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My First Post Any and All Responses Appreciated

Started by MoonChild, May 04, 2011, 12:19:52 PM

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alohomora

I use a lot of humour with my family.

*family shows up unannounced*

As you open the door: "OH NO NOT YOU!! Didn't we ask you guys to call first so we would know to hide?? HAHAHAHA! Kidding, luckily we're not doing anything right now, but if you'd arrived an hour from now we would have been out as we have to do ABC things today, so just forwarning. CALL NEXT TIME! Allright what can I get you to drink?"

My personality is very much like this - won't work for everyone but it doesn't seem to have hurt anyone's feelings. My MIL always calls us in the middle of dinner - I told her a few times, finally just told her we're not answering the phone anymore during our meal as its one of the only quiet times of the day we get alone together. So we stopped answering. she calls later now :)

Pen

Welcome, MoonChild! I'd love to hear the romantic Woodstock story sometime  ;) (not if it betrays your privacy of course.)

You sound like a wonderful daughter and FDIL. It was refreshing on our end, too, to read that you had gained insight from reading our posts - love the puppies analogy too, Muffin! I'm sure you'll get many offers to be adopted by MILs here (me first!) Your questions are good ones, and I know you'll get a lot of well-thought out answers.

I don't know what you can do about the drop-ins as DH & I have never done such a thing & would never consider it. I like all the suggestions, but Alohomora's is hilarious! Love it!

Regarding envy about the amount of time you and FDH spend with your parents, I can totally relate. You seem to be doing a good job keeping FDH's parents in the loop, though...my DS's time is planned by DIL and she is extremely close to her FOO, so that's where they spend most of their time. I will admit to being envious, especially around my birthday (which happens to fall very close to DIL's DF's bday) and other celebrations.

As a non-hovering, non-buttinsky MIL I'd like to be allowed the occasional visit with DS w/o DIL just as DIL's DM has w/DIL. DH & I would like to be treated as if we matter, too, when family events and celebrations are planned. When DS/DIL mention stuff that they've done or are planning to do with DIL's FOO, I probably put out less-than-enthusiastic vibes...I tend to say, "Ohh, that's ..nice..." before getting quiet and looking away, hoping I'm hiding my envy. But we have a really lopsided situation, whereas you and FDH seem to be aware of the potential for hurt feelings in that area.

Glad you're here!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri

MoonChild,

I finally read your story. I think you've thought a lot about this!

Proximity is a difficult subject for ILs, I think. I can relate to your story: DF lives 3 blocks away from me (I drug DH back here...iI was sick of moving and was homesick), while my mom lives 45 minutes away...meanwhile DH's parents are 15 hours away by car. This has caused problems with the ILs. They assume that since I am so close by to my family that I must be with them all the time. I see dad for an hour once a week or so, and he never stops by. I don't stop by his house either. I haven't seem mom in about 3 weeks. It's also been exactly 3 weeks since I've seen my ILs, and we'll be spending this weekend with them. Try convincing them that the time spent with each family is fair though. I do wonder if it's not the time factor they have a problem with but moreso the convenience.

My guess is that it's an adjustment, and you're doing more than your fair share of keeping it on a level playing field (as I said, 45 minutes is a hike for me...I often go 2 months before I see my mom...I can't imagine doing that every week).

I think it sounds like you are well on your way with an amicable relationship with EVERYONE in your family.

Pen

We now have a MoonChild and a CrystalBall....very 60's, very new age. What does this portend, pray tell?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

Seriously, if you decide to change your mind....I still have one son that isn't married!  ;D

Welcome!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

themuffin

Quote from: Pooh on May 04, 2011, 08:01:07 PM
Seriously, if you decide to change your mind....I still have one son that isn't married!  ;D

Welcome!

Back off, Pooh!  I have two sons available!  :P

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MoonChild

Good Morning to everyone, and thank you for all of your thoughtful responses. I really like the suggestions of using humour if anyone decides to come over and we are caught off guard, we are a pretty animated and sarcastic group so I think that using a humorous approach will make everyone more at ease.

I had a thought just last night as I was thinking about some of the things I wrote of and BF and I were discussing the front door = bedroom door aspect; we both came to realize that it is interesting how, when put into the situation of the unexpected arrival we each react differently depending on whom is at the door. For example if someone rings the doorbell and I go to answer the door (I am so bad about using the peephole to see who is there) and if it happens to be BF's parents then the first thought that pops into my head is: Ummmmm, what are you guys doing here (in an annoyed and protective manner); but if it happens to be my parents my first thought is: Oh, HI guys I wasn't expecting you, what's up?!(in a very nonchalant manner). And of course for BF it is quite the same in that he is much less annoyed if it was his parents as opposed to mine. We lived with our parents for at least 18 years so we are more comfortable with them in our personal space unexpectedly but when it is someone else, even someone you are close to like BF's parents they still don't have those 18 years of close quarter living, learning each other's good and bad habits and the ins and outs of each others lives. For example I would not mind if my parents were to show up and the kitchen was a mess, however if BF's parents were to show up and the kitchen was a mess I would be nervous and scared that they would see this mess and think that I am not taking care of our house. Once again this nervousness stems from the self-imposed pressure to be good, but I wonder if perhaps maybe some MIL/FMIL  may have received a poor reaction from the DIL/FDIL during an arrival is because like myself she may be putting this pressure on herself and upon your arrival she reacts defensively because she is nervous and scared.

Something else I thought of yesterday was, do we sometimes choose the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong manner in which we choose to have and discuss the more sensitive subjects about boundaries and relationships with our MIL/FMILs and DIL/FDILs? Everyone has different levels of comfort and if we engage others when they are out of their comfort zone they can sometimes feel attacked and react aggressively.  Yesterday I was going to see my Mom while BF was at work and I had some free time that evening and I wanted to discuss an argument we had over the phone the other day, I must say I was scared because I didn't want any feelings to get hurt. So when I arrived I was so grateful that instead of sitting down at the table and having a discussion like a business meeting my Mom had a little cheese and cracker tray set up and suggested that we go out onto the deck and talk. It put me at ease, we sat in the lounge chairs on the deck  with the dogs and cats all playing in the yard and really got to enjoy each other's company; we both knew that we wanted to clear the air but we didn't jump right into that conversation. We ease or way into it when the conversation turned that direction; I realized then that FMIL had actually done the same thing once: we never had an argument but she did want to just talk with me one on one just to get to know me, but instead of sitting me down or even taking me to coffee she asked if we could cook together. She always finds a way to talk with me one on one while we do things together that we both like to do putting us both at ease. She knows that I love to cook so she will ask if I want to help her make dinner, she knows that I like art and enjoy learning new crafts so we will talk over doing crafts, or she knows that I have fun going thrift store perusing/shopping so we will go to the local thrift stores and try to find funny things there to try on. So I wonder perhaps if we were to talk about sensitive issues in a less dramatic or serious manner it might put everyone at ease and allow everyone to be more open to the discussions? For me it does.

The Woodstock story goes along the lines of: They actually grew up in the same town and had never met. They both attended Woodstock and met each other there and completely hit it off, but BF's father was deployed to Vietnam right after that. Upon returning home from the war he sought her out and they have been together ever since.

MoonChild I suppose came from my love of 60s and 70s culture. While my Mom is conservative she did grow up during the 60s and 70s in SF, her first job was on Haight Street even. Both BF and I were raised in households filled with the sounds of The Beach Boys, The Beatles, CCR, Kansas, Joplin, Hendrix, The Doors, etc. I am actually a Leo so I am ruled by the sun, but I love the term MoonChild because I am reminded just how vast the universe and the world we live in are when I look at the moon, it is a constant reminder that we are ALL playing a part in this life and each of us matter.

Pen

Thanks, MoonChild, love the sweet story. Your post is great, lots of wisdom. I now realize that I too have different reactions to visits, drop-in or otherwise, that include DIL (nervous, she's quite critical) or just DS (relaxed, he knows our lifestyle.) I always express regret that DIL can't join us, but there's a little part of me that's relieved, I'm ashamed to admit.

I don't know what will help us since DIL isn't around much, but your suggestions to find common interests and talk while in a low-anxiety environment are spot on. You're quite a gem, MC. Your MIL is lucky to have you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Donna

Hello MoonChild - you are so young and so precious and so wise to have found this site, for insight and growth.  Whether it be your FIL or MIL or your own M and F, just honor them equally.  If either are upset, send a little card of love, a hand print of your child, just keep sending love, as love is so precious.  Take on no one's baggage, just be happy and embracing.  I am glad Pen wrote you and others about humor as humor is so important.  The only way to become more comfortable with each others parents is to spend the time to be more comfortable and letting go of expectations you believe they may have of you, and just be you.  The same goes for your husband, he has a belief they have some kind of expectation of him, and they may have, however he can only be who he is, and once the two of you come to realize this, the door will be opened without looking through the peephole, and there will be no anxiety at all; it will be come on in, we were getting cozy, but that can come later, as you are here, and we love to see ya tell me more about ? when he/she was growing up, I want to know everything, as that makes me understand you more and you are important to me.  I am giggling as last Xmas my DIL dropped in, and I ended up giving her a salmon to take to her mother who is the X to my husband as in 30 years ago, lol.  She loved it.  Keep adding gold and silver threads to your tapestry you knit in life, and you will be just fine.  Welcome to Wisewomen - you are already a wise woman, you are here.  Blessings  donna

Tara

Hello Moonchild,

Welcome to WWU.  I appreciate the way you have shared your life and also your concerns.  I agree that you have
wisdom and are very thoughtful and kind.  These fine character traits will facilitate more growth as time goes on. 

You talked about several different issues but one that I wanted to respond to is dh's parents dropping by unexpectedly.
Two things came to mind:  1)  I was wondering if his parents dropping by w/o calling might possibily have any cultural elements to
it?  Some cultures  are more familiar in these kinds of ways.  I recall a friend who was studying in Central America and
saying that she loved how you can drop by someones house and visit w/o calling first. 

2)  re:  the dropping by I wonder you would feel authentic and able to tell your Ils that you are very concerned that you may have other plans and if they drop by you would feel  uncomfortable about having to say you have to leave.  Also, is it true to
your and dh inner truth that you really only want your parents & his to give you 10 minutes notice before they drop
by?  It sounds, if I am reading your post accurately, that you would like a call and an option to say 'not today' we have
other plans (like working in the garden or studying for a class)   That does seem unreasonable at all.  Is it possible you in your trying to be a good dil and family member that you are selling yourself a little short?  (I could be completely mis-reading this and
am just meeting you.)  Also, a question:  when your il's come to town do they come for other reasons than just to visit you and dh?

I really appreciate your articulating a way to approach conflict in a 'less serious and dramatic manner".  I have experienced
something like this myself.  As a younger woman (I'm 66 now) I was much more dramatic, less skillful and just put
issues right out on the table so to speak.  Now I often try to 'wait for the right moment' which is a more intuitive approach.
I love cooking with others, so that sounds great!  One of our members has shared that she will go on little trips with her
children when they need to talk, that way they don't have to look at each other and there is time to talk when the time is
right.

I used to live at the San Francisco Zen Center which is right around the corner from Haight Ashbury. 

Welcome and many blessings Moonchild