in his blame and lashing out at you that it serves as a distraction keeping him from having to focus on his own problems and mistakes.  As long as you're actively participating in that, he'll jump at the opportunity to be distracted, and keep piling on you.  Step back from all of this, and focus on the only thing you really have control over - your own life, health and interests.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Pen

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Ree

Hello everyone,
...and thank you all for the great feedback.  I feel better today!  I prayed, I went to worsip service and I went to volunteer at a local soup kitchen.  I saw some of the same people I saw there last year when I first volunteered.  This year there seems to be more families (with small children) coming in to eat.  I just have to keep serving and helping someone or...Well, It's been a good peaceful day all around today.  My ex-husband called me twice and left messages saying "tell YOUR son I want the keys to MY car so I can get the battery replaced...since I haven't heard from YOUR son since he borrowed MY car 9 mths ago..."  He was yelling on the voice message at me about "our" son for something I had nothing to do with!  I took a deep breath, remained calm and called my ex back without comment on the YOUR son statements telling him that I had the keys and I would be home in a half hour.  I was in a very good mood so when he showed up I had te keys ready and spoke to him nicely.  He started talking negatively about o"our" son and I interrupted his rant and said "It's really hot today, huh?  He commented on the weather and then I said, "We served over 300 people this morning and I am so hungry from smelling all that food."  Do you need anything else?"  He said, no I worked all night and I haven't been to sleep yet."  I said " Oh, well I won't keep talking to you so you can go get your rest." Take care." I turned away and went inside the house.  I watched him from the window as he left with his battery.  I felt VICTORIOUS folks! The YOUR son comments had the potential to cause me to act CRAZY considering all that has happened from my son to me and from his dad to me when we were married and even now whenever he has the nerve to say anything negative to me about "our" son.  His neglect of being a parent is the reason I am findng it difficult to even sleep at night.
When we were married I had a reocurring dream where I was in the middle of him and my son.  Each one of them pullig on my arms and I literally split in half.  For 3 years I had this dream and I'd wake up screaming and clutching my chest. I'd run to a mirror and check for scars or blood! ( ridiculous I know) but , after we divorced, I no longer had that dream.  Anyway, as I said earlier in the post, today has been a calm and peaceful day and it looks like I will have a peaceful night as well.  Thanks again for your encouragment and keep the faith to all that are going through simuliar circumstances.  I'm going to start packing early for my birthday trip! 8) Do What ne Can Do. Peace.