How Do I Change So It Doesn't Hurt So Bad

[Ruth]

As always, there were many wonderful responses to your heartbreaking problem with your family.  I esp loved the one from the elderly aunt 'now its time to be quiet'.   TAKE A DEEP BREATH, BELOVED.   CLOSE YOUR SWEET EYES, AND AS YOU INHALE, REMEMBER THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS IN LIFE, THINK OF THE MORNING AND FLOWERS AND DEW AND SOFT RAIN AND LOVELY WHITE SNOW AND SONGS AND SONGBIRDS.   Do a quieting exercise whenever you feel the panic and horror rising up inside you and churning out negative feelings.  All of us are hurting here in some way.  Release all of it for now, and just take time out to find out who you are and listen to the message that your heart will give you.   This isn't my usual 'type' of message here, but its what I felt I should give you.   The one thing I WOULD do is lavish my grandchildren with loving cards and emails if they are old enough, and not even focus on gifts, etc.   Grandmothers and very precious and memorable to children, it takes more than this to erase a good grandmother.   It isn't quantity of time that really counts, but communicating to them the honest loving heart that you have.   Keep reading other stories and you can go forward from here, letting all the malcontents find their own path, as all of us have to do.   

[Smilesback@u]

love your post Ruth, and thank you Pen for affirming that I am a responsible adult who can take care of my own needs.  Also, I would like to add that I have the right to determine how I do that.  You also are right that the extra costs are worth it for this visit.  I had a learning experience one time when we were invited to stay and then told the day before we arrived to go to a motel because we scheduled an activity during GK's nap time.  I also have visited when I did not have a car and felt trapped.   So it is so helpful to know that I am not alone and that GKs are so worth the trouble.  Hugs,     

[LadyD]

Update on this situation....I'm trying to stick to my guns and not allow the negative behavior towards me to continue.  Also, told my DD that I was "cutting off all money supply to her"  Now, neither my DS, DIL, nor DD are speaking to me.  I have sad days...and can't understand why they don't miss me?  I know I miss them, but I need to maintain some respect.  Thanks for listening.

My adult son and daughter-in-law have cut off ties with my 3 grandchildren because I am ignoring their "demands."  I have tried all through their marriage to meet their demands as far as my grandchildren.  The occasions when I have been able to see the kids is either if I go to their sporting events, if I go to their house to visit or babysit, or if I invite them to a holiday dinner.  They feel I should go to their house more often to spend time with the kids. But, tell me that to bring the kids to my house just for a visit is too much trouble for them because they both work.  (I also work full time.) My daughter has 2 of my other grandchildren who I also spend time with (basically under the same conditions as above).  My son and daughter-in-law become angry if I spend time with my other 2 grandchildren and my daughter becomes angry if I spend time with my other 3 grandchildren.  My son and daughter are always angry with me over these situations and I am at my wits end.  I can't please everyone and I spend most of my time very distraught because someone is usually angry at me for one reason or another.  I have been to counseling.  My pain is that because of this situation I am losing my relationship with my grandchildren.  I need some input on how to handle this without giving in to all the selfish demands of my children.  Also, for some reason, and can't tell you what it is because I do not know.  My daughter-in-law is constantly telling (or writing) me that I am a bad mother.  I can only assume that my son is filling her head with something he didn't (or doesn't) like about me in the past.  I divorced their dad for recognizable reasons when they were fairly young.  I struggled financially to feed and clothe them, worked full-time and managed to keep them all on sporting teams and always went to all of their games.  Eventually I remarried.  My husband used to tell me (and still does) that he felt I did everthing necessary to raise goods kids except that I did too much for them when they really should have been doing some things themselves.  I really believe that I was a good mother to them.  My son always had a taste for expensive things (even when he was young) and I could not give these things to him for financial reasons.  I truly believe he has a deep embedded resentment towards me because I could not always give him the things that his friends had.  I think he was ashamed of me.  My daughter can be manipulative in trying to get me to do things for her (even now) and if I say "no" when she asks me to do something...that is not an answer that suits her.  PLEASE HELP!!

[Rose799]

I need to maintain some respect.

Yes, and a little goes a long way...  (((hugs)))

[Ruth]

Good for you!   Yes, I understand that sinking feeling of, 'why don't they miss me'?  This is something hard to come to terms with.  I have been stuck there and still struggle with it.  I think it has a lot to do with the expectations many of us had as Moms that we would and should always be the center (or very nearby) of their lives, to be the Matriarch and to be loved and revered, like most of us do our own aging and precious Mom's.  I'm trying to readjust that thinking and know that it isn't in my power to make that happen.  I'm not even sure its based on how 'good' a Mom we were or weren't its the personality of the son or daughter.  Some people have it in them to value and cherish and live in a state of gratitude and forgiveness, others seem to be self centered from day one.  all I can say is that you have to get stronger and become a whole person with developing a life of your own, whether its animal rescue, soup kitchen, nursing home, etc there's lots of opportunities to make your life count.

[luise.volta]

Let go of what suits her and connect with what suits you. Self-respect is the base of external respect.

[LadyD]

Ruth,

Thank you.  You are so right.  Over the years my own dear mother and I may have had a few misunderstandings, but never did I ever disrespect her or expect her to support me in any way as an adult. Or, for that matter did I expect financial support from her even when I was on my own with my 3 children after my divorce.

I quess there are just some individuals who have a sense of entitlement.  I know that I certainly did not instill that characteristic into my children.  It helps to hear that it could possibly just be their own individual character and not a result of how they may have been brought up.  Thank you for the confidence.  I'm going to start thinking more about my own life, and how I can improve on that.

[Smilesback@u]

I re-read your post and again think it is well said LadyD - and I agree with luise and ruth.  Self respect does come across.  You get thumbs up from me for saying No to *demands* whenever it suits you! .  Even *nice people* will take advantage of someone if they let them.  And just know that just by being born, you are somebody - and you do matter everyday of all of your life.  You also have the right to not like how your family treats you.    You can choose to say THAT to them too whenever you hear the *bad mom* message.  Kick up some dust -- and then when it settles back down, you can tell them they are welcome to visit you too, that you'd love to see the GC whenever they can arrange time.  My DS/DIL made the demand that they will ONLY visit me if they can leave their kids (2 & 4 yo) for a week so they could go on a much needed vacation.  I said "That's not my agenda"; and, added that when I am retired and they are school-age, I would love to have them come for a visit in the summer.   (Even then, there will be limits on how long).  So I am getting used to seeing GC on my own $$dime, a couple times a year.  To help get through the missing times - I am working on making GC scrapbooks of our visits together as a visual reminder that I love them.  I plan to bring these photo albums with me each time we visit and enjoy with the GC.  (I am afraid to leave them because the scrapbooks might get *lost*).  I trust in the bond I have made with my GC, and my DS that I will continue to be allowed to see the GC on my own terms.  I will visit a couple times a year, give affordable personal birthday and Christmas gifts (not big ticket items) and I will save my money for these visits.  But in reality, the GC NEED and LOVE their parents more than me as a GP.  I need their parents to be strong and do a good job with the GC.  I am there for moral support, not monetary support and not babysitting service.  My limits are because I have a life too after raising my kids - that's natural.  Even if I choose to stay home and putter around in retirement, that's ok!  I am not expected to spend my retirement and money on the GC when their parents are healthy and able to raise them.  I send them my love and blessings though.  And when it does not suit them, I will have to say *Sorry you feel that way, and I hope you don't let your feelings keep GC from knowing their GP*.  Seems to me, that being a GP has its heart breaks only to make our hearts stronger.  You show that strength!  Hugs     

[LadyD]

Dear Smilesback@u:

Thank you for your wise words.  I am grateful for this forum, it is so helpful. 

[luise.volta]

You're very welcome here.

[Keys Girl]

Dear Lady D,

It's very painful when your children hold you hostage.  I don't have any grandchildren but I can attest that after a while, the found sadness of the "cold shoulder" gives way to the peace and quiet and freedom of choice when no one else "pulls your strings" except yourself.

As someone else once told me, "I didn't raise my children for them to make my life miserable, I raised them to grow up and get their own lives".

Say "No" to them and "Yes" to yourself. 

Take a break from the hostility and unplug from them and anyone else who doesn't treat you well.

Just say "Buh-Bye"

[LadyD]

Dear Keys Girl:

It has been a while since I have been involved in the drama of my DS's and DD's lives.  At first, I didn't know how I would go on not having my DS, DD and GC in my life, and yes, I still have my "days" where I miss them terribly.  However, as time goes by I have been taking the time to step back and look at my own life.  This is something I haven't done since before my children were born, and even then I had so much going on in my own family life I don't think I knew who I really was.  Now, I find myself having time to stop, smell roses (and all other types of flowers) and think about who I really am.  When I think about who I am I discover that I'm not all that bad of an individual.

I have never said "yes" to myself.  I'm learning to do that more often and it is starting to grow on me.

I will more than welcome my DS and DD back into my life as long as they come back with maturity and responsibility for their own lives and respect for mine.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my situation with my DS and DD.  This forum has been so helpful to me.

[Pen]

This is what the site is all about. Good progress, and good post.

[Smilesback@u]

Good process you are in...saying Yes to yourself, and nurturing yourself.  Over the weekend, I finished my scrapbook about our visit in August with the GC.  It took all day on the costco.com photo center, uploading, captioning, arranging and finalizing.  And I feel it was time well spent -- that had me dwelling on my feelings and perspective.  I will share the book with DS/DIL/GC when we visit again at Thanksgiving.  (This is my book, so they can purchase a book for themselves through costco if they really want one.  I am not chasing them down for affection and approval anymore.  I am relishing in my own heartfelt pleasure from visiting the GC).  I think refocusing on myself helps alot and sends out the vibe to my DS/DIL that I am full of respect for myself and dignity and devaluing myself when I feel rejected.  I will participate in their lives on my own terms in cooperation with their busy lives - and I have a heart full of love for them.  If they do not approve of how I show it, or that I don't jump when they say jump, it makes no nevermind to me anymore.  Really working on that too, sometimes I just don't feel so confident.  However, if I get a *hit* from them ever again that feels degrading or belittling, I will say in so many words to them - Cut it out!    And then proceed to detach, let go of expectations that things will be any different between us.  It may be that you will experience this too, a lack of maturity and lack of sensitivity, but You will have options like we all do, to get on with your life, without carrying around feelings of misery and loss, and can come back to your own peace of mind and happy place - because you love yourself and your life.  Anyways, that may sound like a lot of whoohoo, but it is all I have got so far to offer.  My wounds are fairly fresh, but I do have some healing going on and hope the same for you too.   Hugs,   

[Smilesback@u]

Update on this situation....I'm trying to stick to my guns and not allow the negative behavior towards me to continue.  Also, told my DD that I was "cutting off all money supply to her"  Now, neither my DS, DIL, nor DD are speaking to me.  I have sad days...and can't understand why they don't miss me?  I know I miss them, but I need to maintain some respect.  Thanks for listening.  PS:  I would refrain from *announcing* that I am not going to send money - as I think actions speak louder than words, and avoids unpleasantries.  I'd rather they be responsible for how they feel about not getting money and bring that up to talk about with me if they want.  And if they do, less said is better I think.  Saying something like *I am saving my money to visit you and think that is better way to show my love for you."