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Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)

Started by musicnerd86, May 05, 2011, 01:25:46 PM

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Pen

Quote from: swp0710 on May 05, 2011, 08:04:41 PM
I must say, though, we dated for 8 years, were engaged for 8 months and married for 10... and she STILL refers to me as DH's "friend", Sarah.

I was introduced by my SM of almost 30 years as "one of many recent visitors." At least you got to be a "friend."
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri

Quote from: swp0710 on May 05, 2011, 08:18:26 PM
I totally agree Holly. Let me ask you this... do you prefer (in a formal setting only) as "Mrs. *DH's last name*" or do you prefer to be addressed as "*First name* *DH's Last name*

That's what caused the issue. She told us that she is not "Mrs. FIL's last name" she is "First name and DH's last name" She used this opportunity to lecture me on why she was a feminist and how being referred to by the formal version of her name was downright offensive. I had no way of knowing that the situation would cut that deep until we sat and talked it out.

I go by my maiden name as often as possible, to be honest. I orginally chose my married name, but I started learning the connotations with it, and I also realize my maiden name is less common; so I've slowly been drifting back to my maiden name. I am a bit of a feminist too. I also check "Ms." when those pesky account registrations ask for a title. Something about Mrs. bothers me. Silly, I know. I have corrected people for calilng me Mrs. DH's last name. I say, "That's DH's mom...just call me Holly."

On an invitation, would that bother me? Nope, but I know feminists that are quite bothered by it. They want to have their own identity apart from their DH's...the Mrs. and Mrs. Male Last Name is interpreted as not allowing them that.

It's just a funny area where political ideology crosses with identification. That doesn't happen often. Also, since you've had this conversation with her...you may very well have a good idea of what to expect from her going forward; you can probably predict how she'll react to things.

swp0710

Pen, that is crazy. I do feel better about "friend", lol. My mom approached my DH differently. She gave him the esteemed title of "boyfriance" (boyfriend + fiance) during our engagement. May seem goofy, but it endeared him to her and that meant something to both of us. 

Precisely, Holly. I regret that I had to learn about her the way I did, but at least I did and now I do know for the future.

holliberri

In all fairness, I would think that had I mentioned how I wanted my name, I would have explained why. Sometimes hearing that it is political ideology is all it takes. It really hones in on why an issue is so important to someone even if you don't agree...b/c chances are you have certain political ideologies yourself that you stand by.

lancaster lady

Pen .........sorry about your title , but I think that's so funny ! Like something Miss Haversham would say ......!

Pen

It was only a title, my name was not mentioned. The mysteriously connected, unknown visitor.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

forever spring

Helloooo! Just a thought ...
There are awful catastrophes in the world happening as we speak. People are suffering!   
Is it really worth making ones life so miserable about such insignificant things. Maybe MIL should consider this. ;)

pam1

I think even if an issue is important to someone personally -- it's better to explain calmly.  MIL lost her point with me as soon as the hysterics started.  I think Musicnerd in just her short time here has proved her "reasonableness" so I think probably in real life, she is just as open to other points of view. 

Personally, I kept my name because I wanted too and I like it.  And it's easier work wise.  The way society is right at this moment, I think if I were to get upset at every time someone calls me Mrs. DH and go into hysterics about it, well I'd be losing my mind on a daily basis. 

Music, about your dilemma.  My FOO does not like my DH's family, they refuse to be in the same room with them.  They don't make a scene and if it does happen, they remain polite and leave at the next available opportunity.  Since I know my FOO's feelings and I do consider it to be valid, I don't make many opportunities for them to be together. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

AnonymousDIL

I was thinking about the situation where at least one side would be offended. It was our wedding. We booked an outside venue (where DH proposed) and MIL pitched a fit about it and that it HAD to be indoors. Well, I didn't want to hear her complaining so we moved it (she just continued complaining about other stuff). Well the only church we could boook it in was my OLD home church. The one we were super involved in and my mother left after my dad died because it was too difficult for her to continue going there. My mom was upset, but she did great. I should have told MIL to shove it.  >:(

The "friend" thing.... MIL still had me as Anon MaidenName in her email system. It sorta bothered me, but I know she doesn't consider me part of the family and never will, buut I have come to terms with this. Well, it aparently REALLY bothered my DH so last week he sent her an email demanding that she change my name to Anon DHName.... I have not seen her yet to know how she is going to take this out on me. I'm sure it went through the entire family at the get together last week about what a horrible person I am..... I really wish I could control what my DH says. I have enough trouble with my own foot in my mouth. There isn't room for his! lol

LaurieS

Sure there is always room for one more foot Adil :)

I think everyone is #1 missing an important point and #2 making mil a villain.

Music has stated over and over that she spoke directly with her fmil and things were smoothed over and proceeded in a normal manner.  Mil did not take this to the grave with her so to speak.  And I'm amazed by how many especially surprised by the mil's here, are so quick to give her the title of villain.. ok she may have over reacted or reacted harshly.. but I mean really the situation never even needed to escalate from the beginning.  The woman reacted because she saw herself and her feelings and now her name not viewed anywhere near how she had hoped (and especially after she was asked how she would like to be viewed).  If ever there was a time to set a precedent this in her mind may have been it. 

But the wedding went on, Music was happy.. she came here to ask how to avoid future issues along this line.. some of these no win situations that we all face.

I will reiterate my advice to Music... Always try to be honest in both your words and your approach.  Do not ask your MIL for her opinion and then do something different in the end (I know this was not the case with the invites)... If you are only asking for a suggestion, make that perfectly clear.  Remember that your in-laws are as important to your husband as your parents are to you.  I like to say.. he wasn't hatched.. your husband had a life and hopefully a loving childhood just as you did.  I hate that old hogwash of a saying about loosing a son just because he marries.. I think if you can avoid getting trapped into thinking along those lines you will always be fine.

SassyDI











Re: Starting a Family...

« Reply #18 on: Today at 07:36:12 AM »

Quote


People act crazy and controlling over wedding.  Drives me nuts.  We had so much craziness.  We didn't do Communion because GMIL would have gotten angry that I did it because I am not Catholic.  I took it at my friends wedding and they got mad at me.  I was the maid of honor he offered and I took it not knowing what to do.(I was a young 21 now I would probably just crossed my arms but never had to deal with it back then) 





justus

In answer to your question about going forward, I think Louise gave you the best advice. Your M and MIL have a problem with each other, that is between them. They are adults and should work it out, but if they don't, and they start to act out, you and DH should make it very clear that they will behave at family functions and if they don't, put them on a time out.

You want to be courteous, considerate and polite, but don't walk around on eggshells. You cannot know what is going to offend someone, OK, you can know about most common sense things, but some things you just don't know. Everyone has odd little things that really offend them based on their personal experience and you would never guess until you push that button. But, you can't live your life in fear that you are going to mistep and hurt someone's poor wittle feelings. Yes, you should be kind and considerate, and you should apologize if you do offend someone or make a misstep, but you should also expect your MIL and your M to be reasonable, and rational adults. Treat them as if they are, and they will probably live up to your expectations.

I disagree with Laurie that by asking someone their opinion you are then obligated to follow their wishes, neither do I think you owe them an explanation or even notice that you are going to do something different, although letting your MIL know ahead of time would have been wise. I learned this when I was in my 20s. People would ask my opinion, then do something else, and I would get so upset. I realized I was too emotionally invested in the outcome and no one was obligated to do what I thought they should do no matter how many times they asked. It was their life, not mine. 

I also don't see this whole name thing as such a serious issue as it has been made out to be. If your MIL were a reasonable and rational adult, she would not have reacted in such an extreme way. That she did get over it does show that she can pull her head out of her behind, which is a very good thing.

Don't get attached to the notion that your M and MIL are going to be friends. If they chose not to work it out, that is their choice.

LaurieS

QuoteI disagree with Laurie that by asking someone their opinion you are then obligated to follow their wishes, neither do I think you owe them an explanation or even notice that you are going to do something different, although letting your MIL know ahead of time would have been wise.

I was not implying that you are obligated to do exactly as they suggested.. I said that if you ask, then do not imply that you understand and appreciate their suggestion then attempt to sneak around behind their back to do as you wish.. I said to be upfront about your decisions.  In this case it was the woman's name, kinda an important decision.

I still do not agree that the mother's need to rehash this thing... It's done.. it's over.. they are fine.. Music was asking how to attach a B.O.P. to their future lives.

justus

True, that drama episode does seem to be over with and I certainly didn't and don't suggest they re-hash it, however, the OP has said several times there are hard feelings between the two woman going all the way back to when the OP was in High School. She said they get a long on the surface, but it sounds like they simply tolerate each other when they are in each others presence during family events and she is worried this could become a problem when she and her DH have kids. I would worry, too.

It also sounds like she is afraid to do something else that might offend her MIL and get the same over the top reaction.

I was trying to address the issues I believe the OP has, I really don't care about the name thing as it is a minor issue in the grand scheme of things.

And, I am not sure why I am explaining myself. Let's agree to disagree on the name thing and drop it, okay? Its done...its over...we are fine.... at least I hope we are fine. Let's move on to the other more pressing issues. The OP has been beaten up enough over it and I don't care enough to argue about it.

What is B.O.P?

LaurieS

I was not arguing I was clarifying since you misunderstood what I had stated. I felt obligated to explain myself once you chose to use my quote while challenge my view.  I don't know why you chose to explain yourself either, as you are basically stating the same thing I did, which is.. once taken care of it was time to move on.  I disagreed with stepping totally out of the picture and praying that the mom's can work it out.

BOP=Blowout Preventer http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blowout_preventer  ..

My sentence was "Music was asking how to attach a B.O.P. to their future lives."