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Calming thoughts needed

Started by elsieshaye, May 24, 2011, 08:26:42 AM

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Pooh

Bless your heart Elsieshaye.  You are a better person than me.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

elsieshaye

Idunno, Pooh.  For 12 or so years, when I did the "bigger person" routine with the ex, it came out of a place of mixed fear and pragmatism.  Now, there's a large element of "nuts to you" in it, and no kindness whatsoever.  I'm giving him rope to hang himself with, and I know how much it irks him that I have more money than he does, so it's passive aggression as much as anything else.

I struggle with the whole thing a little bit, because I sometimes feel like I'm teaching my son to be an appeaser, and because revenge fantasies can be emotionally satisfying.  Beyond the fact that there simply is no adequate payback for what XH has put both of us through, I'd like to think I'm teaching DS "when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em," (geez, could I use more "quotation marks???", lol) but he and I have had several discussions where he let me know that he both saw it as cowardice and selling out.  He doesn't quite feel that way any more, and has begun to see the value of biding one's time and choosing actions based on factors other than the need to prove one is right or dominant, but is not wholly a convert yet, lol.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Nana

Elsie, I am sure you will have a great time.  You are positive so you will have a positive outcome.  I will keep you in my prayers. 

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Donna

Kudos to you, that no XH is staying with you ....... look up Box Breathing on Google, you will be amazed once you start to do it, how well it works.  It has taken me through so many crisis in life, when you get all calmed down your son will go off your vibes of calmness.  Go onto Sounds True, right now they have a free MP3 download of about 9 relaxing songs, very yoga based, but if you breathe and listen truly you will just calm right down.  My thoughts are with you, and hope all goes well.

Pooh

Quote from: elsieshaye on May 24, 2011, 02:18:15 PM
Idunno, Pooh.  For 12 or so years, when I did the "bigger person" routine with the ex, it came out of a place of mixed fear and pragmatism.  Now, there's a large element of "nuts to you" in it, and no kindness whatsoever.  I'm giving him rope to hang himself with, and I know how much it irks him that I have more money than he does, so it's passive aggression as much as anything else.

I struggle with the whole thing a little bit, because I sometimes feel like I'm teaching my son to be an appeaser, and because revenge fantasies can be emotionally satisfying.  Beyond the fact that there simply is no adequate payback for what XH has put both of us through, I'd like to think I'm teaching DS "when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em," (geez, could I use more "quotation marks???", lol) but he and I have had several discussions where he let me know that he both saw it as cowardice and selling out.  He doesn't quite feel that way any more, and has begun to see the value of biding one's time and choosing actions based on factors other than the need to prove one is right or dominant, but is not wholly a convert yet, lol.

I totally get that.  Even though I have a wonderful DH now, and I have come out for the better in the long run, I still hold animosity for what my X did to me and our Sons.  I always encouraged their relationship, because it was the right thing to do and now OS has a great relationship with him, but doesn't speak to me.  That makes it even harder to understand sometimes.  I know you are doing it because he likes to drag you into court, and if my X had treated me well and we had remained civil after the divorce, I could see me paying for him a hotel so that he could be there (in your X's disability situation).  I would be doing it for my Sons, not him.  The way my relationship is with my X now, which is non-existant unless I have to, he could stay in a treehouse before I would do it.  There is nothing in custody or visitation agreements that says I would have to pay for him to come in for graduation.  That's why I said you are a better woman than me!  I know you are doing it to keep peace and calmness for your Son.  I would have a hard time since I can't stand to even have to look at my X.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

elsieshaye

Donna - many thanks for the recommendation.  That website is dangerous for my credit card balance, lol - within 2 minutes of browsing I saw half a dozen things I wanted to listen to.  (It's like an auditory yarn store.)  I snagged the mp3s you mentioned, and will carve some time out at lunch to just sit and breathe.  I've been trying to figure out how to get my meditation practice going again, and taking 10 minutes at lunch may be how that happens.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

pam1

Scoop has that wonderful saying that I think applies here "money is the cheapest way to pay"

I think your plan to pay for the hotel room is smart. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

elsieshaye

Pooh, that's exactly it - I'm doing it for my son, not the ex.  I'm so sorry about your OS.  It sucks when people think they have to choose sides.  For a long time, the worse the ex treated DS, the more he identified with him and idolized him.  During that time, DS had a lot of contempt for me, saw me as weak, and actually told me that he'd have more respect for me if I yelled at him and threatened him.  (XH's favorite techniques, unsurprisingly.)  Behaviorally, he became a clone of XH - even other people noticed.  It took jail and a group home to change his mind about that.  A testament to the big hole it leaves when one's father is unsafe and disappointing, and loves only conditionally and on his own terms.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Pooh

Quote from: elsieshaye on May 25, 2011, 07:51:34 AM
Pooh, that's exactly it - I'm doing it for my son, not the ex.  I'm so sorry about your OS.  It sucks when people think they have to choose sides.  For a long time, the worse the ex treated DS, the more he identified with him and idolized him.  During that time, DS had a lot of contempt for me, saw me as weak, and actually told me that he'd have more respect for me if I yelled at him and threatened him.  (XH's favorite techniques, unsurprisingly.)  Behaviorally, he became a clone of XH - even other people noticed.  It took jail and a group home to change his mind about that.  A testament to the big hole it leaves when one's father is unsafe and disappointing, and loves only conditionally and on his own terms.

I understand and thanks.  I think OS has become an exact clone of his father too.  I don't think OS sees me as weak, but I think his father has convinced him he did what he did because I wasn't treating him right.  His father was always good at lying to people and unfortunately, that part has rubbed off on OS.  He finds nothing wrong with lying to people as well so he doesn't have to deal with reality.  I think he has told so many lies now, that he is believing them himself. I hope he realizes someday that living a lie is not living.

I do think you are doing the right thing for you and your DS.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Donna

As mothers we are always destined to do what seems to be in the best interests of our children.  One day after 12 years of never hearing anything from my XH, he appeared at the door.  I did not recognize him.  Oh my he had aged so much, and it was me he dumped as he didn't want an old 60 year old on his arm when we got old (one of the reasons).  After asking him what I could do for him, was he lost and he just stood there, I finally asked if his car had broken down, and he said "You really don't know me do you", the voice did it, I got it then immediately.  With heart slammed shut immediately in my chest I went into child protect mode, and so invited him in.  Only my DS was home.  My goodness he stayed 3 plus hours.  All along I was so concerned about my DS, when he left my first thoughts were for him and I asked him how he was.  He said at first I wondered and worried what he thought of me, but after a bit, I realized he hasn't been here for me, so I think nothing of him, so why should I worry about what he thinks of me. He did tell us that he had stalked us for the 12 years by watching us from across the street at the Macdonalds.  That was eerie, but I got over it.  Later that year my DD would engage herself in a relationship with him, which lasted perhaps 3 to 4 months and blew apart. 

Over all those years, I never bad mouthed him, as I left the children's memories of him to be what they were.  I was actually grateful, I did not get child support, and he would have to ask the children to go, and he just did not bother.  That part was easy.

However, the point I am trying to make here is that we do things for our DC that we would not do for any other reason. 

Along the way sometimes a miracle happens. 

On this surprising visit, which went on for a very long time, I was very cool and collected, and did a lot of breathing.  When he left, I knew he had come for something he needed which was closure of some kind.  He spoke of his wife, and how she would not let him come and see the children.  (Blame) and also how upset she would get when he would stalk us out.    He also talked about starting a family with her, and under my breath I prayed God don't it happen, more young souls to be destroyed.

He talked a lot, before he yelled and ordered.  He wanted to discuss our "good" times, which I just kept changing the subject on, as that was the past, and a place I did not want to go to.  He had the gift of denial of the horrible times, and only wanted to remember the good times; and I did not want to really bring up the horrible times, so it was a 3 hour dance, so to speak.

When he left, whatever he came for I don't know if he got it, but I surely got a lot out of that visit.  I was able to observe him in a different perspective after all of those years together and apart.  I felt actually sorry for him, and I felt for the first time in all the years I had been with him, known him, I was in 100% control of the situation.  Wow that felt good.  On that day, I got my personal power back, that he had taken years before away from me.

Life changed dramatically after that visit, as I changed dramatically after that visit.  I was no longer afraid, and I had been so afraid for so many years. 

So sometimes, when we are afraid, and we are faced with that fear surprising things can happen, you can gain courage, take back your self esteem, free yourself, take control of your own life and indeed open up doors.  You can learn also from your DC with how they react, and perhaps free them to respond in a manner that suits them as I am so certain they are in a position of not wanting to hurt either, what a place to be.

LOL  - Go onto Learn Out Loud as there are several you can also download free, soon they will be having their $ sale.  There is a neat little one called "Alpha Break" it's ten minutes of sending you straight to heaven.  If you can't find it, let me know.  Yes my credit card took one good hit yesterday as I ordered in a few new ones, I find they open doors and give different insights and ways to look, perceive how things are from different perspectives, which makes the hardest part "forgiveness" a lot easier. 

Once you can actually say, I forgive that @@$#@ for  #%#%#%$# and truly mean it in your heart, you yourself are free.

I love the old saying of how many muscles it takes to frown opposed to how many muscles it takes to smile, and I prefer the smile on my old age wrinkles.

LMDO

Donna


elsieshaye

Donna, that's really mind-blowing.   I do understand what you mean about the profound change.  One of XH's litigious moments was to sue me for sole custody right around DS's 17th birthday.  He lost, but since his goal was really to get more visitation, he felt that he'd won.  The sole custody suit had been my worst nightmare since I'd left XH, and the fact that he initiated it when he did was actually a huge gift to me.  I am no longer afraid of it happening, and that has changed a lot of my fear-based responses to XH, since my fear of that specific event was really the source of 99% of my fear of XH.

(Thanks for the suggestion for Alpha Break - found it, and will load it on my iPod tonight.  Spent some time this afternoon listening to the meditation music while I worked, and it really helped.)
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Donna

I checked out Learn out Loud as well, and they do have their $1.00 sale, and there are some real nice meditation ones.  I used this a lot, as while I do the shop books at home, I play a lot of things in the background.  If you are interested in more, let me know, I don't mind to share.

Yes, life is full of experiences, who would have thought when we cuddled these beautiful perfect little babes, that our husbands would be dolts and not want the responsibility of being a responsible parent, and who would have thought all of our energy and self would go into DC that would put us through such hoops. 

I don't know what planet they are on, but more importantly I think I have learned enough in life, to not bother finding out where it is   When they decide to return to earth, and be human beings, hopefully I'll still be here. 

For my XH, when my life changed I moved 600 miles, where he had also an apartment, guess what he moved out of Dodge.  It was one of the most satisfying moments of my life, when I found out this info.  This man had stalked us for so long, came to the doorstep, visited, told me he had, and when I moved to where he had staked territory, he left.  (He had two residences, so he went back to the one furthest away.   Now that just gave me altitude for my new attitude.

Forgiveness is 100% freedom, it has the most incredible capacity to give one courage, strength in this entire world.  Soon there will be relationships between the DS and the parents, all without the other interference, so you have gone the long stretch and now its only a short stretch, and I only pray it goes easier day by day.  Hugs to you.  d