Thank you for embracing me. I feel numb to the core. I don't believe there is any thing else to do but shut the door to what I gave my life to. When I was very young (12) my sister (16) was killed, this was back in 1963. There was no grief counselling, nothing, so mother had a nervous breakdown, and father drank and I stood in and did the parenting. I finished school at 16, and somehow got out of Dodge. I never knew what abandonment was, and for all my life I struggled as to why my siblings hate me so, bless my dad he didn't, but my mom was very cruel and egged the siblings on. It took me years to figure out I had abandoned them, and they never got over it. They never helped, they hindered my awful hurtful painful divorce and egged it onward. They have involved themselves only now as adults into these two adult children's lives, and the hate lives on. I never before checked out friends on facebook, I did this tonight, and was amazed. I now know I have lost them forever. My daughter is about show, and she wants her wedding in Las Vegas. The numbers are higher if I don't go. Figuring this all out nauseates me even more, now I understand the push push for the wedding dress. It matters not how far away I move from them their joy is in how they can torment me, make me suffer. But this time it is so different. No tears, no sense of loss, not even angry, I just don't want to be near any of them, the puzzle starts to come together, and even the old wounds are not weeping. So long so many years so many attempts only to be slaughtered, I decided 4 years ago, no more, and now I have figured out the puzzle. As adult children they know, so sad, as forgive them I can, but want to be with them I will never. I have a good husband after so many years of despair, their joy would have been the cancer to take him. On this one I feel I have God in my corner. After I wrote today, I went and listened to the last chapter of the Shack, a very sad story, a painful story, but a story of renewed faith, understanding and forgiveness. Over the years I had many women who mentored me, who were older and wiser, and would listen to my tears of pain, of not understanding, but now I am older and I now understand all that has happened, and that when people are bent towards misery, it doesn't matter how much one wants to avoid it, they will find a way to usurp themselves into your life, and try to destroy you. I guess I have cried for 62 years, and those tears were of no value, so why cry any longer, accept what they want, for one does not fight for love. All those years of raising my children I did so alone, to not confuse them, I finally found my soul mate 7 years ago. I wish I could be angry, but I have never been an angry person, I wish I could be full of revenge, but that also is not I, I wish I could have a sense of loss, but how can you feel loss of cruelty that was so blatant, a 26 year old son putting pressure holds on his 62 year old mother, I have to be another person and look at it from the outside in, and it disgusts me; I would tell that mother, no stay away from him, he is not worthy and yet it is my own son, ironic is it not?
Jill I haven't found your story, but I will, and will find out why you can not cry any longer. I was amazed with what I did read, that adult children (sorry, I think I am in the wrong category, as these are not in law children, but my own, that they can be so cruel, and it seems so normal to them. My own mother was so mean to me, so cruel, after my sister died, she would hit me on the head with pans and scream, I wish you were dead, she would beat me with pieces of wood for the stove, strange as she would do so, and I would not cry, and she would say, I will make you cry, but I never did, not in front of her. Somehow I survived all of these years, and tho I have buried her in my mind, as she still lives, all of those years passed and I have never raised my voice to her, never lifted a finger to her, never hurt her ever. When she needed things, as when my dad got killed, I came and I buried him, and then I settled her estate, leaving her well provided for by my dad, but the siblings over the years have usurped it all. She has a miserable life, as she is hostage to them, and all that she has those who holler at her, don't bring her groceries, take her money, but this is what she created. I won't have any part of it, the last was they wanted her to sell her home and move her to a trailer, the will is in a way, all children must agree, I will not agree unless the money is put in trust for her care only. They won't agree to these terms as they want what's left. I wanted what was best for her.
I have tried so hard all of my life to stay away from dysfunction, to not take part in it, but it keeps coming at me, and this time is so different, as I have no tears left, just acceptance of what they want, and leave me alone, let me be, you;you've taken everything and even now my children from me.
It's strange, I know women turning 40 and they ask me, Donna my time clock is running out, and I tell them what you don't have you will never miss.
Oh the poor woman who is going to be my daughter's mother in law, I hope she finds this site, she will need it. Yes, this is a projection, but I don't think one I am too wrong about. My dad used to tell me, I was smart I didn't have children, I got pregnant the year he was killed in January, and had my daughter that December; so that year was painful coming in and joyful going out, or so I thought, but I remember his words, as he had lost two children in his lifetime, and his words were, children are beautiful but so painful. I am glad I had a good relationship with him. I know he drank when my sister was killed and that was not the way to deal with it, but he did sober up only to have a breakdown, and come full circle to finally deal with all of his life and loss.
Well I am babbling on, not making a lot of sense, just writing thoughts trying to put things into perspective, and coming to understand why I am not weeping, why I am not crying, I have cried for so many years, I am all cried out. I am like the old warrior who goes into battle, and slays his opponent without blinking an eye, as he's been there so many times it's like the tick tock of the clock.
I remember my ex husband dragging me into the courthouse to speak with a man about whether or not we should split up or not. For 6 and a half hours my husband ranted, I cried; at the end of that time the man told him to pack his bags and go, he had two hours, after he left he turned to me, and said I have listened to you being so abused all day, have you ever thought of suicide to which I had to answer yes, the only words I had spoke thus far that day. He would not let me leave, he called a man called Jacob, who was a psychologist, who I went to see from that day on for many months, at the end of every discussion, Jacob would say, and what about you. I think I am hearing Jacob talk to me again; tho it is many many years later.
I say good night, tomorrow will bring a gentle light to my mind to help this plight for God is with me, I believe with all my might.
Topic: I Don't Have the Energy to Continue Nor Cry Any Longer (Read 2779 times)
