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Nervous about first visit with grand daughters and dils/ds

Started by Tara, May 12, 2011, 12:11:50 AM

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holliberri

Quote from: Scoop on May 13, 2011, 05:29:51 AM
"That sounds like something you would say"

Scoop...LOL...do you think this is a neutral line?

I use that when I'm in a passive aggressive mood. Does it depend on the delivery?

Seriously, though, I do think expecting the worst isn't always productive when you're dealing with a human. You can't know what the worst will be. In which case, practicing responses seems ideal...your responses would be general enough to be applied to many different scenarios. I think that might be best. After all, I suppose it's only our reactions we can control

Pooh

I think we also had another thread discussing when people used the  "oh well" and how many people found that condescending?
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS


Quote from: Scoop on May 13, 2011, 05:29:51 AM
"That sounds like something you would say"

I can see Scoop calling that neutral :)

The phrases 'oh well' and 'whatever' yeah those don't go over to well either.  Tara I do agree, don't dwell on the worse case scenario.. when you go to a movie theater and are about to seat yourself, we tend to glance for the exit signs... just in case  there is an emergency but then you go on to enjoy the movie without another thought.  You already have your safe harbor so no need to allow any darkness ruin your first meeting with your grandchildren.



Scoop

Ah but "That sounds like something you would say" is the PERFECT answer!

If the person INTENDED it as something nice, then it means "Oh you're so sweet, you always say sweet things!".  If the person intended it as a dig, then it's a case of "You're mean and you say mean things."  So, if you say "That sounds like something you would say", then you get to see exactly what the person intended.  And if they get mad, you can even explain that YOU didn't say anything bad.

As for "oh well" - imagine if Tara's DIL came out with some edict "Thou shalt only see the babies at my Mom's house."  - now, Tara has 2 options 1) she says something out of anger / disappointment  (or says NOTHING and builds up some resentment) or 2) she says "Oh well" and leaves it hanging.  This gives her a few seconds to come up with an answer: "maybe next time we'll get some time with just us and you guys" or "if that's what it takes, I'm just excited to meet these little ladies!"

My point was that Tara's DIL will likely NOT throw the curve ball that Tara is trying to anticipate.  It will be a completely DIFFERENT curve ball.  So instead of giving her the advice of saying "If that's what it takes, I'm just excited to meet these little ladies", I wanted to give her the advice of saying " oh well" or something similar, to buy her time to think of a response to DIL saying something like "You have to wear a hospital isolation suit to handle the babies".

holliberri

I don't think what you say in response anything to do with the intention behind what the other person says. I'm pretty sensitive, and I interpret a lot of  what other people say to be a swipe at me when it may or may not be. Leaving me to do the guess work about what I might or might not have said and and how exactly you interpreted my words isn't really neutral. It invalidates my feelings on the topic (whatever I said) and it actually closes communication. I think that would in turn, make DIL (however awful she might be) a little more willing to take jabs at me. I'm not sure it leaves much room for understanding and it might give the person I'm communicating with reason not to see things my way.

Pen

I've had a little practice dealing with zingers out of left field. My SM is brilliant, manipulative & calculating. She loves to catch me when I'm busy or distracted. A dear friend suggested saying, "I'll get back to you in a minute" or "Let me think about that" before leaving the room (ostensibly to fetch something or use the rr?) for some reflection time away from the source of stress. I return when I've come up with a thoughtful, confident response or have a strategy to redirect and avoid the issue entirely.

Game playing obviously is not my forte. IMO, some of the people we must deal with are really good at it and somehow know they've got a sucker. We need to be able to deflect their attempts to engage us in hopeless cycles that most likely will cause frustration and sorrow.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

elsieshaye

Here's how I envision detachment working with the curve balls:

Whatever she does, go into it with the attitude of "I want to see my granddaughters - anything else that happens is beside the point, and is just background noise."  Letting yourself indulge in the what if scenarios just ramps up your anxiety, but doesn't actually give you any concrete tools or solutions to manage the actual events.  It makes it more likely that you'll react in a way you later wish you hadn't, because you'll be acting out of anxiety and pre-loaded anger.  If you can go into it with an attitude of curiosity and acceptance, "this will be interesting, I wonder what will happen" and "she'll do whatever she does, and it's all ok", or as close to that as you can come, it will make the whole thing less fraught and angsty.  Because, really, you have zero control over her actions and decisions, and no expectation you have will really be accurate or prepare you for what actually happens.  It might help if one of your meditations involves "all is well, no matter what happens" and some loving kindness towards yourself.  No matter what happens, no matter what she asks of you, you will be ok.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

holliberri

Pen,

It's not mine either. I can't do it, and I don't like it when people do it to me. I usually need a time out.

Elsie, that seems like a really prudent approach. I think that is what helped me survive Mother's Day. It didn't matter what happened, it really didn't.


Pooh

I think that's great advice Elsieshaye...although this coming from the girl that always had a GF on alert to call during a date to see if I needed an exit strategy  :D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

holliberri

Quote from: Pooh on May 13, 2011, 08:13:12 AM
I think that's great advice Elsieshaye...although this coming from the girl that always had a GF on alert to call during a date to see if I needed an exit strategy  :D
In the words of Snookie

"You can't live without girlfriends."

I've found this to be true.

And what is the matter with an exit strategy?

luise.volta

One thing is clear, you aren't going alone. The whole Tribe is going with you! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Tara

That is heartening Luise.

I couldn't live w/o my girlfriends (or sister friends)  either.

I'm appreciating this dialogue amongst my sisters.

Pooh

Well WWU Tribe would definately fit in with our WWU war calls!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

jill

Hi Tara,
Lots of wonderful advice here, I don't have anything to add, I hope everything goes well and you have a great time, be sure to enjoy those beautiful little girls.
I am going to be faced with a somewhat similar situation next weekend, it is gd's birthday party and I will have to confront odd after 3 months of not speaking.  She will not treat me badly in front of her inlaws, but who knows what she will say afterwards.
Anyway Tara, best wishes.............Jill