Gifts

[overwhelmed123]

She wants to be acknowledged on MD and she has no kids?  That is really bizarre. 

Okay, I have a mother- so Mother's Day is to celebrate me, right?  Everyone get me a gift!

[LaurieS]

OW you just got yourself a 55" tv and claimed it was for hubby.. no more gifts for you

[SassyDI]

Hey all, so as DH and I our working out his extended family problems -- we keep bumping into one issue, GIFTS.  We have a total of 17 siblings/siblings in laws combined and hardly any on my side are married yet.  So the number could get up to 24.  And this isn't counting nieces/nephews either, that number is still growing.

I come from a background that gifts aren't a big deal.  I exchange with my parents at XMas and do a name exchange with siblings, I also buy for my grandparents.  So about 5 gifts total.  My siblings and I don't buy birthday presents for each other, we all just get for our parents.  I have no idea when my grandparents birthdays are, they just don't celebrate them.

DH's side are gifts every time you sneeze. His siblings to this day throw fits over birthday parties and birthday presents.  When all they do is buy each other the same dollar amount gift cards to different places  His parents have a totally different outlook on this than any I've ever met.  They are well off but will send out wish lists of things they want.  It really boggles my mind.

We tried over Xmas getting his siblings to do a name draw exchange for gifts -- no dice.  Two of them had meltdowns over it and then proceeded to give me some outside tool that I would never use at Xmas.  lol  As of now, they also are "punishing" me for the Xmas thing by not acknowledging my bday.  Which is fine, believe me.  But I've had it up to HERE with their craziness over presents and holidays.

Alright, so ladies who have been through this blending family/extended family stuff -- how do you deal with this?  As time goes on in my family we've had to change/adapt/be flexible and his side just won't.  So how do I?

My DH and his 3 sibs use to do birthdays and  christmas gifts.  They did for serveral years even after we married.  I only do a Christmas gift with my sister.  We stopped birthday first because well three sibs it adds up for everyone.  Then Christmas we started drawing names one nice gifts.  DH and his brother both had children the same year and from then on it was just the kids.  But we do give out pictures each Christmas.

Really is it making you wallet empty?  Can you really afford it?  If you can't afford it then you have to just ask about drawing names.  If they say no then you just have to say sorry but I am bowing out.  And let them continue without you.  Plus like you said the fam is still growing.  So is our so each year more kids to buy for.  We still do an exchange with my sister but I am sure once she has kids of her own we will do the same thing. 

I hope you guys can work it out.  They should never make you feel gulity for something you just don't want to do.

[Sassy]

As of now, they also are "punishing" me for the Xmas thing by not acknowledging my bday.  Which is fine, believe me.  But I've had it up to HERE with their craziness over presents and holidays.

Well pam, it seems to me you have been given a pass.  They didn't acknowledge your birthday.   "I didn't think we were celebrating birthdays anymore."

  And DH is always sitting pretty at holidays while I'm one ticked off monkey lol

Some couples find the "You do your side, I'll do my side" works because each best understands their own family's expectations.  Let your pretty DH handle his side's gifts for a year and see if that works for you. 

[pam1]

Thanks guys.  You all are giving me the strength to just cut it out.

DH won't handle his side without affecting me, unfortunately.  He wants to wait until the last minute as we're driving over to go stores.  It would be fine if it was just a couple gifts or one time thing, but it's not.  And he doesn't want to do it either.  So we are both little grumpy doobies when that happens.

Yeah, I know they gave ME an out on gifts.  See, they don't think this way -- they didn't give DH an out, so he still "owes" them a gift.

See how that works?  This is where women not mothers get a Mothers Day gift too 

Sooo I'm just going to take my ball and go home.  Now I just have to figure out how to word it and when to send it.

[pam1]

We can afford it, I just don't want to.  Is that bad?  See, I really don't know b/c no one in my family cares.  And what I can't really afford is the time that is spent on all this.  Time thinking about it, time shopping for it, time wrapping for it, time spent watching people open them, time spent opening weed whackers and stuffed animals.

[holliberri]

Time is precious and so is sanity. Also, I think an overindulgence of gifts for every occasion leads to that entitlement problem that comes up on here from time to time.

[pam1]

Exactly Holly!  Now someone tell that to my in laws.

I keep telling DH, do you really want DD and any other children of ours to turn out like crazy SIL?  Badgering their brothers for Mother Day gifts? 

[Sassy]

Yeah, I know they gave ME an out on gifts.  See, they don't think this way -- they didn't give DH an out, so he still "owes" them a gift.

How DH thinks is more important than how they think.   Ignoring his wife's birthday can be seen to give DH even more of an out than it does you.   I wouldn't like it if my parents ignored my birthday, but I would hate it if they ignored DH's.   Not that it has to be a call to war, not at all.  But if someone purposely sends a message about gifts and birthdays, I'd read the memo.

[pam1]

DH said nothing to them.  I don't know what he is thinking on that one -- frankly, I found it amusing in general.  But on principle, I'm not very happy.  He knows that, so I'm assuming he thinks it's ok b/c I found it funny. 

He's the least confrontational person I know.  He's working on it, but it's like one step at a time. 

[Sassy]

I wouldn't confront anyone about not sending DH or me a gift, either.   Oh heavens, no.   Gifts not given are not meant to be received.   No demanding gifts.   But I would take a pointed "no gifts for you" message for what it is, and happily follow suit.   It's about as nonconfrontational as it gets.   It could be argued that it's rude and quite embarassing to give a gift to someone who does not want to exchange them.  (Well, as you know!)

[Pen]

DH & I don't expect gifts from anyone, but it hurts when we give thoughtful gifts to my (wealthy) DF & SM and get nothing in return only to find out later, from them no less, that they've given very expensive gifts to SM's adult children and grandchildren. Needless to say I've stopped giving to them. If SM spins that into a scenario depicting us as unloving and disrespectful, so be it. I'm done. If I've not been cherished by my DF & SM in all the decades I've been alive, it ain't gonna happen now.

DIL's parents get spoiled by DIL & DS while we are either forgotten or tossed a bone well after the special day. DH lets it go, but it irks me when the man who sacrificed so much for his kid gets a last minute, inexpensive gift and DIL's (wealthy) DF gets expensive, thoughtful gifts. I've begun to dread all holidays and gift-oriented celebrations 'cos it hurts too darn much.

What really irritates me is that I am most definitely not a materialistic person who ordinarily cares about this stuff! The gift sitch brings out a side of me (neediness? feeling unloved?) that I do not like.

[Nana]

Yes Pen...even if you are not materialistic....it hurts to the core.  It is that we sometimes fthing they feel we are less worthy or less valuable than those who get expensive (thoughtful) gifts.   I think, I would want to spend a little more in those relatives (or love ones) that have less...makes sense to me.  Why should I give expensive gifts to those who can afford it. 
Feelibng Bad for your DH, the man who has sacrifice so much (as you said) hurts even more.   You are a kind-hearted person Pen...and so valuable -- dont ever forget that.  A gift doesnt determine a person's value...by no means....
People give more expensive gifts to the wealthy because they want to be up to their  standards. 

Now, related to your DF....  I dont think your Dad wants to be unjust.  Your SM probably is the one who does the buying.  Like say, my Husband tells me to buy something nice  for his mom, so I go and buy something nice (I really do) but if it was cheap and not nice...he wouldnt even notice.  He trusts me and if I say it is nice....he thinks it is LOL.

Love you Pen

[SassyDI]

I never liked getting gifts from DH's father and wife because they hold gifts over head.  The last gift they gave us as a family was a window in DD room that I did not want.  Told DH don't take it and let me tell you it back fired in DH's face just as I told him it would.  And I get blamed for being ungreatful.  DH told his father I didn't want it but he didn't care still blamed me. 

I have tons of gift giving stories being used against me DH is a slow learner.

[Pen]

Nana, thanks. Love you too!

SassyDI, that's the flip side of this gift-giving (or lack thereof) weirdness. At least I don't have to deal with people who give gifts to control me!