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How Do I Change So It Doesn't Hurt So Bad

Started by LadyD, April 30, 2011, 09:19:26 AM

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lancaster lady

Alohamora.......another case of holding gk's to ransom.......if you don't do as I say you won't get to see them .How often have we heard those words on this forum ? I'll never understand this method of control .....another unanswerable 'why' question .

forever spring

When things got rough and unbearable my lovely wise aunt who died aged 94 always said. 'Now it's the time to be quiet'. She was so right. Sometimes it's better NOT to do something.
As long as we hang in there, our GK may come to us when they are bigger and able to make decisions for themselves. This is the hope that I cling to in sad times.
I often felt when I was round my DIL that my 3 year old GS got the impression that I was just a home help or some kind of ancilliary rather than a special person. In situations such as those I thought it's better not to be there.
Hang in there, vent here and enjoy the company of people who have been there and can understand.
Much love and hugs!

lancaster lady

when my DIL and I had our heart to heart , I made it clear that I wanted a relationship with my GD , and after not seeing her for 4 months , I couldn't see how she would know who I was .
So  now I see her on a regular basis and she knows who her Nona is , the squidgy lady who hugs her to death .
I still think if possible it's better to have everything out in the open , rather than suffer in silence .

LadyD

Hi Everyone:

I don't know if I needed to start a new subject, but a new problem has come up that I need to talk about regarding my daughter.  Here it goes...

My daughter and her live in boyfriend (also the father of one of my GS) are probably going to lose their house.  The BF is telling D she and my other GS need to get out because she has not worked for over a year and is not contributing to any of the bill payments.  Of course D is calling me and telling me that she and my other GS need a place to live.  My husband and I are not going to let them come to our house.  It is very hard for both of us to tell her this, but what else can we do.  She is 30 years old.  When she was 19 she had my first GS (by someone other that the BF).  D and GS lived with us for four years (no rent, no help with any of the bills, etc.) then she started dating BF and he moved in with her while she and GS were with us during those 4 years and finally my husband and I put our foot down and they all moved out (into the house they are now losing).  I'm trying to stay strong in telling my D she cannot move back in with us.  As a result, all day I have been receiving threatening phones calls from D (i.e. telling me I will never see my GC and that I am a horrible mother).  I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.  This verbal/mental abuse from my DIL and now from my D is really hurting me right to the core.  Thanks for listening.

themuffin

Hi Lady D,

  Oh this is a tough one.  I made similar mistakes with my DS.  He's younger than your DD but he did move out, I let him come back.  He came and GF moved in (just kinda happened). DS was asked to contribute $20 a per, but only after he insisted on keeping their room at tropical temperatures.  They gave nothing toward any other bills or rent for that matter.  Lord, twice they bought two two liter sodas and they made such a fuss of letting us know you would have thought they paid the mortgage.  Anyway, DS and GF or FDIL (whatever) were both given the boot for many reasons.  I happen to know that DS is going to struggle to stay on is own and he may very soon fall on hard times.  I truly believe that he's rather live in his car than admit the was wrong and ask to return, BUT if he did I would say "NO".    I have practiced this in my head for a few weeks now. 

I would not allow a person to live in my personal space if they were not worthy of being there.  My home is my refuge from the world.  The last thing I would want there is a son who was using me again.  Same thing with your daughter.  How dare she try to hurt you by using your GC.  She doesn't seem to care too much about your feelings.  I would hate having a person like that in my life.  And if you give in to her demands now, there's no telling where she'll stop.  Whenever she wants something she'll threaten to cut you off from your GC.  Nip it in the bud now!!!

I wish I had never let DS come back.  It was the worst thing for our relationship.  Not to mention my own peace of mind.  I truly hated coming home.  I no longer looked forward to the weekends.  You home is your happy space.  Tell DD that you will do all you can to help her find a place but you are afraid it just won't work if she moves back in.

Hugs

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LadyD

Hi Muffin:

Thank you for your response.  You are totally right.  My DD is being very selfish and again manipulative.  My husband and I love our "at home" time.  We work very hard all week and enjoy our down time.  Also, what you were saying about financial contribution is so similar to how it was when my DD and BF lived with us before moving out.  Not only do I know this would not work for personal reasons, but I also know it would not work financially.  I just have to be strong and prepare myself to be able to endure the heartbreak that I am anticipating in not seeing my GC.




sonrisa

My heart goes out to you. I have also had similar issues with DS and DIL.  One of the comes to mind is the term "culling the herd".  It sounds as if your DIL is doing that. Pushing you away and telling you are the "bad mother". She is trying to establish her hierarchy/status within her family DS and gkids.  One way to do it is if she controls their interaction with you.

My DIL and DS lived with us quite awhile and when DS would come out to help us with the yard or some other activity, the minute he did Dil would be yelling out the window for him to come in, calling his cell phone a million times or send the gkids out so the he would not be with us alone.  Heaven forbid he and I went out to do something, 2 minutes down the road her angry calls would start.

No matter what you do it is not good enough when the culling begins.  Even on Mother's day I could hear her berating my DS because I did not get her a gift or something, even though I had taken out to lunch.  Heaven forbid if my DS would wish me a Happy Mother's Day in front of her. The best thing for you is just let her be. You can still see your grandkids if you babysit, that is really great as in some cases the grandmother does not even have that opportunity.  Find other activities that are joyful for you, they may pull away the gkids for a little while, however the service that you provide babysitting is an important one and a cheap one for them. 

I think that once DIL feels secure in her status, the insecurities she has with you will start to diminish. My DIL & DS when they lived with us, would try to prevent me from seeing my gkids even when they were under my roof.  They would enter through a different door and rush the children to their rooms.  I really would chuckle under my breath when they did this.

I know it hurts, at times it hurt me. But, I knew eventually they would come around as I would babysit without charging, they could trust me with the gkids, and I had more money than they did to spend on the gkids for the necessities. 

Hug yourself, you are a good grandma to those gkids.

LadyD

Sonrisa:

Thank you...this is a wonderful website.  I love hearing what you all have to say regarding my dilemma(s). It really helps to know that there are so many others who have problems similar to mine. 

Hugs

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

I got all my sisters with meeeeee.......... ;D

Hang in there LadyD.  Don't answer the phone when she calls.  Let it go to voice mail and then delete it.  You do not have to suffer verbal abuse because of choices she made.  I don't blame you for not letting her move back after the first go-around.  I also know you are afraid of not being able to see GC.  It hurts.  It will hurt more if you continue to let her use you.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Donna

Dear Lady D.

You started - you have recognized what is wrong in life, and you found a forum which is filled with wise women who will listen to you, give you advice and help you through this painful process.

The most wonderful advice I can share with you, is that you are far from alone in your struggle.  I was so amazed at how many women suffer from their DS, DD, DIL, SIL, etc., it is so unfair; as it seems the world has lost the word called respect and honor they father and they mother.  However, those are old words, and obviously not in the minds of those children who put us through these horrific expectations, and continue to hurt us with words which are sometimes worse than swords.

You asked for advice, so my advice is, you have found a place where you can discover you are far from alone, and come to understand this is "abnormal" normal behaviors, and in this you can start forgiving yourself and questioning all that you were not able to do, but honor and celebrate all that you were capable of doing and so did. 

Competition over which grandchildren is far from new; as is children, this has been going on forever.  The only way to stop these things from happening, is to reject the behaviors, and not let any of those awful words get into your brain or your heart.

Know there is only so much you can do, choose what you wish to do, and you set your limits for your life, and also your expectations. 

I am wondering at this point, when we as mothers, do this; how many adult children finally get it, and realize what they have done.

I encourage you to take back your life, set your boundaries, and simply honor each grandchild the same, regardless of the parents.  Offer each of the parents the same, whatever they accept fine, what they reject who cares, you offered.  If they can not make the effort to come to you as they both work, well you work too; and in life it is about compromise. 

Who they are hurting are their own children, as they take from those children their grandmother.  The abuse continues, but you have the power to stop it; by not conforming to it, by taking control of your life, and living it as you wish.  If they choose not to compromise and come half way, it's their loss.  You have no control over this.

You only have control over how you live your life, and what you will allow to affect your life.  Don't waste any more time assuming your DS is putting words into your DIL mouth to spew at you.  Hang up, don't listen.  If the words are via email, send the next email back, stating you are not accepting what is being said, and don't bother emailing you with their garbage.

Seems rather a strong thing to do, but done once, I don't think you will get another garbage email.

You are not happy nor are you in any control of your own life as the situation stands, so think about all the advice you get, and try to put a plan together "to live your life".  The time you have is valuable, and there is no room for resentfulness, disrespect, or lack of cooperation.

You have to learn to delete, return unopened, hang up, and I encourage all of this, as if not, you will get to where I am - I have just walked away forever.  I would hope you never get to this point.  So if you can turn things around, by following the advice you will receive from many, I truly encourage you do and hope it all works out in the end.

It is great you have found this forum, you will receive a lot of strength, a lot of good advice, and you will feel the support.

In the mean time lots of hugs, crying is okay but smiling is better.

In the meantime, know you have always been a "GREAT MOTHER" and the opinion presented to you makes me wonder how great a mother she actually is herself, it's called the shadow effect.  Breathe

Donna

LadyD

Hello Everyone,

Sorry I have not responded to anyone in a while.  I have been spending a lot of time trying to change things about myself, and trying to adjust to the detachment from DS, DIL and DD and all of their demands, negativity and manipulations.  I still have not had any contact with my 3 GC from my DS and DIL for close to a year now.

And, once I decided that I needed to do the same detachment from my DD and her manipulative behavior towards me, she stopped allowing me to have any contact with my other two GC.  It is really hard, I am crying on and off most of the time, but I am sticking to my convictions and praying hard every day to find the strength to not give in.

I read all of your comments and they really do help me.  I have had many bad days where I feel like my children do not care or even love me just a little bit.  I love my DS, DD and GC so much and it is very hard for me to not have any interactions with them.  It really hurts me to think that it doesn't bother my DS or DD in the same way.

I know that I have made mistakes in my life, and I know I was not a perfect parent, but the one thing I know from the bottom of my heart is that everything I did for my DS and DD when I was raising them, I did because I only wanted the best for both of them. 

Thanks for letting me share my feelings with all of you.

LadyD

Nana

Lady D:  I am so sorry you are going through all this turmoil and sadness.  Just hold on to your convictions and ask nothing more than what your heart desires.  Sometimes the price is too high....  We cannot compromise our self esteem, self-worth, and dignity regardless of the reward...I dont want to pay that fee just to be able to be near the ones I love.  Easy to say I know.... but...I wouldnt want to lose myself while trying to please others and being disrespected. 

I would die not having my grown children or gc near.....but I cannot funtion if I am devalued.  Just hold on Lady D....things can change.....just let it flow..... and pamper yourself because you are a very valuable and unique person, regardless of the mistakes you might have done. 

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

LadyD

Nana:

Thank you for your kind response.  It helps so much to know that I can express my feelings about what I am going through and that there are so many understanding people who will listen and care.

Hugs

luise.volta

And we are all healing...as will you. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama