FMIL And The Wedding

[AnonymousDIL]

But all to often those who are being self-centered feel justified and then it's actually supported and validated by others... so those who are being self-centered will not change because they do not feel that they are in the wrong.

Pssst! Are you talking about my SIL? She does have her loyal band of followers lol

[overwhelmed123]

As Laurie said, some of it was what they didn't do. The luncheon was held at the same venue as next day's wedding. As I said, DS picked the venue but we had no input. I don't know if his FILs suggested it or not. After DH stood and made a little speech welcoming everyone, he spoke graciously about DIL & her FOO, thanked her Ps in advance for the wedding, etc. w/o making a big deal out of our involvement. When DIL's DF got up to speak he didn't mention us or thank us for our contributions or for "hosting" the rehearsal luncheon. We didn't know at the time how they felt about us, but shortly after the wedding we were shunned.

My gosh, he stood up to speak AT the event you were hosting and didn't bother to mention one brief "thank you?"  That man must have some cajones.  Am I allowed to say that?  I don't know a good word for...cajones.

[lancaster lady]

As this wedding of my Ds draws closer , I am beginning to get the wrong vibes coming through .
Money is a huge issue now . Perhaps F/DIL has gone a bit too far with her dream wedding , I wish my DS
had put his big foot down at the beginning , too late now , bills are spiralling out of control I think .
Now I know the reason for my DS sad face .
thought weddings were supposed to be a happy event ??

[AnonymousDIL]

  Money troubles can turn the happiest event into a nightmare. 

[Pooh]

As this wedding of my Ds draws closer , I am beginning to get the wrong vibes coming through .
Money is a huge issue now . Perhaps F/DIL has gone a bit too far with her dream wedding , I wish my DS
had put his big foot down at the beginning , too late now , bills are spiralling out of control I think .
Now I know the reason for my DS sad face .
thought weddings were supposed to be a happy event ??

I'm sorry LL.  Yes, it should be but unfortunately, many of them are not just because of money.  It's very sad.  Please LL, just don't let them drag you into it.

[lancaster lady]

thanks Pooh ,
Have tried to give my DS some financial advice , not monetary , hopefully to point him in the right direction .
They know I will gift them some money for the wedding , but I think this goes deeper than that .
Now perhaps they will see the error of their ways , rushing headlong into being parents before being financially
secure .Yes they planned their DD and wondered why f/dil 's parents were not best pleased !!
They had just paid for their DD's education through Uni , to have her graduate and then become a Mom
9 months later . Had it been my DD I would  have been mad too .
I knew where they were heading and kept out , my heart cries for my DS , who has a good job and has provided
solely for his little family successfully until the wedding came along .How can you tell a 33 year old man who is besotted
how to budget carefully .Who had never seen his own wedding venue until 6 months after it was booked .
If you knew you were struggling financially , would you go and order from a fashion house , a dress which
took 5 months to make ?? My heart sank when I heard this , I said nothing !

So we parents who are not allowed any opinions are the same parents who are expected to pick up the pieces.
However , the bride's FOO are paying for the biggest part of the wedding , but somehow I don't think that
covers the dress too .

I am not the kind of person to say I told you so , and had I ventured any kind of advice beforehand would it
have been heeded , probably not . So I kept quiet , rightly or wrongly .
We were fighting different issues at the time .

So here I am worrying once again . They are now talking about moving in with F/DIL's parents temporarily to give
them some leeway to pay off some bills .
I told my DS to explore every avenue before committing to this , for me this would be disastrous , newly married living with
inlaws .All this before the wedding .......oh dear .

I am not portioning any blame either  way, I think they are both equal in this mess .
Not a good start to married life .

[Pooh]

No, definately not a good start.  I think you are doing great even though it's hard to watch. 

[Pen]

LL, I agree with Pooh, try not to become entangled in their mess. Those of us at or near retirement age need to be thinking of our security and not helping our adult children out of debt. Even if finances aren't involved the stress can wreck our health at a time when we need to be taking better care of ourselves. I understand your concern. I blame the Royal Wedding, LOL. They say the bridal industry worldwide are rubbing their collective hands with glee.

[lancaster lady]

Thanks Pen :

I hope we will be able to enjoy the wedding on the day . My F/DIL acts as is everything is hunky dory ,
but I knew something was wrong looking at my DS ......we worry from the day they are born , no matter
what their age is !

[Pen]

LL, fake it 'til ya make it! Even if that smile has to be plastered on, do not give your new DIL & her FOO one single reason to dislike you!

You'll be the epitome of charm and grace. And we'll be there with you in spirit (or spirits, as the case may be - some of us WW won't be able to pass up the bubbly.)

[LaurieS]

LL, fake it 'til ya make it!

That's my motto Pen... we are still talking social events right?

[Tara]

Hi, I just read the last 10 pages about your dd's wedding  planning Laurie, what a joy.


LL:  I appreciate how you are handling yourself re: ds wedding. 
Thats unfortunate that ds and dil will have so much debt due to wedding, etc. that they
have to move in with IL.  far from ideal.  I'll be interested to hear how it unfolds.

Its fun to hear about different weddings.  DH and I got married 10 years ago last week
at the San Francisco Zen Center.  We had about 50 people and then had a little reception
at a Victorian next door to the SF Zen Center.  We ordered Mediterranean food from a local
restaurant , served buffet style and had zen students take care of clean up and catering aspects.
I and  my sister and 2 friends wore kimono jackets, so did dh.  Paul Haller, Zen priest and my
practice leader when I lived there married us. 

[LaurieS]

DH and I got married 10 years ago last week at the San Francisco Zen Center. 

Tara... I don't think there would be another place on earth as perfect for you as the Zen Center

[Tara]

Yes, you've got a point there.

Since then though dh got into a 12 step group and in finding his 'higher power' he went back to the cathoic church
and likes it allot.  We support each other in our spiritual quests. 

I think you might already know that.

[Pooh]

Tara, that sounds like a lovely ceremony.  Happy belated anniversary!