MIL and comparisons

[LaurieS]

I would call her TODAY and see about shoring up the time line of upcoming visit..while on the phone I would simply say that this has been bothering  you, and that you would like to discuss it before their visit, and proceed to state your case.  Once she arrives she will know that it's now on the front burner and if she chooses to carry on as if she is still oblivious then you are well within your rights to bring it up.  Hoping that it just stops on it's own is not going to happen.. I believe this is a very bad habit that she has formed and been enabled to continue.   If it really bothers you, only you can voice that feeling.

[lancaster lady]

St:
...If your baby is due in two weeks why put yourself under stress about this . On the other hand ,
if she starts to compare other GC when visiting her new GC she surely is a silly woman !
All the attention should be on the new baby  , and if she does start her comparisons , I think you have
every right to put her in her place .
I wonder why she does this ?
Sometimes I wish we could direct the people who are giving us grief to this forum .....then they would know how to treat
people , especially family ...but then they would find out what we really think ....if only !!   

[LaurieS]

LL.. they would know what we are thinking if we tell them.   I can remember well, how excited I was when each of my kids were about to be born.. and how nervous  I was each time..... if I had to deal with this type of additional unnecessary stress on top of it I would have viewed the situation as being very unfair to me and my immediate family.  It can't hurt to be upfront... but if the mil is left to guess at what is upsetting her dil the situation may never  improve.. it's not fair to form and hold that resentment if you are not willing to speak directly about what is causing it to begin with...   That  is why I believe now.... before the baby comes this  can be nipped...   I'm sure mil will realize if she had not already how her possible innocent intentions are being viewed.. and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt ... if she does not attempt to use great  restraint once at your home, then the views could shift.... I hope for everyone's  sake that she is not aware of how this is sounding to others in the family.

[lancaster lady]

Hope if ST does mention it before the baby's born ,that MIL doesn't take the huff and go of on one .....that's what I would be afraid of .I'm all for communication and talking , but at this delicate time ??
you know what we MIL's are like !

[LaurieS]

I like to think that most mother-in-laws are pretty normal people...who like other normal people do not always realize that they may have done something that someone might have viewed as insensitive.   One good thing, if her mil does become angry, then she may opt not to come immediately after the baby is born... either way the resentment is growing and that is something that only the OP can do anything about.

[pam1]

I think it probably depends on how reasonable you feel your MIL would be during/after the talk.  If you feel it would come better from you or DH or both.  Depending on how long she's been doing it will probably predict how well she will take it, imo.  If it's gone on for a really long time it seems like it's human nature to automatically reject the idea that they've done something wrong and needs to be fixed.

In that case, I would continue reinforcing to my kids that they are special and perhaps talk to them when they are a bit older to say some people are insecure and that's why they feel the need to say hurtful things.

[LaurieS]

I don't know if this is an issue of op's mil being insecure... lacking in conversation maybe, unfair comparisons definitely.  Would it possibly make more sense to have this chapter behind you instead of allowing it to continue until your child is older.. by allowing more time to elapse not only would the OP's anger and resentment continue festering but the child may not be able disengage from what she has been hearing and exposed to for possibly a long time.  Children are intuitive and will pick up on the tension and quite possibly follow their parents choices and views.

To each their own, but I've never tried to overly generalize peoples actions and reactions with my kids.  Sometimes I'm sure problems could be based on insecurities, but also anger, hatred, jealousy, fear, love, ..I guess the list is endless.

I'm all for approaching mil with the attitude that she will understand the concerns.. if she then proves to be unwilling to understand why this is an issue, then you can make some negative assumptions about why she is now knowingly choosing this path.  I just feel that for the sake of the family hoping first that the problems can be worked out without it coming to blows might make for better end results. 

[stilltrying2010]

Laurie - I can appreciate what you have said.  That if I were brought up the conversation it could be dealt with.  With my own MIL, I have some doubts about this. 
My hesitation is based on:
1. my other SIL tried this and she, her kids, and family is REGULARLY the topic of Mil's venom to anyone that will listen. 
2. DH thinks by NOT saying anything he is being respectful, thus if I do I am not.
3. It would not be my choice to have MIL visit at this time.  However, MIL wants to meet the new grandchild (although she has made spoken to our DD a total of 3 times this year).  DH called MIL to tell her when our baby was going to be born & she had to go as GSIL's kids (ages 9 & 14) were over- they are over EVERY day, all the time.  Nothing like watching your DH attempting to share his life altering news with someone who acts as if they could give a darn!  So DH told her she need to speak with her DH about IF they are going to come since it would involve missing one of GSIL's kids bdays, another bday, and Fathers Day (only b/c they insist on driving vs flying and making their trip "worth their $" by staying a REALLY long time).

If it were my choice I would NOT have them visit at all at this time because I can already hear the "your cousins...." "when GSIL's 3rd son was born xyz" and the multiple calls to/from GSIL and her kids.  Or the "gossip" about our DD being a picky eater, doesn't like to play upstairs alone, has a tantrum because of the new baby... I don't need someone criticizing and not helping while adjusting to our new family and recovering.  Does this mean the problem lies with ME?  That I am the insecure one?  I guess I just don't want negative gossip about my family spread to DHs FOO (although we rarely do anything more than exchange Xmas cards with these people).However, MIL wants to come to see her new grandchild so who am I to stop this? 

MIL talks only of GSIL's family, watches her kids more than anyone elses, is an active participant in their lives.  When we visited after not seeing ILs for 2 yrs GSIL's kids spent the night including the 1st night that we were there.  Am I jealous? No, because frankly, I don't want my kids to hear some of the negative things and negative attitudes MIL has.  However, to watch as my DH and DD are passed over and made insignificant because of Mil's attitudes hurts them AND me.  It is OK with us that they are #1 - but could we have just an ounce for OUR family? MIL does this to all DHs sibs EXCEPT GSIL - although I am sure she is paying in other ways.  I find it difficult to accept that she is unaware or that it is totally innocent.

Maybe the problem is more mine than I'd like to claim (50%). I certainly have doubted the whole "Let the DH speak to his FOO" since mine chooses to stay silent our of some filial obligation.

I'm all for approaching mil with the attitude that she will understand the concerns.. if she then proves to be unwilling to understand why this is an issue, then you can make some negative assumptions about why she is now knowingly choosing this path.  I just feel that for the sake of the family hoping first that the problems can be worked out without it coming to blows might make for better end results

in a perfect world

I know this post is kinda all over but wanted to offer up some reasons why I haven't proceeded in the startlingly obvious fashion of open communication.

[pam1]

Some people you can talk to, some people you can't.  I understand where you're coming from, ST.

I've managed to (finally!) have two heart felt conversations with my MIL the past month or so and it's brought up every time she's upset with me now.  That was a quick lesson!

[Sassy]

I am not generally in favor of "big talks" but a gentle "as it happens" approach.  Not correcting or chiding someone, as much as bringing attention to what they're doing, so they can correct themselves.  Saves face and feelings all around.

Another example where this approach works is with the kind of person who interrupts someone when they want to chime in.  Person A is talking, person B rushes to interrupt.  In one on one conversation, I like the type of approach where person A immediately stops talking.  And stays completely silent, even when person B finishes their interruption.  Instead of jumping back in, Person A stays pointedly silent. There will be a moment of awkward silence.  When Person B prompts them, and A asks "Are you finished speaking? I don't want to interrupt you."  Do this once or twice in a conversation, and person B becomes aware to mind her own interruptions, without confrontation or correction.

If time is limited, or in a group situation, a slightly more daring approach would be for person A to say to person B "So sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you", even though it was person B doing the interruption.  If done poltely and not with a snarl, it can save face while setting things straight.  I've seen speakers, leaders, teachers trying to manage a room full of excited interruptions, do this.  It takes a bit more confidence.

That's why for the conversation hijack to comparison city, my favorite is still poohs "confused, thought we were talking about DD" response, or pooh's as a gemnuine inquiry asking MIL what or whom she'd prefer to discuss.  It seems to serve to bring a level of mindfulness to MIL's topics, without challenging, correcting, accusing or confronting her.

[Pen]

Sassy, those are great options. Thanks, I'll be using them soon.

ST, how wonderful you are looking for solutions that won't annihilate your MIL/your relationship. I agree with Laurie, it's too early to assume she's out to get you and your kids. If she proves to be doing so you can change tactics.

Perhaps you could begin the visit or the call by asking about the cousins right from the start? Once the topic is exhausted MIL would be repeating herself if she hijacked your news about your children. I've tried this w/DIL who can turn any discussion into a bragging session about her FOO. I truly am interested in DIL's life, but sometimes I enjoy having a discussion that doesn't include interjections about her incredible, fabulous FOO.

[holliberri]

Oh wow! I think Pen makes a good point...it might be a good idea to allow her a chance to get the excitement she has about the other GKs off of her chest before you talk about your own children. This may avoid comparisons being made because you'll already know all about the other GKs.

[LaurieS]

I agree Sassy.. the big talks often do not help to diffuse most situations... I just saw the time between the baby being born and the visit coming fast. 

ST, I think one of the biggest problems is the fact that you and dh are viewing the situation differently.. while you may both see the outcome of her toting the gsil's kids on the silver platter,  you appear be at opposite ends when it comes to addressing the issue. Keeping mum is not always the most respectful approach when dealing with these types of conflict.. to me once the issue is out there then it will be up to her to try and dance around the issues... there is no reason for you to hold in the growing resentment, anger, and pain.  By making your feelings known you are also now able to set some personal boundaries concerning the conversations especially those which directly involve your daughter.

Yes ST my words that you quoted would be the perfect scenario.  I find my own family in an opposite quandary, as it's the constant spoon feeding of my dil's foo into our lives.  But my first approach did reflect my suggestions, I'm going to give my dil the benefit of the doubt that she too wants a happy relationship.. in our case we have not yet arrive at the end result I was hoping for but it's on the table now and I was able to set my own personal boundaries without guilt. The best part is the fact that my husband and I are united in our decisions.

[LaurieS]

If the gsil's children are that embedded in her mind it might be impossible to have her all talked out about them no matter how long you let her ramble.  This to me is almost equal to trying to have a conversation with my own dd and not have her wedding plans somehow injected... not happening.

[pam1]

Yeah but why is it up to ST to change MIL's bad habits?  lol, I really do not mean that in any other way than genuine.  I know with my FOO I act as a good ambassador between them and DH to make it the most comfortable for all.  Dh would never have to approach them and vs versa, it's awkward and can be embarrassing if they had to.  I know them both better so to me, it makes the most sense for me to smooth waters for all involved.

Even when I don't necessarily agree with DH, I make sure his boundaries are respected and he's not continually put in positions that are awkward for him.  I think whether ST's DH agrees with her or not -- he should be the one to step up and say something.  At least someone should have by now, she didn't get this bad habit out of nowhere lol.  Most people avoid one uppers like the plague.