March 28, 2024, 01:29:09 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


SASSY Have you had your wedding Yet???

Started by just2baccepted, October 21, 2009, 08:15:26 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

AnnieB

November 13, 2009, 05:51:05 AM #15 Last Edit: November 13, 2009, 05:58:08 AM by AnnieB
God help you all - you handled this well, but I'm sorry you were put in that position!

I do worry about what she's going to do next  :-\   This is NOT normal behavior!!!!  And while it almost has comedic tones to those outside,  (it could be a scene in a sit com, because it's soooo bizarre it makes us laugh ) it isn't funny and it truly concerns me.  (When my ex decided to get married on my wedding day although our divorce wasn't final, I joked about showing up at their wedding in black - -but I DIDN"T DO IT!!!) Showing up with an ex of her son's as an escort -- this is ridiculous!  Your MIL has crossed the line - her vision of reality is very twisted.

Be very careful.






Sassy

November 13, 2009, 10:53:22 AM #16 Last Edit: November 13, 2009, 11:13:24 AM by Sassy
Annie B,

You are so right.  Sometimes I have to laugh at it all (like how she put a stamp on the bill-stub return envelope) because otherwise it would be too dark, too sad.  And sometimes it's too hard to laugh at (still grateful I did not get a visual picture of her in the black hat) and I just, well avoid it.  Like DH had done for years.

For the first year or more, of DH and I's relationship, I did do whatever MIL wanted.  I loved DH, and quickly loved his mother, too. This man's mother was a smart, fun, impulsive, creative, and not like most of the women I know.  I truly appreciated that about her.   I answered every call, text (several a day, every single day), let her in when she showed up at my home for an unannounced drop by (about once a week),  took her to lunch, dinner, went shopping almost every weekend.  I probably spoke to and saw fMIL more than anyone else in my life - including my sister and lifelong friends and parents and even fDH!

At the time, I thought it was The Right Thing To Do.  I would have liked to see her maybe once a week or every two weeks, but I followed her lead.  I respected what she wanted.  But, was it respect or fear?  Looking back, I think I sensed the trouble that would ensue if I didn't do what she wanted of me.  There were signs.  I'm not even sure anymore, though.  Can anyone understand this?

She would get upset if I did something and she didn't know about it in advance.  Once I went to a friend's shower and mentioned it after the fact, and she seemed, well hurt.  "I didn't know you had a shower to go to.  Why didn't you tell me?" It was confusing, why would she be upset I went to someone's shower and didn't tell her?  It wasn't a secret, it was just... irrelevant.

Once she (said she) booked a "girls weekend" to Las Vegas and was devastated when she told me and I didn't want to go. When she asked me if Saturday nights could be  "our girls night" and I told her that's the night I like to see her son (my boyfriend), she withdrew and pouted for several days.

As long as the relationship was maintained on her terms, it appeared to be a "good" relationship.  I think I was so hesitant to create "boundaries" for a long time, because I knew she would see them only as rejection of her.  Not as something about my own privacy, or basic respect, or my own social desires.   She trained me well.  She gave signs that all would NOT be well if I did not meet her terms.  So for a long time, I met them.

I don't know how to explain that although us not inviting MIL, us not paying MIL's bills anymore, seems like we're rejecting her - it very much IS her rejecting US.  She rejected her son and me.  And to be honest - it HURTS.

MIL didn't want to see her only child get married - she told DH what she wanted, was to stop him from getting married to me. How does a man recitify that, with his own desire to marry?  How do I?

MIL doesn't want to have dinner with us once or twice a month, and chat once or twice a week.  She wants to be a part of our daily plans and decision making.  How does a grown man rectify that, especially when he's lived as an independant adult for years?  How do I?

And - is it SELFISH of us to "only want" a relationship on "our terms" instead of "her terms"???   I read a lot here, and elsewhere, and struggled for a long time with the ideas of boundaries.  But if MIL has no boundaries, doesn't that leave it up to someone to have to make them?

I still hope that MIL will become more relaxed, or enlightened, or fulfilled in other ways... (I don't know exactly).  So that she can spend time with our brand new little family, and us with her!  So that my DH can feel whole, like his M is a part of his life. I still want her in our lives! ( If I did not want that, things would be so much easier, I know...)

luise.volta

Hi. Sassy..your lived through it and found a way to outfox the fox. Good for you. And I have to admit it felt good to hear you say that my solution would have been the way to go. ( I wonder if I am going to be pelted with rotten e-tomatoes for saying that?)

It's very easy to type-cast people and identify with one participant or the other but each situation is unique. Your issue with your MIL is not necessarily the same as any issue any of us might have with a DIL. Possibly similar but I doubt it. For instance, can anyone here picture Sassy's MIL coming to this Web-forum with an open mind? I didn't think so.

The woman has problems and she is a problem. She has been consulted, listened to, asked to cooperate, given reasonable boundaries (oh, that hated word!) and treated with kid gloves. In return she has been a ten-ton bulldozer without a driver.

You can either have that be the focus of your life, Sassy, or you can hold her able to address her own issues and work her way though them if and when she decides to do that. They belong to her. I know the door is open should she ever choose to face what sets her apart...which is her behavior. It's not anything anyone else is doing. In the meantime, a new family unit has been established and new parameters have been set.

It is her job to adapt. It is her job to fit in. It is her job to ask, cooperate and align. It is not her jurisdiction. In her home she reigned supreme...in yours, you do. (Ouch..I think I just got hit by one of those rotten e-tomatoes.)

When we get someone who thinks a married child is still a dependent, we have a problem. She will continue to make and try to enforce the "rules." And raise hob if they aren't followed.

When we have a DIL who is disrespectful and thoughtless, we have another kind of problem...and once in a while we have both. Heaven forbid!

This not a situation where a DIL has declared war either openly or covertly. We have here a patient, understanding and loving DIL who has been chewed up and spit out.

There are consequences to antisocial, destructive and overtly pathological behavior. All MILs are not kind. MILs are people and they/we come in every conceivable form. Having a child and raising a child does not guarantee anyone the right to mistreat, dominate or control the adults they become.

All DILS are not awful but/and they aren't all wonderful.  We often don't get what we wanted. Our sons sometimes pick losers, tyrants, liars and messed up women. They may get a perfectly wonderful MIL and never know it...not with those blinders on. And...remember...some are great!

Well...that felt good!  ;D
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

I was going to write something here in response to this, Luise.  But, in my mind came the thought that I have been trying to live by:  when in doubt, don't. 


luise.volta

Strange to have to be off-line almost all of the time and then when I get a chance to post I get absolutely no response. Oh, well...no new minuses. Yet...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

2chickiebaby

Luise, I was just about to respond....I know it's disappointing to not have your former DIL there.  After 15 years, that has to be disappointing.

I'm curious, the people coming for Christmas...that is so good that you'll be with them. I'm glad.  If you were near me, I'd have you with us and you could make conversation with the people in my faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamily.  You'd run off after you ate, believe me.

You say, "I've got to run!! I've got to go back to Washington to wash my hair!!!!" ;D 

oy

AnnieB

Quote from: luise.volta on November 16, 2009, 03:34:42 PM
Strange to have to be off-line almost all of the time and then when I get a chance to post I get absolutely no response. Oh, well...no new minuses. Yet...

I myself didn't respond because you said everything so beautifully -- I'm always so happy when you are able to post, because for me your words add a lot of much needed clarity and light and love.    I wish you could post more more more!!!!  But I know you are going through some difficult times now.

Pluses always from here!

just2baccepted

I'm sorry. I didn't respond because I thought you wouldn't be back for awhile because of your responsibilities.  Is your DH doing better I hope?

luise.volta

I never know when I am going to get back online with all of you because I never know when I am going to get some relief here...like a neighbor stopping in to "visit" with Val. And then I never know what to do first! There is a lot to do, always. And I get really tired, so when I can, I often just lie down for a bit.

I just don't often get to MILU, as you know. Maybe I should just post my status occasionally under Grab Bag.

With dementia setting in we have things like Val putting his bridges in a box and soaking his hearing aids in hot water. The list goes on and on. Every day seems new and different and what worked yesterday is often obsolete today. I am committed to not putting him in our on-site nursing facility if I can continue to keep him with me and our little dog in familiar and comfortable surroundings. If money were no object, we would live in a larger unit and a live-in caregiver but we live in 600 sq. ft. and must be very conservative. And, I kid you not, the dog is old and unwell and sometimes I'm up at night with him! (Sometimes it sounds like more of a comedy routine than a tragedy, doesn't it?! ;D)

I'm in a Caregiver's Support Group...and a Peer Support Group of old ladies! (One is 98 and still driving. Scary!) I am also in private counseling that is offered free here by our County Senior Services. All in the hopes that I can ace this one. (And I have to be covered every time I leave.)

Chickie...I think you were referring to another thread about Christmas plans. This one is/was about Sassy's wedding. She is such a dear. And look how far off the thread I have taken us!

Did my response make any sense to you, J2B?

I want you all to know that I care and I feel connected even when I don't have a clue about what's gong on. This isn't what I planned when i created the forum. And it won't always be like this but I dread my impending "freedom."

Annie, thank you so much. We all need a vote of confidence once in a while. As you all know, I have ten (10!) karma minuses after my name! I sure did make Kat mad. Oh, well...right?



Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

just2baccepted

Luise, your DH is so blessed to have you there to care for him.  I know its hard, my uncle is going through the same thing with my aunt, since her many strokes.  God Bless

Sassy

Quote. [And I have to admit it felt good to hear you say that my solution would have been the way to go

Luise, you do know your stuff.   I still love the image of you showing up a week early to someone else's mainland luau.
Thank you for all of your support and blessings. 

luise.volta

 ;D I actually did that once before in my 20s. I was invited to the wedding of a college friend. It was 100s of miles away but I just decided to make the trip and surprise everyone. I got there just in time and sat in the back. Big church. I actually cried and when they were pronounced man and wife and came up the isle together, I had never seen either of them before in my life! :'(

I asked the priest and he had double- booked and my friend's wedding was next. So, I went through the whole thing again but I didn't cry because I was laughing at myself. Since I lived so far away, and hadn't done a RSVP, they didn't notify me of the change.

I may be the air-head queen!
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Oh, that is such a sweet story! I can see it in a movie like Bridget Jones' Diary or other funny chick-flick. Luise could totally be played by Renee Zellwegger :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb