My son hates me

[pixie1223]

I'm new here and so grateful to finally have a place to talk about my issue. I'm nearly 60 and have 2 grown children. The problem is, like many I've noticed here, my son, who is 28 and in college. He hates me. I was a single parent. My ex rarely paid support. I worked 2 and 3 jobs to provide for my children. I sacrificed in ways my children will never know to provide for them. They were always first in my mind and heart. At one time I was in college, working 2 jobs and trying to raise my children. I finally made the sacrifice and dropped out of college to provide and raise my kids. And I've never regretted that choice. I was not a perfect parent, nobody is. I learned along the way, like most parents. I did the best I could with what I had and with no help from anyone. I don't understand why my son hates me so much. He doesn't call and if I call him, he says he's busy and gets off the phone as soon as possible. He won't even let me contact via his Facebook page. When I tell him I love him, he acts like he's embarrassed and he never tells me he loves me or says ditto or anything. He never comes to visit and I know nothing of his college life. He never tells me anything that is going on with him. It's gotten so bad that I don't know how to talk to him anymore. On the few occasions I do see him, i.e. Christmas or Thanksgiving, it's like we're strangers and barely know how to speak to each other. I don't know him any more. He never remembers my birthday, which is only 3 days before his and Mother's Day? Forget it. I've given up trying to connect with him. His stepfather talks to him more than I do and they have a very great relationship. I guess it's a "guy" thing. Anything I learn about my son is second hand through my husband. I've grieved and grieved and grieved about this for years. I finally just gave up here recently. I took all his pictures down and placed them in the attic, cleared out his bedroom and have done my best to put him out of my mind, leaving it up to him to contact me. Until I did that, I carried around a lot of guilt, wondering what I could have possibly done to make him hate me so. I cried and cried and was depressed for years, literally. It still hurts, but I'm learning to cope and have started devoting more time to my grown daughter and my 11-year-old grandson, who is the apple of my eye. My children are now my 3 Yorkies. I decided if distance is what he wants, then distance he SHALL get. If he does not want a family, then so be it. You know, when you raise your children and when they grow up and leave, it's hard to remember what you did before you had kids. I've just decided to live my life like I have no son at all. It sounds drastic I know, but that's the only way I can get on with my life. I hope that, someday, he will be able to forgive me for whatever I did. I read once that: Forgiveness only comes when you are able to give up thinking the past could have been any different. Thanks for listening (or reading I should say). PEACE.

[pam1]

pixie1223 welcome

If you haven't already done so please read the Forum Agreement under the category "Open Me First."  We ask all new members to do so, not b/c there is anything wrong with your post.

I think there are quite a few members who can relate to you here.  Glad you find us!

[lancaster lady]

Welcome Pixie :

I think you're doing exactly what the members here would have told you to do .
Loving detachment we call it .
Does your husband also see your son ? Are you with him if they meet?
Until he explains his actions , it's a guessing game .At least you know where and how he is , that has to
be a plus .
Keep logging in , I'm sure there will be more posts on your topic .

[Pooh]

Welcome pixie1223 and you are in good company.  You have already reached a place that many of us here took time to get to and that is waiting for him and giving him space.  Moving on with your life, appreciating the things you have and realizing you can't change him is a huge step to take.

Welcome and keep reading and posting!

[pixie1223]

Thanks for the warm welcome.  It's taken me 8 years to get to the "fed Up" point I'm at right now. And, yes, I've been with my husband when he and my son meet. He ignores me and acts like he doesn't see me sitting there beside his step dad. That really hurts my heart. He doesn't even acknowledge I'm there. I'm a non-person and not even important to look at. This is very hurtful and I'm sure he knows it. He's not a baby. He's 28 years old, so there's really not excuse for his behavior other than sheer disrespect and hurtfulness. But as I had a friend tell me once: If ya' want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. Again, thanks for the welcome. I really need the support right now as I'm am still doubting the tact I'm taking here, or at least I was until I received reply's from here. Thanks everyone. I feel much better now.  Peace.

[Pen]

Welcome, Pixie. It is hard to remember who we were (or could have been) w/o kids. We put in so much time and effort during the prime years of our lives, and it would be nice to be acknowledged. No one wants to think that they've spent a major portion of their life fruitlessly. So, as has been said, we have to validate ourselves if our children won't. You know you did the very best you could. Revel in your daughter and grandson! Your DS will live his life, hopefully including you soon. If not, you're still living your fabulous life. Best wishes.

[jill]

Welcome Pixie, I am so glad you found us.  We know how much you are hurting, we are all going through the same thing, so we are here to offer support.  I would concentrate on your dd and gc, enjoy the relationship you have with them.
I do not think all is lost though, you say your ds is close to his stepdad, is there anything your dh can do to bring you closer?    Anyway, keep venting when you need to.
Best Wishes......Jill   

[pixie1223]

My husband has read my son, i'll call him C, the "riot act" a few times and things get better for a little while. But then it's back to the same old thing. His stepdad is pretty sick and tired of the attitude towards me too. I guess it's just up to C., isn't it? If I had known that a son of my would treat me like this, as an adult, I'd have had 2 daughters instead )  Peace.
i9

[jdtm]

Without going into detail, our son also treated me this way (started with a new wife).  My husband and I were treated horribly by her and our son did nothing to "change" this.  Now, our DIL is an "ex" and gradually, our son is coming back into our lives.  It's been over two years now - slowly, slowly ...

My husband always felt that our son was so humiliated and ashamed of her and his treatment of us and that is why he was so distant.  Perhaps this was so, perhaps not, but for us, things are getting better.  So, could there be some reason your son is ashamed to face you?  Maybe it is not you, but him.  Anyway, I was just wondering ....

[pixie1223]

That's a very good question. I never thought of that. He says he never wants to get married or have children. So, i know that's not it. I have a gut feeling that he's not doing so well in college: mainly because when we ask how school is going, he's very evasive. I've always told my kids, since they were little: It's not if you go to college, but when you go to college. I've always told him how proud of him I am. I guess that's a possibility. Guess I'll never know for sure, unless he tells me. Still, the way he treats me hurts. Hopefully, my son, will come around like yours has. It's nice to think that there may be hope for him yet. Peace.

[Kennedy]

Hi Pixie and welcome,
I have a couple of questions if it's okay? If you would rather not answer? Please know that is okay also.
You said your son is 28 years old. Isn't that kind of a long time to still be in college? If he started right after high school I mean? Or did he just start later in life? Just curious. Does your husband and you help pay for school? If so, I would tell him there were going to be a few changes on his end or there would be a few changes on your end. A person can't spit on the hand that helps them and expect it to always be there. We all (Even Mom's) have a point where enough is enough.
I understand that no matter how old they get, They are still our children. But at 28 years old your son is plenty old enough to behave in a respectful way to his Mother.
But if he accepts no help with school or life outside of school from you and chooses to live this way? All you can do is wait and pray. (If you pray?) I hope things do get better for you and I'm sorry for the pain you feel right now. God Bless!!

[pixie1223]

We had to force our son to go to work at 17, to prevent another summer filled with Television and Computer games. I just felt he could spend that time more constructively. He was hooked after the first paycheck. Good thing he was used to working because we could not afford to financially help him with school. I think he resented that because we continued to push him towards college. He attended the local junior college for his basics, paying his own way, and once he did that, he transferred over to Oklahoma State University, Stillwater Ok, for the courses he needed for his degree in Mechanical Engineering and is attending now. We did hear a couple of times, through his sister, that he has been on academic probation a few times. Maybe we just made too big a deal out of him succeeding in college. I know he seems very evasive when we ask about it, so we just quit asking. We also quit telling him we're proud of him going after his degree, so we don't make him feel bad, if he's not doing so well. Maybe we just put too much pressure on him. But still, that doesn't explain why he hates me. I don't deserve to be treated like dirt, by my own son, after all the sacrifices I've made for him. I'm just going to completely leave him alone. He doesn't seem to want a mom, so, as much as it hurts me, I guess that's what I should give him: my total and complete absence. Peace.

[LaurieS]

I don't deserve to be treated like dirt, by my own son, after all the sacrifices I've made for him. I'm just going to completely leave him alone. He doesn't seem to want a mom, so, as much as it hurts me, I guess that's what I should give him: my total and complete absence. Peace.

This is often the reoccurring wording that I read here on WWU when a child pulls away from a parent.  Many women develop a martyr complex, and then go to the extreme as a way to punish their child.  Pixie, while your pain is real your approach may not land you the results you are probably hoping for. 

As mothers we make a lifetime of sacrifices, from the moment of conception when the morning sickness begins.  We do so because we chose to, we continue to give because most mothers love their children unconditionally.  Yet when they pull away the 'sacrifice' trump card is tossed on the table and all those unconditional aspects of love go flying out the window.  Suddenly it comes to light that a pay back is expected and the form is continued involvement in our daily lives.

Personally I applaud you son, working your own way through college is quite an accomplishment.  I'm equally sure that you are very proud of him... and you're right to quit applying anything that he sees as pressure from the home front.

Try working on you first, especially since you can not change who he is, what he wants, and most certainly how he views you and your sacrifices.  You stated that this self-described torture has gone on for years, and now you've banished his pictures to the attic?  How could he want to rekindle a relationship when it has been made clear that your love now has not only conditions but pretty dire consequences.  As always IMHO.

[Pen]

Pixie, Laurie makes a lot of sense. Right now you're trying to find your center again, thus the pics in the attic etc. You may want to rethink that approach and leave some room for him to return. You mentioned that as a 17 year old he spent too much time on games and TV...that raised a bit of a red flag to me, as I know of several young men who became addicted to gaming and have had trouble handling real life. Your DS's  rejection &  disregard for you might be driven by a gaming addiction which can delay development of age-appropriate social skills. He may need to know that there is hope, if you can get to the point where it doesn't hurt so much to give it to him. Also just MHO.

Take care of yourself first and foremost, and let the rest fall into place.

[AnonymousDIL]

Pixie, you commented that he is 28 and not a baby.... We all age, but we don't always grow up. We all mature at different rates. He just might not have reached the "My mom was AWESOME when I was growing up and I appreciate everything she has done for me." point yet. I just recently reached that point myself (at 25) and my brother (currently 27) hasn't reached that point yet. He is always complaining about all the "bad" stuff about growing up with our mom instead of realizing that she did the best that she could and we are reaping a LOT of benefits from it.

As far as the pictures, it just hit me that banishing the pictures is kinda a childish thing to do.  I ripped(yep, took the frame off the wall, ripped her out of a picture and put the frame back up! lol) my SIL out of pictures hanging in my house a week or so ago and took down the new "family" photo and replaced it with one without DB/SIL in.... I'm kinda embarrassed about that now. I think when I get home I'll put that family photo back up. DB can't help the way he is, but I do hope someday he will change.

At some point your DS will come around. Now can be a chance for you to test out your patience (coming from the most impatient girl on the planet here! lol... I need to test mine out now too)