Also new and also without my daughter

[softwillow]

I'm new and have read the rules and a lot of the posts.  I wrote a post but it ended up at the end of an old posting-so here I am starting a new one.  I relate to a lot of what MelissaP says and am in a similar situation.  My 32 year old daughter is uncomfortable with feelings, dislikes my sensitive/communicative/loving nature and is trying very hard to make a life without me in it.  I respect what she is doing for herself and her family- one must do what one feels is best for their family.  However- some days it is heartbreaking for me.  I have tried several avenues of trying to fit into her life, at whatever level she feels is comfortable for her, even asking her permission- with no success.  My counselor helps me with taking care of myself.  My daughter pretty much ignores me and any attempts I make to work with her are met with derision and blame.  When it breaks me down too much, I stop trying.  I have had my own parents tell me for years there is something wrong with me when I even mention a feeling- it isn't welcomed in our family.  My sons, though- accept me and we have a great relationship. But it doesn't 'make up for' the loss and shunning from my daughter.  Her and her husband try hard to 'toughen' their son up to not show feelings as much.  They have a complete right to raise their kids the way they would like- just as I did.  I just wish I wasn't looked upon as some enemy and one to be steered clear from, like I have a disease or something, just because I value open communication.  I've been to several counselors and this last one for 15 years- he says I am the healthy one and have helped my sons become healthier- but my daughter just isn't there- she relates more to the rest of my family who never show or talk about feelings.  I'm strong-I'll be ok-I love her-but sometimes it's hard to try to blend into her life in some small way without giving up ME.  That is not a relationship. I'm going to live my life-I just hope I can be part of hers one day-with mutual caring and respect for our differences.  In the meantime, I'm busy, work hard and am also exploring volunteering with youths that need caring people in their lives.  I want to help and to make a difference.

[luise.volta]

Welcome. Good idea to open your own thread. Thank you for sharing all of that. So many of us have faced and still are facing similar circumstances. We often give each other the love and understanding that is lacking in our lives and we celebrate each others triumphs. You're a perfect fit...and I know it is hard to get that it isn't you...when the deck is stacked to make it look like it is. No so! Sending love...

[luise.volta]

Thank you, Luise-my counselor tells me the same thing- that it isn't me.  I need to listen.  However- when my daughter shuns me- it triggers me. My folks threatened abandonment to me all my life-either veiled or outright- 'you will never have any friends, no one will stand by you and you will have no family if you continue on with how you are'- and when my daughter shuns me- it triggers that- so I obsess and analyze why she may be doing it- and try even harder.  And THAT pushes her farther away.  That is the part that I am working on right now- to not contact her at all unless she contacts me - I don't want to drive her nuts because I'm trying so hard.  She doesn't relate to me, no matter how loving I am- or if I end up upset.  I have to let it go.  My counselor tells me to not stop being who I am- that I am caring, reasonable and cooperative-but some people do not relate in the same way I do- and one happens to be my daughter.  I love her so- but people are in my life because they want to be and those are the only ones that I belong being with.  Maybe someday she will value who I am- but right now- she doesn't.  Due to her nature of not wanting communication or showing feelings- and mine of the opposite- we haven't found a common ground yet.  Maybe someday.  I have contacted volunteer organizations in the hopes of helping young people who are in negative situations or don't have enough caring adults in their families- or no family.  I want to make a difference and help someone- seems like a win/win.  Thank you so much for your support.

[Rose799]

Ah oh, somebody wires got crossed...

[softwillow]

Not sure how that happened!  The message just above that shows from Luise- is really from Softwillow-

[softwillow]

Here it is again-hopefully it will show it's from Softwillow this time. 
hank you, Luise-my counselor tells me the same thing- that it isn't me.  I need to listen.  However- when my daughter shuns me- it triggers me. My folks threatened abandonment to me all my life-either veiled or outright- 'you will never have any friends, no one will stand by you and you will have no family if you continue on with how you are'- and when my daughter shuns me- it triggers that- so I obsess and analyze why she may be doing it- and try even harder.  And THAT pushes her farther away.  That is the part that I am working on right now- to not contact her at all unless she contacts me - I don't want to drive her nuts because I'm trying so hard.  She doesn't relate to me, no matter how loving I am- or if I end up upset.  I have to let it go.  My counselor tells me to not stop being who I am- that I am caring, reasonable and cooperative-but some people do not relate in the same way I do- and one happens to be my daughter.  I love her so- but people are in my life because they want to be and those are the only ones that I belong being with.  Maybe someday she will value who I am- but right now- she doesn't.  Due to her nature of not wanting communication or showing feelings- and mine of the opposite- we haven't found a common ground yet.  Maybe someday.  I have contacted volunteer organizations in the hopes of helping young people who are in negative situations or don't have enough caring adults in their families- or no family.  I want to make a difference and help someone- seems like a win/win.  Thank you so much for your support.

[luise.volta]

Clumsy attempt by me after she double posted to reduce it to one.

[softwillow]

My 32 yr old daughter used to be very attentive and caring of our family.  She then lost her dad- and 5 yrs ago my oldest committed suicide.  I found him.  My daughter was married at the time-but has subsequently divorced and married a man who came on too strong with me- telling me what to do rather than asking.  I lasted a year and went to counseling and vented other places but always was sure to be kind to them and not offend them.  I was trying to figure out what to say in order not to lose my daughter, because he walked on water, according to her.  My other son also took offense to this guy, said something to my daughter, then my daughter blamed me for his reaction(he's grown-he was offended by something the guy did completely removed from my experience with him)- she didn't talk to me for 2 1/2 years.  A grandson later...... He never apologized, I didn't ask for or need it.  I finally saw them all(2 GS, also now)- 3 weeks ago.  It was a wonderful visit.  I naively got too excited.   Afterwards- I started sending her texts, called her a couple times (she never picked up)- and after only receiving 2 short texts in 2 weeks, I started wondering what was going on- and since she never called me-even for 5 minutes- I tried to analyze why.  Huge mistake on my part.  She could have said, 'mom-let's talk on the weekend- or whatver-anything.'  But she got upset in an e-mail and I haven't heard from her since.  I've apologized twice to her for getting excited to see her and her family, not having her respond then analyzing why- and asked for permission to be allowed in her family in whatever capacity she could do that- and also asked if she could tell me how much is too much - or maybe we could schedule a phone call due to her busy schedule, etc., etc.  That the relationship is up to both of us.  She is ignoring me totally, so I'm backing off.  It wasn't earth-shattering what I did- but I basically came on too strong, then tried to figure out why she wasn't responding to me- and she got angry at me.  If her husband comes on too strong- and never apologizes- she sticks up for him and I'm shut out for over 2 yrs.  If I come on too strong or say something she doesn't agree with- she also doesn't support me, gets angry- and even if I DO apologize- I'm still the one who is out.  It's like I have to be perfect and I can't be perfect.  Gosh- if I expected my grown kids to be perfect- we wouldn't have the relationship that we do have- (with my sons- it's great).  But we all mess up-then get back to it.  With her, though- I am on this tightrope of having to act 'just so'- and I can't figure out how to please her.  I have asked her exactly how often I should contact her now so that we don't have the same problem- but she is ignoring me.  Maybe it will be another 2 1/2 years again now.  I  used to act just like my parents wanted me to when I was growing up- but finally couldn't do it, anymore.  Basically the whole family has disowned me because I finally said 'no' when my mother tried to tell me what to do.  Embarrassingly- I was 57!  Better late than never, I guess.  But, it's  'against the rules' to speak up about your feelings in my family.  I'm thankful my sons and I have much healthier relationships.  If we say something that offends the other one- we talk about it, or get upset or whatever- then move on and learn from it.  With her- there's no room for error-ever.  Now that I'm writing this- I see that she is expecting too much of me.  I can only be myself and she can only be herself.  I must let her go- and if she ever contacts me again- I will accept her and love her.  I'm going to back off and not contact my daughter now.  MD is tomorrow- but I must be strong.  No one should have to feel like they should be perfect in order to be allowed in a family.  I need to forgive myself for not being perfect and feel thankful for those who allow me to make my mistakes, take responsibility for them and still have me in their lives.  Happy Mother's Day to every mother out there!

[softwillow]

I just got a text from my daughter saying she's going to call me.  I told her to take her time.  I'm so happy.  Now my Mother's Day is complete.  I couldn't bear another 2 1/2 years without her.  There really is hope, after all.  I'm glad now that I never gave up trying different ways to reach her.  But it was up to her to contact me- and she did it.  Yippee- thank you for supporting me, Luise-

[Rose799]

Hello & welcome,

To have endured all you have, yet not develop a hardened heart speaks volumes about your character, Softwillow.  I'm so very sorry for your loss.  But now you've come to the right place.  Luise & the other wise women here have been a godsend to many of us in similar circumstances.  With regard to finding your voice at 57, it's always better late than never.   As you'll soon see, there's no shortage of voices here at WWU.  We're all here to help one another.  I, too, am regularly kicked to the curb by my 32 yr old dd.  And like you, I'm stepping back.  As Luise often says, we had productive lives before we had dc & we can do it again.  From reading your last post, it sounds as though you're on the right path.  For now, be kind to yourself & focus on those 2 ds' who you know love & appreciate you.  Happy Mother's Day to you, also, Softwillow

I wrote this before reading that your dd contacted you.  It's wonderful that you heard from her, just be cautious so as to not get your heart trampled on again.  Baby steps...

[pam1]

Hi Softwillow   Welcome.

Thanks for reading the Forum Agreement first

Working on "triggers" is very hard, do you have a song that makes you feel strong?  I've heard playing that helps with a trigger.

Glad you made it here

[softwillow]

Good advice Rose- on the baby steps.  My counselor always says the same thing and asks me how long it took for me to get where I am- she needs time, too.  And Pam- nice idea regarding the song.  It sounds better than a rubber band on the wrist!  haha- Happy Mother's Day to you all!

[catchingup]

Hi Softwillow.
Often when I read posts here I wonder whether mothers have their own interests that fill the gap in their lives when their children get married and leave home.
I think we all need to "Get wrapped up" in our own lives and interests which we can share with our married children rather than depend on them to to involve us in their lives.
What I mean is that if our children see that we are occupying our time and attention to our own interests and are self satisfied and fulfilled without needing the fulfillment by depending on them perhaps they would feel more at ease.
Hope all works in your favour with your daughter.
You seem to be a compassionate person. Perhaps you should extend your services to the needs of other less fortunate children or charity or find a hobby that would grab your interst to fill this gap in your life.

[softwillow]

Thanks- CatchingUp- I do that already, yes.  I have a business, do volunteer work- and am also in touch with Youth Services and Big Sister programs to help youth in need.  As well as other things.  I'm a very busy lady!  But- it doesn't keep me from focusing on my grown children when they need it.  They will always have my love and dedication if the need arises-even when they don't understand.  I do the work necessary on myself in order to facilitate the most positive outcome possible.  I can only control my own actions- thanks-

[lancaster lady]

Hi soft willow :

It was understandable . your excitement at seeing your DD again , and no one can blame you for hoping things were gettting back to normal . Is anybody perfect ? I think not , why beat yourself up about it .
I don't think you should have to change , your DD has grew up with you , she knows how you are .
Do you think she blames you for not getting on with her DH ? who knows what he says about you to her .
I agree to making your own life as exciting as you can , you sound like a busy lady , that way there are no quiet times to reflect .
I know it never takes away the pain of losing  a DD . did she instigate this last visit ? Maybe she needs you more than you or she thinks .
If there is a next time , be it on your terms , and take it for what it is a , a visit , touching base and no more . when she sees
how strong you are and less needy , she might be more willing for another visit , on your terms .