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Son's girlfriend and their new baby - she took both

Started by sadat46, November 18, 2009, 11:33:07 AM

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2chickiebaby

That's hilarious, Penstamen, Gray?  Kind of like blending in with the walls? ::) Surely wearing gray was not offensive. 

2chickiebaby

Quote from: 2chickiebaby on November 21, 2009, 12:26:36 PM
That's hilarious, Penstamen, Gray?  Kind of like blending in with the walls? ::) Surely wearing gray was not offensive.
And thank you for the link you sent.....It helped me a lot. 

Pen

You're welcome for the link, Chickie. Regarding the long, gray, MOTG dress, I ended up not wearing it so I don't know if it would have been offensive or not. Darned if ya do, darned if ya don't.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

Thank goodness you left the gray one in the closet. When my "sort of" daughter (who is the daughter I never had) got married, I wore white. Talk about blowing all the etiquette circuits!  ;D

And talking about adult children that are but they aren't; I made a collage of all ten (10) adult children who call me "Mom" and my DH "Dad" to give to each of them for Christmas. Only one is actually related to me, and that's our DW (Dear Webmaster) and none of them are related to DH! We are in it, too, of course. What a great extended family. A full dozen; two in New Mexico, one in Nevada, two in Hawaii and the rest in WA.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Luise, what a blessing it is to have so many dear people in your life. Now that you have this site, add all of us to the list!

As for the gray dress, I forgot to tell you all that it had long (sparkly!) sleeves that gave me an allergic reaction. Seriously. For the Simpson's fans among us, I called it the "Itchy and Scratchy" dress. How, in good conscience, can I unload this thing? So in my closet it stays :-\  The FlyLady says 'get rid of everything that doesn't make you smile,' so I know it has to go.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

mom2

Mistie,
You and I have a story very similar and I too, refuse to be the victim.

In the beginning I did blame the dil ( and I know she did brainwash him ) but my son was very much a part of how she treated me and like you, I love him but don't like him very well.

My dil is a witch that starts with a B so I know how you feel. You do..I did.. go from hurt, to sad to pissed off that they could treat me in such a way. ( my son helped her ) so he is not the innocent here.

Keep your chin up and hopefully you can find comfort here ( this is a great group of ladies ).

sadat46

With my situation they are not married so she is really not my DIL but I was willing to call her that.   Someone asked me what rules I broke and I can tell you:

1)  Her mother did not know she was pregnant and did not know about the shower I gave - they told her mother 4 days before the baby was born.  They told me not to say anything about the shower or knowing.  I did not say anything about the shower my 80 year old mother did and I did not have a chance to tell her not to say anything.   I did not tell my DIL's mother about knowing first about the baby.  She looked me right in the eye and asked me when I found out.  I said I was not told anything.  I guessed it.  I was really trying to be very careful.  I did not do anything intentionally to hurt her mother.  I really symphatized for her not knowing all this time.  I really did guess because I knew that my DIL was sick and I knew my son wanted to say something but he just couldn't, so I guessed it.
2)   I changed the baby's diaper the day after they came home.  I knew that wanted to change it at the hospital but I thought that it was okay and was just trying to help.   They said I snapped at them, but I just said I had 2 babies and knew how to change a diaper.  My voice is really low and sometimes when I want to be heard, I sound like I a snapping.  I really did not snap.   I had cooked at home and took them food.  I was nervous and should have just stayed away.

She blames me for hurtiing her Mother's feelings. Of course after that I can't do anything right so she got mad at me for making comments on facebook.  I was trying to be funny and then would go back and read them and delete them.  I also snapped at her best friend when she came to give the baby a bath.  I again was just kidding but after the above it sounded like I was snapping.   I just said I guess she doesn't trust us to give her a bath.  I laughed but it was not taken that way.   

I guess I would have been a lot more careful if I really realized all of the above had pissed them off so bad. 

Her mother says a lot of things but since she is her Mother I guess it is different.

In other words, I am being punished for knowing about the baby when her Mom did not know.  I kept telling them to tell her.

Well my Thanksgiving is going to be different.  I have always had my son at Thanksgiving.

It is sad but I do have a 15 year old daughter and an 18 year old step son.  I can enjoy the rest of my family and try to get through this. 

I have had several prayers to go up about all of this.  I did ask them in writing for full heart felt forgiveness but she said she is not one to forgive easily and she continues to hold grudges.

Not sure what to do at this point.  I was told by some to just keep saying I am sorry but others have told me I have already said that so I have not bothered them in over a week since all this came to my attention. 

I thought I would send them a Thanksgiving card but I really don't know what will happen if she gets it first.  She may just throw it away. 

I have even gotten so mad and thought of a kind of revenge to send my son bill for all the things I have done recently for him to pay me back, but that will just make him madder at me.  I am at least hoping he will realize I am still his mother and I love him unconditionally and that he knows me and I am not one to hurt people intentionally.   

So I am a little Hopeless and it feels like there is a huge knot in my stomach.





2chickiebaby

Thank you, Penstamen, thank you. I feel like we are twins.  Sadat, I am praying for you.  Please know that you are not alone.  My distant DILs Mother is totally off the wall crazy. She told me this herself when she "LOVED" us so I know what it feels like to have this happen.

This is the most insane of situations. I wish I could get out of it.  It's too hard.  I keep plodding along but when you have no strength and courage, it's so hard.

I understand each one of you and I'm so sorry! I wish we all had some relief from the hurt. Please let Thanksgiving be over with soon!!  Let her come here and get her money for the kids for Christmas and just leave. 

And on the subject of comprimise, oh my gosh, we've stood on our eyelashes for these 2 girls.  I mean it.  One calls me all the time, which is good but she is just as strange in other ways as the other one.  I don't mind 'strange' but I do mind when close DIL is mean to distant DIL...this hurts me!  My Lord, I'm what is wrong with me?  Why can't I get on one side or the other? 




2chickiebaby

They got a hotel but came by here for a little while today. I have decided that they are just so different than I am that that's what throws me off so much.  They were nice but I can't bond with them.  No sense of humor at all.

I should be glad they at least came by....I am.  Son is so different than the person I knew. He looks at her to see if it's okay for him to say something to the kids or not.  Like if he can tell the kids, "don't do that" (whatever it is)  This whole thing is none of my business but it is so irritating that you can't believe it.

She told me that she texted close DIL and asked her what to bring to Thanksgiving and no text back.  That hurts me for her but I am understanding a little better that close DIL just doesn't understand her either and has nothing in common with her.

Close DIL should have texted her back. I think it's horrible that she doesn't at least do that. Other son should take a hand in this too.  He doesn't.  I'm sure he makes his brother, distant DIL's husband, feel bad.

Is that as clear as mud now?   Writing it makes it seem so trivial....duh!  It's complicated.  I have allowed these people to drive me nuts.  :P ??? 8) ;D


mom2

Chickie,

I feel so bad for you, and for me, and for the other mils and dils on here..gosh it is just awful !!
I just want to tell you that you are not alone here.. I don't know my son anymore either. I look at him and wonder who he is or better..where he went. My son also has to get dils approval  to say anything to his children or to say anything for that matter.
I am so proud of my son in many ways.. he is a good husband, dad, provider BUT I am not proud that he doesn't even act like a man ; it seems almost evil. Hang in there and be strong and remember that many of us will be trying to get through this right along with you.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone !!

2chickiebaby

Mom, I am convinced that we were separated at birth and given to different people to raise.  Our stories are so alike. 

Wishing all could be better after Thanksgiving.  We'll tell our war stories.