Coping with Adult Child's Chaotic Household

[pam1]

Is it possible that just one room can be kept clean?  I think you might need time to think how to get it across to her in a manner she won't take offensively, in fact, if you weren't the babysitter, my advice would be to say nothing at all.  But since you are indeed the babysitter, I do think it can be asked and maybe find some ways to help her out. 

And yes, yay for no hoarders. 

I bet she is truly overwhelmed.  I only have 1 husband and 1 child and I'm constantly struggling.  But I'm also a minimalist so that is what saves me. 

[Pooh]

And here goes the million dollar question for me? Are you babysitting for free to help them out?  If you are, I would kindly suggest that you want to help, but you are having a hard time doing it at their house and could they bring them to your house? 

I don't know what else for you to do.  You are helping, but they are not trying very hard to help themselves.  She may truly be overwhelmed, but if you are not comfortable in their surroundings, they need to find someone else to help.  Can they afford to hire someone to organize for them and then a housecleaner once a week?

[CrystalBall]

Welcome CrystalB.  I think the ladies have asked some wonderful questions and I will wait until you have had time to answer before I comment but wanted to say welcome.

Thanks to all you wonderful folks.  I suppose I just need to approach this with common sense...right now we are together organizing the summer clothes....plenty of those....putting away the winter stuff...   Onward to the basement boxes, etc.  What plagues me is that a woman needs to feel as if her home is a place of peace and contentment and I know the environment as it is stresses her.  I will do what I can do when I can do it.  In general, I get a very strong vibe that there are issues, perhaps issues in her marriage thwarting a cooperative effort on both parts. 

[SassyDI]

I guess I don't get why its such a big deal that she is overwhelmed.  I have one child(3) and let me tell you I could clean my condo all day and it still doesn't look like I did a thing.  That is overwhelming for me.  Its like I go clean she comes behind then I feel like I am spending all day cleaning and ignoring DD.  And then I am crying and overwhelmed.  So I do get her.

[LaurieS]

The people I have known who lived in totally unorganized homes usually just did not make the home one of their priorities.  If complaints are met with someone else picking up the slack the complaints are easier to verbalize as time goes on.  Many people treat their finances in the same manner.. late on the bills, short on funds and Mom and Dad bail him/her out.. of course it's done in hopes that a lesson will be learned.  Instead often the case is repeated behavior with Mom and Dad coming to the rescue over and over again.  Eventually Mom and Dad become as much of the issue as the lack of cleanliness and organization.

I'm still not sure of the consequences that you spoke about in  your earlier posting.. what consequences do you feel they could be facing?

[holliberri]

My dad has a housecleaner: she dusts, vaccums, cleans his kitchen and bathroom, and mops and organizes for $50 every two weeks.

This has been twofold: 1.) his house is clean; 2.) he runs around like a madman the night before so the house is "clean for the maid!" Perhaps a stranger stopping by would keep her better organized? I know several people that say a maid has saved their marriage, and if I wasn't such a miser, I'd probably pay someone to do it for me too.

I like Pooh suggestion of possibly having them come to your house...not only would you be more comfortable, you would not be cleaning their place.

Your DD may be overwhelmed, but I hope she's not taking advantage of you. That only adds to any imbalance in her marriage that she alludes to (DH now expects you'll be there to do his part), and it hurts her relationship with you.

[LaurieS]

I guess I don't get why its such a big deal that she is overwhelmed.  I have one child(3) and let me tell you I could clean my condo all day and it still doesn't look like I did a thing.  That is overwhelming for me.  Its like I go clean she comes behind then I feel like I am spending all day cleaning and ignoring DD.  And then I am crying and overwhelmed.  So I do get her.

Sassy, there is a big difference between clean and organized vs neat and tidy ..  I have a feeling that the OP is talking more about cleanliness and organization skills

[CrystalBall]

Is it possible that just one room can be kept clean?  I think you might need time to think how to get it across to her in a manner she won't take offensively, in fact, if you weren't the babysitter, my advice would be to say nothing at all.  But since you are indeed the babysitter, I do think it can be asked and maybe find some ways to help her out. 

And yes, yay for no hoarders. 

I bet she is truly overwhelmed.  I only have 1 husband and 1 child and I'm constantly struggling.  But I'm also a minimalist so that is what saves me.

You're right Pam.  If you're a minimalist it absolutely makes things easier.  I think my daughter is learning that hard lesson now.

[CrystalBall]

And here goes the million dollar question for me? Are you babysitting for free to help them out?  If you are, I would kindly suggest that you want to help, but you are having a hard time doing it at their house and could they bring them to your house? 

I don't know what else for you to do.  You are helping, but they are not trying very hard to help themselves.  She may truly be overwhelmed, but if you are not comfortable in their surroundings, they need to find someone else to help.  Can they afford to hire someone to organize for them and then a housecleaner once a week?

Well, the children are frequently at my home as well.  I did tell her this week quite honestly that her home exhausts and frustrates me as I feel such lack of peace in all the confusion..hence I pitch in to help her and make myself less anxious in this environment.  You hit the nail on the head though....I genuinely do not believe they are trying very hard to help themselves.  I had two children.  I know keeping a decent, orderly home is challenging.  It can be done.  Other things are prioritized.

[Pooh]

I guess I don't get why its such a big deal that she is overwhelmed.  I have one child(3) and let me tell you I could clean my condo all day and it still doesn't look like I did a thing.  That is overwhelming for me.  Its like I go clean she comes behind then I feel like I am spending all day cleaning and ignoring DD.  And then I am crying and overwhelmed.  So I do get her.

Sassy, there is a big difference between clean and organized vs neat and tidy ..  I have a feeling that the OP is talking more about cleanliness and organization skills

I also think that is just a normal part of being a Mother.  Clean, pick-up....go to the bathroom, come back and start over.  It's a never ending cycle of having things around.  When I had children at home, at any given time you would find "things" laying around, but the house was still clean.  It may have needed picking up, but it was clean.  I know there are all kinds of different personalities that deal better with things in different ways, but I have a hard time wrapping my brain around how being overwhelmed isn't just part of being a married couple with children.  I thought that was the norm.

[Pooh]

  I had two children.  I know keeping a decent, orderly home is challenging.  It can be done.  Other things are prioritized.
[/quote]

Ha we were typing pretty much the same thing at the same time. 

[holliberri]

There is only one thing I do to excess (aside from WWU)...that is throwing stuff I don't need away!

It took becoming a wife and mom to figure that out.

I don't think the overwhelmed part is a big deal either...I think every single one of us with kids/job/chores/bills is overwhelmed. We can't do it all at once. And, some days are more overwhelming than others. I had a crying fit on the kitchen floor two weeks ago b/c the handle on my bucket for mopping broke. It just happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I also think that the more help I get from people, the more overwhelmed I feel...only b/c  I remember having had the help and I never learned to streamline my behavior and make adjustments in my routine to "fit it all in." I become reliant on other people.

[CrystalBall]

The people I have known who lived in totally unorganized homes usually just did not make the home one of their priorities.  If complaints are met with someone else picking up the slack the complaints are easier to verbalize as time goes on.  Many people treat their finances in the same manner.. late on the bills, short on funds and Mom and Dad bail him/her out.. of course it's done in hopes that a lesson will be learned.  Instead often the case is repeated behavior with Mom and Dad coming to the rescue over and over again.  Eventually Mom and Dad become as much of the issue as the lack of cleanliness and organization.

I'm still not sure of the consequences that you spoke about in  your earlier posting.. what consequences do you feel they could be facing?

I meant that the disorder is the consequence of too much shopping, and frankly a sort of irresponsible attitude regarding doing what needs to be done, and a consequence likewise of husband's lack of cooperation. 
Like your perspective on complainers getting someone else to pick up the slack, lessons not being learned, parent caught in the endless rescue mode.  I am really going to think hard om that.

[holliberri]

SassyDI, if I didn't say it already, thanks for the site. I think it will help me manage better.

[Pooh]

Holly, that's what I was getting at too.  I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed, and it's legitimate with all we juggle.  You deal with it, and move on to the next overwhelming thing.  You cry about something that's not signifigant, because you have been juggling everything and you move on.  Once the boys were bigger, I was overwhelmed with trying to feed them, find their uniforms and get them to two different ball games at the same time...Lol.  Let's face it, kids are overwhelming many times.  Add school, jobs, volunteer work, grocery shopping, laundry and everything else we all do or did, and it's no wonder we are all bonkers at times.