What started it?

[Pen]

Sometimes people are just wary after being hurt by someone else. It would be nice if there could be a way to accept the newcomer while honoring the original family members.

[Pooh]

I agree.  You have to be willing to accept people into your life that are trying. 

[AnonymousDIL]

Issues arise when the newcomer isn't viewed as "trying" or isn't "trying" in the way that the FOO want them to try. Just because the newcomer isn't bending to the FOO's every whim that doesn' mean that they aren't trying.... That goes in any relationship. DB doesn't like DM's BF or my DH. Both of which have TRIED to get him to like them, but nothing is good enough. So instead he is a total jerk to both the guys. 

[SassyDI]

She is excepted as family member even if she is not called Grandma or something to that affect.  FIL got to choose who he married we had not say.  He doesn't get say in what his new wife is considered to us or DD.  As parents we make that choice and we make it alone.  I am not shallow or heartless just because I choose to to allow her to be called what she wants. 

[SassyDI]

Issues arise when the newcomer isn't viewed as "trying" or isn't "trying" in the way that the FOO want them to try. Just because the newcomer isn't bending to the FOO's every whim that doesn' mean that they aren't trying.... That goes in any relationship. DB doesn't like DM's BF or my DH. Both of which have TRIED to get him to like them, but nothing is good enough. So instead he is a total jerk to both the guys. 

So your brother's jealousy gets in the way.  This isn't about jealousy ADIL its not the same.  This is about a woman who encourges her Daughter to write a mean message on a site my family, DH's family and our friend go onto.  This is about a woman who when I was pregnant tried to hurt me by telling me people were saying my baby shower was the worest shower ever.  Among a slue of other things.  I am not saying I am perfect but I am sorry this woman isn't trying she just wants it her way all the time.  Everytime they sit and wait for DH to wear down and then they add something else to it.  Its been like this in the past with everything.  They do one thing at a time.  Because my DH is classic for caving into them if they just wait long enough. 

[AnonymousDIL]

Obviously, these are two different cases.

Sometimes I just wish my DB would see how much DH has tried. And, if he would be willing to "try" a little himself, maybe we could all be one big happy family again. I can't believe how different the family dynamics are now than when my Dad was still around. He would say that "Compromise is essential in every relationship." We was a very wise guy and I really miss him.

The dynamic between my DB/DH is the same as my relationship with DH's sister. I have TRIED so hard to get that girl to get along with me. I've tried to the point that I can't try any more. She obviously doesn't want a relationship with me (or her DB) so I guess it is time to move on.... But maybe someday we will all eat rainbows and poop butterflies and she will come around lol

[SassyDI]

Obviously, these are two different cases.

Sometimes I just wish my DB would see how much DH has tried. And, if he would be willing to "try" a little himself, maybe we could all be one big happy family again. I can't believe how different the family dynamics are now than when my Dad was still around. He would say that "Compromise is essential in every relationship." We was a very wise guy and I really miss him.

The dynamic between my DB/DH is the same as my relationship with DH's sister. I have TRIED so hard to get that girl to get along with me. I've tried to the point that I can't try any more. She obviously doesn't want a relationship with me (or her DB) so I guess it is time to move on.... But maybe someday we will all eat rainbows and poop butterflies and she will come around lol

So in other words your taking out the problems you have on your brother out on me because they are not one in the same.  Its easier to lump me like him so you can let out your anger on me because you can't on him. 

[Pen]

SassyDI, I was going to say: I think we've left the OP topic "What started it?" behind long ago. If the next few posts don't address the OP I'm locking it up 'cos it's way off track now. Maybe you guys could start an 'extended family dynamic' topic? It would continue to be interesting/helpful if the focus was on learning and progressing, IMO.

But now I'm just locking it.