Wedding Aftermath (From a DIL)

[LaurieS]

I see no reason not to have your mom or whoever you feel can help you with a project taking part.  And Pam I do agree that it's their wedding, but when you go to someone and ask.. is this ok with you and you give them an honest answer and then as the mil saw it behind the scene shenanigans started immediately trust and honestly became an issue. 

This is like real life, you do not ask if you do not want the answer.. and do not ask while saying hey I understand that this may be important to you and then when they can not give you the answer you were hoping for it all breaks loose.

But what I don't fully understand in this scenario is why is the brides mom taking the heat.. why didn't the bride say, this is how  "I"  decided to handle the situation... why did it ever become a mom vs mom thing. 

[pam1]

I agree Laurie but with things like how people want to be addressed....MIL can't control everyone and that's the heart of the issue.  They took what she said, tried to make it right for her, which in and of itself is the right thing to do, but she was upset that they didn't do it for everyone.  It's a no win situation and one I think MIL could have prevented if she took a look around and said "it's not about me" 

[LaurieS]

yes or they could have said, this does not work for us bride/groom and let the feathers be a little ruffled.. as it turned out the approach left a little room for being an honest approach.

At least when you're being honest and upfront no one can feel that they were not worthy of your honesty.. when you are trying to blend two families that honesty goes a long way

[pam1]

True but going out on a limb, I'm thinking it's not going to occur to a whole lot of people to feel that this is an issue where they need to be totally transparent. 

[AnonymousDIL]

Well, color me the "Evil DIL" lol I did NOT discuss the invitations with my MIL or my DM. Our parents names weren't on them anywhere. Why? Because they didn't give us a dime. (Not that we wanted any, but today's etiquette says only parents who are paying for the wedding go on the invitation.) We designed our own on cardstock as well. Got nothing but compliments for them. Come to think of it, the invitations were the only thing my MIL didn't complain about ROFL!

I'm sorry that this is stressing you out, BUT your DM and MIL are adults and it isn't your responsibility to fix this. Also, is it really that big of a deal if they don't get along? My MIL/DM simply "coexist." My DM can't stand my MIL. I don't see this as a problem. You don't have a child yet (a year or two away?). This could all work itself out long before a little one comes along and they need to go to b-day parties  together and that sort of thing. If you have apologized to MIL, let it go. (It is probably too late for an apology if you didn't yet).

[LaurieS]

you are an evil dil   I never saw the invites for my ds/dil wedding.. matter of fact I don't even know how they read.. I'd have to go and look at one to see... it hardly mattered to me really... I am not going to sweat the small stuff.

My dd will have financial contributions from sides of her family.. does that mean that whoever gives more gets a larger font?

[musicnerd86]

I failed to mention in the OP that the reason my mom had to call her was because she rejected my call after I got off the phone with DH. I did apologize to MIL the next day about everything and made it clear that our intention was not to offend. She did forgive me and everything went well enough for everyone after that. I know I made a very stupid choice; but, things have more than calmed down overall and I am just getting advice to avoid more stupid choices when possible.

[AnonymousDIL]

Yes, Laurie.... If you give enough, your name can take up the WHOLE thing!!! LOL

[LaurieS]

I was thinking that I might let their name take up the whole thing... I'd save a bundle

Ok music so you've gotten this all worked out lol.. good so  you did not really need us typing away like mad men  

Advice on how to avoid.. put yourself in their shoes every now and then and be honest

[holliberri]

Hi Music,

Welcome to the boards! I hope you have had a chance to read our Forum Agreement under "Open Me First." It sounds like the ladies have some good advice for you!

I do hope everyone in your family can move on, it seems silly now. Initially, though, I can understand MIL's hurt. My MIL goes by her middle name, not her first, and I needed to make sure that at the very least, the invitation reflected what her name was; it's a big part of her identity. MIL also made the request beforehand.

I also have a SIL who is from another country and she regards the married name as a form of ownership and takes offense when she is called by BIL's last name. I think she would react very similarly to your MIL. It absolutely is the bride's day and there are social etiquette things that can be followed, but I think that a parent's given name on an invitation should be as the parents like it before typical social etiquette norms are followed. IMHO.

When my DD/other children get married, I would be really hurt if I not only asked, but she called me something different than I normally go by the invite.

[musicnerd86]

Both of our mothers were set on how they were to be addressed and both sides did help contribute in a financial way, and we felt it appropriate to reflect that on the invites. Knowing that, I guess what I ultimately should have asked was, when is it ok to ruffle feathers?

[AnonymousDIL]

A more open and honest approach probably would have been better. If you had sat down with MIL/DM and said, "We are going to have X invites for My side and Y invites for DH's side." She probably would have been fine with it. That had to be one tough invitation making session..... I am soooo glad I didn't have to go through all that.

But,  it is in the past now and since your MIL forgave you, she will forgive your DM.

[pam1]

Both of our mothers were set on how they were to be addressed and both sides did help contribute in a financial way, and we felt it appropriate to reflect that on the invites. Knowing that, I guess what I ultimately should have asked was, when is it ok to ruffle feathers?

Honestly, I think it's when no one else is paying unfortunately. 

[Pen]

Even then, intentional feather ruffling is so not Miss Manners or Emily Post.

[LaurieS]

I'd rather have my feathers ruffled then to think that someone was not being honest with me.. is that odd?