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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


What started it?

Started by SassyDI, May 16, 2011, 06:15:22 PM

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1Glitterati

Quote from: Laurie on May 16, 2011, 08:57:15 PM
What do your kids think of all this? I really do want to know, do you see the grandkids being negatively affected by this hateful relationship?  I'm not trying to to snide.. I think it's a question that a lot of people would be interested in hearing the answer to since there are many volatile relationships here on wwu.

I don't badmouth the ils in front of them.  (In fact...it's a very rare thing that I say anything negative about them at all to my husband.)  They have asked my why I don't visit and I HAVE told them the truth.  That grandma and grandpa did something that made me very, very angry and that I don't want to be around them anymore.  My oldest asked for more details about what made me very angry (this was after the visits resumed) and I told him.  Among that truth was that grandma and granddaddy called me a liar and even when they were forced to admit I wasn't that they wouldn't apologize.  I told him that I no longer liked or trusted his grandparents and that I probably never would.  I also told him that my relationship with his grandparents had nothing to do him.  That I would not be angry at him for liking his grandparents.  That it was okay to like his grandparents.

I wouldn't classify our relationship as hateful because we no longer have a relationship. 

LaurieS

ok, but how do your kids feel was my question.

1Glitterati

Quote from: Laurie on May 16, 2011, 09:12:18 PM
ok, but how do your kids feel was my question.

I think they are occasionally, briefly sad that I don't like their grandparents.  I don't think that's going to be psychologically harmful.  You aren't going to like everyone you meet.  It's okay not to like other people.  It's just part of life.

I don't see any reason to fake it.  I think it would be a bad example to show them and something wrong to teach them.   

LaurieS

Do your kids see your in-laws as people that 'they' can trust even if you do not.. or are they standoffish in that manner.  I just know that if my kids were younger and I stood up and said for any reason "I don't like Robert Gates" they would almost follow suit (btw..  I love Robert Gates)  ... if I told my children that someone isn't trustworthy I think I would have been informing them that they too should view them untrustworthy.  Telling your kids that a grandparent called their mom, who they worship and love unconditionally, a liar, would you not in some way be undermining their views and values place on that set of grandparents?

I'm not saying that my approach would be the same or different, as I have not found myself in this type of situation with a family member... I just have a hard time believing that all these negative views and opinions have to have some bearing on our children's views as well. 

luise.volta

G,: I so admire your honesty. My grandfather (a minister) tried to sexually molest me when I was 4. I got away from him and told my mother, who, thankfully...believed me. She made sure I was never left alone with him again...but she was a sweet dutiful DIL who never confronted him or told my dad (that I know of.) Appearances were everything...and what I learned from it was that lying was proper and truth-telling wasn't.

I know there are no such issues in your situation...but I also don't think you would be doing yourself or anyone else any favors by appearing to like someone you don't care for. Kid's are smart, they can tell,  and they can learn from such role models lessons we don't intend to impart. No one likes everyone. To me that's a great lesson to learn, early on.

Just my 2 cents.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

My relationship with my DF & his wife has not been great, but I never wanted to influence my kids against them. Since there wasn't an issue of abuse or litigation between us, I figured I'd shut up and let them build whatever relationship they were going to build. It wasn't until recently that DH finally told DS that my SM had been treating me poorly all this time in answer to DS's query as to why I wasn't more enthusiastic about an impending visit. DS, as an adult, can do with that info as he will.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

1Glitterati

Quote from: Laurie on May 16, 2011, 09:30:45 PM
Do your kids see your in-laws as people that 'they' can trust even if you do not.. or are they standoffish in that manner.  I just know that if my kids were younger and I stood up and said for any reason "I don't like Robert Gates" they would almost follow suit (btw..  I love Robert Gates)  ... if I told my children that someone isn't trustworthy I think I would have been informing them that they too should view them untrustworthy.  Telling your kids that a grandparent called their mom, who they worship and love unconditionally, a liar, would you not in some way be undermining their views and values place on that set of grandparents?

I'm not saying that my approach would be the same or different, as I have not found myself in this type of situation with a family member... I just have a hard time believing that all these negative views and opinions have to have some bearing on our children's views as well.

They have a relationship with the inlaws.  They seem to like their grandparents very much.  It's not my responsibility to see that they trust their grandparents, especially when I DON'T think their grandparents are trustworthy.  I do not badmouth their grandparents. 

As for telling the oldest that I was called a liar...it's the truth.  There's nothing wrong with that.  There's way more wrong with whitewashing things or pretending they didn't happen.  I'm not going to cover their bad behavior...they're going to have to own it.  If that influences their relationship with my children...so be it.  They should be glad I'm not seeking to bend the children's opinion of them to mine.

SassyDI

I won't put on a fake smile and a fake relationship for DD sake.  Sorry it just leads her to think everyone has to get along and they don't.  But I also won't fill her head with meanness about them.  Will I be honest?  Yes but to the degree of how sometimes people just don't get a long.  And its got to be age approperiate.

pam1

Quote from: SassyDI on May 16, 2011, 08:27:12 PM
Quote from: pam1 on May 16, 2011, 08:22:17 PM
Quote from: SassyDI on May 16, 2011, 08:17:24 PM
Quote from: pam1 on May 16, 2011, 07:31:02 PM
That is sweet, Luise!  I think, hope we are on our way there with my DD's father and his wife.  His wife and I get on pretty well, she's actually asked me to lunch with just her and her mom lol.  It was pretty nice and I admire her.

SassyDI, looking back I see several red flags.  The first being before I even met her when she kept grilling DH about me and giving him a list of intrusive questions to ask me lol

There were a lot of little things, like the time she told me I could talk to her whenever I want b/c she goes to therapy a lot and knows how to "do that stuff" 

But the turning point was when she started using my Mothers death as a weapon to hurt me.  Telling DH that I don't know family love b/c I don't have a mother, I'm motherless so I couldn't understand what a marriage was about.  That was the "Apollo, we got a problem here"

OMG my FIL's wife when I was dating told me that I was causing all FIL's health problems.  And if anything every happen to him it would be all my fault.  She denys she ever said it.

Wow, that was heartless of her.  I was just posting almost the same thing, the denial of ever saying it ;)  lol I'm pretty sure she knows she is lying and she knows that everyone else knows she is lying...but it makes it all better just to say it happened differently.

Denial is her middle name.  When DD was first born she came to visit then when thing back fired in her face.  Well her daughter got onto my personal webpage for DD and wrote a message something like "Sorry I wasn't there to welcome you HUGE baby into this world.  Hope you lose all your pregnancy weight."  there was more but I don't remember.  DH called up his dad's wife and she said and I quote(I was listening) "I told her not to be to mean."   But after she denied knowing about it claimed her daughter got onher computer without her knowing. I call BS.  The site was password protected.

Yuck, that is awful SassyDI!  I'm sorry you had to put up with that :( 

I admire your backbone too 1Glitterati. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

AnonymousDIL

Hmmmmmmmm.... What started it?

I was one of those DIL's who had their MIL on a pedestal in the beginning. I was raised in a Christian family, was home-schooled, and all that. My dad was killed tragically just before my 18th b-day. In college (at 21) I went on my first date with a nice guy. Well, long story short we broke up 19 months later over religious differences and his mother (who didn't like that I wasn't a "good little Catholic girl").

A few months later I met DH. We have the same religious views, he was home-schooled as well. So when I first met MIL at a Sunday night FAMILY dinner. I thought, "This is wonderful! They are just like my family." As the months passed, I found out that I couldn't have been more WRONG!!! These "crazy" people lol are nothing like my family. They pretended that they go to church (they don't). Their educational values, well, just not up to the standard set by my mom. And this "family" dinner, was put on for my sake.

Then the SIL worship began. I slowly realized that everything in the house revolved around SIL and SIL's happiness. And, a lot of stuff as a Christian I just don't approve of. (stuff like a teen-age daughter being allowed to have her BF in her room, on her bed with the door closed. Sorry, But if you are supposed to be a godly family, you wouldn't be allowing this IMO).

Then the wedding. As soon as we were engaged, MIL's controling nature came out. EVERY single thing that I wanted with the wedding she manipulated until it was changed. She invited herself along on our honeymoon and we had to cancel it. I think she wants the "happy little family," but her DS is married now and the time for the family vacations is over. Time for her to move on. He isn't a little boy and I am not her new daughter. I am a Grown Woman who is married to her son.

Then, her affair came to light and the last remaining respect that I have for her completely vanished. I put on a happy face for my DH's behalf because I feel that as his wife I should do that for him, but I will never have a close relationship with her. But maybe we can comeday be "friends" (just not confidants).

pam1

It's funny how we all have different trigger points.  None of what you posted would have bothered me Adil, I figure most of that stuff is personal anyway and not really my business.  People's relationship with their gods and how they want to worship is simply not my place to judge. 

The SIL stuff could annoy me but as long as I and those around me were getting respect I'd personally be fine.  That's the core issue I have with my in laws, just plain old lack of respect for another human being.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

holliberri

The annoyances about the wedding and us having it near my place (so I could plan it while DH was in Italy...duh) I managed to get past.

The Christmas where DH got sick (like nearly died) and everyone refused to take him to the hospital (I didn't have a car) for fear of "ruining" Christmas was a trigger point.

Our best friends dying in Italy while we were over here vacationing with MIL and her stomping her foot and crying b/c we were thinking of going back to Italy to both offer and receive support was another one. We bagged that because she cried and I have a husband who is still dealing with guilt 4 years later. Her contention was that parents come before best friends. Certainly, most cases, I can agree, but not only did we lose 2 best friend that day, our remaning best friends had children and wives to care for. We needed to be apart of that support system then, not eve because our friends needed it, but because we needed it.

Add tremendous pressure about  religion, guilt trips because we live near my family, assumptions about the amount of time spent with my family, crocodile tears, basic insensitivity when we were battling subfertility, phone calls consistently while I'm on a date with DH that last for 30 minutes to an hour, disrespect over my parenting choices for DD, ignoring DD's needs when they are contrary to MIL's wants, and the general impression that has been given to me that she woudd prefer to be the parent to DD instead of a GP to the two incidents above...and here I am today.

SassyDI

ADIL what give you the right to judge their relationship with God.  If you were a perfect Christian I don't think you would be judging them. 

AnonymousDIL

Quote from: SassyDI on May 17, 2011, 07:21:33 AM
ADIL what give you the right to judge their relationship with God.  If you were a perfect Christian I don't think you would be judging them.

I must disagree. We are told that when we view others sinning we are to tell them as much. If they continue in their sin, we are to take another member of the church and confront them again. If they continue, they are to be cut off. I know that I am not perfect, but I do have the right to my own opinions. Religion may not be important to you and some of the other ladies on here, but for me it is a critical part of my being. I could not survive without it. If that means I look at the world and see all the wrong in it, so be it. I also openly admit my own shortcomings and "judging" my MIL as a Sinner for having an affair is NOT one of them.

pam1

Quote from: AnonymousDIL on May 17, 2011, 07:36:00 AM
Quote from: SassyDI on May 17, 2011, 07:21:33 AM
ADIL what give you the right to judge their relationship with God.  If you were a perfect Christian I don't think you would be judging them.

I must disagree. We are told that when we view others sinning we are to tell them as much. If they continue in their sin, we are to take another member of the church and confront them again. If they continue, they are to be cut off. I know that I am not perfect, but I do have the right to my own opinions. Religion may not be important to you and some of the other ladies on here, but for me it is a critical part of my being. I could not survive without it. If that means I look at the world and see all the wrong in it, so be it. I also openly admit my own shortcomings and "judging" my MIL as a Sinner for having an affair is NOT one of them.

Is this for other believers of the same religion?  Or do you do that with everyone?  Just curious

I was raised Catholic and we were not taught this at all.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift