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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


How Do I Change So It Doesn't Hurt So Bad

Started by LadyD, April 30, 2011, 09:19:26 am

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Smilesback@u

I am new to WWU and do not know how to exactly show you support other than letting you know you are not alone.  Go ahead and stand up for yourself -- you have a bond with your family that cannot be broken and that doesn't entitle anyone to hurt you.  It is a shock to get hurt by your own family, but detaching with love is excellent advice.  In my history, I have experienced unrealistic expectations and threatened with no visits unless I meet them.  I am calling their bluff on my next visit...We will go on see them this Friday at great expense since they moved away last October.  We will be flying across country, renting a car and staying 9 days in a nearby B&B around the corner. I am setting limits on what I will and will not do as a GM, just like I did as a mother of 3 sons.  Only now, with the support of WWU, I am going to do it smiling, laughing and basically enjoying the heck out of seeing the GK.  I will sleep in, I will fend for myself for meals, I will arrange time to see the GK -- but I will not be sleeping in a pull out couch in their living room where there is no privacy, and I will not be woken up whenever the girls get up (typically early being 5:00 am) and I will not cook - I will treat the family to 2 meals out and that's it.   You need to find find your way with the support of other WWU.  Trust yourself, you will know what to do.  You are worth it!   Be Brave and Strong, and love the heck out of those GK.  They need your love, hugs and kisses :)

Smilesback@u

Oh, ps - I offered to watch the GK overnight once or twice if they want to plan it.  There will be limits on that too -- I am not staying in the pullout couch so they can sleep in their cozy bed. If they go to a hotel, we will stay in their bed -- with clean sheets and towels.  WOW!  Aren't I demanding?  That's what a little support from WWU will do to you -- I wonder what a lot of support will do?  Heaven help us  ;D
 

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Smilesback@u

I am feeling so much better...I am going to be a GREAT grandmother, not really great grandmother, just I will love those GK and have a great time - you know what I mean?  Thanks WWU and luise.  I am getting healthier and happier.   8)

luise.volta

Good for you!

(My great grandbaby is in college!  ;D ;D ;D )
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Smilesback@u


luise.volta

Nope, I graduated when I was 17 and went through nurses training, a mother at 21, a grandmother at 42 and a great grandmother at 63.  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Smilesback@u

I want to be a great grandmother, but at 60 I am happy to have 2 GK.  You have good healthy genes - long life to YOU.  peace

luise.volta

I have two gransons. One is an attorney in Seattle and the other is a computer games designer in Paris.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Smilesback@u

That's awesome - we have lawyers in common (oldest son is tax lawyer in NYC) of course computer game design with us too having several sons into computer programming for games.  WOW in Paris -- ever go for a visit?  Need a proxy? :)

luise.volta

Nope. I never have wanted to go to Europe. Not an art or history buff and don't travel well. Haven't been on a plane since I moved here in 2000. (Went to Kauai that time to see Kirk and Sandy just before my eldest son died.)

My grandson is some kind of big pooh-bah with a top computer games company. (Forgot the name, of course.) He is VP of Creative Design or some such. His dad, my eldest son, called those games "Human Humiliators!"   ;D ;D ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Smilesback@u

I am sorry to hear of your loss luise.  Sincerely, hugs.

luise.volta

June 20, 2000. I have written about it here often. He was well but had sleep apnea. Had a great day at work (a computer genius,) and died in his sleep of an apnea induced stroke. Never even woke up. Was curled up on his side with his eyes closed. A very gentle passing but hard on those left behind. When my granson called to tell me, he left a Voicemail that something terrible had happened and I knew Dwight was dead. I don't know how. I told Val before I even called my grandson back and I heard (in my head), Dwight, say..."I'm fine mom." So I made it though really well.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Quote from: Smilesback@u on August 02, 2011, 03:55:40 pm
I am new to WWU and do not know how to exactly show you support other than letting you know you are not alone.  Go ahead and stand up for yourself -- you have a bond with your family that cannot be broken and that doesn't entitle anyone to hurt you.  It is a shock to get hurt by your own family, but detaching with love is excellent advice.  In my history, I have experienced unrealistic expectations and threatened with no visits unless I meet them.  I am calling their bluff on my next visit...We will go on see them this Friday at great expense since they moved away last October.  We will be flying across country, renting a car and staying 9 days in a nearby B&B around the corner. I am setting limits on what I will and will not do as a GM, just like I did as a mother of 3 sons.  Only now, with the support of WWU, I am going to do it smiling, laughing and basically enjoying the heck out of seeing the GK.  I will sleep in, I will fend for myself for meals, I will arrange time to see the GK -- but I will not be sleeping in a pull out couch in their living room where there is no privacy, and I will not be woken up whenever the girls get up (typically early being 5:00 am) and I will not cook - I will treat the family to 2 meals out and that's it.   You need to find find your way with the support of other WWU.  Trust yourself, you will know what to do.  You are worth it!   Be Brave and Strong, and love the heck out of those GK.  They need your love, hugs and kisses :)


Excellent job taking care of your needs, Smiles! I find that having control over my surroundings and transportation while visiting potentially hurtful family members empowers me and removes a lot of the stress. After one visit where I was more or less held prisoner while being  berated for my many shortcomings, I decided to never again be stuck w/o a car or a place to retreat. It only took me 50 years to figure it out, LOL. The extra expense is worth it; just think what you'll save in counseling fees and psych meds! Plus, stress is not good for the waistline. Have a great time!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb