How Do I Change So It Doesn't Hurt So Bad

[LadyD]

Just love all the support and encouragement I get here!!! 

[Smilesback@u]

Me too, we are in the same boat really because we are being mothers and dealing with insensitivity that hurts.  Take care, you are very welcome.  Glad to have something helpful to offer to you.  hugs,

[Ruth]

I am 100% convinced that the only hope I have for any reconciled, healthy relationship with my ds is by not communicating to him, either verbally or nonverbally, that I need it.  He wrote to me a few years ago the lines 'you're the one who needs a relationship with me, I don't need one with you, so you need to watch it'.  That will not happen again, I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. 

As long as our adult children - and I do mean adult children as opposed to adult adults - can feel they have power to make or keep a secure place in our lives, we are jerked around by the bad behavior.  I don't believe this is something you can fake it till you make it, its imperative to become your own person, to accept the adulthood status of the children, and quit clinging to their coat tails. 

[Smilesback@u]

That sounded very painful - *you're the one who needs a relationship with me, I don't need one with you, so you need to watch it* and even a bit threatening and very inappropriate.  Sorry you had to go through that.  Hugs,   

[luise.volta]

None of us "need" abuse.

[Smilesback@u]

Right luise.  My definitions for emotional abuse = threats to your well-being, intimidating, rejecting, withholding affection, power and controlling behaviors, blaming relationship problems on you.  Shout *Foul* 

[luise.volta]

NOW!

[SunShine]

I have the same problem. My dh said, "Remember when we were growing up and everyone expected us to go to grandma's and grandpa's, because they were older and we were expected to put out the effort to drive there?"  So true, as I never expected my mother to drive to me. I went to her house for the holidays. Today's kids now want us to go to them. It was never like that in my youth. They also don't take age into consideration. One day we won't be able to make the trip. They do all claim they are exhausted because everyone works... as if some of us don't! I have invited my stepson and wife over numerous times. I'm tired of having to drive 1 1/2 hours to see them. I'm tired of having to drive 2 hours to see DD, but she now expects this. Her schedule is worse than ours you see. This is the 'entitlement generation'... everyone owes them everything. I don't know what to say to you, but to sympathize. I think a lot of us are in this boat. This whole 20 and 30 something generation can't be bothered to do anything for us at all. They feel entitled to have everything done for them. My choice now is to get a nice sailboat to retire on with my dh and set off into the sunset and have fun with him. We are both tired and just want some years together. I'm sorry if I have no words of wisdom here. I guess what I'm saying is to enjoy your life and do something you always wanted to do.

[Smilesback@u]

You know Sunshine, your words are valued because you are not alone in this.  WWF helps show us that we do not have a unique experience here, so you can take comfort in that and not go stark raving mad or into deep depression.  We reach out to each other and note that we share in having unrealistic expectations and upsets thrust upon us.  Being here on WWF helps de-confuse us, and affirm our feelings so we get stronger and happier with ourselves.   Where do you draw the line?  If I had caved into the idea that we were expected to live the rest of our lives in the same city as our GC and help raise them in order to see them, we would have moved more than once - uprooting ourselves, leaving our jobs, friends, selling our house, all because we were expected to close to the *the family*.  Oh yeah - sound familiar?  Let's see, if we actually fell for that, that would mean we would have made three moves across the United States now three times in 3 years.  And even now, there is talk of DS/DIL moving again, if transferred, *for the job* which does not have anything to do with us, not our fault, and not so that GC are moving to be closer to where GP live.  That is life, isn't it?  You are expected to make a living, raise your family and get together over holidays or vacations with relatives (that's us).  We did it, and now it is the next generation's turn.  Congrats to us to have our health and live to a ripe old age - and enjoy our golden years.  If there is no blame, then all is good.  It is the understanding and sympatico that is missing that takes the brightness out of getting older for me.  We will do what we can for visits, and try not to stress about the rest - whether it is enough, whether they have money to buy a house, pay for college etc.  We are looking out for ourselves and trying not to be a burden in our old age.  The baton has been passed to them, whether they like it or not.  Diapers, pull-ups, school, college - and then you are on your own.  Or so we thought?   

[Ruth]

I have already made the decision that this year I will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my elderly Mom in another state.  It isn't up for discussion with dc.  If they want to be there, that's fine, it not, cool.  I'm not chasing my children down any more on holidays.  It is the children's responsibility to honor their parents on holidays at the very least, I'm ashamed of all these years I followed my children around like a desperate puppy. 

[SunShine]

Oh ladies. Yes, I came on here to not feel alone in all of this. I'm still totally confused. You all have put into words what I could not. I usually find it easy to give advice, but I don't seem to be able to give myself any and when a problem such as this one comes up that LadyD posted... I'm in the same boat. What to do?.... so I will be reading all the responses on this great question and I feel so sorry LadyD that you are going through this. I don't want to feel like a depressed puppy either. I'm thinking of getting in the car with my dh, my DS and just driving to Florida to see my elderly FIL over Christmas. I can't worry about if my DD will be home or if my DSS (dear step son) will be around. I think my DD is learning her manners from her eldest brother who has not been to my house in 15 years! Yes, they do make demands on us LadyD. For me, Ruth has my answer to that... go visit someone who isn't making demands on you and spend time with them. I think I will be taking that advice. There is a lot of advice on here and I hope LadyD something will strike you as the right thing for you. Smiles, thanks. I will be reading many more posts. I find it so easy to give advice... but when I'm in the same boat. I don't know how to give myself advice or LadyD.  We can only do so much in life and we can't change every time some else does. That's so true. I still want to take a year or two and sail around with dh actually. That really is a dream of mine. He's retiring in two years. Counting down here. It may wake my kids up too. ) 

[LadyD]

Thank you for all of your great responses.  As always, I am getting wonderful advice here from those who are in similar situations.  SunShine I know what you mean about this 20 and 30 something generation.  Why do they feel so privileged in their lives?  I also like the idea Ruth about spending the holidays with people who truly care about you.  My MIL is 89 years old, very self-sufficient, but lives by herself.  Usually I have the entire family over for Thanksgiveing and Christmas (with no help from DD or DIL with the cooking).  My MIL is always with us for the holiday meals, but I think this year I am just going to have quiet holidays with my DH and MIL.  It will be very different, but I know everything will be appreciated.

SunShine, I know what you mean about this great forum.  Kudos to Luise Volta for starting this website.  When I feel really down about my situation, I come to this website and read what others are going through and I don't feel alone any more. 

Hang in there all.  Hugs

[Pooh]

Hang in there ladies.  As I read through these posts, all I could think of was this.  Is it harder to live day to day wondering if the only reason our children stay in our lives is because they are receiving things (money, gifts, etc.)  We feel it, but yet we still want to believe it's not true so we torture ourselves with doubts and second-guesses.  Or is it easier to finally say "enough" and see if that is truly the reasons they stay in our lives?

I say the "enough" way is better.  At least we know the truth and can without a doubt, know it is not us, but them.  It is in their court to change and we can move on past the doubts.  I used to love the saying "give them enough rope and they will hang themselves."  I think in many of our stories, it is true.  I for one, am glad I said "enough" to OS.  It allowed me to see his true self and realize that even though he is my son, he is not the boy I raised.  He has taken a different path as an adult than I expected, but it's his path to take.  It's my choice if I want to plod behind him on that path, head down, feeling rejected and begging for his attention, or I can leave his path and strike out down my own paths, having laughter, fun and adventure.  I choose my own path.

[LadyD]

Pooh:

I know exactly what you mean.  It is hard to believe that our children seem to not care about us as the one who raised them and not just as one who is there when they need monetary support or babysitting services.  It hurts very much, but like you I know I need to be strong and start living my life the way I should be living it.  I think of the sayings "absence make the heart grow fonder" and "if you love something set it free, if it truly loves you it will return."  I am just letting go and holding on to hope....I won't give up on the hope.

And, it's funny...my life since, my DD and DS have stopped all contact with me has actually been a lot better (time wise and financially), so I need to start focusing on what is positive about this situation instead of what is negative.  This website, the support of my DH and also some counseling are helping me to hang in there too!!  Hugs

[Pen]

Great attitude here! I'm learning, I'm learning. It's great to reconnect with my DH and pursue our hobbies and activities knowing our AC are just fine w/o us. The holidays are coming & they will take us down if we are not prepared, so this is a good time to get our priorities straight and make plans that suit us rather than waiting to be miserable when our expectations aren't met.

One thing though - when we generalize about a generation (20 - 30 year olds, for example) it's not fair to those in that group who are caring, kind to their FOOs/ILs, hardworking and self-reliant. I don't want to be thrown into the usual "Evil MIL" or "Controlling Mom" categories either, lol!