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Just something I've been thinking about

Started by overwhelmed123, April 27, 2011, 02:38:37 PM

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Pen

I'd love a cup of tea! (Who remembers that thread from a few months ago?)

Catchingup, every story you tell about this woman paints a vivid picture of an unhappy woman who made others miserable. Aren't you glad you aren't her? I'm sorry you had to deal with her, but at least you saw how not to be. Can't wait for your screen play or novel starring the sargeant major. Who would play her?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

LaurieS

I think it's a lot easier to see 'how not to be' when you are watching from the outside.. but if you are of a certain makeup  that presents itself all through your childhood and into your dil-hood, then I think chances are you'll take it on into mil-hood

catchingup

Quote from: Pen on April 28, 2011, 04:50:16 PM
I'd love a cup of tea! (Who remembers that thread from a few months ago?)

Catchingup, every story you tell about this woman paints a vivid picture of an unhappy woman who made others miserable. Aren't you glad you aren't her? I'm sorry you had to deal with her, but at least you saw how not to be. Can't wait for your screen play or novel starring the sargeant major. Who would play her?
I am too busy "Catching up" to make a movie about her" ;D ;D ;D ;D

justus

I am with Louise here in that it is really hard to generalize about this sort of stuff. Even so, I am going to do it :o

I think Trying said it best. For many MILs and DILs, it is about insecurity. With a DIL, she is not sure of her place in a new family, and for the MIL, she doesn't quiet know how to transition from being THE WOMAN in her DS's life to just being the M and MIL. It is a hard transition for all involved even if you are prepared for it. When your child gets a spouse, the boundaries naturally change, and it is difficult to navigate that.

Beyond that, crazy is as crazy does. Women with poor coping strategies aren't all of a sudden going to develop good ones when she becomes a DIL or MIL and if she is diagnosable, she isn't going to become a paragon of mental health as her DS's marriage ceremony is occurring. If a woman isn't a good M, or if a woman is jealous of her children's relationships with other people, that isn't going to all of a sudden disappear. Or if a woman is a helicopter parent, she isn't going to find it easy to hand over all that control to a DIL or to keep her mouth shut when the grandkids come along.

So if a woman is truly a horrible DIL, chances are she won't be a model MIL.

Nana

Well said Justus...we are what we are regardless of title (dil/mil)

Thanks for sharing

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

luise.volta

Generalizing/Philosophizing: What makes me feel really sad is when a wonderful DIL gets a nasty MIL...or visa versa. Really sad. When two nasties are paired off...I often think the deserve each other but the extended family pays the price...in spades.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

How true, there is a ripple effect that touches all family members. But it's probably a pretty dysfunctional family anyway if both the DIL & the MIL are nasties...a man would have had to choose a wife just like his nasty mom, which brings up a whole other issue...

Justus, I agree that for many DILs/MILs insecurity is a problem. I'm glad you said "many" & not "all" since some situations don't fit that model. My DIL wasn't interested in joining our family, therefore she wasn't insecure about her place in it. She may have been annoyed by DS's close relationship w/us, however. I didn't feel at all insecure until I was treated poorly by DIL and her FOO.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

forever spring

This is an interesting discussion. Reading through past threads I get the impression that many women DIL and MIL alike say that they've never been in a situation such as the one facing them as soon as they have to adopt this role.
I certainly never saw myself as a MIL. I wanted to be a friend to the wife of my son. I respect her - still do - and have said that many times.
Result of this is that I must have given the wrong message right from the start. I thought I could just 'swan' in, be myself and carry on as usual. I never really reflected on the background of my DIL and how different our views on certain things were until I was living closer. I came accross so may things that I found irritable but did the 'invisible tape' thing for a while.
Our backgrounds are so different that now is has come to a near breakdown in communication and much pain throughout the family has ensued. I'm being perceived as being unreliable, a character trait I can't associate with.
I thought it would be enough to respect other people's point of view and celebrate difference. However, just like dancing the tango, it takes two to make it work.
I've never been a DIL as my lovely MIL died soon after we got married. So if I'm an awful MIL it's not because I had practice beforehand.
Force of circumstance has made me a very inadequate MIL which is one of the worst things that has happened to me in my entire life. I know I will snap out of it but it will take time.

lancaster lady

Everyone's expectations of how we should be never seem to work out . That's I suppose as we are all individual separate people living different lives .....from my point of view its very hard from being your DS nearest  and dearest to being second or third in the queue . Once you can adjust to your position ,then comes the relationship with.the first in the queue . Of course there will be confrontations ,hard not to .....in order to have any kind of working relationship ,respect on both sides for our own positions is paramount .....I am lucky enough not without a few.battle scars to have achieved this point .  I don't know what the secret is but we bared our inners to each other , and came out smiling the other side .....my GD was  one of the reasons  I did this.......I don't think of this as swallowing my pride but as a  solution to a.huge problem that was taking over my life .

luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pooh

Interesting thread and I had to think about it.  You guys know I had a horrible MIL the first time, and she was like that to everyone.  Her Mother was the same way and wanted control of her.  I had to think about it, but she was actually a very good DIL.  She was always nice and considerate to her MIL (as far as I know).  I remember her doing all kinds of nice things for her.  So she was a bad MIL but a great DIL.  Her MIL skills did mirror those of her Mother though. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Tara

Yes, this is an interesting  thread, I agree with some of the things Justus says:

"beyond that, crazy is as crazy does. Women with poor coping strategies aren't all of a sudden going to develop good ones when she becomes a DIL or MIL and if she is diagnosable, she isn't going to become a paragon of mental health as her DS's marriage ceremony is occurring. If a woman isn't a good M, or if a woman is jealous of her children's relationships with other people, that isn't going to all of a sudden disappear. Or if a woman is a helicopter parent, she isn't going to find it easy to hand over all that control to a DIL or to keep her mouth shut when the grandkids come along. "



Pen

But, if threatened with a cut off, a MIL who tends toward hovering/overstepping may tone it down to avoid the loss of DS/GC.

On the other hand, an over-the-top, controlling DIL might not have a lot of reasons to change unless her DH speaks up.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

luise.volta

...and further, he chose a controlling mate for some reason(s), consciouses or unconscious. We have to remember that loving/controlling mothers create safety and security for little guys. Some get stuck there and try to replicate it in marriage. Others didn't have that and search for it without knowing why. It's a sticky-wicket.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

catchingup

I buy and sell collectors items. I mostly buy privately and on a number of occassions when meeting people in their homes especially in the area where my MIL lived and they find out my surname the question is always the same and asked in the same tone.
Are you related to?.....Yes she is my MIL
Next question: How did you get on with her? I have never heard a positive remark about her--never.Sad isn't it? ::)
Ever time I heard this it made me feel a lot better about myself. It made me realize I wasn't the problem except to her.