Author Topic: FDIL said she won.  (Read 15206 times)

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Offline themuffin

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FDIL said she won.
« on: May 03, 2011, 06:23:48 AM »
I wasn't going to write about this.  I was just gonna leave it alone and try to cope.  I was afraid of being judged because actually this time I do feel stupid and take blame.  On Saturday we went to where DS was staying.  He didn't know we knew, and we didn't plan of letting him know, but he was unreachable by phone and we had urgent business we needed to discuss.  Future DIL (FDIL) was there and I know she and I are on VERY bad terms so I told hubby to ask for him.  FDIL slammed the door in his face and locked it.  It had been open and she saw him coming. Anyway, she did get son. Son came out and talked to us.  He had left a note with some money he owed saying this should "sever our ties".  I wanted to know if he meant that he never wanted to speak to us again.  I know it was written to mean just that.  I also know that FDIL helped him write it.  Son doesn't say things like "sever".  Anyhoo...he changed it to mean it should just settle our debts.  I was relieved and I told him that I loved him and that I always would, but that we just couldn't live together.  I said when I couldn't take my mother's rules anymore I left too.  That's how its suppose to be.  We hugged, we said we loved each other and I asked him to stop by the house later because his favorite aunt was there.  I also told him I had a gift for him.

He came by, but I didn't have the gift because it was in the car and the car was still at the shop.  The visit was short but nice.  He told me that he was paying rent at the place they were staying. Par tically bragged about it, but he hated that I asked him to pay twenty bucks a weeks.  Anyhoo...I acted thrilled and bragged on how handsome he looked.  He left and all was well. 

Silly, stupid me really wanted to give him the gift.  It was something cheap, but something personal that I knew he'd like.  So we were running errands and we had the book with us and the house was on the way.  This time I got out the car.  I thought that she would close the door in my face too, but that he would come out, I would give him the gift and all would be well.

NOT WHAT HAPPENED!!!!  FDIL said "YOU ARE NOT WELCOMED HERE!!!"  I asked, "Can you get my son, please."  FDIL, "I'm calling the police".  Me, "Fine. I'll wait for them."  So she's just going off.  This girl who I let live with us for a year and was very good to.  Finally, son comes.  He immediately sides with her.  He told me that she is his future.  I will NOT disrespect her. I shouldn't have come.  Afterall, I'm only his mother.  The mother of his past.  He was angry with me.  And all I wanted to do was give him a gift. 

So here I was holding this gift in my hand while these kids that I had taken care of up until two weeks ago, looked down on me with great anger and hatred.  For reasons that I will never understand.  I left.  I texted him via her phone since he didn't have one, or not one that I had access to.  I told her that he said he paid rent there otherwise I would not have come. She said he pays nothing.  I texted me that she is his future and if I didn't respect and accept her I wouldn't have him.  I said I demand to be respected too.  She wrote, "I have him and you don't, so leave us alone."  Oh and I'll never see the grandkids.   He said the same.  I apologized.  Told them I respect that she is his future and after our business is complete I will accept the fact that I have only two sons.  No reply.   BTW, I don't really care right now about any grandkids. 

I have decided that I don't care for a relationship with him or her.  Sadly, that will include any GC.  But such is life and I shall not die because of it.  Perhaps one day he'll remember he had a good family.  Perhaps not.  He's not dead.  Just a stranger to me.  This would probably hurt more if he were my only child or only son.  But I have two more that love me and tell me so everyday.  I have a husband who also supports me and has also been shunned by same son for no reason.  Hubby says he's fine with it and that DS will have regrets.  Hubby hasn't lost any sleep or had to join a forum.  My middle son tries extra hard to make up for his brother.  My mother calls to remind me of the things we did for them. 

I'm going to live as though I had only two children.  Only thing is that we live in a small town and I get sick thinking we may run into each other.  God, but I hope they move far far away. 

Thanks for letting me vent.

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AnonymousDIL

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2011, 07:00:45 AM »
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that woman is behaving this way. And that your son has sided with her. I will never understand how our family can turn on us like that. So sad for you. Maybe in time (like a long time) they will both mature and they can be a part of your life.  :'(

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Offline themuffin

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2011, 07:08:52 AM »
Thanks so much for that ADIL.  Those hugs really meant a lot to me, as well as the words.  I really appreciate it.

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overwhelmed123

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2011, 07:15:58 AM »
Sorry that this has gotten to the point it has, muffin.  I wish you peace and lots of happiness away from this negativity.

Offline tryingmybest

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2011, 07:21:31 AM »
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Sending you a big hug too. I agree cutting off at this point is the only way to go. no contact, zero because sometimes that's the only way DS can really get a realistic look at his future wife. Right now she's blaming problems all on you and DH because she wants your son cut off from his family of origin.  When you are no longer in the picture things may clear up a bit for your  son. You have done every thing you could do!

LaurieS

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2011, 07:28:11 AM »
Hubby says he's fine with it and that DS will have regrets.  Hubby hasn't lost any sleep or had to join a forum.  My middle son tries extra hard to make up for his brother. 

Oh Muffin... as hard as it is I'm glad you have kept a sense of humor.  Let him find himself and I'm sure he will eventually, don't just write him off.  His gf delivered her message with quite a punch and with some time and separation she too might mature into someone who can first view life through more then just the 'me' mode and also learn to articulate a tad better :) 

You have two other children who want you to be happy, healthy and productive... move towards that direction and you'll be fine.  So often we dwell on those that are pulling away when the easiest way to possibly bring them back is to find happiness in our own lives. Wishing you luck... I found that mani's and pedi's really help me calm down if only for an hour or two.

Let us know how you're feeling later today or tomorrow.. thinking of you

AnonymousDIL

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2011, 07:41:04 AM »
IRight now she's blaming problems all on you and DH because she wants your son cut off from his family of origin.  When you are no longer in the picture things may clear up a bit for your  son. You have done every thing you could do!

Wow, TMB! You just opened my eyes to my SIL. She has done the same thing! Even went as far as to post " i feel like the drama has finally be removed and a weight has been lifted and i can live my life :)" .... Really? Because I RARELY ever saw you. How could I have brought so much drama to you?

My mom sees it too. She is waiting for her cut-off.  :'( How can people be so mean and self-centered?

Muffin, hopefully this does open DS's eyes to the true her. When he suddenly has no contact with anyone that he has ever cared about, he should realize what she has done. Just be there for him, when he comes back. ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

Offline themuffin

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2011, 07:43:18 AM »
Thank you Overwhelmed and Tryingmybest.

I am sorry it has gotten to this point as well.  As I stood there while son looked at me with no love in his eyes, no recognition that I was his mother, I no longer saw my son.  There was this man and yes, he looked like my son, but I felt no connection to him. 

I wanted so badly to be a good MIL someday.  I wanted to treat my DILs like the daughters I never had.  But she never liked me, but even that wasn't her fault.  DS had really made me sound very controlling and a bit in need of therapy.  That truly hurt me because he was the son that I believed truly liked me.  We were very, very close.  It hurt to find out he had so many unkind things to say about me.  Anyway, when she moved in I thought she would see that I was a nice person.  And she said as much after we talked things out.  I thought she and I were actually getting along well.  And all was well until the day before they had to leave.  That was when she let her true feeling show again.  I felt like I had been stuck by a car.  I didn't expect that.  But boy was I glad she did it.  All that time I had her in my home, treating her like family, buying her gifts and trying to make her feel loved.  I even sided with her over him when he kept cheating on her.  I also threw myself between them and refused to allow him to hit her when she spat in his face.  I thought she cared for me because I had grown to care for her. But she didn't. She always hated me and she let it come out and I was actually relieved.  Glad to have known her true feelings.

Tryinmybest, you made a point that I had often thought about.  I do believe that she wants to cut him off from his family.  I believe it's because of her own insecurities.  When he was cheating on her and crying, I held her and she said, "Why does everyone leave me? Why can't they love me?'  That broke my heart.  See, she doesn't have a strong relationship with her mother, as her mother allowed her to be raised many years by family members who she said abused her physically and sexually.  I was so upset with my son for hurting her like that.  Anyway, I think that having him be alienated helps her feel secure that he will be dependent on her.  She'll be all he has and he'll have no place else to go and thus he will never leave her.  He owes her a lot of money and right now they are living in what I now know is her house.   He is totally dependent on her and that's just how she wants it.

I told DS a long time ago, that when you meet someone you love and want to share you life with, it doesn't mean you have them instead of your family.  It means you have them in addition to your family.  He has decided he doesn't need his family.  So sad....

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Offline themuffin

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2011, 08:03:35 AM »

Muffin, hopefully this does open DS's eyes to the true her. When he suddenly has no contact with anyone that he has ever cared about, he should realize what she has done. Just be there for him, when he comes back. ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
[/quote]

ADIL--I'm afraid.  I don't know how I will feel about him when or if he finally decides to come back.  When someone hurts me very badly, someone who I've loved and devoted my life to, I have a hard time letting go.  When someone who I never expected to harm my heart does so with no regard, repeatedly I tend to go cold.  I don't know, perhaps a defensive mechanism.  I am so afraid because I don't know how I would feel about him if he came back.  I know I will always love him, but I just don't see me running to him with open arms and heart when he decides that I'm worthy of his love again.

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overwhelmed123

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #9 on: May 03, 2011, 08:05:21 AM »
Muffin, I can't remember, have you been to a therapist or counselor about this yet?  If not, I think this would be a great time to get it all out to someone who can help keep you on the right track!

Offline themuffin

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2011, 08:07:32 AM »
Nope. you guys have been my only help. ;)  And  you're pretty dang good! :)

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overwhelmed123

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2011, 08:09:55 AM »
Hehehe, well there's no denying that.  Just know that there's always that alternative if you ever feel you need that extra, unbiased support! :)

holliberri

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2011, 08:13:58 AM »
Muffin,

I am so sorry. It sounds like you're doing a darn fine job of taking care of you, and that is all you can do at this point. I do think a lot of  what they were doing was a part of overreacting, and I think that with time, they'll simmer down and come back around. I know that doesn't take away some of the hurt, but  hopefully that is what we're here for.

Offline Scoop

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #13 on: May 03, 2011, 08:14:44 AM »
Muffin - hopefully this time apart will give him a chance to grow up.  I think he needs a healthy dose of reality.

I think that you've seen them at their worst, lying, stealing, cheating, fighting ect and maybe they're a bit ashamed about it.

I think you're only hope right now is time and space (and I don't mean weeks or months, I mean years - sorry).

AnonymousDIL

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Re: FDIL said she won.
« Reply #14 on: May 03, 2011, 08:18:21 AM »

Muffin, hopefully this does open DS's eyes to the true her. When he suddenly has no contact with anyone that he has ever cared about, he should realize what she has done. Just be there for him, when he comes back. ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

ADIL--I'm afraid.  I don't know how I will feel about him when or if he finally decides to come back.  When someone hurts me very badly, someone who I've loved and devoted my life to, I have a hard time letting go.  When someone who I never expected to harm my heart does so with no regard, repeatedly I tend to go cold.  I don't know, perhaps a defensive mechanism.  I am so afraid because I don't know how I would feel about him if he came back.  I know I will always love him, but I just don't see me running to him with open arms and heart when he decides that I'm worthy of his love again.
[/quote]

Well, I'm still pretty young and dumb enough to fall for the repeat offenders lol.... They hurt me, leave me, come back, hurt me again, apologize, hurt me again, you get the picture.

My brother finds it nearly impossible to forgive someone and I am just the opposite. I forgive all the time. True, I don't "let go" of stuff when the person doesn't apologize, but Hey, they are only human.  :-\