Re: I don't understand...probably never will

[Doe]

I don't agree with the gene theory of behavior.  If it were true, all murderers' and rapists' children would be murderers and rapists.   And there would no reason for this forum because all our children would treat us as well as we treated them.

[Ruth]

I think that is an excellent point, Doe, on the other hand, children have two sets of parents and multiple grandparents.  Personality can draw from any of those.  If a child has a genetic link to one parent, and is more influenced and bonded to that parent...likeness.  I don't see adoptive parents have any greater risk factors than bio parents, it is all luck of the draw as far as what type of general disposition your child will have.    And regarding Cherry's DD, she may not have any intention of being unkind, it could just be the way she views life right now.  Life experience increases empathy, usually, don't you think because as we suffer inevitably in life, we learn to be more compassionate.  I remember a quote from a long time ago, 'characteristics are inherited, character isn't.'  But I'm not even totally sure of that. 

[Doe]

I guess it's just your viewpoint.  My view is more:  "We are spiritual beings having a human experience" rather than the viewpoint from the body out.  I understand effects that spiritual beings can have on each other but I don't buy the gene theory.  And I've know enough people who did not continue the bad traits of relatives (and the good ones) that I feel it's self determined.
jmho.

[Ruth]

sorry, I don't understand any of that.  We're talking about inherited traits, not determination of doing right and wrong, etc.  That is a different issue, regarding accountability.  Lots of children have musical talent, art, etc., and these traits and talents run in families.  it isn't always negative and it isn't really spiritual. 

[Doe]

I think it's just different viewpoints here.

[lancaster lady]

Jumping in late , as usual !

My question is , I have three children , all with the same father , how come all have different personalities .
Their genetics are the same , but their habits , personalities , hobbies are all completely different .
We may give birth to them , but surely their own way of life sculpts their nature .

I also have another angle on adoption , perhaps a very isolated case .
I have a friend who for years has fostered newborn unwanted babies , usually from very poor backgrounds .
About 15 years ago , she fostered a newborn from a alcoholic drug addict . From birth this baby had severe
health problems as you can imagine , in and out of hospital with various health problems .
When the time came for this baby to be adopted , because of her health problems , no one wanted her .
My friend then aged 50 adopted this baby .She  had one natural son who was well grown and one she had already
adopted , who had died from aids .
Over the years this little girl has had the best of everything , my friend being a widow , gave her everything she could possibly need . From an early age this little girl kicked and spat and had a mouth like a sewer . No matter what my friend tried to
do she couldn't win  They tried counselling till she was exhausted . So had his child inherited these traits ? She wasn't in that
kind of environment to learn these things , perhaps just rebelling because she was adopted , but she misbehaved from an
early age .
I certainly don't know enough to make any kind of judgement here , but just curious to find out why this child
should turn out so bad , when her adoptive Mom gave her a loving secure home .

[Ruth]

This is the first time on the site I have been truly baffled by responses.  I don't understand what was so offensive in what the poster, 'Cherry' , stated about the DD inheriting traits from her family of origin.  The original poster stated that this was her foster child.  There was no criticism therefore toward our poster, and it was just it seems to me that Cherry offered a suggestion.  I didn't see it as offensive or harshl.  Also, why are we defended as Moms who did the best we can and our child maybe turned out less than we hoped for, or even totally opposite than we hoped for and modeled, and we are so defensive that the outcome has nothing to do with genetics?   It just seems conflicting to me???   Common sense tells us its neither exclusively one or the other, but I cannot see how genetics can be excluded without putting all the blame on the parent.   Josh Coleman addresses this in his book When Parents Hurt. 

I worked as a volunteer court appointed child advocate for a good while.  I won't weary everyone with specific cases, but I certainly saw many times even newborns placed in loving foster adopts who nevertheless carried strong characteristics of the FOO and I saw adoptions and foster placements fail.  I am the strongest of advocates for adoption, but I am also a strong advocate of being informed and prepared.  My own DS's issues started at under 2 yrs of age, as I've stated before, and it never improved from that point on  in spite of the positive things I know I did to instill attachment and empathy.  His personality is and was exactly like his DF.    Sorry ladies there just seems to be something I'm missing here, I don't get it at all.

[lancaster lady]

I missed the original post from Cherry .
I just wanted to know has it been scientifically proven that kids inherit traits from their FOO , regardless
of who brings them up .

[Pooh]

Ruth, I removed a couple of sentences that were unrelated to the topic at hand and very generalizing to adoptive children.  I left the rest, which I didn't think was offensive either, which is what you are seeing.  The responses after her post were generated mostly on the couple of sentences I removed.

Remember out motto here, "Take what you want and leave the rest".  Obviously, there are some varied opinions on the genetic topic, with good arguments on both sides, and although Ruthann was questioning it herself, I think there is research and personal experiences from everyone, in both directions.  Which is why I said we needed to get back to the main point of the OP, which was Ruthann's question on should she confront her daughter or not?

[sesamejane]

You're right Pooh - we really got side-tracked.

Ruth Ann, I sometimes feel like a broken record.  I know that I if (I should say *when*) I talked to my daughters about my feelings with regard their treatment of me, it seemed to backfire.  Just made things worse. however, when I got on with my life and drew boundaries with them, they became much more attentive.  They both can be so self-centered and get so busy int heir lives, they forget about me I think. So...I would not confront.

But that's jsut me...

[faithZeldas1]

Thanks Sesamejane for repeating-that is what I'm learning now from reading here. It feels better and better to focus on me. My DS & GF love each other & do just fine. Now that I make the effort to be my own person & let them come to me,it seems more natural. Not always easy,but if my feelings get hurt I cry. I limit my" sad loss" time to half an hour, I don't dwell. I happen to like this next generations distancing. I can't stand that in everyone's business reality crap. Hope I stayed on topic! Still learning!

[Pen]

Wow, I was just thinking about this last night (I write imaginary posts instead of counting sheep, lol.) My sib who lives overseas had called and we got caught up on the big news. After we hung up, I had the same feeling I always do -  that I am missing out on the day-to-day stuff...the stuff he & his wife share w/his wife's FOO 'cos they're in the same town. They talk several times a day, like DIL/DS & DIL's FOO do. I don't have any close family members, and I miss that interaction - the little things that happen daily rather than only sharing the "big" stuff.

I don't know if the distancing is generational or just a difference in personalities, but I agree that people have different needs regarding closeness. I need much more than my DH does, but too bad for me there's no one around. Just my luck, eh?

[forever spring]

"The Mom Who is Cheerful Whenever She Hears From Her Kids".

Way to go, we have to cut the umbilical cord again. I agree with the lack of empathy, this is a gift some people possess, some people have to learn the hard way to become compassionate and some people may actually go through life without it.

Let is be, Ruthann and become  "The Mom Who is Cheerful Whenever She Hears From Her Kids" but does not expect any favours and certainly does not put her life on hold for the sake of her grown up offspring! 

[ruthann]

Thanks, sesamejane, faithZeldas1,chelmsford36!! 
I agree with what all of you say.  I do have to start
thinking of "ME".  I do sometimes let myself have
a good cry when I'm taking a shower.  It seems
to be cathartic for me. 
I need to put it all in my DD's ballpark!  I agree that
it would not be good to harp on the "WHY".  I would
never get an answer. 
Since my DD was my only one and she has moved
over 900 miles away, I can't help but feel left out
of her life.  There's a new book being published this
month that might be helpful to some of us. 
it is called, Best Friends, Occasional Enemies, by
Scottoline and Serritella (mother/daughter).
Happy Halloween to everyone!