Nervous about first visit with grand daughters and dils/ds

[lancaster lady]

I think Tara will find it very difficult to say anything to her DIL after receiving a poison pen letter .
She has hinted that she will b e cordial towards Tara , so I would be as equally cordial .
I would take gifts for the babies , they are your Grandchildren .As I said before a short visit each time and
focus , if you're allowed , on your GK's .
I found my DIL was distant on our first visit , and busied herself around the house . which suited me as I could spend
time with my GD . I think your DIL will be equally as nervous as you , breaking the ice will be difficult .
After the first few minutes , it will be fine .
Why invite you otherwise ?

[LaurieS]

Tara.... sounds like you have a game plan   But really don't get hung up in over evaluating this.  The goal is to meet your granddaughters, and spend sometime positive time with both your son and your dil... I think you out of all the people here can achieve that goal.  Have faith in "you" Tara.

[Pooh]

Tara, what if you didn't bring any gift with you, and just waited until you got there and asked DIL if there is something they need that you could take her to get or go get for them while you were there?   

Oh bless your heart over the black mold.  That has to be horrible to deal with.

[luise.volta]

Stop it, Laurie. Stop it, now!

[Keys Girl]

Just a thought, I would bring a small gift for the babies and then a gift card to a large retailer.  She can spend the funds on whatever she wants for the babies and not be in a position to be critical of any gift that is brought.  I would never give cash to anyone who sent me a poison pen letter, the cynic in me says that it would be used for anything other than baby items.

Another thought is to open up an account for their college fund, but not tell anyone about it.  Leave instructions in your will to have a lawyer disburse the funds to the college if necessary, but make sure no funds are funneled to the poison pen writer.

Good luck, it must be awful to be on pins and needles with those babies, but if push comes to shove, you can join my trip to an orphanage in a remote, dusty and dirty country to hold a few babies, likely orphans.

[holliberri]

I see I'm a little late to the party, but anyhow, I hope we can follow Keys' and Pooh's lead and get this topic back on track to supporting Tara. She's certainly always been able to find a way to offer support to all of us when we needed it. If not, I will lock it and open a new one for her.

I see the apologies, the reasons for the apologies and the personal feelings behind all of this as totally irrelevant when it comes to Tara's situation.

[Scoop]

Tara - I actually went back and found your posting about the poison pen letter.

I think you should go with the attitude that you've both done some hurtful things and that, without re-hashing the past, you're going to go forward cautiously.

For the food issue, I think you have to do your homework and find a take-out place near their house to supply you with food.  I would not expect them to take babies out to a restaurant (that's just too hard, especially with 2).  And if your DS hasn't asked you what you can eat, then it doesn't look like he's thinking about it (or worried about it).  DIL probably has too many other things on her plate to worry about - TWINS!  Eeek - I can't even imagine!

Whenever I have to bring a problem to someone's attention, I try to always bring a solution too.  SO in this case, you're telling DS that you have a problem with certain foods, but that the solution is just a phone call away.

There's no reason to discuss politics.  If it comes up, let them talk ... there's no use rolling in the mud with a pig, you'll both get dirty, but only the pig will enjoy himself.

As for religion, since you know more about theirs, then go with that.  Ask when they're going to have the girls Christened and praise their selection of Godparents.

I think that if you treat her like an acquaintance you can't go wrong.  It might be perceived as 'pushy' if you try to go for more than that.  So talk to her like you would talk to your hairdresser. 

Talk about the royal wedding (was she up with the babies while it was on?)
Talk about the awful weather & flooding that's been going on (Thank Goodness the rivers have crested!)
Talk about some of the 'different' customs / food in India (Foreigners!  Aren't they weird? j/k!)
Talk about the babies (Does DIL have any baby pictures of her own so we can see the resemblance?  Although, they already look like her!  Especially around the eyes/mouth/upper face/lower face.  Look how alert they are!  Aren't they just the most precious babies ever?)

ASIDE:  What was the gift DIL send back?  If we know what it is, maybe we can help you think of another type of gift to give.

I feel badly for you Tara, because I can see that your DIL *does* have the power here and it's hard to work around someone who's trying to be "like that".

Keep us posted!

[elsieshaye]

Tara, this is when the Buddhist compassionate detachment and metta practice may help a lot.  Not that it will change your DIL, but maybe give you a good cushion of peace to be able to ride through the weekend in, regardless of what she does. I think it's awesome that you are planning other things to do while down there, so that no matter what she does, you won't just be sitting in your hotel room fretting.  Sending you lots of support and warmth.

[Nana]

Tara

Just be the beautiful person you are.  Do not change that.  Be positive and disregard any negative comment.  Remember "Takes two to Tango".  I would only act natural and not be over-anxious....trying to please her.  Doesnt work this way, believe me.  I remember (long time ago) the harder I tried to buy dil's love (yes I was trying to buy her affection, I confess) the harder she pushed, and that left me with a sad empty feeling in my heart.   

Being the way you are Tara...everything will turn out just fine.  If it doesnt.....you will at least have peace knowing that you did the best you could, under the circumstances.

Love you

[LaurieS]

Tara.... sounds like you have a game plan   But really don't get hung up in over evaluating this.  The goal is to meet your granddaughters, and spend sometime positive time with both your son and your dil... I think you out of all the people here can achieve that goal.  Have faith in "you" Tara.

I did not want this to get lost Tara.. so I'm repeating it... good talking to you today.. get that mold problem taken care of .. that can sure be nasty stuff

[Tara]

I'm so grateful for your wise suggestions

Scoop, I love some of the topics you brought up to discuss and idea to get some food to bring, they have a
trader joes in the area and they have lots of food I like.  The gift my DIL sent back was a beautiful pair of
hand made earrings (in good taste and one of her two favorite colors)

Keys Girl,  good idea, Sm gift for girls and a gift card.  Also, Poohs Idea of getting a gift when there and have
had a chance to talk to dil and also get the lay of the land is a good option.

Luise, I read your post to my dh and he agreed, me too and that may be where we are headed.  I does feel
like it cold be an emotional slaughter house yet again and we will be on their terms, but then maybe there
is a possibility to have a distant but connected relationship.  My therapist says I have an issue of 'wishful thinking'

Elsieshaye:  Yes, good suggestions about mindfulness, detachment and metta/compassionate.  Also, meditation
and some yoga to stay on center.

One of the things I'm afraid of is that DIL  will do something weird like say I can only visit them at her parents house
or sisters house nearby.  I realize that this is possibly totally fear based thinking, but she has come out of left field
on attack in ways that I would have never guessed...I kind of feel like Luise's approach should probably be implemented at that point, that maybe its just better to go home.  Am I off base?  I recognize that this may be catastrophic thinking.

And someone suggested treating her like an acquaintance.  Good idea, being in the therapy business, I'm so used to be intimate with people, it just comes naturally.  My own therapist thinks part of the problem is that I am a therapist and that I will "see her" and her issues, so a more relaxed but not intimate approach seems good if I can keep remembering this..    I'm going to print out all your thoughts and bring them  Everyone I feel so blessed to have you as friends and community.

[Tara]

Thanks for your supportive words, Laurie and Nana.

[luise.volta]

We all have an issue with wishful thinking! Why wouldn't we hope and dream for better days/ We just can't sell out for them. Sending love...

[Tara]

Thanks for reminding me that.  Very grounding

[Scoop]

Tara - one of the lessons I've learned with my MIL, is that you can't prepare for the "out of left field" things they throw at you.  If you don't think like that, you can't make yourself think like them.  So if you're preparing yourself for DIL to say that you can only visit at her M or S's house, she's going to throw something COMPLETELY different at you.

So stop giving yourself grief by trying to second guess her.  I'm sure it hurts you to think of DIL insisting that you visit at her M or S's house, but, in this case, this is something you're doing to yourself.

Instead, you should practice a few neutral lines, so that whatever she throws at you, you can shrug and say:

"I beg your pardon?"
"Maybe next time"
"That sounds like something you would say"
"Well that's one way to put it"
"Oh well"

Now, I wonder why she returned the earrings?  That seems weird to me.  It's her issue though, not yours.