My Troubled Daughter

[pam1]

My MIL cancelled Christmas twice LOL! (years ago.. before DH and I were even together) Called up SIL and said "Christmas is CANCELLED!" Haha! Maybe for you?? Geeez.. Holidays! Bah Humbug! 

I had to laugh at this, big time.  MIL pulled that one year -- "Fine then!  Next year there will be no Xmas!"  to a bunch of 30 and 40 year olds.  I admit, I smiled with utter glee.

Personally, I just do not like the monotony of holidays.  I don't like knowing year in and year out that I *have* to not only get people certain presents but I also have to make certain people stockings (yes my PILs expect Xmas stockings from their kids.)  I don't like that only so-and-so can host 4th of July and only another person can pick out what the kids are getting MIL/FIL.  I do not enjoy fuss and drama and doing the same darn thing every year.  Booooring!

[holliberri]

She's already worried that I'll start speaking in tongues anyhow. LOL.

The chocolate probably won't ever make it to the basket (wagon!) for my kids. I'm quite sure it'll be full of jelly beans and starburst instead. You know, all the leftovers.

[Sun_is_still_shining]

Pam: LOL! Some people think they are pretty important.. I though christmas was for the kiddies anyway..

I usually love the holidays. I love spending Christmas with my little family and extended family (both sides.. well not this year  ) I don't have much financial obligation in regards to gifting extended family since there is just wayy to many of us on all sides, which is good since I don't really believe in excessive consumerism.  I only have one aunt (my dad's sister) who thinks that all the cousins on our side should go and buy gifts from the dollar store for each other.. results in a massive amount of junk that no one really has much use for.. I got booed for my suggestion of giftcard exchange of the equal amount spent, or maybe we should just enjoy spending time together without all the unnecessary junk. The only presents are your presence.   (I have removed myself this familial flop)

[pam1]

Sun, I like holidays too however I don't like only seeing sp-and-so backyard for 4th of July lol.  I just do not like the pressure and commercialism.  My favorite holiday memories have always been something small, Dad making pancakes.  Mom crying every year at the same movie lol.

I just cannot wrap my head around the entitlement that these holiday hogs carry around. 

[Rose799]

My favorite holiday memories have always been something small, Dad making pancakes.  Mom crying every year at the same movie lol.

Pam, your post reminded me of a young girl on the Oprah show years ago.   When her dm was diagnosed with cancer, the dp's quit their jobs & took their 2 dd's out of school to go on a long road trip.  They traveled all over the country for about a year, as I recall.  The dm had passed away when she & her dad appeared on the show.  When asked what her favorite part of the trip was, this 7-8 year old girl hesitated for a minute & then said it was when her dm quietly woke her in the middle of the night & just the two of them went & ate Cheerios. 

I'd like to spend holidays with you, Pam...

[pam1]

Thank you for telling that story, Rose.  It's beautiful.

I think holidays would be fun with you too   Hopefully one day we can do a WWU meet up, I have a feeling it would be terrifically fun!

[Sun_is_still_shining]

Awww.. what a lovely story. The power of seemingly simplistic events.. I love it! Those kids are so fortunate to be able to have such wonderful memories of their DM.. Cancer is such a nasty disease..

Yes, I definately have to agree with you on the holiday HOGS who think that they are the only ones that can do an event.. It's like Easter at my aunts. She won't let anyone else do it, it's HER holiday. I wouldn't even mind doing it myself. I love colouring eggs! lol! It's actually really huge with us. We have an "egg fight" in morning for breakfast. It's some of my fondest memories of my Grama who passed away years and years ago.

[themuffin]

My favorite holiday memories have always been something small, Dad making pancakes.  Mom crying every year at the same movie lol.

Pam, your post reminded me of a young girl on the Oprah show years ago.   When her dm was diagnosed with cancer, the dp's quit their jobs & took their 2 dd's out of school to go on a long road trip.  They traveled all over the country for about a year, as I recall.  The dm had passed away when she & her dad appeared on the show.  When asked what her favorite part of the trip was, this 7-8 year old girl hesitated for a minute & then said it was when her dm quietly woke her in the middle of the night & just the two of them went & ate Cheerios. 

I'd like to spend holidays with you, Pam...

What a lovely story. It brought tears to my eyes.  I'd love to do holidays with the Wise Women on this forum.

[Donna]

Hi Winter:  I am glad you wrote here, I did last week numb and feeling like the rug had been pulled out from under me, left me breathless.  Many beautiful hearts wrote me back, and gave me such encouragement and strength.  It is a few days later, and I am stronger and find sometimes one has to realize the truths of the situation and sometimes giving and giving and doing and doing has just got to stop, as they trample all over you.  It's hard, its difficult, we so are born to nurture to give to support to help, and we want to be in denial of the lies and the deceit, but one day it hits you like a ton of rocks, and the truth is right there in front of you.  My heart truly hurts for you, I know I have been there, am there and will always love them, and do forgive them even tho they won't realize it for many years to come, unfortunate baggage they have chosen to carry around.  I read a lot of stories on this site, and go some great insight, and realized when I had made my decision to basically divorce my two DD and DS; it was a wise decision; as the torture was they continually nipped at the umbilical cord and caused pain, chaos, drama, why not slice it clean and let them become the adults they choose to become.  Difficult decision but made.  Your daughter may after a period of time realize her loss and change her ways rather than you changing you to accommodate her.  I have learned there is no need for a parent to be screamed at, yelled at, lied to, deceived, especially those parents that love unconditionally and only want the best for their children.  I think this is one place we make our mistakes, we want better for them than we had, and so we give more and more, and the more you give the less respect and care you seem to get.  I wish we all could have the perfect scenario.  To me it was a reality there were other parents out there who had the same issues I have endured for years.  I only wished I would have found this sight sooner, I would have saved myself much grief and agony; as I felt I was what they insinuated a bad parent.  Knowing I wasn't was okay for me, but feeling their indignant attitudes crushed me, crumbled me over and over.  This week has been a good week, I have also opened up to some wise people who have supported me with my decision and understand why my choice, writing out how you feel is so important, day by day, it will get easier, especially once you realize you are FAR FROM ALONE. 

Sometimes its time to think about you and your life and what you want to do with the rest of your life.  Sometimes we had dreams and we have to let go of those dreams maybe temporarily maybe forever, but in the meantime you can find you, find out what you love to do, concentrate on you and spoil yourself, go for a massage, get your nails done, walk leisurely in the morning, and at every moment tell yourself what a wonderful human being you are, how special you are, don't rate yourself on what your daughter says, she hasn't lived the years you have already worked, and those ratings don't count, as they come from a place of me, I, so reprogram how you think of you.  Give yourself a hug, a big hug, write yourself a note telling you how great you are, as you are, every woman who has given her heart to her children is a wonderful woman a beautiful woman, when these children hurt the one who loves them the most, in truth they hurt themselves.  Let your daughter wear her baggage for awhile and you just take a long hot bath, and know there are many women out there feeling like you, hurting, and all for not.   Keep writing how you feel, don't be a stranger, I wrote many things on this site I have not shared with anyone, and hey they were only the coles notes version.  So journal, vent, do what you must, but know you are a great human being, a wonderful person, a loving mother, but most of all you have life to live and just need to take a different path for a bit.  Here is a big hug for you.

[Nana]

Donna

Beautiful post to Winter.  You are so right.  We all have a life to live....the best one we can live under the circumstances.  So just as our children, we are or were someone's children and they also wanted us to be happy....so lets be happy.   I always think.....I love and have myself....
We accomplished our job of raising our children with love and always acting in what we thought was in their best interest.  Now we owe it to ourselves to retake our lives, move forward  and  enjoy all those small things that life brings us day by day.    Having no expectations is the best we can do....expect nothing....if anything positive comes,  it will be a blessing.  Life can surprise us.

Best wishes for you Donna and Winter.

[themuffin]

Hi Donna,

  Ditto what Nana said.  Hard to believe you've been here for such a short time.  Your posts are so insightful and filled with inspirational advice.  I'm so glad you found us.  Wise Women United just got wiser.

[Pooh]

Beautifully written Donna.  And of course my wonderful Nana always writes such uplifting things.  Love my Nana!

[Pen]

What Pooh, Muffin & Donna said 

[Donna]

Nana ~The Muffin ~ Pooh:  You are all so right, living our lives now, enjoying what we can, and if anything extra happens rejoice, as I believe we have all come to learn that we can not and are not responsible to make that extra with our children.  TheMuffin, your writing to me, so opened the gates of knowledge, this site, was an immediate blessing and recognition that I was not alone, that this was not only my problem, this is now a systemic universal problem.  All we can do is what we are presented with but most importantly we can support each other, and each woman as she enters this site, tell people about this site, as there is nothing worse than believing you are alone, and suffering in silence a universal situation.  All of the support from the wise women here, flicked my switch towards facing truth so fast, there is no turning back. 

It doesn't end, as you continue to get information whether you ask or not, yesterday I had two friends F B me, telling me my DD had dropped them off of their F B?  Instead of feeling embarrassed I just wrote and told them the situation, one old friend wrote back and said, I'd like to hang her up in my games room and use her for a dart board for awhile.  This former single mom has also raised her children, and has mega problems with her eldest DS; so she knows the feelings.  My reply back to this was for me it's forgiven and not forgotten, and just a choice of not wanting chaos in my life.   She is now an adult and this is now her baggage, and she will hopefully be on this earth a lot longer than I. 

However that got me to thinking, and I wonder if our loving our children too much resulting in such angry children at the ones who gave so much to them, will ever feel the pain they have caused us.  Will they be loving parents?  Will they have the same dedication and spirit towards wanting the best for their children as us?  When I think of my DD taking and lack of emotional sharing, I am perplexed what will be for my GC.  However this is obsessing into the future, and not healthy, but a prudent consideration for those pining for GC. 

My eyes are wide open, and strangely so is my heart.  Running parallel to these events I have also had a wonderful youth experience, which I understand the pain.  A young man, several months ago came to me to get his vehicle repaired, the cost would be $300.00.  I told him, and he said, I only have $100.00 but I could pay you and he gave me a schedule.  Most repair shops don't give credit, but I looked at this young man (17) and I said, yes, okay, as I knew I was looking into the soul of a young person who was trying.  As life would be, he paid his debt exactly as he had said he would give or take a day here or there, who cares.  I then later find out, this young man had lost his brother a year and a half ago, and had gone last summer to an aunts place as his mom was having problems coping.  The family was a single parent family.  When he returned to do his last year of Grade 12, his mother was no longer in town, she had left in her depression and her sadness and disappeared.   I found out the young man had been surfing couches, and eating whatever he could, working wherever he could.  Bless his two teachers as they finally got the story out of him just prior to him saying THWI and going to the streets.  One kind mother ensured daily there was a lunch bag in the fridge with his name on it.  The teachers involve SS and got him a roof over his head and monthly food allowance.  Things were getting better for him.  He decided to take a trip with his buddies and got so far and his vehicle croaked, together they came up with $600.00 to pay the tow truck driver, and the vehicle landed on my door step.  The clutch and transmission were gone.  He had no money for his phone, and I had no way to contact him.  So my husband and I discussed it and put the vehicle back together.  He finally got some money and showed up at the shop, and we told him his vehicle was ready, he had no idea what was wrong and almost died with the cost of the repair.  I told him, don't panic, pay me what you can when you can, and be honest with me and in the end you will get a Good S__T discount.  This settled him down a lot.  I then offered him an after school job to help out at the shop, and summer employment. 

We are very comfortable with each other and I asked him if he felt his mom loved his brother more, and this is why she broke down.  Very sadly he confirmed, these were his feelings.  I explained to him, she is so devastated by the loss, she can't see what she has, and that one day she will heal and she will return and it will be very difficult for her as she knows she did leave him behind.  I spoke to him about forgiveness, as that would make his life better, and also would make her life much better when that day comes.  Strangely it all made sense to him. 

What is so strange is one has their own DS and DD they have given the world to, and then one runs across a child so left, with so much hurt, and yet so much promise.  He has his after grad go to college plan, and he has two years after he turns 19 the gov will support him.

My husband and I give a scholarship yearly to a local school; but will be changing it for the next few years, to ensure he receives the scholarship as he is in a different school. 

It's as if God sent a blessing our way in this young man, as we see the stark differences in willingness, energy and appreciation.  Yesterday, we had him help us launch the boat, together with a friend of mine who is a female ex policewoman.  They immediately hit it off, and as we were walking back from the dock he said to me, sometimes you just meet people who you know are good, I can just feel the goodness in your friend, and I turned to him and said, I am certain she feels the goodness in you.  When we were parting, he went to her and gave her one big hug, it was so nice to see, as I knew he knew he had connected with goodness.

So in this world of broken hearts, broken dreams, is a myriad of the same but in different perspectives, and as wise women we have the ability to reach out to each other and to others, and help with the pain, as we grow stronger ~ forgive and live longer. 

My many thanks for the many blessings and Winter I share this with you, as each passes, and as you spend time on this site reading and listening to what people are talking about, you will feel less devastated, become stronger, and know you are supported.

When we were born, there was no guarantee we would have an easy journey, there was no guarantee how long that journey would be, we were given the breath of life, and I don't know why it takes women so long, but we were given the right to make a choice, and sometimes it just takes us a bit more time to learn about the choices we make.

I've also learned what you give you give without expectation, it's gone ~ but when you receive a word, a thought, a card, a smile, nothing can be as precious.  God also gives us special gifts, one of mine was service, another is patience.  My own children always resented the fact I loved helping people, the more I gave to another the less they felt they could have.  I am glad they did not manage to take this away from me for it has indeed been my greatest pleasure in life.

Everyone needs a hug today - and every woman out there, you are so beautiful, so precious and don't think other than this of yourself - you deserve all that can be good.  Have a wonderful day.  Donna

[Pooh]

That was absolutely beautiful Donna and a very uplifting story.  Thank you.