I Don't Have the Energy to Continue Nor Cry Any Longer

[Donna]

So Glad I started typing in dysfunction into Google, after the last couple of weeks, let alone years.  Raised without the support payments nor my share of the 17 years put into the marriage my children, only to have them as young adults treat me like dirt.  I have a daughter whose cup is never full, and loves me when it's in her manipulative interest, which means she is getting married, and now my only dream was to have my son and daughter close, and she has manipulated my son close.  Little did I know with my husband, not their father who they call pops and who has been sooo good to both of them, had his right kidney removed April 11, most aggressive cancer, we won the lotto, there was enough margin it did not get to brain, bone, lungs etc.  We have a business which I ran and ran to the hospital at night.  My son who lives 600 miles away told me family should be with family, so I sent him an airticket as he was to help me with the business.  We have a small home, so I bought a fifth wheel so he could have privacy for two weeks, and I have the ability to get vehicles together, so I had a tracker for him to drive.  Looking forward to his help.  His help came in the form, of visiting his sister, having guests arrive from where he lives by car 600 miles away to dump in the fifth wheel, to making a movie of me without my teeth as I have recently had them pulled, to which when I objected, he put three pressure point holds on me which were excruciatingly painful, there were so many things, and amongst it all his relationship with his sister was blossoming which I was happy about, but did not realize it was blossoming through the commonality of dissing me.  My daughter whose cup is never full presently is angry with me as she is getting married this January, 2012.  She wanted me to wedding dress shopping with her two months ago, I did.  She picked out a $3000 dollar wedding dress, but I did not feel with this being March I was going to invest my money into something of next January, as my husband and I had decided we would get them a hot tub for their wedding after they married.  I have always been manipulated, and she has always screamed at me, and lately I have been telling her, if she continues I will stop and we won't continue, and she then starts over, but as in the case of the wedding dress, when she is not successeful with her manipulation I pay another way.  This time it was to destroy what was a decent relationship with my adult son.  I am glad I came across this site, as I am not alone.  I come to understand Adult Children can be very nasty.  I have now received a voice mail insisting on a telephone conference to apologize as my son did not return from his holiday (hisfriends arrived and they took off) with my trcker and he did not return until 3 hours prior to having to go to the airport.  I simply can not think of what there is to apologize for.  Her threat is, she doesn't want people who don't like her at her wedding.  Well perhaps the help I need at this point, as there are so many other things that happened and I just feel too tired to even write about them, is the will to want to mnend this, as at present I have no will, I have no desire, I just want a peaceful life whout the chaos, without the dysfunction and without the drama queen episodes.  I don't ever believe I will (when I had previously trusted implicityly my son) ever after he physically hurt me be able to trust to be around him again.  He actually said to me, if pops dies, we know how to make your life short, and we will get what we want.  I was horrified.  Initially I was devastated, hurt; but now I just see no point believing there is such a thing as a happy family.   I have already chosen someone to look after my health needs if I will require this, as I am afriad of both of my children, I am 62 and spent the last 27 years raising them , getting them educated, putting up with their growing pains, and for this.  This is not what I thought would be in a million years, and have realized there is nature and nurture, and all along I was nurturing nature, as neither have anything of me in them.  I would never do to another what they have done.  I should be shamed, but I am not, it's their life, and this is their choice.  My only thoughts are why have I realizing this so quickly, and hae not spent years in tears, is it the past years of tears, and I have cried enough I ask myself, or have I finally had my eyes opened wide and saw what is and know this is not what I had dreamt of.  My life is full of people who love me, care for me, admire me, I help many young people, who can not do enough for me, and of this they are jealous as well.  A few months back I sent money to help a young girl whose great grandfather had helped me years ago, without his help I would not have had a job to feed my two; she needed help so I sent money.  Her mother said thank you on facebook.  My daughter said to me how wrong I was, why didn't I send that money to a pet society.  I was shocked.  First of all it's my money and my choice, second of all she is a nurse, and has the compassion of a monitor dragon in Sumatra.  I guess some people will think I am cold, and I am not, I am just tired, so tired of trying and getting my heart sliced and being used.  So much has happened, just too much maybe.  I grew up in a world that said please and thank you had gratitude and respect, all values I believed I was passing on, but the joke was on me.

[Donna]

So Glad I started typing in dysfunction into Google, after the last couple of weeks, let alone years.  Raised without the support payments nor my share of the 17 years put into the marriage my children, only to have them as young adults treat me like dirt.  I have a daughter whose cup is never full, and loves me when it's in her manipulative interest, which means she is getting married, and now my only dream was to have my son and daughter close, and she has manipulated my son close.  Little did I know with my husband, not their father who they call pops and who has been sooo good to both of them, had his right kidney removed April 11, most aggressive cancer, we won the lotto, there was enough margin it did not get to brain, bone, lungs etc.  We have a business which I ran and ran to the hospital at night.  My son who lives 600 miles away told me family should be with family, so I sent him an airticket as he was to help me with the business.  We have a small home, so I bought a fifth wheel so he could have privacy for two weeks, and I have the ability to get vehicles together, so I had a tracker for him to drive.  Looking forward to his help.  His help came in the form, of visiting his sister, having guests arrive from where he lives by car 600 miles away to dump in the fifth wheel, to making a movie of me without my teeth as I have recently had them pulled, to which when I objected, he put three pressure point holds on me which were excruciatingly painful, there were so many things, and amongst it all his relationship with his sister was blossoming which I was happy about, but did not realize it was blossoming through the commonality of dissing me.  My daughter whose cup is never full presently is angry with me as she is getting married this January, 2012.  She wanted me to wedding dress shopping with her two months ago, I did.  She picked out a $3000 dollar wedding dress, but I did not feel with this being March I was going to invest my money into something of next January, as my husband and I had decided we would get them a hot tub for their wedding after they married.  I have always been manipulated, and she has always screamed at me, and lately I have been telling her, if she continues I will stop and we won't continue, and she then starts over, but as in the case of the wedding dress, when she is not successeful with her manipulation I pay another way.  This time it was to destroy what was a decent relationship with my adult son.  I am glad I came across this site, as I am not alone.  I come to understand Adult Children can be very nasty.  I have now received a voice mail insisting on a telephone conference to apologize as my son did not return from his holiday (hisfriends arrived and they took off) with my tracker and he did not return until 3 hours prior to having to go to the airport.  I simply can not think of what there is to apologize for.  Her threat is, she doesn't want people who don't like her at her wedding.  Well perhaps the help I need at this point, as there are so many other things that happened and I just feel too tired to even write about them, is the will to want to mnend this, as at present I have no will, I have no desire, I just want a peaceful life whout the chaos, without the dysfunction and without the drama queen episodes.  I don't ever believe I will (when I had previously trusted implicityly my son) ever after he physically hurt me be able to trust to be around him again.  He actually said to me, if pops dies, we know how to make your life short, and we will get what we want.  I was horrified.  Initially I was devastated, hurt; but now I just see no point believing there is such a thing as a happy family.   I have already chosen someone to look after my health needs if I will require this, as I am afriad of both of my children, I am 62 and spent the last 27 years raising them , getting them educated, putting up with their growing pains, and for this.  This is not what I thought would be in a million years, and have realized there is nature and nurture, and all along I was nurturing nature, as neither have anything of me in them.  I would never do to another what they have done.  I should be shamed, but I am not, it's their life, and this is their choice.  My only thoughts are why have I realizing this so quickly, and have not spent years in tears, is it the past years of tears, and I have cried enough I ask myself, or have I finally had my eyes opened wide and saw what is and know this is not what I had dreamt of.  My life is full of people who love me, care for me, admire me, I help many young people, who can not do enough for me, and of this they are jealous as well.  A few months back I sent money to help a young girl whose great grandfather had helped me years ago, without his help I would not have had a job to feed my two; she needed help so I sent money.  Her mother said thank you on facebook.  My daughter said to me how wrong I was, why didn't I send that money to a pet society.  I was shocked.  First of all it's my money and my choice, second of all she is a nurse, and has the compassion of a monitor dragon in Sumatra.  I guess some people will think I am cold, and I am not, I am just tired, so tired of trying and getting my heart sliced and being used.  So much has happened, just too much maybe.  I grew up in a world that said please and thank you had gratitude and respect, all values I believed I was passing on, but the joke was on me.

[holliberri]

Hi Donna,

Welcome to WWU. You've been through a lot...I am glad you have a support system surrounding you. Hopefully, we will become an extension of that support system.

When you get a chance, please read through our Forum Agreement under "Open Me First." You may have already done that though. 

I hope we can help in some way. Again, welcome.

[Pooh]

Welcome Donna.  Wow, what a lot to have gone through.  So sorry that you are dealing with all of this.  Hang in there and keep reading and writing.

[luise.volta]

Hi, Donna, this is a good place to be heard and find support and it's a good place to help others. Welcome.

[Rose799]

Hello & welcome to WWU,

No, the joke is not on you, Donna.  And you're not alone...  Many of us are also struggling with our dc.  You've stumbled to the right place though, as you will find strength, understanding & support here. 

[jill]

Hi Donna and welcome, so glad you found us, there are many wise women here, the title of your post caught my eye.  It is exactly how I feel.  Best wishes..........Jill

[Pen]

Welcome, Donna. We're here for you.

[Donna]

Thank you for embracing me.  I feel numb to the core.  I don't believe there is any thing else to do but shut the door to what I gave my life to.   When I was very young (12) my sister (16) was killed, this was back in 1963.  There was no grief counselling, nothing, so mother had a nervous breakdown, and father drank and I stood in and did the parenting.  I finished school at 16, and somehow got out of Dodge.  I never knew what abandonment was, and for all my life I struggled as to why my siblings hate me so, bless my dad he didn't, but my mom was very cruel and egged the siblings on.  It took me years to figure out I had abandoned them, and they never got over it.  They never helped, they hindered my awful hurtful painful divorce and egged it onward.  They have involved themselves only now as adults into these two adult children's lives, and the hate lives on.  I never before checked out friends on facebook, I did this tonight, and was amazed.  I now know I have lost them forever.  My daughter is about show, and she wants her wedding in Las Vegas.  The numbers are higher if I don't go.  Figuring this all out nauseates me even more, now I understand the push push for the wedding dress.  It matters not how far away I move from them their joy is in how they can torment me, make me suffer.  But this time it is so different.  No tears, no sense of loss, not even angry, I just don't want to be near any of them, the puzzle starts to come together, and even the old wounds are not weeping.  So long so many years so many attempts only to be slaughtered, I decided 4 years ago, no more, and now I have figured out the puzzle.  As adult children they know, so sad, as forgive them I can, but want to be with them I will never.  I have a good husband after so many years of despair, their joy would have been the cancer to take him.  On this one I feel I have God in my corner.  After I wrote today, I went and listened to the last chapter of the Shack, a very sad story, a painful story, but a story of renewed faith, understanding and forgiveness.  Over the years I had many women who mentored me, who were older and wiser, and would listen to my tears of pain, of not understanding, but now I am older and I now understand all that has happened, and that when people are bent towards misery, it doesn't matter how much one wants to avoid it, they will find a way to usurp themselves into your life, and try to destroy you.  I guess I have cried for 62 years, and those tears were of no value, so why cry any longer, accept what they want, for one does not fight for love.   All those years of raising my children I did so alone, to not confuse them, I finally found my soul mate 7 years ago.  I wish I could be angry, but I have never been an angry person, I wish I could be full of revenge, but that also is not I, I wish I could have a sense of loss, but how can you feel loss of cruelty that was so blatant, a 26 year old son putting pressure holds on his 62 year old mother, I have to be another person and look at it from the outside in, and it disgusts me; I would tell that mother, no stay away from him, he is not worthy and yet it is my own son, ironic is it not?

Jill I haven't found your story, but I will, and will find out why you can not cry any longer.  I was amazed with what I did read, that adult children (sorry, I think I am in the wrong category, as these are not in law children, but my own, that they can be so cruel, and it seems so normal to them.  My own mother was so mean to me, so cruel, after my sister died, she would hit me on the head with pans and scream, I wish you were dead, she would beat me with pieces of wood for the stove, strange as she would do so, and I would not cry, and she would say, I will make you cry, but I never did, not in front of her.  Somehow I survived all of these years, and tho I have buried her in my mind, as she still lives, all of those years passed and I have never raised my voice to her, never lifted a finger to her, never hurt her ever.  When she needed things, as when my dad got killed, I came and I buried him, and then I settled her estate, leaving her well provided for by my dad, but the siblings over the years have usurped it all.  She has a miserable life, as she is hostage to them, and all that she has those who holler at her, don't bring her groceries, take her money, but this is what she created.  I won't have any part of it, the last was they wanted her to sell her home and move her to a trailer, the will is in a way, all children must agree, I will not agree unless the money is put in trust for her care only.  They won't agree to these terms as they want what's left.  I wanted what was best for her. 

I have tried so hard all of my life to stay away from dysfunction, to not take part in it, but it keeps coming at me, and this time is so different, as I have no tears left, just acceptance of what they want, and leave me alone, let me be, you;you've taken everything and even now my children from me.

It's strange, I know women turning 40 and they ask me, Donna my time clock is running out, and I tell them what you don't have you will never miss.   

Oh the poor woman who is going to be my daughter's mother in law, I hope she finds this site, she will need it.  Yes, this is a projection, but I don't think one I am too wrong about.  My dad used to tell me, I was smart I didn't have children, I got pregnant the year he was killed in January, and had my daughter that December; so that year was painful coming in and joyful going out, or so I thought, but I remember his words, as he had lost two children in his lifetime, and his words were, children are beautiful but so painful.  I am glad I had a good relationship with him.  I know he drank when my sister was killed and that was not the way to deal with it, but he did sober up only to have a breakdown, and come full circle to finally deal with all of his life and loss. 

Well I am babbling on, not making a lot of sense, just writing thoughts trying to put things into perspective, and coming to understand why I am not weeping, why I am not crying, I have cried for so many years, I am all cried out.  I am like the old warrior who goes into battle, and slays his opponent without blinking an eye, as he's been there so many times it's like the tick tock of the clock. 

I remember my ex husband dragging me into the courthouse to speak with a man about whether or not we should split up or not.  For 6 and a half hours my husband ranted, I cried; at the end of that time the man told him to pack his bags and go, he had two hours, after he left he turned to me, and said I have listened to you being so abused all day, have you ever thought of suicide to which I had to answer yes, the only words I had spoke thus far that day.  He would not let me leave, he called a man called Jacob, who was a psychologist, who I went to see from that day on for many months, at the end of every discussion, Jacob would say, and what about you.  I think I am hearing Jacob talk to me again; tho it is many many years later. 

I say good night, tomorrow will bring a gentle light to my mind to help this plight for God is with me, I believe with all my might.

[themuffin]

)))))))))))))))))))))))Hugs(((((((((((((((((((((((( Donna

   I'm glad that you can cry no longer, but your story made me cry.  You are a very strong woman and I'm in awe of how you are keeping it together.  And you are doing just that!  You are already on the road to recovery.  You have identified that your children have the problems and you have done all you can.  You must let them go in order to have peace and happiness.  But it is a painful decision and difficult to follow through. 

I recommend that on the rough days you visit this site as often as you can. The support here is amazing.  I have received such words of wisdom here that I am already stronger than when I joined just  few weeks ago.  Just knowing that you are no alone is so helpful.  When your DC turn on you the way ours have, you tend to whack your brain trying to figure out what could you have possibly done to deserve such treatment.  How comforting to come here and read of the other mother's who have done nothing and are going thru the same.  It's so reassuring to learn that there doesn't have to be any justification for it.

For me it was even more comforting to learn that it was okay to let go.  That taking away my DS's power to make me unhappy didn't make me a bad mother.  It just made me a better person.  Right now I don't feel a connection to my son and it's just fine.  Right now he feels no connection to me, and that's fine too.  I can only hope that he is happy.  But I have only this one life to live, and for how ever many days God is going to allow me to live it, I owe it to myself to be happy. 

The lyrics to this song is really about romantic love, but I found that it fits for many of us here.

"Let It Flow" by Toni Braxton

First thing early morning
I'm gonna pack my tears away
Got no cause to look back
I'm lookin' for me a better day
You see the thing 'bout love
Is that it's not enough
If the only thing it brings you is pain
There comes a time when we could all make a change

Just let go
And let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Everything's gonna work out right,
Ya know
Let go, and let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Just let go

Don't nobody want no broke heart
And don't nobody want no two time losers
Ain't nobody gonna love you like you are
If you take whatever he brings your way
You see the thing of it
Is we deserve respect
But we can't demand respect without change
There comes a time when we must go our own way

Just let go
And let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Everything's gonna work out right,
Y'know
Let go,a nd let it flow, let it flow, let it flow
Just let go

Sometimes love it can work out right
Sometimes you'll never know
But if it brings only pain in your life
Don't be afraid to let it go

Hugs, Donna. 

[Donna]

Thank you, the song is beautiful, and your story I do get strength from, as it gives me some clarity as to why I am not beating myself up, I've done enough of that over the years, you make such good sense.  You also make me feel okay that I don't feel that connection, it died, it just died when my DS applied those pressure points. Of the two he was my hope, and it just died right there.

You are kind to write, and thank you, bless you and you are correct we only have so many days left, which I also was facing with my husbands kidney cancer knowing it was the most aggressive cancer; all the more reason to know how blessed we are with what we have.

I don't think any of us are bad mothers, I believe we have all tried our very best, but somehow someway we are to blame in their minds and views; and somehow they believe they have such a right to punish.  It's all so completely sad.

I am glad I have found this site, and know I will make it through with great strength of great women, and do hope I in turn will support others; I never knew there were so many hateful children, it's kind of like that relationship that you are wondering if every woman gets slapped, kicked, pushed around, raped de-humanized; and you look out your window wondering, and then it happens, and you find out so many out there have been going through the same journey the same time, or before, and will be after; and our lessons we have to pass on and bring awareness to.  Strange but I know all of our DC will have a surrogate mother somewhere who is fabulous in their eyes, but it's only for the time being as the surrogate will never do what the mother would have done.  What a journey life is.......thank goodness for some sparkling moments, it's like champagne, too long in the air and it flattens out, LOL.

Thank you again, hope we talk more.  Donna

[themuffin]

I am so upset that your son did that to you.  I don't understand what could cause a DC to ever want to harm their mother. 

Again you hit the nail on the head.  I am sure DS spent Mother's Day with her mother and she got the gift that my son  didn't think I deserved.  I even imagined the FDIL and DS laughed about how they shunned me and probably thought my little heart was broken. It was injured, I won't lie.  But broken it was not.

MS gave me a beautiful card and although the words already written were lovely, it was his that brought me to tears.  I don't know it word for word, but it said "Just because one son disappoints doesn't mean that you were not a good mother.  You are a perfect human being and I always tell all my friends that I modeled myself after my mother.  I love you lady, monkey hands and all."  Well, of course I'm not perfect, but it was sweet of him to write it.  Oh, and he teases me about my hands because they are rough from always building, repairing or cleaning something, as well as working in the garden often without my gloves.
He got me some flowers and the most expensive cut of steak in the shop (he's currently a butcher, but still in school).  That was a "sparkling" moment for me.  I hope he feels that way about me forever, as I don't want it to flatten out, lol.

[Donna]

Oh Muffin, how perfect that moment that treasured moment that you share with your Dear Son, who would say those beautiful words that would calm your heart and feed your soul, you are deserving of this.  Perhaps he is one who recognizes the true beauty of motherhood, and perhaps like champagne, as I read it one day may flatten, but deep in his heart is the truth, and this you know.  I am glad you are not broken in regards to DS and the FDIL; and not to worry or concern yourself with what they did not do, in reality as the years go by it becomes their loss, their garbage to carry, their stuff to deal with, so take the injury, knowing your far from broken, and let that beautiful sun kiss your face, and your DS continue to love your rough hands.  As I journey through this writing different people, your words, of being so upset at what my son did to me, are a comfort; however I am seeing another side to the coin, it is what he did unto himself in his actions towards me.  Yes, I suffer, something has died forever, trust; but my years are far less on this beautiful earth than his, and it his actions which becomes his baggage; this I can not save him from.  I can forgive him, but I can never trust him, it is a loss to him forever.  Forgiveness must come without his even knowing, as this is my journey also, and judgment belongs to another greater than I; we spend our lives caring for others, now it is time to spend our lives caring for ourselves.  thank you for your sweet words, and sharing your DS card that he made for you, his words will live forever in my mind, especially when I am out gardening.  Bless him - and you as well.  D

[Nana]

Oh Muffin... good you got that lovely card from your son.  In other words it means that if someone does not acknowledge your true value...he does.  It was chicken soup for your soul.  There will always be the other side of the coin.   

May your soul and heart be lifted by kind words. 

Love

[themuffin]

Oh Muffin, how perfect that moment that treasured moment that you share with your Dear Son, who would say those beautiful words that would calm your heart and feed your soul, you are deserving of this.  Perhaps he is one who recognizes the true beauty of motherhood, and perhaps like champagne, as I read it one day may flatten, but deep in his heart is the truth, and this you know.  I am glad you are not broken in regards to DS and the FDIL; and not to worry or concern yourself with what they did not do, in reality as the years go by it becomes their loss, their garbage to carry, their stuff to deal with, so take the injury, knowing your far from broken, and let that beautiful sun kiss your face, and your DS continue to love your rough hands.  As I journey through this writing different people, your words, of being so upset at what my son did to me, are a comfort; however I am seeing another side to the coin, it is what he did unto himself in his actions towards me.  Yes, I suffer, something has died forever, trust; but my years are far less on this beautiful earth than his, and it his actions which becomes his baggage; this I can not save him from.  I can forgive him, but I can never trust him, it is a loss to him forever.  Forgiveness must come without his even knowing, as this is my journey also, and judgment belongs to another greater than I; we spend our lives caring for others, now it is time to spend our lives caring for ourselves.  thank you for your sweet words, and sharing your DS card that he made for you, his words will live forever in my mind, especially when I am out gardening.  Bless him - and you as well.  D

Donna, you are already helping others with words of wisdom.  This is a very special site, indeed.  I intend to spend my life caring for myself and those who truly care for me.  DS is not one of those people at this moment and I won't waste my time crying over him.  He is not worthy of my tears.

Thanks Nana.  You are right. It was just what my injured soul needed. 

This site reminds me of an episode of the Twilight Zone. Anyone remember "The Bewitching Pool"?   The day I found this site I was in a bad place. I didn't know a forum like this existed.  I feel like I found an amazing place at the bottom of the pool.  It's here that I escaped from the cruelness of DS.  But instead of it being run by Aunt Tee, it's run by an amazing woman we call Luise. I still think of DS but I suppose just like in the episode it will be lesser and lesser as the voices of their parents also began to fade.

Goodnite Wise Women!!!