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Gifts

Started by pam1, April 28, 2011, 11:03:06 AM

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holliberri

Oh, I think the problem with the gifts like that is you know the amount of thought that went into. It could have cost $1.00, but if there was thought and goodwill behind it, it becomes priceless. That's the very point of gift giving.

I don't mind if you don't spend a lot on me. I won't notice if you get me nothing at all. A thoughtless gift says a lot more than nothing at all.

Rose799

Quote from: Nana on April 28, 2011, 05:33:49 PM
You are a kind-hearted person Pen...and so valuable -- dont ever forget that.  A gift doesnt determine a person's value...by no means....

You're value is immeasurable to many of us here, Pen... 

pam1

Wally Gator, that's it exactly.  I feel extorted for these gifts.  And I feel controlled by their gifts. 

Not pleasant. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

stilltrying2010

Such a loaded subject!
After much resistance in DHs FOO the sibs finally agreed to draw names for neices and nephews (if I heard one more time how bob wouldnt understand at age 12 why he wasnt getting gifts from Aunt & Uncle - give me a break.  Add in that we live away and dont see any of the kids but Maybe once every 1-2 yrs...
Birthdays are my nemisis.  We continue to mail cards with $ in them to all the neices & nephews.  Only 1 family every acknowledges even receiving the card with money.  I take that back my DHs Sister will write a mass email for the yougnest son acknowledging his favorite gifts among the people that sent things and will thank ONLY MY DH for the $ sent.  Umm, its clearly a womans writing and frankly, its my effort.  We've been married since before this kid turned 2... guess the apple doesnt fall far from the tree. Some of the "kids" are in their teens -and I have sent for the last 4 yrs and havent heard a thing even if they got it!  I told my DH perhaps we should write a check so at least I'll know if it were received.  He would stop it all - and sometimes I REALLY want to but I know GSIL would continue to send stuff to our DD making me feel guilty in accepting it (even though the 3 kids mentioned above are HERS).
Where does that leave us? Spinning our wheels & maintaining the status quo.

pam1

Stilltrying, one time I thought I should just send blank gift cards, they would have to call me to activate them LOL.  Then I figured it was too much work.

I dunno, to me it seems silly.  Exchanging the same gift cards, the same amt checks etc.  When I think of giving someone a gift it's b/c I saw something I thought they would like  -- not just a bland acknowledgment. 

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pen

In a situation where you're sending gifts to a million unappreciative family members, why not gift a large donation to a charity in the family name, send out notices to all, and be done with it? Heifer International (heifer.org) has lovely cards you can download and print. I'm sure there are lots of charities that will be appreciative and might actually send you a thank you card!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

justus

Nana, that was a huge assumption about Pen's SM. If it weren't for me, GD, SD and SIL would get horrible gifts for their special days. This year, I left SD and SIL's birthday gifts up to DH and they were awful and late. I did my own kids and they got nice gifts. Next year, you bet I am going to be the one to buy gifts for SD And SIL, because they deserve better. SD knows us well enough that she knows the gifts came from DH. I have been sending her little gifts since her Bday to make up for it.

Could be that this is the case with Pen's Dad. In their M, she gets for her side and he gets for his and maybe he is an awful gift giver, because it isn't important to him, or he is a cheapskate, and he doesn't know how much it hurts Pen.

I think we as women need to get away from thinking that it must always be the woman's fault. The evil SM/MIL/DIL is influencing the men in our lives to hate and neglect us should not be our default position. I tend to do this, too, and DH gently reminds me that the men in my life have choice and are not victims of circumstance.

If it were important to Pen's Dad that she get a good gift, then he would make sure she did. That he doesn't is a failure on HIS part.

stilltrying2010

pam1 - the adult siblings stopped exchanging gifts (gift cards) a when we began drawing names for the kids at christmas.  We choose to send money instead of a gift because a. we don't have regular contact with any of the kids & frankly dont know what they would like and b. when you buy a toys to ship the size or weight can nearly double the cost of the gift.  We figured we'd want THEm to have the $ versus the USPS. 

I guess for ME it comes down to lack of a real relationship.  We dont have one so we dont know them well enough to buy thoughtful gifts on our own or just send what they request.  The lack of acknowledgement, appreciation after the efforts we DO make are what get me.  I know that when you give something you're are giving it from your heart & those things shouldnt matter but after you select, wrap, and ship gifts for a slew of people on to hear crickets in response - it is disheartening.  I guess 50% of the blame lies with us (for the lack of relationship).  Yet we continue on giving & hearing nothing in return - futile.

luise.volta

I know there is a lot going for acknowledgement and thank yous...but something I was taught beyond that by my mom was to give it...let it go...and not expect anything because the giving was/is the point.

Sometimes, I am able to follow her advice...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

pam1

Luise, that's a good point.  That's how I've always been, until now.  The only thing I can figure is that my mind is telling me it's just time to stop.

Pen, I love that idea. 

ST, I know what you're saying.  Perhaps it wouldn't bother me so much if there was a relationship that goes with it. 
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

Pen

Justus, you're right; it is my dad's responsibility. He made the mistake of turning over the financial reins to SM. She runs the show now; he has no $$ to call his own. She makes all decisions, financial and otherwise. He's been a weenie for years, even when he didn't have to be. Somehow he became convinced that she should be the financial manager. Now he's dependent due to age and infirmities.

Nana, you're also right. I think my dad thinks SM is taking care of us the way she takes care of her kids & grandkids, but she has never accepted us into "her" family. He can't get out to shop anymore and isn't an internet shopper. In fact, I noticed he had no foul weather jacket the last time I was there, so I bought him one. Apparently SM isn't shopping for him, either.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Rose799

After discussions about entitlements, it's refreshing to know there are sensible dd's/dil's...  I'm happy to get gc' drawings for the fridge -- & ecstatic over handprints!   I still have dc' hand made ornaments (pretzel reindeer*)

Dd made calendars last year for gp's, listing holidays & b-dates.  Love it, love it, love it!

Pen

Rose799, I love handmade gifts as well, especially from children. I too have kept all the ornaments my kids made. Lots of glitter, LOL.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

pam1

Quote from: Sassy on April 28, 2011, 03:40:31 PM
I wouldn't confront anyone about not sending DH or me a gift, either.   Oh heavens, no.   Gifts not given are not meant to be received.   No demanding gifts.   But I would take a pointed "no gifts for you" message for what it is, and happily follow suit.   It's about as nonconfrontational as it gets.   It could be argued that it's rude and quite embarassing to give a gift to someone who does not want to exchange them.  (Well, as you know!)

Sassy, I was thinking about this for a few days lol.  You know, if my siblings had demanded of my husband to first: buy them gifts for all holidays and then second: ignored his birthday....I'd have a cow.  I wouldn't care what's polite or not.  To me, it comes across as extreme disrespect.  It has nothing to do with the actual gift, it's the actions.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift