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Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)

Started by musicnerd86, May 05, 2011, 01:25:46 PM

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musicnerd86

Certainly not, Laurie. However, I had one too many feathers that could have been ruffled and I didn't think things through in the name of appeasement. I know honesty is the best policy and that should have been Priority #1 from the get go. I got intimidated knowing that both mothers were contributing and wanted something specific and I shouldn't have. Lesson learned.

pam1

If it's odd, then I am too lol.  I'd rather just know up front but then again, I don't think (could be wrong haha) that I'm a person difficult to tell. 

DH lies all the time to his Mom which I thought was wrong.  Now I'm not so sure, he seems to be able to function better around her than I typically can. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

themuffin

Quote from: elsieshaye on May 05, 2011, 02:55:20 PM
Yes, but why hold on to that for 10+ months and turn it into a war?  Why not just say "hey, I'm kind of upset that you weren't more up front about how you were going to handle it", accept the apology and let it go?  I do understand having trust damaged, but am having trouble understanding the intensity of her response unless there's some other button that got pushed.

Exactly what I was thinking.  It was not her day.  Okay, so she was not pleased.  It's not the end of the world.  She should have discussed it and let it go.  Her reaction is WAY extreme.  MHO

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holliberri

Ruffling feathers over the music choices, menu and venue seem quite reasonable to me.

It's the purely personal stuff, even if people aren't paying that equate not only to ruffling feathers, but pure pain...which I think result in the damage.

Some examples I can think of:

1. G-ma's not invited to the wedding.
2. No photos with one entire side of the family.
3. Having one side of the family sit near the B & G at the reception and the other one way in the back.
4. Being allowed an invitation list of 7 people,  although you put forth money for the wedding and the other side of the family is carpooling with 7 minibuses to get there.
5. Sorry, ignoring a request about a name (an identity issue for many people) on even half the invitations is probably pretty poor etiquette no matter what Emily Post says.
6. Saying you'll do something when someone asks and then not doing it.

IDK, it is absolutely your wedding and ruffling some feathers is probably unavoidable....over little trivial things. I just don't think a name is trivial. I'm proud of my maiden name. My MIL is proud of her middle name. SIL's name carries with it royal bloodlines from Europe, so she's quite attached to it. DH's name gets misspelled constantly b/c people add an "s" to the end...it's upsetting to him.

I think you need to ask yourself "Is this a personal issue?" and "Would this person take this personally if I did it this way?" Then maybe you'll have a better indication of when it is okay to ruffle feathers and when it is not.

musicnerd86

Again, I know I made the wrong choice and I regret it. There's no excuse for what I did and I had to work hard to get this to cease and for things to get back to normal for the wedding. DH got mad at me too for upsetting his mother, so yeah... I paid for my crime.

holliberri

I do wish she didn't react as she had.

I still don't see much reason for anyone to be mad at your DM if you have taken responsibility for what happened. It was your wedding, your call.

I hope she gets over that.

musicnerd86

Thank you for all of the advice, ladies. I know what I did was beyond out of line and I'm still learning from the whole experience. 

I'd also like to point out that my family and I had 100 invites to send out and DH's family had 100 invites to send out. I know we should have consulted MIL about our plan to make the invites for my guest list one way and the guest list for DH the way she requested. I still don't know what I should have done; sorry to seem ignorant, but I'm just now starting to circle the block of adult life and I have much to learn. I'm trying to use the experience to be prepared for similar situations in the future. Have any of you encountered seemingly unobtainable situations where the potential for offense existed on both sides?

Pen

Music, take it as it comes. There's no way to be prepared for everything. Trust me, I never expected to be shunned by DIL and her FOO immediately after the wedding. How could I ever have prepared for that?

It's great that you are concerned about your relationship with the ILs, but if you can continue to try to see things from their perspective you'll be OK. That doesn't mean you knuckle under to a demanding MIL who is up in your grill about every little thing... Treat them as considerately as you would your grandparents, friends, co-workers...parents...? Some of us MILs who had good relationships w/our DSs simply miss the easy, spontaneous give and take we had with them and don't know how to handle the awkwardness of having someone new in the picture. We're not all evil, most of us are just good ol' moms who miss our kids.

I hope your MIL knows how lucky she is to have a DIL like you and I hope she can treat your DM civilly in the future. I agree it's a bit much for MIL to carry this grudge for so long. For her sake as much as yours & DM's I hope she gets over it ASAP.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

holliberri

I think we've all encountered situations like that, Music.

I'm not sure what it is about marriage, babies and holidays, but all of these have come packed with super charged emotions (both good and bad). I think even the good emotions can lead to problems from time to time, to be honest. I also think that expectations is often the culprit...I expect one thing...MIL expects another...and we both expect everyone else to be just like us. Guess that's not how it works.

I do believe that the name issue will probably be corrected at the reception, upon the announcement of the parents of the groom, right? Or perhaps even in a program? (I don't know how elaborate your wedding is...I never did programs, but a lot of people do). I think that *should* rectify hurt feelings over invitations b/c everyone will stand corrected then (that's if they were that worried about it, my guess is they aren't).

I think we can all promise that you're both going to make mistakes and there will likely be situations like this in the future. Keeping emotions in check, communications lines open and a good old fashioned heartfelt apology in your back pocket might go a long way. Even if MIL does not do that...if you're doing it...that is half the battle! It may still be ugly, just not as ugly...

Nana



I agree with Elsie, Holly.  I dont see what the big problem is.  Even if, it seemed sneaky...or not straight forward, it shouldnt be a big deal.  Not being able to forgive this?  Come on... Noone was trying to hurt anyone. 

Why was your mil willing to forgive you and not your mom?   Some people just like trouble. 

Music...you are a nice dil, concerned about the relationship with in-laws.  Your mom just thought it was an option changing some invitations and not others...maybe it wasnt the best one but she was trying to help.    I wouldnt worry about this...you have many other more important things to worry about...if they cant be friends...so it be. Maybe it is better this way....imagine if this happened over nothing....what can you expect with other discrepancies (sp?).
Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

swp0710

The wedding was last July and it went smoothly. This blew over quickly when I talked to my MIL the next day after the initial conflict. My husband and I both talked to her and did apologize for not informing her of our solution on how to respectfully represent our mothers on the invites. She accepted and moved on. I must say, though, we dated for 8 years, were engaged for 8 months and married for 10... and she STILL refers to me as DH's "friend", Sarah.

I posted earlier about the root of her issue with my DM but I can recap. DH was a Boy Scout growing (as was my dad and my brother, so I knew about that aspect of his life fairly well). We started dating in 2002 and he was 3/4 of the way to getting his Eagle Award (highest scout rank). All he had left was a summer camp to attend and a service project to do in the fall. To accommodate that, he explained to me and a few friends who were interested that he was planning cut out some of the extra things he was doing in scouts. MIL thought this was because I was telling him not to go... not so. She went around to her scouting adult friends and blamed me for his absence. Word eventually got to my brother's troop leaders (one of which happened to be my dad) and he asked me if I knew what that was all about. I didn't and it was a shock to find out that I was being spoken of that way.

swp0710

To avoid confusion... I had to recreate a new account. My email for the other account got hacked and I had to shut it down.

holliberri

I never said her reaction wasn't extreme. It was, it was totally uncalled for. I also don't think DM should have been brought into this.  I never said I didn't think Music wasn't a good DIL; I think the fact that she cares enough about this is reason enough to argue that she is in fact a good DIL. She also apologized and I think she was treated unfairly.

I was only saying that a name mistake for a MOG (however unintentional) would be a big deal to a lot of people. There's probably two different schools of thought to this. We get so caught up in titles (MIL/DIL, G-parent names, etc), that it seems that actual legal names would be a legitimate concern for people.

A name mistake on an invitation announcing the marriage of my DD would be a big deal b/c it's not who I am. Names carry a lot of identity definition with them. I would be hurt if my own child (not DIL or DIL's DM) couldn't say, "You know what? That's not my mom's name. I'm not putting that on the invitation."

I say this as someone who almost made this mistake myself. I didn't know at the time, but my MIL went by her middle name (she's the only one in the world that I  know that does that...I didn't know people did that). Fortunately, DH was kind enough to catch it. I also said, "No big deal." He said, "Yes it is...my mom doesn't paritcularly like her first name and she's never gone by it." I'm glad he pointed that out to me; and MIL was thrilled that we chose consideration for her over formality. (Double bonus! That doens't happen often for me).

swp0710

I totally agree Holly. Let me ask you this... do you prefer (in a formal setting only) as "Mrs. *DH's last name*" or do you prefer to be addressed as "*First name* *DH's Last name*

That's what caused the issue. She told us that she is not "Mrs. FIL's last name" she is "First name and DH's last name" She used this opportunity to lecture me on why she was a feminist and how being referred to by the formal version of her name was downright offensive. I had no way of knowing that the situation would cut that deep until we sat and talked it out.

holliberri

Quote from: swp0710 on May 05, 2011, 08:04:41 PM
... and she STILL refers to me as DH's "friend", Sarah.

Have you asked her not to do this? She made it pretty clear she was upset about the name on the invite...I think she would understand why you would be bothered by being called DH's "friend," so long as you *nicely* mention it. I have no doubt you'll handle it nicely if you do, plus you have an example of how NOT to act.  :)